Suggested Audio Candy
 LL Cool J “I’m That Type Of Guy”
 LL Cool J “Going Back To Cali”
Anyway, enough about you. My name is Dan Challis… Dr Dan Challis. I may well be familiar to many of you already as I am known as something of a big deal around these parts. A surgeon by day, when night falls my job role changes and I undertake an entirely different set of pursuits. My bedside manner serves me well as the Love Doctor; women invariably become weak at the knees before the stethoscope is even in place. My check-ups are thorough to say the very least; no stone is left unturned as I search for my prognosis. I recommend a light anesthetic, one administered orally via my Johnson, and at least two days bed rest is advisable after I perform surgery. Side effects have been known to include temporary paralysis, partial blindness and in extreme cases mild prolapse but all procedures are undertaken with extreme care and a deftness of hand rarely seen. In short, I am possibly the most irresistible man in the history of mankind, one look is ordinarily enough to ensure horizontal posturing and one touch ample to ensure extensive bed wetting in my patients. I hold a rather exclusive record; never before have I lost anybody in my care or, at least, that was the case before the whole Haddonfield debacle.
It was a little over a week before Halloween. The hospital was busy that night and we were severely stretched after an influx of admissions. I had stayed behind past the end of my shift to assist as my colleagues clearly needed me. As a result, my ward rounds had been delayed as my healing hands were required elsewhere. I made an error that evening, one which has stuck with me ever since. One of our nurses, Jill, had just started her on-call and, when I returned to my quarters to grab my pager, I caught her in a state of undress. Ordinarily this would have been the cause of heightened embarrassment for both parties but, when she realized it was I who had copped two eyefuls of her supple flesh, she decided to put on a further show. I requested that she “thrill me” and she reciprocated immediately, sliding out of her hosiery and parading before me in the altogether. In situations such as these one must think on their feet and, it just so happens, I am known for my rapid response. There was no need to scrub; instead I made a B-line for her sopping center and engaged in a spot of water sports. After citing a gush of Niagaran proportions between her legs, I calmly returned to professionalism, grabbed what I had come for, and left Nurse Jill to ponder the best sex she had ever had. Alas, in those few elongated moments, a patient under my care perished.
One as assured as I, Dr Dan Challis, is not easily fazed. Very little gets my goat and bogus intelligence is normally water from a mallard’s spinal column. However, I couldn’t help but feel responsible for this chap’s demise. If I could go back and do things differently then I’d like to say that I would change that night’s events but would be lying through my teeth if I did. Sex is my royal flush you see; nothing trumps supper for the Python, even when lives are at stake. I was a lover long before I learned the art of becoming a fighter and will still be raising temperatures long after the final flurry of fists is thrown. There is nothing I can do to bring the guy back to life but I can honor his memory. Thus I decided to tinker in a spot of moonlighting. From 9 to 5 I tend to my caseload; make sure they are at ease and receiving the very best care. As soon as my white coat returns to its hanger, I become Detective Dan Challis. For the next sixteen hours I am all about cracking the case; making sure that some of the world’s multiple wrongs are righted. I accept all kinds of payment but the cost of my service fluctuates depending on which of my expansive skill-set is utilized. Should sex come into play then I do offer a monthly repayment plan as this has been known to become rather extortionate.
People often stop me in the street and inquire as to how I became so devastatingly sexy in the first place. The truth is, I cannot supply an answer. Some things in life just are; searching for answers will likely throw back no real answers. I hit puberty at six; by the time I had reached my eighth birthday my voice had fully broken and I had already become sexually active, with women three times my age I might add. It wasn’t as though I was partial to the older woman; twenty four just seemed like the ideal age to me. The suitor will likely be taking their final steps into womanhood by that point; between twenty and twenty five most of that teenage angst has already vacated their system and they are primed for that next step. I help with that transition; teach them not to settle for second best and aspire to always aiming high. Yes there is a charge but it’s paltry considering the inimitable benefits of spending fifteen minutes between my silk sheets. I have been known to cause multiple orgasms with my tongue alone and that is where the ‘tache comes into play. Resting atop my upper lip like a contented shrew, this exquisitely-groomed facial fancy knows precisely how to work each bristle. I once made a harmonica cum; that should offer indication of the prowess of the ‘tache. Sometimes I shave it off just to remind my tongue that it still knows how to seal the deal.
