Suggested Audio Candy:
Michael Small Marathon Man
Having recently crowned my True Scream Queen, Diane Foster, it seems only fair that I give the ladies something to holler at. The following thirteen animal alphas, are a baker’s dozen of the hottest male properties known to woman and, while beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I have wished to be every last one of these bucks at least once in my life. Regrettably ladies you will find no Ryan Gosling here as he hasn’t ventured into horror thus far but there are still plentiful reasons why you may wish to double up on panties.
#13 Jeff Goldblum
Never what you would consider a poster boy hunk, Goldblum’s intensity is the key to his allure with the ladies and he relies on his inexplicable persona to bag the chicks. Roles in The Sentinel, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and Mr Frost have allowed him to make full use of his outlandish appeals in the field of horror but it is as Seth Brundle in David Cronenberg’s The Fly that he is most affectionately remembered. Pre-transformation, he exhibited sexual prowess the likes of which every man yearns and his stamina in the sack remains unsurpassed to this very day. As long as you didn’t run your hand down his back or nibble his earlobe, then you would be guaranteed a round of sexual gymnastics of Olympian eminence. Going for hours was no sweat to Brundlefly and appreciative recipient Veronica Quaife must’ve been chafing something chronic the following morning, such was the pounding she received from this insatiable insect.
#12 Thom Mathews
Thom possessed that boy next door charm which led cougars the world over to offer him a bosom to rest his head upon and his blonde locks and blue eyes served him well for a time. In Dan O’Bannon’s Return of the Living Dead, he misplaced his pulse and began to decompose with great haste before our very eyes. This was admittedly not the most alluring sight as, by the conclusion, he frothed at the mouth like a rabid hound. However, a year down the line he stepped into the shoes of troubled Tommy Jarvis for Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI and this time his blood exceeded room temperature. Things were looking decidedly rosy at that point but sadly, despite working consistently throughout the nineties, Matthews ended up drifting off into perpetual obscurity.
#11 Bradley Cooper
Not to be judged by his vagrant-like appearance in the first act of Limitless, Cooper has become a big deal over the past few years and his reputation has been bolstered by crowd-pleasing turns in The A-Team and the Hangover series. Before his asking fee rocketed however, he popped up in Ryûhei Kitamura’s impressive 2008 adaptation of Clive Barker’s Midnight Meat Train. He played an obsessed photographer, fixated with a glut of gruesome subway slaughters who couldn’t deny his voyeuristic leanings, venturing back night after night to snap the mutilations first-hand. Like Jim Caviezel, his allure is primarily in his striking blue peepers which send the ladies into rapturous bliss and cause many wiener-wallets to spill out their loose change.
#10 Tom Atkins
Come on now, every one of us knows damned well that this guy has sex appeal. He may not possess it in a conventional manner, and could stroll through a Zumba class undetected it would seem. However, I would wager a bet that the wolf whistles and soggy leotard gussets would commence the moment he muttered the infamous words “thrill me!” under that mighty mustache. While Stacy Keach was no doubt suffering from the inevitable ailment of mid-life sexual dysfunction, there was nothing impotent about this fine man. Underneath those pleated slacks sits a penile 44 Magnum, full chamber and aching to fire off a few loose rounds. Ask Jamie Lee Curtis; she spent no more than a quarter of an hour perched alongside him in his truck and her quim quivered like a gelatine javelin. She just couldn’t contain herself around his majestic middle-aged magnetism. With a splendidly pitted face reminiscent of sexual sandpaper and “the look” which could turn on a vixen’s vulvic valve without the ‘tache even lifting from his lips, he effortlessly makes the list although, keeping it real, the lower reaches are best suited to Tom. Despite his lowly standing, he ain’t no algae.
#9 Ryan Reynolds
The cheeky chap can turn his hand to any genre but in 2005 he paired with Aussie horror queen Melissa George to take on James Brolin’s role in Andrew Douglas’ remake of The Amityville Horror. Ladies may recall him standing sopping wet in a flimsy T-shirt which clung effortlessly to his wash-board abs. It was a pretty shameful attempt at getting the blood rushing to many a haunch and proved a runaway success with women globally performing rain dances in equally shameful endeavor to get the crotch of his denims wet also. Men on the other hand, cursed his existence and wondered what that strange buzzing sound was emanating from their wives’ boudoirs. No relation to Burt; Ryan does however share his prosperity with the opposite sex and manages to do so without Burt’s glorious ‘tache. While he may lack his nostril hugger, Ryan has been known to cultivate some fairly impressive facial furnishings of his own.
#8 Matthew McConaughey
He’s fortunate to even make this list as his foray into horror consists of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation which is utterly blasphemous to the revered mantle. This bad case of filmic diarrhea pissed and shat on the memory of Tobe Hooper’s pièce de résistance and subjected poor old Leatherface to resembling an extra from Some Like It Hot. Renée Zellweger put in a turn she may rather forget but we will forever have branded in our memories. McConaughey actually fared better and was a rare highlight in an otherwise turgid pool of goose phlegm. Always popular with the ladies, his cheeky persona and chiseled framework causes many hearts to flutter. Matthew keeps himself in tip-top condition through a variation of different extreme sports and treats his body like a temple. Subsequently he is worshipped by most women with a pulse and even some without.
#7 Brad Pitt
One half of Brangelina; Pitt has long been considered a hot piece of ass by the female of the species although jealous men worldwide struggled to make a connection. His performances speak for themselves and have gone some way towards alleviating the hatred, particularly after gifting us with Tyler Durden in David Fincher’s Fight Club. Like so many Hollywood A-Listers he started out plying his trade in low rent horror garbage and the skeleton in his closet is Rospo Pallenberg’s Cutting Class, memorable only because of his presence. He’s a fine actor and obvious sex symbol, underlined by the fact that even as Benjamin Button he managed to get his end away. Pitt has vowed to throw in the towel at fifty, presumably to play daddy day care to the swarm of children he and Angelina have adopted over the years but it would seem fitting if he finished with Cutting Class 2, just for kicks.
