Suggested Audio Candy:
Daryl Hall & John Oates Maneater
Today my beloved Grueheads, the Keeper of the Crimson Quill will crown his True Scream Queen #1, and it has proved a painstaking pursuit. However, I feel wholly vindicated in my decision, no matter how stiff the competition may have appeared. I understand that everyone has their own opinion and this just represents mine so apologies if your favorite femme fatale hasn’t made the cut but I trust I cover at least most of your bases. To any misguided soul who claims that my final assumption is biased, I would urge you to read my bio. I pride myself on my sincerity and, without it, my word pool would simply run dry. I pride myself on conviction and savage honesty and, the day that isn’t the case, will be the very same one in which I will die. So without further ado, here is my #18 thru #1 rundown of the enticing beauties who have all stroked the Crimson Quill in one way or another over the years.
#18 Barbara Hershey & JoBeth Williams tied
I must come clean, that wind tunnel which blew Diane Freeling’s oversized baseball shirt up to reveal those white cotton Poltergeist panties, was me all along. And that unseen force which molested Carla Moran on multiple occasions during The Entity was…not me, that would make me demented. I was however, the one egging said entity on from the corner of the room where I tugged like Flicka from Jungle Burger (whilst wishing her to come to no grievous harm of course). Both warrant their place on the list for these performances alone, as Keeper had some Paranormal Activity of his own going on, if y’know wat I’m sayin’.
#17 Melissa George
Starting out in Aussie soap, Melissa escaped the rickety sets, left the shrimps on the barbie, and found her true vocation within her beloved horror. Leading roles in films such as Triangle, The Amityville Horror, Turistas, and 30 Days of Night has given her abundant opportunity to exhibit her natural flair within the genre and she has proven herself reliable time and again over the past decade. While clearly not one to eject from the bedstead for parting those rosy cheeks and letting out a placid puff, I would still rather rock with Vasquez. Does that make me unhinged?
#16 Britt Ekland
Only Britt could make such an incongruous dance erotic. One can only imagine the trails spread across the door frame, such was the tenacity in which she pressed her moistened quim against it. This imagery in turn created our own varnish which was housed in an unbending gym sock behind the bed post, should we get there in time. With such a parade of pagan pleasure, Woodward Wood was an inevitability, and that wicker furnace felt like fair compromise for the preceding carnal delights. Britt’s peachy buttocks still gyrate in a small corner of my mind perpetually forty years later.
#15 Susan George
With a résumé that includes Dirty Mary Crazy Larry, Fright, Die Screaming Marianne, and Venom, Susan more than earns her right for inclusion and, as Amy in Sam Peckinpah’s notorious Straw Dogs, she really had me by the short and curlies. Rural England was the setting as she suffered at the hands of some over-enthusiastic locals and one scene in particular is still the subject of great controversy over four decades later. I find rape as hard to sit through as the next man but something unprecedented occurred as Ken Hutchinson repeatedly slammed her back paddock. Little minx actually enjoyed her punishment and massive kudos to Peckinpah for delving into the grey areas of human desire so unflinchingly. I left the scene unsure as to whether I was aroused or incensed and I’m positive that was precisely the intention.
#14 Janet Leigh
I always felt a little embittered by her turn as Marion Crane in Psycho and, regardless of the confines of sixties sexual repression, could never shake that nagging feeling that Alfred Hitchcock had the true director’s cut locked up in his memory banks as mind bullets for when he returned home at the end of a hard day’s shoot. We, the viewer, had to make do with a glimpse of her sturdy brassiere and the knowledge that, should you unfasten that harness, two symmetrical spherical joy givers would sit pert like silicon putty, with likewise trajectory. Janet was also 50% responsible for another entry on this list and you don’t need a degree in neuroscience to work out who that may be.
Jeanette Helen Morrison (July 6, 1927-October 3, 2004)
#13 Marilyn Chambers
Late madame of the macabre, Marilyn Chambers, had a fleeting introduction to horror under the watchful eye of visionary director David Cronenberg and the porn starlet’s raw sexuality proved the deciding factor when casting Rose in Rabid. Marilyn was the most up-and-coming star on the circuit back then catered for our carnal desires with hot headlining roles in skin flicks Insatiable and Behind the Green Door amongst many others. As Rose, she had that Chloë Sevigny look and vulnerability, all the time carrying a mysterious aura as she inserted her under-arm member deep into our welcoming cranial cavities. Chambers continued working right up to her untimely death in 2009, but she will always live on through Rabid.
