Vaginosaur: Leftovers




Suggested Audio Candy


[1] Madonna “Into The Groove”

[2] Chris Isaak “Wicked Game”




It had all come to this. Jodie Fisher’s illustrious annual pool party, thrown on precisely the same day for the past three years and the stuff of local folklore. Traditionally, this was the most prestigious social gathering on anybody’s calendar within a fifty kilometre radius and everybody who was anybody would attend. I had never had the exclusive pleasure due to the fact that Jodie absolutely hated my guts and made no secret of her disdain but this year I was going with or without her blessing. She had a dynamite body so I already knew that she would spend the entire evening flaunting her ample assets over by the poolside. Meanwhile I would mingle some, keep my head down so as not to arouse her suspicion, and attempt to suss out Randy’s intentions. I would love to say that I had prepared myself for both eventualities but would be lying through my teeth if I did. Should he be nothing more than a wolf in sheep’s clothing then I would rip the lad’s shaft from its very roots and chew that shit up beyond recognition whereas should he, in fact, be my Prince Charming then I was somewhat at a loss for how things would pan out. There was always anal I suppose.


Alas, restraint was likely to pose something of an issue as the yearning for food was beginning to overwhelm me at this point. Progressively over the past two evenings my haunch had begun to dictate the order of play and wasn’t about to take no for an answer. I guessed it made sense for my own body to eventually betray me as it had done so right through my adolescence, from first bleed to primary seed. At first it appeared as though we would be able to work in cahoots but that had seen decidedly mixed results thus far. While the world was unlikely to miss Chet and the nefarious Dr. Smythe had finally had his license to practice, as well as breathe, revoked; there was a trail of destruction which would invariably lead back to me before too long. With the net closing in around me, I would be required to fast-track the situation so as to finally work out whether Randy lived up to his billing. I would achieve this by dressing provocatively, drinking profusely, and flirting outrageously with him. If he was benign then my endeavor could well see him running a mile but at least I’d have my answer. Our union seemed doomed from the offset so right now I would settle for a little clarity.


As far as parties go, this one was admittedly something of a doozy. Jodie may well have been a downright whore but she also made rather an exquisite hostess, lining up trays of jelly shots and laying on the very best in music to get fucked up to, nothing I would give a second listen but everything to a tanked-up teenager looking to bump and grind through the night. The clientele were, as expected, an eclectic mix of empty-headed floozies and similarly vacant bucks, with a smattering of intellectuals just to keep things diverse. As I weaved through the procession of sweaty revelers I heard one delightful party-goer marveling at, and I quote, wall-to-wall clunge and that pretty much summed the whole party up. It was to be one of those events which begun on the patio and ended for most in the bedroom, down the alley by the nearest dumpster, or in the back of a convertible. I began to question what in blazes I was doing at such a clearly debauched gathering of nitwits, nincompoops and nonentities but my loins reminded me in no uncertain terms that there was work afoot and they weren’t leaving on an empty stomach.

Deadly Spawn 3

Randy stuck out like a double-jointed elbow among such lowlifes and reprobates. He looked like his will to live was draining fast and had adopted wallflower posturing outside of the lively central hub whilst sipping a shandy and praying for some sort of epiphany to numb his boredom. He got me instead, knowing that time wasn’t on my side, I made my way straight over and plonked myself down on the couch alongside him. Much to my relief, my forward approach worked as he was overjoyed to see me. He explained that he had suspected I had gotten cold feet and admittedly I was nearly twenty minutes tardy, although it took that long to navigate the crowd and locate him. It’s funny, a mere twenty-four hours earlier I was busy offering my services to a whole bar full of lowly pond scum whereas now I was at a distinct loss for words. Thankfully Randy picked up on my jitters and instantly set my mind at rest.



“Do you remember when we were kids?” he asked.

Judging by the quizzical look I offered as a rejoinder, he assumed the answer was no.

“Did you know that we used to splash about naked together in a paddling pool?” he continued.

“Excuse me?” I blurted, fully expecting the tone to be lowered.

“Don’t worry. We couldn’t have been more than five. Our parents used to be good friends and they would let us play together in your front garden”

I did recall, albeit vaguely “That was you?” I suggested.

“Yeah. It all stopped when there was that big scandal over the water board and suspected impurities in the water supply”

“I remember hearing about that. Shit, I didn’t realize that was you” I admitted.

“Guilty as charged. My folks used to live next door but one to yours but moved to a different part of town the moment the shit hit the fan” he advised.

“Yet here we are now” I said.

“Looks like the universe brought us back together for a reason” he replied somewhat bashfully.

“I guess so” This was going better than envisaged but that wasn’t necessarily a positive given my vagina’s insatiable appetite for destruction. I decided to cut to the chase as it was eminently clear that any chemistry was shared and I just wanted to get it over with.

“Do you fancy cutting this lame party short and going someplace with a little more privacy?” I inquired.

Randy was a full-blooded twenty-one year-old stud and therefore his answer was purely a formality “You bet your ass I do” he replied and had vacated his seat by the time I’d barely finished my sentence.



