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Simple Minds Sanctify Yourself

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 Why is it that so many of the souls I am so very blessed to come into contact with on a daily basis seem to lack belief in themselves? Yes my beloved Grueheads I am speaking to you. I may come across as Scarlet Genesis, companion of Keeper of the Crimson Quill, oozing confidence from every pore all day, all night, and a natural-born leader, but let me assure you this is not always the case. I love y’all too damned much to ever tell any lies. I scribe brutally honestly and unapologetically, I feel it only fair to warn you that true to mirroring life, things aren’t always as they appear. Surprised? I thought not.

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I know for certain some of you have sussed out the above, as you have reached out to me, offering the strength and warmth of your caring arms and encouraging words during my times of unravel. For this I will be forever indebted. Others extended in a different way, letting me know I was not strumming said melody on a stage made for solo violin. We raised the horse hair bow and stroked it gently across the glimmering strings. What was once thought of a solo morphed into first a duet, a quartet, and then a full-fledged symphony of souls. Each note, in its own unique and most marvelous way, grew more comforting than I feel that I can confidently convey with mere written prose, but I shall try, because silencing those ghastly inner demons from the past, is what it’s all about.

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Yes, you heard correctly, no ear wax cleansing necessitated here. I myself have bouts of chasmal self-doubt, followed by stints of cavernous lows for lacking belief in myself, when I clearly shouldn’t. I often kick my own arse for having such thoughts, when I am reminded that such needn’t be the case. A most vicious cycle indeed. Unavoidable, quite possible though unlikely.  Intrusive fuck yeah, debilitating, you guessed it. It is analogous to the sound of a thousand voices screaming simultaneously at deafening volumes and try as I may, hands gripped tightly over ears, sometimes they just seem to get the best of me. This is most disconcerting, since once those pesky little buggers have me within their suffocation inducing grasp, their meddlesome attempts to take the reins succeed and I feel utterly powerless against them.

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They seem to multiply like Gremlins being fed after midnight and their effects are horrific. They hijack my cranium and take it for a most excruciating ride. Let me be perfectly clear, this is no runaway Thomas the choo-choo, it is a hijacked freight train and baby, I am not in control of this damned locomotive. Definitively not bound for glory, this train was previously headed for a nasty and seemingly inevitable derailment. That is not what transpired, and I want to share this intel with each of you.

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My train did not derail. I bare all for you, why? Because that is just who I am and if so much as a single syllable of this rant makes even one of you feel less alone, then my time pecking away on this keyboard will not have been in vain. I do not wish to disappoint, nor shatter the illusion as lately I have heard that I am a Goddess. This is most humbling to say the very least, for as my original twitter name implied, “I’m just me.” I am certainly no Goddess. However, hearing the most magnificent of people’s opinions of me has had a stunningly profound, positive effect. Everyone benefits from positivity.

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Someone indubitably close to me dared to approach more with vigorous intimacy, one who struggles with their own belief, took the time to just lay it out, revealing all, and gave a shit enough to remind me of the fact that I am well and truly loved, unconditionally. This was no small feat considering the endless facets that are glued together in my make-up.  Whilst knowing that we each struggle with monsters of our own he brought to my attention the fact that I, little old me, had the power within myself the entire time, to simply make a choice. “Hey ya know what, this is ludicrous, and why shouldn’t I just decide to be happy?”

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These little fuckers are just my old self trying to creep sneakily back in, but I will sleep well tonight.  Knowing without a doubt that I am unconditionally adored for who I am, despite my many imperfections is just, so perfect.  How do I know this? Because “I love you,” never changes. Despite what insane roller coaster the hell spawn from within try their hardest to concoct, the battle wages on. “We are all fighting our inner demons, but we can do it so much better together.” Simply yet resoundingly, eloquently stated.

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Though I am certain I will continue to wrestle these rascals on and off on an intermittent basis for as long as I endure my time here on this planet, I am making a conscious decision to shush them and to choose to be happy. I appreciate what I have. I now exercise mindfulness not only for with others, but with myself. There is no shame in doing you, whoever suggested that to begin with has some issues of his or her own to explore.

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Honestly I cannot comprehend how anyone could possibly exist on this planet for thirty or forty years and not be affected by the society in which we live. Does that make us “crazy?” No. It simply reminds us that we are human.  As humans we have free will, despite our inner selves trying their damnedest to convince us otherwise. Accept the hand that reaches out to pull you from the trenches and make a conscious effort to move forward, because the future is where it’s at, regardless of what scars we may wear from the past. Instead of dwelling on prior mistakes made when viewing, see them as battle scars, reminders that we are all still here and very much alive. Then dismiss them, because they are no longer relevant. Choose not to let you past define you, as it has the potential to threaten your future. You cannot go back, you cannot change it. Therefore kiss it goodbye and set your sights only on what lies ahead.

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Over-analyzing often occurs when the answer is right in front of you.  It’s tragic that so many sadly fail to see it. Decide you won’t let them run you. Visualize locking the bastards up in some ornate trunk and locking it away forever if that’s what helps you. Take any steps necessary, but I implore you to do whatever it requires. Why drive yourself further into an inessential mental locale when the answer you seek lies right before your splendid peepers. Choose to be happy. Love yourself. Love others. Spread that shit like wildfire. We need, we bleed, we feed, we heal and we lead, together.

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“Love is love reflected”

Click here to read Am I Inside

 

Scarlet Genesis

Copyright: Crimson Quill: Savage Vault Enterprises 2015

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5 Comments

  1. Brilliant piece–my favorite kind of writing, my favorite kind of transparency. You matter. Period. Keep up the fine fight of faith … in yourself, in the world of humanity, in love.

    ~ Shauna

    Sent from my iPhone

  2. This is so true, and so quotable, I don’t know where to begin. The number one problem with all my students, collectively speaking, is a major lack of self-confidence. I guess this line rang so true for what I see in the classroom all the time, and from my own experience: “…silencing those ghastly inner demons from the past, is what it’s all about.”

    Oh, and you are a goddess!

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