Also known as In Colagirl We Thrust
Number of Views: None
Release Date: April 1, 1979
Country of Origin: Switzerland
Sub Genre: Bollywood Erotica/Family
Running Time: 9 minutes
Budget: Twelve hand jobs
Box Office: Fifteen Chewies
Director: Marlee Matlin
Cast: Pam Ferris as Birk Fiddler, Burgess Meredith as Slack Corner, Jessica Tandy as Bamber Shaves, Brian Dennehy as Mead Scoffwild, Don Ameche as Duck Grope, Heather McCartney as Cola Girl, OJ Simpson as Brittle Will, Robert Davi as Grotty K, Carol Kane as Necky Garnett, Clive Owen as Droid Gondola, Mickey Rooney as Bod Shafter, A.L.F. as Bahad Klaxon, Shelley Long as Burt Schlongstrong and introducing Forest Whitaker as Boris PP Maringuez/Benny From the Bronx
Suggested Audio Candy:
Misty Swing “Jazz Flute”
The year is sometime in the late seventies. Tensions run high in the discotheques as the Swiss Army Brogue has just peaked in popularity and everybody wants a pair. This guy is white, creamy magnolia to be precise; more pallid than Roger Rabbit’s bleached ass-carpet and more vibrant than the Brothers Gibb’s pearly dentures. But he’s stacked like a meaty sheesh, with disco balls which glimmer like a crystallized cum-broach.
One day, as Birk Fiddler is slaving away in his dead-end job he is spotted by a big swinging cock in the Adult Entertainment industry, sporting a mustache which resembles a gymnastic caterpillar and eyes as small as shrunken sultanas. This cat’s name is Slack…Slack Corner to be precise and he suggests to excitable Birk that his schlong is mighty long and would look good inside Colagirl, or the tip at least. Fiddler slides it free like a mauve fire-hose and Slack’s peepers widen like a thoroughbred’s ass trench after an evening on the glucose.
We then cut to Mead Scoffwild, who spots Birk’s girthy salute at a pool party held at none other than the condo of Brittle Will, a bullet waiting to happen but also one of the finest cinematographers north of the fish tank directly south of Mead’s position. They are introduced and a romance blossoms…Mead is happy being Kneel and Birk of course just has to be Bob. This arouses Grotty K, a sexually confused Mormon with a twizzler like a flaccid leech resting on two ripened cherry tomatoes. He attempts to act as spotter but blows his load like an excitable cannon inside his own nylon nut hammock.
Crimson cougar Bamber Shaves takes Birk under her bingo wing and offers him some stale bread and three curious olives…Des, Mohammed and Dr Gleason III. She spikes them with washing detergent and his whites become even whiter. Marlee Matlin proves again that she can get the best from her cast and this is her first Directorial outing since Children of a Lesser Womb bagged her Best Monologue at the Vespers last leap year.
Of all the players it is OJ whom floats to the top like a body in a river. He plays Brittle Will with great conviction and shows glimpses of being the next Louis Gossett Jr if he plays his hand well. Clive Owen breathes warmth and vitality into the character of Droid Gondola, while Jessica Tandy’s Bamber Shaves spends over half the film wearing only ear muffs. She’s aged well but phones in her performance after her rousing turn in Shafting Daisy’s Paddock with Derek Griffiths.
Boogie Nights II never really matches its predecessor in terms of original concept but the moment when Fiddler, Scoffwild and Shafter enter into a suspect trading card swapshop and it all goes awry is tenser than an Amish ass-clench. The soundtrack consists of a cocktail of seventies Jive including such classic dance hall stomp-biscuits as Bungle Beaver by Milli Vanilli, Mama Told you not to Cum by Bill Withers and Climie Fisher and the glorious Fooled Around and Fell in Sideways by Godley & Cream.
I urge you to seek out Boogie Nights II as it is the best of a disappointing summer roster. Denis Leary’s ChafeBalls performed poorly at the Box Office while the new vehicle by Woody Allen entitled Ostriches in Vienna flopped hard despite enlisting the talents of Midge Ure, Whoopi Goldberg, Marc Singer, Wilford Brimley, Sally Kellerman and Tom Arnold. It has zing, a little ping, nine and a half chicken wings on a string and is over before the bulimic goose sings.
Crimson Quill’s Judgement: 9/6
Pune Rating: 0/12
For the Orderlies: Apart from a couple of bed pans and a brief flash of Tandy’s beaver on the 33 minute mark there is little discernible Pune.