We made the obligatory small talk as we headed off to a secluded spot in the woods where things could proceed to the next level. I harbored no ill-feeling for Randy whatsoever, moreover, we seemed fairly well suited and I even felt a few butterflies buzzing around my belly before having their wings bitten off by my sexual appetite. I dare not conceive the bloodshed which would likely top off our rendezvous as the last thing I wished for was for any harm to fall on my opposite number. Chet and Dr Smythe had it coming from the start and I felt a surprising lack of guilt over ending their sorry lives but this guy was different. He seemingly knew how to treat a lady and didn’t deserve such an agonizing demise. Nevertheless, I followed my heart on this occasion as there was still a chance that access would be granted and teeth retracted. It was slim admittedly; my KFC bucket wanted nothing more than to savor his drumstick but that bridge was there to cross when we arrived at it. Now would be a good time to become vegan, if there’s ever a good moment for that.


Ordinarily I would let any potential suitor come to me and play at least partially hard to get but, at the risk of being branded a floozy, I decided to make the running and stopped Randy in his tracks for our first kiss. This would help alleviate the palpable tension and perhaps slacken my jaws a little. He reciprocated and we shared that wonderfully awkward primary embrace. Do I use a little tongue? Is my mouth open enough? Shit, I hope that breath lozenge did the trick. Just the usual thoughts which run through one’s mind in such circumstances. Within thirty seconds or so and after a couple of misplaced teeth licks and a potentially disastrous bout of acid reflux which thankfully was at low tide, we found our rhythm. Soon we had become a couple of old pros and my lightheadedness began to subside as any buzz traveled south to haunch land. It was now or never so I grabbed his hand and placed it underneath my top on my left breast just to mix things up a little. He didn’t seem to mind and squeezed my udders like a milk maid. We were pressed tightly together so, when his flagpole reached half mast, I was first to receive the Intel. Randy was a big boy for sure; that was some ankle spanker, suddenly Chet’s minnow was a thing of the past and I began to chomp at the clit for a taste of his six and a half thick inches. It seemed like the right time to crank things up a little further so I moved his hand to my navel and placed it on my belt buckle, propositioning his next move.



Just then, he stopped me in my tracks “I’m not sure we should be doing this” he stated.

“Yes we should. I want you Randy, I’ve wanted you for a long while now” This reply was not under my jurisdiction but, instead, coaxed out by my yearning for tasty treats. My resolve clearly counted for nothing anymore.

“No really” He pulled away “I think we’ve got to stop before things get out of control”

If only he knew. Control was not in my repertoire anymore and I could no longer guarantee his safekeeping should things continue to trend at their current rate of knots.

“What’s wrong?” I asked “Thought you wanted this. Part of you definitely wants this”

“I just can’t” he snapped, pulling back and looking confused and frustrated.

“Is it something I have done wrong?” I quizzed.

“No. I really want to sleep with you but think this is moving a little fast is all” he replied.

“”I wouldn’t normally come on so strong but I fear I may not have much time” I blurted.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…” I considered buttoning my lip but figured fuck it, a problem halved is a problem shared after all and I wasn’t likely to get another chance to lighten the load “I have a little secret” I added, wincing.

“Me too” he replied.

“No offense Randy but I think mine may well trump yours on this occasion” I said flippantly.

“Try me” he responded.



It was the end of the road. Randy had already rebuffed my advances and I decided just to come clean. My life would be over soon anyhow and I’d likely spend the remainder of my life behind bars. On the plus side, anyone foolhardy enough to attempt at fisting me in the showers would get more than they bargained for. I reached for my denims and hastily unfastened the top button, sliding the zipper down, and letting them fall to my feet before I changed my mind. My panties joined them soon afterwards and there I was, noticeably different from the girl he bathed naked with all those years ago.


Randy took one look at my wares and their jutting gnashers and, to my total astonishment, smiled wide. I fully expected a guffaw to follow but it never did. Instead he did likewise, disrobing before my wide eyes and gaping mouth and letting his kickstand ping free. It was a real doozy, shaped by the Gods and not in the slightest bit purple like Chet’s battered bratwurst. I couldn’t help but stare, perusing it optically from shaft to tip until which point as it bared its own set of pearls. That’s right, he too suffered from the same affliction as I; there were regimentally fashioned jaws right round his urethra, snapping the air excitedly as they prepared for chow down.



“What do you call yours?” he asked nervously.

“You’ll laugh at me” I replied dismissively.

“Not being funny but we appear to have something in common. Shoot”

“Okay. Vaginosaur. There, are you happy now? Mock away”

He remained poker-faced, not fazed in the slightest by the affectionate title I had given my growler “Mines called Dicklodocus” he responded and we both burst into uproarious laughter.





The next hour was the best of my entire life; we decided not to chance any union as tonight’s revelations were enough excitement for one evening and instead plumped on taking things slow and allowing things to develop naturally. Just like Spiderman, we had both fallen foul to genetic transmogrification by account of shared swim water as children and that offered a rather wonderful common thread to base our blooming relationship on. Who would have thought that such dastardly deformities would wind up bringing us closer? We walked off hand-in-hand and totally at ease with one another.

“You know…we’ve got to work on its name” I teased.

“What’s wrong with Dicklodocus?” he protested with a grin.

“Come now Randy. That’s a shocking name. Allow me to assist…how about Memberdactyl? Second thoughts, leave it with me”

If we got a shift on, there was still enough time to get to the local steakhouse before closing. Two bloody sirloins coming up.





Truly, Clearly, Really, Sincerely,


Keeper of the Crimson Quill

Copyright: Crimson Quill: Savage Vault Enterprises 2014




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