8-Bits of Terror: The Pixel Massacre

Perler Bead Sprites

Suggested Audio 1-Up:

real-mario

I remember with great lucidity; it was around the late eighties and I was proud owner of a Sega Megadrive and the old NES, two gaming console behemoths with the ability to transport you to all manner of idyllic locales at the insertion of a cartridge. Sure there was potential for certain environmental hazards and a few undesirables to fight off along the way but the reward for doing so safely was riches beyond any child’s wildest dreams. Bragging rights. Super Mario Brothers? Yeah I clocked that in an hour or, in my case, multiply by at least five not including infinite retries.

NES-Cartuccia-Super-Mario-Bros

I made a grave error; told one such-like mistruth, shaved off a few hours and lapped up the hero status it afforded me. Mario, gormless little prick, it had to be that plumpened plumber who first caught wind of my insolence. I awoke feeling a little as though a large plastic slate had been rectally introduced to my personage. Alone, this discomforting sensation was one thing; however when my eyes re-acclimatised to their surroundings, I felt grave trepidation washing over me. “It’s a me!” was the audio which accompanied my reawakening. This douche seemed to be mocking me into some kind of time-trial head-to-head and the allure of pounding the shit out of his chubby cheeks was too tantalizing to decline his taunted invitation.

3699613852_04e07a82b9

What did I really stand to lose by taking a symmetrical path alongside this blue dungaree donning numskull? What kind of shit-for-brains actually wears his plumber’s mate glad rags when not even on the job anyhoots? He’s simply asking for a pummeling if you ask me. I accepted his challenge and instantly went under starters orders, focused but not altogether prepared for the somewhat thorny assault course set out before me. It was admittedly a clear, fine day with only a smattering of clouds punctuating the ocean blue sky but that was the only encouraging news.

20090117_super_mario_brothers_js

All I could see before me was a tapestry of torment and peril; rising and lowering banks of earth fortified with illogically spaced brickwork and some mean looking hybrid creatures. They wore protective shells which instantly got my mind clock a ticking. Maybe I could gently rest on these shells and use them to propel me forth into previously unscalable new heights. “Wahaa!” was the loutish taunt of my opposite number and I had to set aside, at least momentarily, my adoration of fine Italian cuisine and beat this blighter to the castle.

super-mario-bros

Confidently and briskly, I strode forward, lurching towards the first of many ridiculously aimless and benign-looking duck-toises. I ran straight towards him with chest puffed out and nostrils flared enough to snort chestnuts. I ran headlong into him expecting my affectionate welcome to be reciprocated and, instead and in a blinding beam of light, became woefully tiny. Suddenly, this cute creature had become more intimidating than a crate of cranky crabs and he now stood with beak acting as a canopy of sorts above my head. My reactions were required to be lightning-fast and fortunately on this day I’d opted for that second serving of Honey Nut Loops.

make-pixel-art-minecraft.w654

I retreated momentarily as I needed sufficient run-up to clear his shell in one lofty bound. As I turned, bolted and leapt like an electrified salmon; my head instantly made contact with a hard surface above. Fuck a plucked duck named Chuck, that really smarted. Stunned, concussed and more than a tad disoriented, I blundered forth at which point a gargantuan mushroom plummeted into my path from the edge of the still intact brickwork. Keeper ordinarily despises these sweaty vegetables but this one was admittedly of the fresher variety and, besides, I had no time to dodge as it was soon on me like a priest in a Vatican. Expecting to be consumed by its  moldiness I was surprised with the happy accident that followed next.

mario-one-gameplay-arcade-classic-game

I returned to my former glory and, for a split-second, rode forward like a man on a mission. Sensing an open chasm ahead, I jumped once more with new found belief towards the gaping fissure, deducing the angle required to vault it, use the earthy platform to propel myself forth and ultimately make the safe haven beyond where a flag pole was beginning to look well within my grasp. What I hadn’t banked on was that the platform was mobile and, as I readied my boots for brief landing, it scrolled off behind me to the left leaving me hanging tantalizingly above a sheer drop.

martyrmario

My whole life flashed before my eyes in that moment, I recalled a lifetime of happy memories as I prepared to meet my maker. With one last hopeful glance I focused to my left and witnessed the grease-ball plumber chortling as he clambered up his flag pole to victory while I trod air like Wile E Coyote. I swear he even stopped halfway up to give me a cheeky wink and that’s just bad form in my books.