Marilyn Ann Biggs (April 22, 1952-April 11, 2009)
#12 Marilyn Burns
Marilyn’s presence would be much higher had it been purely based on her performance as Sally Hardesty. The Zola Budd of horror would give Forrest Gump a run for his milk money and “Jenny” just doesn’t have the same bite as “arrrgh.” Tobe did a bit of an Ashton Kutcher on poor Marilyn and pranked her ass good. Let’s not get it twisted, she was aware she wasn’t shooting Kramer vs. Kramer, but at no juncture was she fully alert to his true intention. Hooper put his beleaguered starlet through the bloody ringer, with the hulking frame of Gunnar Hansen only ever a handful of branches back, and wielding an instrument of annihilation which appeared worryingly out of control. Even Leatherface’s hefty bulk seemed to struggle keeping that bad boy on a leash and I envisage a soiled pair of panties come laundry day for Burns.
On a separate note, there is much hidden hilarity following on from that infernal chase. A mere five minutes after panting like play group pedophiles we were supplied with comedy gold as Jim Siedow bonked our burlap-bound belle upside her pretty little head, whilst wearing a full set of demented grinning gnashers, assuring her that she was in safe hands. Additionally, Allen Danziger almost made the True Scream Queen listing for his shrill shriek as a large rusty mallet found a route through his tight perm.
#11 Sigourney Weaver
Some may be surprised that Sigourney narrowly misses out on a top ten spot and that is down to personal preference I’m afraid. At 5′ 11′ she is a little too domineering for my liking and any woman who can stand by my side and make me look like Warwick Davis just freaks me out a tad too much to be considered alluring. But that is not to say that I wasn’t right alongside that xenomorph as she slid into her space suit back on the Nostromo. Horror has never been Weaver’s true calling despite her recurring role as Ellen Ripley although she did pop up recently in Cabin in The Woods for a wonderful late cameo. However, Ripley has gone on to become one of the most iconic female characters in cinematic history and she definitely led the late-seventies charge, along with Jamie-Lee Curtis, celebrating women in film in the process. By the way, you can see why Charles Dance wanted a go in Alien 3 as a life-sentence of perpetually witnessing Brian Glover bending down to pick up the soap-on-the-rope was punishment enough for his crimes. He was shafted directly post-coitus but the xenomorph preferred to go in dry.
#10 Barbara Crampton
Barbara’s career spans six individual decades although it was her output in the late eighties and, specifically, her turn as Megan Halsey in Re-Animator and Dr. Katherine McMichaels in From Beyond that put her squarely on horror fans’ radars. In the former, she was forced to endure a sound slathering from David Gale’s disembodied head and, the latter saw her decked in S&M gear as Dr. Edward Pretorius attempted to cop a handful. Crampton has popped up on numerous occasions, from low-rent classics such as Chopping Mall and Trancers II to new-age big-hitters You’re Next and Rob Zombie’s underrated The Lords of Salem. If Barbara was laid out naked on a metal gurney and the only way to grab myself a lick was to lop off my own top box, then I’d be donating my bow ties to science before you could say “fancy some head?”
#9 Sheri Moon-Zombie
Cliff Richard Devil Woman
It is plain to see what possessed Rob Zombie to sink his munching molars into the cowgirl of horror. There’s something almost grindhouse about her charm and Sheri would look just dandy in a Stetson (and only a Stetson). Her roles in her hubby’s rustic nightmares have grown in size and stature, along with the pulsating pricks of many a ranch-hand. Even when she plays dowdy à la Halloween or cakes herself in war paint she still distributes the blood to my prime rib, and watching her get “nailed” in Tobe Hooper’s Toolbox Murders teased the tool with tantric tenacity.
She’s infected, lumbering along with flesh pouches flapping, but still we crave for her affectionate nibble. One thing I would mention is that it would be intriguing experimentation to see her step away from her beau just occasionally to observe how she flourishes under another’s direction, as opposed to constantly appearing in Zombie’s exclusive but rigid stylization.
#8 Daria Nicolodi
Long-term lover of the great Dario Argento, Nicoldi showed up many times in his work throughout the seventies and eighties, showing up in Suspiria, Inferno, Tenebrae, Phenomena, and Opera, as well as Mario Bava’s nightmarish Beyond The Door II. Her significant other loved nothing more than to kill her off in all manner of inventive ways and this echoes their turbulent relationship. However, she was more than just a poster girl for suffering, and played a major role in influencing a number of his works for the positive. This included split writing duties for his resistenza pezzo, Suspiria. If that wasn’t enough then Asia Argento was a rather delicious bi-product of their involvement.
#7 Ingrid Pitt
Perhaps best known as Hammer Films’ seductive temptress from the early seventies, Pitt’s top-tier framework and mysterious allure perfectly suited her Gothic casting and her credits included The House That Dripped Blood, Countess Dracula, The Vampire Lovers, and a small turn in The Wicker Man. After becoming known for her theatrical work in East Berlin, she was ripened for the silver screen by the turn of the seventies and, I have to come clean, I would have had no objection to a love bite if it were her incisors doing the punctuation.