#6 Christian Bale
The Dark Knight is considered by many as a bit of a swine but not Keeper. I hold him in lofty regards and have done since my primary exposure to murderous yuppie, Patrick Bateman. I won’t harp on too much about the sheer precision in Bale’s deadpan psychosis as I’ll likely rattle on akin to a dithering pensioner once I commence. What I will mention however is his ferocious commitment to any role he undertakes. The consummate perfectionist, Bale digs deep to find the emotional core of his character and seldom puts so much as a pinky wrong. He has swagger and sexual charisma to spare and, if this man commands you “lean forward and clean your vagina”, then clean it you do.
#5 Johnny Depp
The Peter Pan of film started off playing Nancy’s main squeeze in Wes Craven’s A Nightmare on Elm Street. Back then he was a fresh-faced teen and now, thirty years on, he’s a fresh-faced teen. While Nancy appeared to age with alarming velocity, looking like Miss Daisy by the time the end credits rolled, he found the secret to eternal youth, seemingly gaining lifeforce as she wilted in lightning fast time. His character didn’t fare too well however, dropping off in his comfy divan and being sucked through the mattress where he exploded like a well-shaken soda in a fountain of sickening grue. Depp has shown great versatility and refreshingly hasn’t relied on his pin-up looks to get ahead, instead challenging himself with parts which enable him to exhibit his inner child. Recently he said au revoir to his French sex kitten muse of fourteen years Vanessa Paradis who presumably grew weary of tidying up his toys every night.
#4 Bruce Campbell
Few females would be able to resist the charm of The Chin. Since starring in his buddy Sam Raimi’s low-budget splatter-fest, The Evil Dead, he has become possibly the most iconic B-Movie actor on the planet and something of a sex God to boot. Few could argue that he doesn’t have the tools in his armory; one slash from his wrist-mounted chainsaw and any negligee would fall to the floor before you could say “Groovy”. Moreover, he is seriously backed up; Deadites aren’t the most attractive of creatures and the poor bastard doesn’t get much in the way of visitation in that old log cabin. To make matters worse, by the time he finally found his way out from within the woods he was thrown into a retirement home with a bunch of crusty cronies who made the Deadites appear a far more attractive proposition. Nevertheless, should the opportunity arise, he would kick away his Zimmer frame in a second to “give ’em some sugar”.
#3 Christopher Lee
Granted, he may be of accelerated years now, but Lee is also possibly the most emblematical Casanova of the 20th century. As Dracula, one glance of Lee’s elongated incisors would cause any maiden to cum through her chastity belt and all before the A.I.D.S. epidemic hit in the eighties. The STD of choice for The Count was vampirism and the brazen hussies lined up in orderly fashion to receive their terminal nibbling. He has outlasted all of his great stablemates, suggesting he may well be exactly who he claims to be. Alas, since this article was originally scribed, the great Christopher Lee has passed on, but he leaves behind him more than simply a void. He leaves an indelible legacy which will be remembered long after we have all turned to dust.
Christopher Frank Carandini Lee (May 27, 1922-June 7, 2015)
#2 Kurt Russell
What can be said about Kurt that hasn’t already been covered numerous times already? I know… his wife never ages. Goldie Hawn seems to remain perpetually in her twentysomethings which suggests one of two things to Keeper: either she sleeps in a cryogenic capsule or benefits infinitely from feeding Plisken’s python night after night. I suggest it’s the latter; Kurt can make a lady squirt by the simplest of facial movements and gush through her gusset by flexing just one of his biceps. Admittedly he is beginning to show signs of age but, having headlined some of the eighties’ finest feature films, it only takes one repeat view to reopen the floodgates. To think the late Charles Bronson was originally intended to play Snake seems plain preposterous to me as nobody else could have pulled off the eye patch with the conviction he did and there’s no finer Elvis impersonator in existence. Kurt actually managed the feat of making Elvis himself look like a second-fiddle tribute act.
#1 Matt Farnsworth
Number one with a bloody bullet, the modern-day Master of Horror is the reason the term man crush was invented. Let me elaborate; this term doesn’t actually suggest that I desire to engage in rectal pillaging, merely that I wish I could slip into his skin and see life through those piercing blue eyes just for a day. Evidently that day would include copious amounts of copulation with True Scream Queen, Diane Foster, but that’s a whole different article. Every picture shared (and there are many) exhibits his raw sexuality, and also his comfort in front of the camera. This in itself is a rarity as horror filmmakers aren’t traditionally known for their pin-up qualities and many are suited to their place on their director’s chair.
Farnsworth breaks that mould; he takes that perch through personal choice and could just as easily be the leading man. I’ve had the exclusive privilege of looking into those globular oceans of intensity on many occasions and every iota of self-belief and conviction exists in person I assure you. He is stacked like Phil Hellmuth’s poker chips and proportioned exquisitely also with a Mohawk that resembles the fin of a shark which, considering his childhood love for Jaws, seems fitting. Matt wears his multitude of tattoos like war paint, forming a tapestry of formidable artwork across his baby-soft pelt blanket. Yet despite appearing unapproachable, feral and ferocious, he is truly a beautiful creature and a gentleman to boot. The eternal optimist, totally benign unless fucked with, and with mad intellect under the hood, it is with hands firmly down that he claims the illustrious crown. The King is dead, long live the King.
Truly, Really, Clearly, Sincerely,
Keeper of the Crimson Quill
First Knight of TOK
Copyright: Crimson Quill: Savage Vault Enterprises 2013 (Revised Edition 2015)