Drag Me To Hell & Back

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Christopher Young Drag Me To Hell


Consumers can be cunts. Let’s be honest, they come in with their own agenda, carrying whatever emotional burdens they’ve accumulated throughout their day. They can be short, condescending, sarcastic and downright insolent. But do you know what? Employees can be cunts too. Mindless drones, programmed with a limited number of responses and unable to compute anything outside of their lobotomized training. Sometimes they appear ready to blow a circuit and twitch uncontrollably under their left eye. They can seem totally disinterested in anything you have to say, yawning with their eyes. It sickens me, to my stomach’s deepest sanctum. How fucking dare they; look down their noses at me when they don’t even know me. Or worse still, be too familiar when we’re just not at that stage yet; maybe ever.


There’s a tightrope to walk but do you know what? It’s not quantum physics. Adaptability, that’s the key. If an arthritic old dear comes into your establishment sporting a fresh hip replacement and timidly smiles as she approaches, doddery and frail with barely a tooth in her face, you don’t greet her with “whassup ma nigga!” On the flip side should a posse of hoodie-clad personal space invaders barge in, Dubstep blaring from their iPod touch’ then you don’t offer them a nice warm mug of Earl Grey and half a Ginger Nut.


Get real; it’s a simple science. As long as your social repertoire extends to being able to communicate with another human being on the level you’re both comfortable with, then it’s a doddle. I ran an independent game store for a decade; working beside a really varied array of characters. I shall attempt to pigeonhole each individual entity as I believe these stereotypes exist, or slight variations at least, in any line of work.


The Poison Dwarf
A charming fellow who appears to be the best kind of comrade to enter the fray alongside; playing each individual against the next and carefully hatching conspiracy theories and demonic plans for trampling you down the ladder.


Suffers from little man complex and has conspiracy theories coming out of his asshole. A sad waste of intellect, this corrosive elf chooses hate over love and will likely rue that later in life.


The Prankster
This is the guy who puts his member in your hot dog before placing the sausage meat back on the ketchup; filming you on his phone as you take your maiden bite.


Normally one testicle hanging from his zipper like a Baby Potato; the kind of person you find yourself actually really fond of despite whatever poison has been dripped into your ear by the heinous hobbit. Some of the funniest moments in your whole existence have been shared with this jolly jester.


The Social Leper
The Gollum-framed jock who loves to shock. Has the posture of an over-encumbered baggage handler and is full of useful spoilers. Despite his flaws, the Social Leper has a good heart; is warm and kind when not putting on a smug facade. He is traditionally very generous in spirit, handily donating final girl stats on the film you’ve anticipated for months and have every intention of spending your hard-earned on as soon as humanly possible, simply because they’ve “had a Blu-Ray rip of it for months”.


The kind of chap you’ll drag out of the shop by the throat and fling like a rag doll along the marble floor for all to witness: simply out of frustration, not malice. Then you’ll feel god-awful when he awkwardly apologizes and proceeds to lift up his top; revealing the ten inch purple bruise up one side of his torso.


The Surfer Dudes
Jovial, pure intentions and Bill & Ted ring tones on their cell phones (yes, I know I’m English but I like to mix it up, so shoot me!). Listen to Green Day and don shorts in a blizzard.


Totally non-toxic and never posing any threat, they are precious allies in the quest for sanity and look at the positives even when there aren’t any.


The Deep Thinker
Natural reflectors, ready and willing for any intellectual tête-à-tête. Traditionally they work part-time as they’re destined for bigger things and actually comprehend when you donate them a nugget of wisdom.


The most valuable ally and the truest friend by a long chalk.


The Self-Harmer
Nothing upbeat to say, everything is shit or worse still blah! Whenever greeted and asked about his well-being will always reply “surviving”. Generally harmless but disillusioned and infuriatingly pessimistic.


Nevertheless, he is kind of endearing, in a thoroughly depressing kind of way.


The Loyal Hound
Loves his/her work, waking every day primed for duty. Fierce but misplaced loyalties in an employer who shamelessly exploits his/her willingness.


He/She is the first victim of the Poison Dwarf and consequently gets shipped to the Outer Hebrides to run a small outpost, in temperatures barely above freezing. Hates to be wrong and is entitled to be a little smugness from time to time.


The Tyrannical Boss Lady
Tough and uncompromising, incapable of comprehending that contented staff are more likely to go that extra mile. Totally unfamiliar with the concept of keeping her staff team contented like every other boss with few notable exceptions.


Miserly and menstrual; outside of her Directorial role she is a reasonably warm and affable character but never the twain shall meet.


The Godfather
This man is conventionally of celebrated status as he assembled his empire from his own blood and sweat.


Glowing with warmth but not to be crossed, he is the linchpin of the whole operation but is growing weary, thus deciding to pull the strings from an outlying vantage point.

If all of the above don’t resonate with you personally then hopefully a couple will and if you’ve felt the Dwarf’s ankle-blade in your spleen then I commiserate with you. For me it was always a no-brainer. Turn up, be true to yourself, show restraint when necessary, empathy when required and warmth when warranted. Be consistent but adaptable too. If you follow these simple guidelines then you shouldn’t be dragged kicking and screaming into hell.



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