Suggested Audio Candy
 C-Spot Run “Nightmares”
 The Platters “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes”
 Splatterhouse “Night of The Creeps”
Nobody ever said that being Love Doctor was going to be easy. Sure, it would appear that it’s all smash and grab but there are a number of downfalls to being considered so devastatingly sexy. Firstly, everyone wants a piece. Let’s not twist the jerky; my sailors refuel at an astonishing rate and are ready for relaunch within minutes of me cleaning out the pipes, so to speak. But the constant attention can become ever so slightly tiresome, after a time. Doctor, can you help me prune my conifer? Mr Love Doctor sir, would you be so kind as to loosen the lid on this cream soda? Now look what you’ve done. You spilled it all down my blouse and it’s soaked right through to my supple breasts. Dan, may I inquire as to how long it will take until feeling returns in my left side? It would be exhausting for most men but not a thoroughbred like myself. Stamina has never been an issue with me; while others my age are cursing their erectile dysfunction, I’m desperately attempting to figure out how to turn the damn thing off. But it can begin to grate.
Tonight has been a pretty ho-hum day in the office, by all accounts. Three times I have been called upon to offer a prognosis and it would have been four had Misty not moved the goalposts. However, all is never lost. Right now I’m parked outside Corman University, watching scantily clad co-eds bounding about in their lingerie and preparing for pillow wars. A gentleman never divulges his actual age although I can happily confirm any rumors that I can bag a woman half my years with a simple shrug to be bang on the money. I’m three times the senior of these particular bunnies but have no doubt whatsoever that, by the time the evening is out, they will all have invited me back to their warrens. Dammit, I’d sleep with me too if I wasn’t already backlogged with hymens to obliterate. You see, it’s all about learning to prioritize.
Apparently I’m expected to track down some dorky date-rapist by the name of Chris, in order to crack the case and earn my reward from Misty. The word on the street was that he and his somewhat less desperate buddy J.C. had gotten themselves into all kinds of strife while attempting to make it through pledge week without their virginity intact. The silly rabbits, no relation to those buxom bunnies, were tasked with pilfering a cadaver from the campus medical center and depositing the stiff on the front steps of the sorority house in question. After breaking into the cryogenics lab, the pair unwittingly roused the interest of a not-so-well-guarded resident corpse and since then the whole situation has escalated. Nobody has the faintest clue what was going on.
We’re talking zombies, extra terrestrials wielding oversized Nerf blasters, airborne slugs with the means of possession, and serial killers who had been deceased since Eddie Cochran was still merely a twinkle in his father’s nut sack. A real bona fide shit show. Time for any other detective to slide on their latex gloves and commence hunting for clues. Personally, I don’t like the way rubber feels against my skin so I stump on sliding in dry. Speaking of which, a couple of frisky teens are on their way over. They had to have received ‘the look’ without me even realizing. I swear, sometimes I wonder whether my facial features have a mind all of their own. I decide it best not to keep these ladies waiting. The love doctor’s work is never done, after all.
“Hey mister. Nice wheels. Real… antiquated”
“Yeah. It’s my undercover vehicle”
Rapturous giggles. I have to come clean, I fully intend on sowing my seeds in all three girls’ grow bags.
“I’m Candi. This is Mandi. And the slightly less attractive one with braces is Shandi”
“Hello girls. Let’s make this quick then shall we? I have matters of urgency to attend to and time is whiskey”
“What do you mean mister?”
“I mean hop in, drop those cotton whites to your knees and I shall cum to each of you in turn”
“Shall I spit out my gum?”
“Yeah, I just had the back seats upholstered. Second thoughts, keep blowing those cute pink bubbles for now and here…take these lollipops”
“Oh wow. I just love lollipops. Thanks mister”
“No problem and please call me Dr. Dan Challis. I’m a doctor you see, a fully licensed doctor of love”
“Well I have been meaning to get my glands checked. I think I may be coming down with something”
“Can my friends come too?”
