Brute, Entity, Animalistic, Savage, Troglodyte
Suggested Audio Candy:
Dennis Michael Tenney, Steve Ring, Rich Lowe, Paul Ojeda, & Bobby Thompson The Beast Inside
adjective – not domesticated or otherwise controlled
What is a beast? Let’s consider the facts shall we? While it may appear that our feral friends are vertically challenged, their hind legs are capable of taking the weight, making it easier lunging at their quarry. Manicure and pedicure are two words that mean little to them and the impetus is on being able to prise open a shell in double-quick time. Should tusks be necessitated then can serrate effortlessly whilst blunt enough to ensure that it fucking smarts. One also imagines them to be hung like blue whales and, while penetration can be a somewhat excruciating affair, they do make rather formidable lovers.
Take Christopher Lambert for example. What Greystoke lacked in social airs and graces, he made up for with being dynamite between the sheets. I would imagine that Andie MacDowell’s legs were still buckled by the time she waddled on set to shoot Sex, Lies, & Videotape five years later. By the time she helped Gérard Depardieu secure his Green Card in 1990, the chafing must have been simply excruciating. All that for a few minutes of jungle dick. Her commitment to nature kind of makes her more bearable.
So we’ve ascertained that the beast is rather efficient with regards to horizontal folk dancing but what other tools does the beast have in his extensive armory? All over fuzz would be one thing; enough hair to make Alec Baldwin appear like that kid from Powder. You could plat a beast’s underarm furnishings to fashion a hefty shag pile rug and still be left with sufficient off-shoots to formulate a Jackson Five tribute act. Then there are the eyebrows and there is no cause to pluralize as it’s strictly mono all the way. All in all, they don’t make the best domestic pets. If you still don’t believe me and are considering captivity then I would suggest you go one better than Celine Dion and think thrice. Here, I shall sing you a shanty and perhaps then the penny will drop.
My monster is lurking that’s it over there
the one on all fours with the shaggy long hair
not domestically trained or a good public speaker
stand too close to this beast and your future gets bleaker
I don’t wish to blow this right out of proportion
but I think I would air on the side of great caution
for if I should loosen its shackles this day
it can prove problematic to keep it at bay
My monster has never really been much for dating
it skips to the chase to commence impregnating
once it’s had its way with you planted its kernel
I’d run for the hills as it’s far from paternal
You may find relief should you choose epidural
but I would just pray that its birth plan ain’t plural
breast-feeding is dicey could prove to be pricey
as the fruit of its loins have been known to be feisty
Best start expressing that milk straight away
need more than a crib to keep these fiends at bay
home schooling is wise and you would be advised
to think long and hard on the plan you devise
If you think it sucks now you should see them full-grown
Best take one last look at your once happy home
For when they are through it won’t be quite so cosy
and your best laid plans would look some way from rosy
You see why I’m airing towards contraception
there’s little immaculate about this conception
a moment of weakness and you’ll pay the price
as it may well be fertile but doesn’t play nice
Education fell flat it’s not easily tutored
I’d cut off its sack but my beast won’t be neutered
I’d therefore suggest that you choose a wide berth
or rub on some lotion cos here comes that girth
You see Grueheads, you cannot tame the beast. Moreover, there are already a few integrating into society, sharing our oxygen, drinking from our water coolers, and pilfering our livestock. Take Peter Gallagher for example; he is one such primate and I believe he has been placed in the entertainment industry to eat it from the inside out. No man can possess monobrow as expressive as he without having surfed atop a camper van at least once in his cycle. Sorry Mr. Gallagher but I’ve got your number and will be keeping well clear of the moors until such time as somebody fits you a muzzle.
When it’s time for the beast to feast then feast it shall without dalliance, no requisite for cutlery, as they prefer fast food to à la carte cuisine. Gristle and marrow are merely appetizers and will be guzzled down faster than Oliver Reed could empty a pitcher of cider. You’ll never be required to excuse them from the dinner table as they’ll be two steps ahead on that front; devouring any ground level surplus the very moment you shake off that napkin. However, once nourished they’re actually quite docile and more than content to nuzzle your groin, while possibly taking an opportunistic lick of your femur. Dental hygiene isn’t a strong suit; as long as their teeth fit their face then it matters not whether they resemble busted up grand piano keys. If you’re looking for the way to a beast’s heart then I would suggest looking no further than their stomachs.
While they don’t integrate particularly well with society, there are certain nuisances which they take particular exception to. If you’ve noticed piles of discarded mail littered across your front yard and doused in deep red then chances are the postman won’t be ringing twice from hereon in. FedEx couriers will invariably show up on the side of milk cartons and that paperweight you procured from Amazon will likely never reach its destination. On the plus side, you’ll never again have to worry about Jehovah’s witnesses interrupting your NCIS marathon so it’s not all bad. Whatever you do, don’t try and tame the untamable. Just keep a secure distance and let them go about their daily business without meddling and you should be just fine.
Currently I am in Beast Mode and this week I shall be exploring what makes for an effective scavenger. I’ve tried applying the human touch and it doesn’t seem to paying off so, for the next few days I am getting back to nature. This will mean misplacing my linen and being in the altogether as I cannot hope to ascertain more without first going primal. If that means flashing my fur then so be it; we’re born naked and, fingers crossed, will die that way too so why not spend a little time feeling the air in your nooks and crannies during the interim? One thing about the Keeper of The Crimson Quill is that I don’t believe in half measures. It’s all or nothing and, considering I currently have nowt left to lose, I’ll opt for all thanks. Society has tried to tame me and failed miserably; thus I’m busting out of my cage for the foreseeable.
I suspect that we have much to learn before this sequence of barbarous essays plays out to completion so it’s time for a quick heads up as there are dark pleasures laying in wait. I intend the third and final chapter to be offal of the grubbiest order and have chosen dapper dread head, Marcus Miller, better known as the notorious Orphan Killer, to close us out. What more abominable a beast could there be than he? Right now he’s grinding those incisors, prowling about the darkest recesses, and preparing to show you his tool. In the meantime, I have prepared quite the faustian banquet Grueheads and would suggest clicking the link below so we can move straight onto sloppy seconds.
The beast in all of us sins,
Keeper of the Crimson Quill
Copyright: Crimson Quill: Savage Vault Enterprises 2013 (Revised Edition 2015)
Beasts in Heat
If there is one thing about an untamed beast that’s a given then it would undoubtedly be sexual prowess. This ordinarily entails getting down and dirty as copulation is never far from their thoughts at any given moment. I don’t wish to rile any brutes so I will be supplying precisely what I believe makes their gristle whistle. The following gallery proposes to be the very epitome of primal and you may find it loathsome should your pelt be insufficiently thick. Remember this one’s for the beast in all of us. We’re talking untamed wild Amazonian beauties with lustrous manes and lovely bones but precious little in the way of table manners. I would therefore advise discretion as it’s about to get a little hairy.