David Cronenberg’s The Fly: A Preface
What would you do if you suddenly had superhuman strength; were able to move at a much accelerated rate and perform like a young buck in the sack? We all know what Bradley Cooper would do but what about someone like Jeff Goldblum? I mean, this dude surely does all of those things on his default setting. It doesn’t take much persuasion that he is in fact a fly.
Now I am fully aware of the repercussions attached to harming one of God’s little creatures, it’s not on. But flies are an exception to the rule right? What purpose do they actually serve anyway? They stamp their feet into any unsavory delight they can sniff out and then vomit into our bowl of freshly picked raspberries, proceeding to trample that in with their dungy little feet. Whoa I tell ya! *finger wagging*
A rolled up newspaper of choice can normally dispose of one of these flying shithouses. One swift swipe should do it (as long as the backward take off is anticipated). Then you simply grab a wing and hurl into the nearest waste. Bye fly! Jeff is a different matter entirely; he holds in his cheeks enough vomit to burn through a badly placed appendage with ease. And there ain’t a broadsheet broad enough to change this fly’s dimensions. I can imagine how Veronica felt; she’d finally found her soul mate.
Geena Davis kind of resembles a female Goldblum. She shares his gangly frame and also his odd features. A match made in heaven surely? At first everything appears to be going rather splendidly, the sexual chemistry is there plainly and she is fascinated with his brilliant mind. Being cerebral contemporaries, they drink from one another’s fonts of intelligence and are never short of stimulating dialogue.
Seth is on the cusp of something pretty gargantuan; the ability to transport a physical being from one pod to another by recreating its molecular structure. It is the kind of revelation that can turn you overnight into a scientific Jesus. In fact Geena is already ironing his loin cloth when things begin to go a little off-kilter. Being a brilliant mind, one would assume that the moment his pet primate emerged from Pod number two looking like a serving of Mexican cuisine gone awry alarm bells should have been ringing but you’ve got to break a few eggs right? Or burn the odd ape to a cinder if you are out of eggs.
So Seth does what any dotty scientist would do given the circumstances – he rolls the dice. Too intrigued by the allure of a Pulitzer Prize, he jumps in like Captain Kirk and beams up. Now this is where flies really get my goat, you think you’ve got them, that ultimate swipe surely equalized them. Then as you settle back into your seat and continue on with your life, that infuriating buzzing commences once more.
The fly half of Brundlefly is one such nuisance. It manages like Indy to beat the door and get a free snapshot with our unsuspecting genius. At first it’s all good, the moment Seth steps from the relocator something feels different. He feels buoyant, full of fresh vigor and a full-body erection. Desperate to find the nearest whack-a-mole, he settles for an arm wrestle instead. A bushy back seems a scant price to pay for these accelerated reflexes, unbounded sexual prowess and the strength of two steroid-pumped oxen.
But the hairs are quite thick admittedly; not the kind of hairs which wave to you from a face mole, far, far courser than that. I’m wondering what point it reached before Veronica decided that sex was no longer on the menu. Could it have been the moment teeth started to drop out of his face like rotting apples? Or possibly when his ear slid down the side of his face? Who knows? I’m guessing Stathis Borans (John Getz) is looking a more attractive proposition at this point.
But her loyalty to Seth’s cause is admirable. She has to stick by the father of their unborn offspring after all. There’s a good chance he’ll inherit his father’s looks and she doggedly believes that there is still hope for the budding family unit. Besides the sex is dynamic; Brundlefly can just keep going and then go all over again. She must love the cock. Desperate to win back the affections of his admittedly misguided former muse, Stathis takes it on himself to meddle. Wrong choice!
Resentful of his well-groomed beard, Seth wretches on the poor chap’s brand new wristwatch. You should have worn it on the other arm Stathis. Brundlefly is by this stage leaning far more towards the fly end of the spectrum. If premonitions are anything to go by then it may not be necessary to pick baby colours just yet. What a tragic turn of affairs. There’s valid reason for Earth girls not being easy and The Fly is living proof of that theory.
Keeper of the Crimson Quill
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