Suggested Audio Candy
Several clicks away from the morgue, in a dilapidated cabin a couple of kilometres off the beaten track, several teenagers all tanked up with alcohol were blissfully unaware of the shit storm heading their way. The shack belonged to Mitch’s uncle and hadn’t been used since the summer. It had taken Mitch and his friends most of the day just getting the generator running and making the place look and feel more inviting. Not that it mattered; by the time the group had knocked back their third shot of tequila, cleanliness had ceased being a priority and Naomi, who was renowned for not being able to handle her liquor, had already vomited behind the couch and concealed it conveniently beneath a boar-skin rug. The party had somewhat petered out during the past hour. Teri-Ann and Derrick had been first to surreptitiously make their exit and were currently copulating in the master bedroom. Any attempts at stealth had been soundly thwarted the moment Derrick unzipped his fly as Teri-Ann was known around campus as a ‘bit of a screamer’.
While the pair engaged in round one of sweaty coitus, the rest of the group had begun to disband. Patsy and her partner Bijou had headed off into the surrounding woods in search of elusive magic mushrooms. The fun-loving lesbian couple had been practically joined at the hip right through their secondary education, rarely ever squabbling and both completely besotted although they still hadn’t made it public. Patsy’s younger brother Kevin was passed out in the kitchen and Naomi, who had had a crush on him for months, was far too pissed to attempt any move and currently submerged under a blanket in the corner of the room shivering in solitude. She wasn’t supposed to consume alcohol on her meds but rarely listened to reason. Right now she was paying a princely sum for her lack of discipline. This left Mitch and Cerina, who had matched one another stride-for-stride with shots thus far and were just beginning to lose their inhibitions.
“You know if this was a horror movie we’d be the last ones standing right?”
“What brings you to that conclusion Mitch?”
“Study the facts. An abandoned cabin miles away from civilization and a creepy fucking one at that. Eight inebriated teens. Sounds like the perfect set-up for a slasher if you ask me”
“And why would we survive until last?”
“Again study the facts. Patsy and Bijou have gone off in search of fungi. They would be the first victims as it never pays to be hedonistic in such circumstances. Then Teri-Ann and Derrick would get it for engaging in promiscuous sex. Next up would be Naomi”
“Because Naomi is a slut. Sluts never fare well”
“You’re so cruel”
“Cerina. Be real. You’re friends right?”
“She’s my bestie”
“Then you know full well that she loves cock”
“She’s somewhat partial yes”
“Well that’s her snuffed out then. I don’t make the rules. Besides, look at her”
“She is admittedly rather wasted”
“Easy pickings see”
“What about Kevin?”
“Traditionally in situations like these we would explore together after numbers started to dwindle. Kevin would get it while we were off gallivanting in the surrounding woods searching for clues”
“And what makes you so sure we’d outlive the others”
“You don’t watch a lot of horror movies do you? Can I speak frankly?”
“At this point I’d say knock yourself out”
“Well you’re a virgin and have alban hair to boot”
“Firstly, what difference does my hair color make and what makes you think I’m a virgin?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because you’re a virgin”
“I’m fairly assured that sucking dick doesn’t count in the rule book”
“That was one time”
“It’s okay Cerina. It still grants you immunity. For the record, blondes always die first”
“You’ve got it all figured out haven’t you?”
“Pretty much. I’d die saving you from the killer, that’s my cross to bear. But I’d make it to the penultimate scene and die with my head held high”
“What grants you such an honorable demise?”
“Well I know that you crush on me so my death would be the straw that broke the camel’s back. After watching me succumb admirably, you would somehow muster the inner resolve to become a match for our killer and gain elite final girl status in the process”
“Elite. I like the sound of that. Anyway, what makes you think I have a crush on you?”
“The need for a love interest. Tell me I’m wrong”
“You’re wrong and painfully deluded”
“And you’re full of shit. Cards on the table right?”
“Naomi told Kevin what you said about me”
“Fucking bitch. Well it ain’t true”
“It’s okay though. You see, I like you too”
“Good luck with that. I see you as a friend Mitch, nothing more”
“I’m not buying that for a second. We spent the whole of twelfth grade flirting like randy squirrels”
“I was just being friendly. A girl doesn’t always have to have ulterior motives you know. We’re not guys”
“Then why did you tell Naomi that you wanted me to be your first?”
“She’s such a bitch. I was misquoted”
“So if I do this then I should be expecting a slap around the face right?”
Mitch leaned in for a kiss and Cerina instantly reciprocated. Despite Bijou’s advice that she should not give up the upper hand, the truth was that she was intrigued by Mitch and had been since last summer when they were introduced after soccer practice. Evidently she had been misquoted by Naomi; her exact words were “I’m gonna fuck his dick off and wear it as a pussy broach” She had surprised herself with that one although she was nowhere near the prissy queen most folk thought she was. She was also most definitely not a virgin but had wisely kept that little truth nugget tucked away as she knew the damage it had done to Teri-Ann’s reputation. That privilege had fallen to her second cousin Alessandro from Turin when he visited for thanksgiving last year and it was true that Italians make passionate lovers. As far as her friends were concerned, she still wore her cherry with pride and she was happy to keep things that way for the time being although Mitch’s roving left hand was beginning to place a light under her furnace.
“Will you two just get a room?”
Naomi had stirred, albeit momentarily. No sooner had the words left her lips than she had shut her eyes again and continued attempting to blank out their frisky audio.
“We’ve awoken the beast Mitch”
“Fuck her. She’s gone. Now where were we?”
“We were at the point where I stop you in your tracks as there’s no way you’re getting in my panties tonight, no matter how disillusioned you may be”
“The thought hadn’t crossed my mind”
“Then what’s that prodding my ribs?”