I have been posed many questions and always provide a concise answer although one which perpetuates itself is this: have you ever engaged in a threesome? I find this tiresome to be honest; does a nun wank in a brothel? Of course she does; it’s the whole reason the confessional booth was introduced. To suggest that a three-way is open to debate is ludicrous in the extreme; at last tot up I have counted seventeen ladies in my boudoir at the same time…and three farmyard animals, two of which were never again seen. Fret not, I always select the finest in free range poultry. I know right? Seventeen oiled up vixens all writhing around my water bed; surely I couldn’t satisfy all those quims at the self same time. Actually, I did exactly that. Granted there was gentle curvature to quality as would be expected from a menage-a-plenty, but there were no complaints come the end, only smiling faces and tittering thighs. Satisfaction is guaranteed and I have never received anything less than full payment for my services. That’s what I bring to the table; Columbo’s chin may be an aphrodisiac to some, as may Kojak’s bald head, but none are so sexually devastating as the ‘tache of Dan Challis.
I am aware that right now any female addressees may well be already sopping so I shall cut to the chase. It may appear to be all good times at the House of Challis but that is actually far removed from the truth. The grass may seem green from your side of the fence but, in truth, this latest crop has created no end of strife. I received a call from a young lady by the name of Misty; only twenty two years old but looking to be fast-tracked into womanhood…or so I suspected. We spoke briefly on the phone and I was astonished to discover that my demeanor left her somewhat cold. This had never happened before; usually any female’s handset would be doing its own spot of moonlighting after hearing me recite the first three columns of the telephone directory but not this one. She thanked me for my time and hung up midway through my adieu. This knocked me for eight; maybe it was a bad line or her ears need a good syringing. Not a single note of arousal; no grunts, moans or even gentle lip-biting. It was as though she was oblivious to my charm. Naturally I took the case, determine to learn more about this suitor’s imperviousness, and broke out my very best cologne for the occasion. Should her hearing be stunted then there were still four more senses I could use as bargaining tools. Resistance is futile; or so I assumed.
When Misty arrived on-time and looking like a thousand bucks plus pocket change, I was primed for another shift as Love Doctor. However, towards the back of my thoughts was a nagging concern; how would I react to striking out if she decided I wasn’t her type? Such an imagining felt preposterous; Dan Challis is everyman and no lady had ever resisted the inevitable high tide previously. Yet the questions persisted inside my head. Could her vagina have resealed? Maybe she was post-op and no longer in possession of the correct parts. No, that couldn’t be it, my radar had never before let me down. She was definitely packing vadge, just apparently a different model from those I had previously encountered. My very first upgrade; this posed an opportunity for both schooling and augmentation. I called her up to my office and poured a tumbler of Bourbon for her arrival. My back-up plan consisted of inebriation; that’s right, the great judgement impairer itself. A couple of drinks and she would invariably slacken any resolve, become soft clay between my fingers, and fall headlong onto my bedstead before I could clench a wink. Come dawn she would be powerless to my sexual ferocity, having already received a length of my finest mutton and spent the night marinating in its juices. Then I would solve her case.
Misty entered my office and sat herself down nonchalantly. Maybe the fragrance hadn’t yet traveled sufficiently; I just knew I had needed a couple more squirts. It was too late now; I offered her a quick night cap but she declined. “I’ve been tee-total for several months. Now, shall we get down to business Mr Challis?” she replied. How dare she say my name without the faintest quiver in her quim. She was getting darned close to hurting my feelings and I was already way beyond enemy lines with no sign of the cavalry. Moreover her vision was 20-20; she looked directly into my eyes and looked simply disinterested in their pleas for affection. In circumstances such as these, what is a man to do? This was uncharted territory for me. I got up from my seat a number of times just to catch her attention with my tidily-dressed trouser snake but this too proved fruitless. At this point I had began rummaging through my desk drawer for my doused rag of chloroform and was prepared for extremities. Misty was growing restless by now. “Mr Challis. Business?” she repeated with a vague annoyance in her tone.
“Yes of course. I’m sorry. Business” I felt like a kitten who had just returned from being neutered. It had become abundantly clear that she hadn’t the slightest interest in becoming another notch on my bed post. “How can I be of assistance?” I asked, attempting to mask my contempt. “Well, your services come highly recommended Mr Challis. The word on the street is that you are the very best private detective out there. The jury is out as far as I am concerned but I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I need you to travel to my hometown, San Antonio Bay, and locate my sister Stevie. She runs the local radio station from a lighthouse by the bay-side. I normally speak to her daily but the past 72 hours haven’t heard a single thing from her. Her radio frequency has been replaced by white noise and I fear something terrible may have happened. I want you to check it out for me Mr Challis and return her to me safe from harm. That is all.” I nodded and attempted a quick wink in one final bid to moisten her gusset. “Do you have something in your eye Mr Challis?” she inquired. “It’s… erm… my contact lens. Damned thing keeps dislodging. Would you be so kind as to take a look?” It was a cheap shot but that appeared all I had left at this juncture. “Sure” she replied. Game on.