Ingoushka Petrov (November 21, 1937-November 23, 2010)
#6 Caroline Munro
My first introduction to Munro was Dracula A.D. 1972 and this leggy brunette bombshell showed up in a number of genre works right through to the late eighties with turns in Maniac, The Last Horror Film, Slaughter High, and Faceless, as well as The Spy Who Loved Me where she more than earned her stripes as Bond girl Naomi. Aside from her generous assets, she just had that look, and her eyes could burn right through to a man’s core in a heartbeat and there wouldn’t be a damned thing he could do about it. After lean spells in the nineties and noughties, Caroline has started to make something of a minor return of late and is positively screaming out for a leading role to sink her fangs into.
#5 Danielle Harris
Much as we placed a deposit on Natalie Portman in the glorious Leon: The Professional, we packed Harris in manure and watered her for seven years after she spent her eleventh birthday on set for Halloween 4. It took her metamorphosis to propel her back into the limelight, but this was a shrewd decision on her part as, upon her emergence from her chrysalis, she sprouted the most magnificent gory wings and fluttered before us akin to a grue-soaked Tinkerbell. She simply emits sex from every pore and the fact that Rob Zombie saw fit to strip her down like a ripened banana TWICE suggests that she joined he and Mrs Moon-Zombie in the mental boudoir on numerous occasions. Annie Brackett’s bared broken body managed to be a sight of pure horror, whilst stirring one’s loins like a cackling witch.
Miss Harris is prevented from snatching higher placement on account of the service she has been provided thus far. Marybeth simply isn’t destined to be her destiny, although that shot of her teasingly obscured painted body being hosed down was admittedly one of the highlights of Hatchet III. She has excelled more when taking on projects such as stellar vamp flick Stake Land and takes roles such as Blood Night simply to keep herself busy while she awaits that critical turn. I truly believe it is coming and the best is still very much to come.
#4 Adrienne Barbeau
If you’ve read my appraisal for The Fog then you’ll already be aware that this fine, voluptuous vixen only needs part her lips and I transform into a quivering mass of whale blubber. As Stevie Wayne, she oozed sensuality; her small-town radio persona did something profound, stirring my sexual casserole with a giant fleshy ladle. Once spouse to the former Master of Horror himself, John Carpenter, I can imagine her husky tones rocked him to sleep every night, and indeed the ‘tache was only worn to soak up the saliva that formed habitually around his grateful lips. She was, of course, Swamp Thing’s muse and one can imagine the girth of that dude’s mossy member. Almost without exception she stroked the Crimson Quill, and even as Billie in Creepshow I found her strangely alluring, although the voice of Stevie was replaced by a grating high-pitched whine that set my teeth on edge. Barbeau evidently enjoyed being at one with nature and with a brace of bodacious bosoms such as hers it is easy to see why.
#3 Jamie Lee Curtis
The word elongated springs forth when mentioning The Body. Legs which flat refused to end and her almost impossibly fine framework understandably earned her that mantle. Few former scream queens rocked it like Jamie-Lee; both Prom Night and Terror Train were elevated above par by her sheer on-screen presence and, to this day, it’s still unknown as to whether she was actually responsible for Leslie Nielsen’s hair turning white. The bi-product of Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh’s fine genes, she strode from their shadows with those protracted pins and was passed her mother’s tiara as Janet took her ultimate bow. For Keeper, it was Laurie Strode for which she will forever be remembered most affectionately and I would merrily swap her clumsy (but still damned sexy) lap dance from True Lies for one more peep of her limping through the corridors in her hospital gown during Halloween II.
#2 Linnea Quigley
Her Horror Workout alone became the instrument of many an adolescent’s self-defilation as mother’s moisturizing lotion began to deplete with haste. Similarly odd socks emerged as the rage around the time she picked up that iconic chainsaw. She seemed at ease with it, unlike poor old Leatherface who was still waving it wildly in pursuit of Sherman Klump’s cousin down the Texas state highway. As Trash in The Return of the Living Dead she stripped down to her leg-warmers and joined the dance of the decaying, complete with short crimson locks. Never fear, she has appeared many times in her chosen craft and, to this day, remains many folks’ choice as the true eighties scream queen.