Cover-up-Girl-princess-peach-9312119-600-374

At the top of the flagpole was a busty princess, voluptuous 8-bit curves, long lustrous locks and peachy lips puckered for a potential night of passion. My smile faded as I began my descent down the cliff side, hitting every rock on the way down and into plummeting into the black hole. Meanwhile, my opponent bagged the princess while his brother watched on, monkey wrench in hand. Such a cruel demise, I had been so agonizingly close but there were to be no continues here. I had been soundly beaten, it was as simple as that.

nightmare3d

Suddenly I was jolted forth from my nightmarish 8-bit dreamscape and back into the confines of my sleeping quarters. I had learned a valuable lesson from this shady debacle. Video games are bad for one’s health. Granted, I have frittered away countless afternoons grasping my Pong paddle excitedly but I now understand exactly why they carry a health warning. Fuck Mario and, while I think of it, fuck Luigi too. Most of all, fuck Princess Peach. She’s nothing but a skank if you ask me, mincing around in her pink ball gown, fluttering those false eyelashes. If she hadn’t been such a filthy bag of felch in the first place then none of this would’ve happened but Bowser’s battering ram was just too tempting a proposition to resist. I sincerely hope you contract an STD; not gonorrhea or anything treatable like that. We’re talking advanced herpes, that shit stays with you like airport luggage. Happy scratching bitch.

tumblr_nq0hirr56B1u106ico1_500

Sintendo,

Keeper of the Crimson Quill

#BrutalWordWrangler #CrimsonHoneyDripper #CruelWordSculptor
Copyright: Crimson Quill: Savage Vault Enterprises 2013

keeper-rivers-of-grue

1-UP for Peach

princess-peach-porn-729257

MatureContent_zps8fa993e6

If you have fond memories of your childhood and don’t wish for them to be sullied, then I would advise you not to go any further. You see, I have happened across a rather startling discovery. Princess Peach, that adorable picture of sweetness and light, is not quite as innocent as it originally appeared and it turns out that she is partial to a pounding. Mario really ought to think about getting that chlamydia test as it turns out that she’s been romping with every sprite in the kingdom and that includes Toad who, I’m fairly assured is without gender. I am mortified; never again will I look at a green pipe the same way. You have been warned Grueheads; the following images may well shatter all your childhood dreams in one fell swoop.

TheDirtyMonkey-199352-Princess_Peach_Again_p princess-peach-naked-thumb peach_and_daisy___56_1843547986 ba7fa7f6220d31f5ed65850338cf4afe 402979 - Princess_Daisy Princess_Peach Princess_Rosalina Super_Mario_Bros. Super_Mario_Galaxy Toadette Toadsworth 356079 - Super_Mario_Bros. Princess_Peach Princess_Daisy Tansoku102cm 942938_-_Mario_Princess_Peach_Super_Mario_Bros__animated 1_1425564_Bowser_Mario_Princess_Peach_Super_Mario_Bros__Toad_sparrow 299b9529ecef392323565bca42d037b3 0320b452178ce499f89427b97198aed4 153366-Bowser-Nintendo-Princess_Peach-Zone 587215 - Super_Mario_Bros. Princess_Peach BozzoPervert.jpg 744897_-_Mario_MrBooblover_Princess_Peach_Super_Mario_Bros_ 1333979 - Donkey_Kong Pauline Princess_Daisy Princess_Peach Super_Mario_Bros. Super_Mario_Land radprofile 1351406 - Bowser MrPenning Princess_Peach Super_Mario_Bros. 1437761541141 1411232731754-2 tumblr_nps99ugl4k1u106ico3_500 peach-rape-1 c1f46ab2a068fadcd4b2a3502dde8052

rivers_of_grue_banner_by_annthraxx

Leave a Reply