“I said it hadn’t crossed my mind. Didn’t say anything about my cock”
“Do you have to call it that?”
“What would you prefer? My Percival?”
“Cute. I’d rather you don’t mention it at all”
“You seemed into this a moment ago. What gives?”
“There’s a fine line between heavy petting and penetration Mitch. I just know which side of the line I want to hang out”
“A hand job then? You can even wear your mittens”
Cerina pulled away in mocked disgust when the real thought masquerading through her dirty little mind involved unzipping his burly totem and riding him like Greyhound.
“I was only kidding”
“No you weren’t Mitch. You know what the saddest thing is? A few minutes ago I was primed to be the final girl and you’re willing to compromise my status just to get your rocks off. Now I’ll probably die first”
“You give off some seriously fucked mixed signals, you know that?”
“I’m a girl. It’s what we do. Keeps us one step ahead of the game”
“No disrespect but fuck the game. I like you, I know damned well you like me, we’re nice and limber and alone”
“No we’re not”
“Naomi? Look at her. Right now she’s riding around on the enchanted unicorn, throwing rose petals to the wind. She ain’t waking for shit”
“This isn’t happening here”
“Well it’s your uncle’s cabin. Find me a spot worthy of me giving up my chastity and I may consider letting your pony out of its stable”
The master bedroom was out. Teri-Ann and Derrick had already accosted the penthouse suite, leaving precious little in the way of comfortable spots for seduction. If Mitch had his way then the sofa would suit just fine although admittedly three broken springs and the wafting scent of Naomi’s upchuck were compromising the mood somewhat.
“He has a tool shed you know”
“A tool shed? You expect me to give it up in a fucking tool shed?”
“We could lay a blanket down and light some candles. It’s pretty spacious”
“No Mitch. You’re going to have to do better than that”
“What about my car? It’s a hatchback”
“Tell you what. I’m going to take a pee while you figure it out. Right now you’re perilously close to striking out”
“Can I come and watch?”
“Of course Mitch, that sounds acceptable. I won’t let you jump my bones but instead I’ll let you witness my most personal pastime. Jesus, you really should drink less”
“How about if I listen in at the door?”
“Goodbye Mitch. Nice try but no cigar this time”
Mitch wasn’t the only one who should measure their alcohol a little more responsibly as Cerina still had every intention of getting shafted this evening. That final tequila shot had made her mind up on that one. She was just relishing making him sweat a little. Her better instinct was telling her not to do anything she may regret by morning but its voice had become increasingly muted by liquor and the other more forceful vocal was situated in her haunch and screaming out for a little twilight trespassing.
Meanwhile Mitch was left to contemplate his seemingly diminishing chances of popping that cherry. He rubbed his groin just to offer it a little encouragement as it wasn’t sure what to make of Cerina’s erratic behavior.
“Don’t worry Gnasher, you’re still getting fed tonight. Prime rib son”
Naomi stirred again in the corner.
“Mitch. I’m drunk. I’m like really drunk. I’ll likely remember precious little by morning but there is one thing which I won’t be forgetting and it is that you call your dick Gnasher”
“Aren’t you supposed to be passed out or something?”
“How could I possibly sleep when I can listen to you make a complete fool of yourself. Honestly, I don’t think there’s gonna be any gnashing going on tonight”
“She’s into me. You said so yourself”
“It’s a lady’s prerogative to change her mind you know. I quote “He has a tool shed you know” Priceless. You’re a treasure alright”
“So what’s your advice? Like I want advice from you anyway”
“You want my advice?”
Naomi sat up in her seat and attempted to school Mitch on the art of not being such a date rapist.
“You’ve got to slow it down. You haven’t even seen her tits yet and you’re trying to buy front row seats to her taking a dump”
“She’s only having a pee”
“Mitch. She’s been in there five minutes and I just heard her straining. Either she’s got some bitching menstrual cramps or she’s logrolling. Regardless, you don’t ask that shit. You gotta treat her like a lady and let her come onto you instead of hanging off her like a frisky mutt. It’s embarrassing to watch”
“Then why not fuck off somewhere else so we can get a little privacy. I don’t do well with audiences”
“Honey you don’t do well…period. If you don’t want to take my advice then that’s fine but I’m telling you, from a woman who knows, your crash and burn is reaching epic status”
Just then the toilet flushed…twice.
“See. Told you she was taking a dump”
“It has a really weak flush”
“Then why can I smell shit and air-freshener?”
Cerina returned to the lounge, straightening her skirt and looking like a girl who just dropped the kids off at the lagoon.
“What have you two been talking about?”
“You know..just shit. Mitch has been telling me of his undying love for you. He said he wants to take things slowly”
Mitch jumped up from his seat as though 1000 volts had just passed through him.
“Right then. Shall we get out of here?”
Naomi wasn’t about to let him get off that easy. It was far more fun watching him squirm.
“What’s your rush Mitch? I thought we could all huddle up together on the couch and watch scary movies together”
“I’ve decided I like you more when you’re passed out”
While Naomi or Mitch were locking horns, neither were aware that Cerina was beginning to look somewhat spooked.
They set aside their petty squabbling momentarily to check on their friend’s status. Her face was pale white, as though all the blood had been siphoned from her ordinarily rosy cheeks. Mitch followed her line of sight to the side window of which she was utterly transfixed. Nothing there, but for a bloody smudge along the glass panel.
“It’s nothing Mitch”
“Clearly it isn’t. What did you see?”
“I have no fucking idea”
Mitch strolled over to the window and ran his fingers along the glass. The pulpy residue was on the outside of the frame. Cerina was evidently shaken by what she had seen.
“I think I want to leave now”
Truly, Really, Clearly, Sincerely,
Keeper of the Crimson Quill
Copyright: Crimson Quill: Savage Vault Enterprises 2014