#1 Diane Foster
Carly Simon Let The River Run
This delectable damsel is dynamite, there’s no benefit in not coming clean on that count. Diane Foster seduces every last one of us with her supple curves, come-to-bed gaze, liquid lips, and hair that frames her like a piece of fine art. She is endowed not only with production expertise and acting credentials to kill for, but she has a body to literally die for. I regularly feel like the newscaster from Scanners, head fit to pop, as each piece of sublime imagery reveals a little more of her darkness. Her soul is resplendent; kind, warm and affectionate, in sumptuous contrast to the brutality she effortlessly depicts. Her chest there are no superlatives for, tantalizing treasures of pert perfection which slay us instantly. These two guiding lights illuminate our innermost desires and quench our carnal thirsts.
Flip to reverse and you are greeted by two splendidly sculptured domes of delight; simply edible and wholly justified in their seating on the throne bequeathed. Lady Die is fully aware of her appeal and fully comfortable in her skin (who wouldn’t be?). Each day brings a different visualization of her salaciousness and regal demeanor, and her vast assets are in every area. Christ! There really wasn’t any procrastination when casting her as the number one True Scream Queen. This brings me to the second part of her all-encompassing appeal. Recently I was greeted into the TOK Family and, I will say, never has a finer honor been bequeathed upon the Keeper of the Crimson Quill. This affords a varying perspective; my first thought now is of my dearest cruel sibling, a true lady with such refinement and dignity despite her voracity.
She has become the object, not only of affection, but also fierce admiration. Professional in the extreme, the devil doesn’t wear Prada, it wears scant bikinis and precious little else. Look deep within her optical orbs and you will see more natural grace than any other. Diane Foster could easily have been dazzling in Merchant Ivory period dramas, flirting in the most dignified manner with Mr Darcy. It is to our eternal benefit that she has chosen to devote herself to horror as we are the real beneficiaries of that decision. She wears her bloody regalia proudly, exhibiting her vehement attachment to our beloved genre. They say you cannot chose your family but I am mighty proud my freshly christened Baby Sister chose me.
Our crimson queen, our dark heart’s dream,
you shine with true effervescence,
The sky fills with rays of those warm LA days,
spent in your glorious presence.
Your beauty profound, our true scream queen found,
all the others have just been mere surplus,
evermore, we adore, every inch we explore,
your integrity, dark dream, and purpose.
For the quill, it was sealed, as those eyes were revealed,
with an open invite to your soul,
I’ll endeavor forever to just serve you better,
and assist in your cruel bloody goal.
Without hesitation, it’s my proclamation,
hear the pride in my voice as I state,
No more rightful a queen has ever been seen,
No majesty ever this great.
Bloody sister divine, I pray to your shrine,
and I kneel at your feet in a second,
you share light through the dark, leave indelible marks,
and I’ll walk alongside you when beckoned.
With kinship comes blood, it wires us with love,
I bleed such devotion your way,
Summer slaughter, no falter, with our bricks and mortar,
the Rivers shall run red each day.
Truly, Really, Clearly, Sincerely,
Keeper of the Crimson Quill
Copyright: Crimson Quill: Savage Vault Enterprises 2013 (Revised Edition 2015)
Jeanette Goldstein (Aliens)
I know it’s wrong, She’s more of a man than her entire platoon but there’s something undeniably sexy about Vasquez in my opinion. Ask Drake, at the point of evac he couldn’t take any more, and that wasn’t alien jism which sprayed up in his face, he’d just had a spicy Mexican the night before.
Linda Blair (The Exorcist)
Wrong on many levels but forgetting the obvious, her head rotating a full 180 mid-fellatio would be a step too far for Keeper. She displayed unequalled dexterity with her crab-walk but once more the copious vomit is a little too off-putting, unless you’re a fan of Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, in which case, bask away.
Sissy Spacek (Carrie)
I know, I know. Creepy Carrie was hardly seductive was she? More rusty than lusty. However, those opening credits to Brian De Palma’s Carrie were the very reason Blu-ray was invented. Such a melange of flange, enough to pop your peepers right out of their cavities and, as the camera panned in on our menstrual momma’s girl there was just sufficient steam to make it sexual, just for a jiffy.
Diane Franklin (Amityville II: The Possession)
My rationale behind her non-inclusion on the former roster is this: only once did she foray into horror and, when she did, her sweaty incestuous brother tempered any potential eroticism with sleaze, although it still stands as one of the most powerful scenes of eighties horror. Miss Franklin has become something of a legend of late but, alas, it seemed that every director only desired to hire her minus her clothes and regrettably she vanished as a direct result to our eternal bemusement.
Zelda Rubenstein (Poltergeist, Anguish)
This one was not through free choice, I watched Anguish last night and she used cunning hypnosis from beyond the grave. Rubenstein offered admirable displays of grip as she straddled that rope in Poltergeist but nothing to justify her inclusion here other than as a token of subterranean reverie. God rest her soul.
Zelda Rubinstein (May 28, 1933 – January 27, 2010)