She leaned across the desk and I caught whiff of her own intoxicating fragrance as she stooped just short of my face, held my eye open, and gave it a gentle blow. Her ample breasts were rested against my arm as she came to my aid and I flexed my bicep just to remind them that I do a hundred bench presses daily. “There… that should do the trick” she said, returning to her seat without so much as a mild convulsion “Now then, about our business.” I had a good mind to tell her where to stick her business; she had hurt my feelings and left me feeling somewhat vulnerable. This was an entirely new emotion for me and, I have to say, I didn’t much care for it. It was as though she was completely immune to my fragrant sexuality; most women would have surrendered their uterus the moment they walked into my office but Misty didn’t appear the faintest bit interested in tasting paradise. Nevertheless, if Dr Dan Challis is known first for being an exquisite and tender lover, then his second skill would surely be his glorious detective work. “I will take your case. The only thing left to discuss is the subject of payment.” She smiled for the first time, although it resembled more of a smirk if truth be known. “Money is not an object Mr Challis. You just bring back Stevie safely and I will ensure you are well compensated.”
I was desperate for any flicker of hope and decided that I would forgo any down payments on this occasion as she evidently wasn’t giving up the fanny until the job was done. “I’ll travel there tonight. Shouldn’t take more than about three hours. Leave it with me madam, I will bring your sister back and safe from harm” I informed her and the smile returned to her face momentarily. “Thank you Dan. You don’t mind me calling you Dan do you? I feel like we know each other well enough for first names don’t you?” What a harpy; she was plainly teasing me and gleaning some sick personal amusement from leaving me dangling like an insecure adolescent. “If you don’t mind I have other matters to attend to” I halfheartedly remarked, knowing full well that my clean record in the battle of the sexes had forever been tarnished. “Of course, yes. I shall leave you to it Mr Dan Challis” she replied and vacated my office as calmly as she had entered. I now had two cases to solve; the case of San Antonio and the mystery of miserly Misty. I would be sure to charge her double time for this one.
As I collected my things and prepared for the three-hour drive in front of me, I began to question myself, something which I never do. What reason could there possibly be for her not finding me irresistible? None of her faculties were absent, she looked like a woman and her fragrance confirmed such. Yet she didn’t so much as blink an eyelid when I readjusted my phallus from left to right trouser pleat and was utterly impervious to my come to bed eyes and twitching bicep. I locked up and made my way downstairs to load up my car for the journey ahead but decided one last throw of the dice was necessitated just to confirm to me that I still had that thing. A little old lady was waiting at the side of the road for a chance to cross and this provided exactly the test I required, perhaps not the sternest, but right now it would do me fine. “Would you like some help with your bags madam? They look awfully heavy” I commented. “Why, yes dear. Thank you. Since my hip replacement I have found it so hard getting around. That would be delightful” she replied. Game on once more.
As we approached the halfway mark I stopped her in her tracks and looked her dead in the eyes. I wasn’t about to leave anything to chance after earlier so the ‘tache gave a playful wiggle on my top lip and the serpent in my slacks gave her colostomy bag a gentle nudge. Instantly she gushed with such heft that it forced her underwear free from her waist and they fell to her ankles. I felt a massive weight lift at that very moment and gave her a final wink as I left her where she stood and returned back to my automobile. “But I’m only halfway across” she complained. “Then swim the rest of the way” I replied, buoyed from my successful seduction. As I settled in behind the wheel and prepared to leave for San Antonio, I felt revitalized. I was still a sex God, women still went weak at the knees at the faintest glance, the words Dr Dan Challis still meant something. Okay, bedding Misty was proving somewhat troublesome, and I would need to be on my A-game to wrestle her panties down, but I always was rather partial to a challenge. I’m also the consummate professional; she had handed me a brown envelope with partial payment for services rendered and I intended to solve the mystery and be home for supper and sweaty sex by the log fire. I had every intention of rupturing her spleen on my return.
Truly, Clearly, Really, Sincerely,
Keeper of the Crimson Quill
Copyright: Crimson Quill: Savage Vault Enterprises 2015