Suggested Audio Candy:
James Horner Aliens
Which film from your childhood really rocks your world? Is there any movie which you’d wished had ended a little differently? There are many films which have captivated us over our lifetimes which could’ve, maybe should’ve, concluded far differently and it is the Keeper’s task to give them their own unique spin.
My next choice is James Cameron’s seminal sci-Fi extravaganza Aliens. Every kid growing up loved the shit out of this titular movie. It stood alongside the original on its own merits and, to this day, remains perhaps the most watched blockbuster from my filmic upbringing. However, there was a five-minute spell when it lost its pizzazz for Keeper, and this involved two names: Vasquez and Hudson. They both made it right to the bitter end until Cameron decided it was time for Ripley, Hicks and Newt to go it alone. When both perished in short succession a little piece of me died with them. So what would’ve happened had things played out just a little differently?
The Keeper Cut
“They’re in the goddamn room man!!!”
Hudson is reading it right, the xenomorphs are indeed scurrying along in the ceiling vent towards the survivors’ coordinates. Burke is off like a whippet, saving his own skin and making a dash for the nearest exit. He locks himself into the next room, forsaking his buddies in the interests of science. As he opens the adjoining door a waiting death-dealer retracts its drooling jaws to deliver the ultimate head punch. Burke sharts in his company briefs. and we cut back to the others who have, by this point, lifted those roof tiles and seen the full extent of what lies above in wait.
It’s all going off, Ripley, Hicks and Newt are already navigating a small vent at the back of the room, followed by Hudson who, deciding he’s not man enough to stand and fight, is climbing into the shaft with tail firmly between his legs.
“I ain’t staying here for this shit”
He pushes Newt to one side and shuffles past her to gain himself a little breathing space from the advancing xenomorphs.
Vasquez and Gorman are last in the shaft, immediately followed by a cluster of scuttling aliens, all sensing the fear of the incoherent babbling fallen lieutenant. Vasquez is forced into using her sidearm as ammo is depleted and she uses this to fend off the critters who are coming from all directions now. One pops his head through a grate and she slams her boot on its cranium, firing a close-range bullet into the alien’s temple. She instantly rues her decision as burning acid spills on her ankle, rendering her incapacitated. The realization sets in that these fucks won’t stop until they’ve tasted blood and the private decides it is time to do the right thing.
She looks at Gorman, pulls the pin on the grenade and he gulps as he realizes he must now grow a pair and go out with dignity alongside his teammate.
“You always were an asshole Gorman”
She then tucks the frag into the back of his head bandage and crawls away leaving this snivelling punk to detonate solo.
The explosion causes Newt to fall through a floor fan into the basement sewer and, while Hicks and Ripley consult their motion trackers to locate the missing child, Hudson grabs the first available elevator back to the surface, leaving them high and dry. In the nick of time they manage to fish her out just as a nearby prepares to pounce and make their way back to the elevator shaft. As they wait anxiously for the cargo lift to return, the aliens become aware of their position and begin closing in rapidly. Finally it arrives and they hurry inside but the mischievous Newt cannot resist pressing every single button on the wall panel.
As the metal door commences shutting one opportunist xenomorph pops its head in to say hi but receives a bullet in the cranium for his troubles. Unfortunately, as his head bursts like a whoopee cushion in lava, the resulting deadly acid splurge hits Newt full-on in her pretty little face melting her down into an unrecognizable pile of molten slag.
The elevator stops at the very next floor and the two remaining love birds step out and move towards one another to claim that kiss we were all willing on. Unfortunately Hicks suffers a bout of narcolepsy and drops off mid-pucker, leaving Ellen to drag sleeping beauty through a network of pre-hatched facehuggers all chomping at the bit to become the xenomorph that bagged Ripley.
As she struggles to the exit, Ellen spots Apone cocooned against the wall looking rather the worse for wear. The Sarge is clearly harboring one of those gestating fucks Hurt-style in his man-womb and has already commenced convulsions.
“My asshole and elbows hurt Ripley, cut me loose dammit”
She is fully aware that Sarge is one chest-burst away from royally screwed so, with an apologetic shrug, moves swiftly on.
Sarge’s cries ring in her ears as she makes her way up the last flight of stairs to the evacuation point. The first sight she witnesses is that of Hudson heading off into the distance in the last remaining forklift powerloader laughing maniacally.
“Game on man”
He’s gone postal. Moreover, Vasquez is clinging to the mechanical exoskeleton for a free ride and provides one last flip of the bird to her associates as they make their escape.
Sensing that their options are now severely depleted; Ripley frantically wrestles her walkie-talkie from her pocket and calls Bishop. Automated service…FUCK!
“Please hold. We are trying to connect you. The person you’re calling knows you are waiting”
After almost two minutes of grating hold music; the android eventually picks up.
“Where the hell are you Bishop?”
“E…..T……A……Fifteen minutes, give or take depending on traffic”
Ripley places her still sleeping beauty gently to the ground and cracks her knuckles as she spots the queen sneakily attempting to flank her position. These two menstrual mothers are ready to dance to the death and only one remain standing come the bitter end. This is going to be one epic skirmish.
Or at least that was the plan. Sadly Bishop has gone a little AWOL since some of Spunkmeyer’s creamy residue found its way into his circuitry, causing him to short-circuit. Instead of docking the Sulaco as requested, he casts his memory banks back to all the mean things Ripley ever said to him, and decides against throwing her a bone. Instead he opts to fly the vessel straight into her, killing her outright, and sending a sickening spray of entrails across his windscreen. The nonchalant Bishop fires up his wipers and gives a wry smile before returning to factory settings. Meanwhile, Hicks has not been disturbed by all the ruckus and continues to enjoy his forty winks as the elongated shadow of the queen looms before him menacingly.
Truly, Really, Clearly, Sincerely,
Keeper of the Crimson Quill
#BrutalWordWrangler #CrimsonHoneyDripper #CruelWordSculptor
Copyright: Crimson Quill: Savage Vault Enterprises 2013 (Director’s Cut 2015)