Sometimes everything gets too much and my mind and body end up screaming in anguish. Strange physical reactions occur, the low grade headache and trembling all over. Flare ups of everything and subconciously taking too many Kalms Valerian herbal pills. This is what it’s like to have reached the end of my tether and strong desire to make peace with everything that has gone on.

Friendships have blossomed then sadly withered and died since childhood and harbouring negative thoughts is fruitless. A high school best friend and I went everywhere together, wore each others’ clothes and were inseparable. Until the day my dad had a heart attack. Her cold response was “My dinner is getting cold” as I told her. We each had our faults and bickered, of course we did, but that was the final nail in the coffin. Worse than that email she sent me informing me of my ‘faults’ “as a friend”. It was game over and no extra lives. For years I felt irritated and angry with her and allowed it to cause stress until one day in therapy, we did an exercise about gently letting go. It felt weird being advised to forgive her as I certainly needed forgiveness too. But I went along with it and it worked. Now I just reflect on all the good times we shared and hope she is doing well.

The most gnawing irritant is being dragged into something that’s actually none of my business whatsoever. Maybe because I happen to know someone, I’m perceived as the enemy. So must everyone else be who’s connected. Wild accusations based on nothing but paranoia flew at me and I tried to calmly assure but it didn’t help and the situation escalated. I felt a pawn in some plotting vengeance game. Since then, I’ve made peace with them in my mind and accepted an unfortunate gross misunderstanding had occurred so wish them all the best in life. I can’t do anything about it so why should it trouble me?  And taking sides is ethically wrong and no-one should be forced to do so.

In our lifetime we argue, fight, fall out, offend each other, are misunderstood, say things the wrong way, the list goes on. Most things can be retracted and apologised for yet there are those bites that cause too deep a wound to repair. A degree of effort is made to make up but it’s like standing on rotten wood, you keep falling through. This has happened many many times since I was wearing a 1980s green jacket lined with a comic book strip (refer to Acceptable In The 80s by Calvin Harris). But within my heart and despite everything I may say, I still continue to care for people I’ve lost during many a storm.

Misunderstandings are my major downfall. You see, I’m of the morbid personality type, the type you need in life to be undertakers, butchers, military, surgeons, pathologists, abattoir staff. Who can deal with things people should never see and could never cope with. I have a dark sense of humour and make generalised observations but never laugh at people directly. That went against my ethics when I was a dental nurse and mortician. There are no boundaries when it comes to humour and discussions over a coffee. I always put my foot in it and ‘take things too far’. In my perplexed mind I don’t get what I’ve said ‘wrong’. Surely it’s opinion, not one of the Ten Commandments. So if I’ve ever said anything unwittingly offensive I can all but humbly apologise.

I end this feeling calmer than I have been and visualising leaves flowing past me in a stream beneath The Faraway Tree (my childhood happy place as an Enid Blyton fanatic). Memories floating by gently and quietly relegating my thoughts, feelings and destructive behaviours to a much healthier place. As healthy as I can be of course. I urge anyone with ongoing anger, hatred, irritation, etc to find their calm place too. We all deserve peace and healing from any form of hurt. And acceptance that not all relationships are meant to be.