“Stick around and you’ll soon know the answer”
“My daddy told me not to get into cars with strange men handing out sweets”
“Sweetheart. For the next seven and a half minutes I’ll be the only daddy you’ll need”
“Well I guess it wouldn’t do any harm. Just quickly mind”
“Good. Now I’m going to need you to remove your underwear or better yet drop them to your knees and pull your socks up while you’re at it”
“But my glands are on my neck”
“That’s nice for them. Drop your panties!”
“Okay but only because you’re a doctor”
“Now you’re going to feel a prick. I would say it will only be small but my mother raised me to always speak with honesty”
“Yes. It’s more serious than I thought. Tell you what, Mandi and Shandi, why don’t you two become better acquainted with my associates Pat Trump and Roland Nadsworth”
“But there’s nobody else here mister”
“They hang out in my pants. Now get nibbling. One each remember. And be gentle”
“But Shandi has braces”
“I like danger. It was going to be my middle name but I shortened it to Dan”
“I bet you tell that to all the girls”
“No actually. By now normally they’ve done as they were told and are already gagging on my gargantuan gobstoppers. Just get on with it will you?”
“But our boyfriends are supposed to be meeting us here any moment. Garry, Larry and Barry. They’re the jealous kind”
For fuck sake. Now I know why I left college. I decide that, given the fact that all hell was breaking loose around campus, I should budge things along some. A quick visual recon reveals three gormless looking young bucks making their way towards me, backed up to their milk teeth with sperm, and grinning like imbeciles. None of them appear to be infected in any way.
Fuck it. Three slugs from my firearm and Garry, Larry, Barry and, through way of ricochet, some other douchebag in their proximity are no longer on the agenda.
“I got good news and bad news, girls. The good news is your dates are here and the bad news…actually screw it keep sucking”
“Is there anywhere I can spit this mister?”
“Mmhmm, why don’t you dribble it slowly into Shandi’s cleavage. It’s good for your complexion you know. Shit, she looks like she needs to invest in a new skin care range anyway”
With that, my beeper sounds. Under normal circumstances I would have ignored its grating chirp but zombie outbreaks don’t fix themselves and not all extra terrestrials invest in a return ticket.
“Something has come up girls. Tell you what, just leave any pocket change in my ashtray and return my seats to their upright positions before letting yourselves out. Oh and here’s some creme. Rub it in twice a day for three weeks and it should clear up right as rain. Now if you’ll excuse me Candi, Mandi, Shandi, I have a case to solve”
“Hold on mister. Don’t you want to take our numbers”
“Pfft. Sure. Whatever. Write them on your palms”
Back to business. I still have work afoot and, much as it would have been delightful sticking around while these airheads chewed the fat some more, I am beginning to become downright irritable at the amount of hoops Misty proposed I jump through just for a lay. I was supposed to be beating them off with sticks but this woman has me standing here in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, clutching my wood like a sap. There appears no time like the present so I make my way to the Gamma house veranda and sound the bell. I can hear Chris inside whining like a bitch over his buddy J.C. biting the proverbial bullet. This ain’t my problem, none of this is my problem. However, ensuring Chris’s safety is paramount to me popping off a few rounds back at the flesh palace. He hears my second more impatient lingering chime and eventually plucks up the minerals to fend off the advancing zombie alien hybrids and answer the door.
“Dr Dan Challis”
“The one and only kid”
“I can’t believe you come”
“They all say that. Thrill me”
“It’s a real mess here. There are zombies and, and aliens and, and these creepy slugs. Plus I really like this one girl Cynthia. I think she likes me too but I’m too afraid to say anything in case I’ve got it all wrong. I was hoping you might have a word with her on my behalf. Oh and I don’t know how to operate this flamethrower. Then there’s the house mother, she’s not looking at all well. Things keep turning black and white too. I was thinking maybe you could give my eyes a test”
“I’m no ophthalmologist kid”
“Did I mention I have a funny rash on my groin? I’m not sure if I should be wearing a white button hole or a red one. I think I may have just shit my pants. I can only find one of J.C.’s walking sticks. The TV tracking is all out of whack. I think I may like boys. How many cheerleaders does it take to change a light bulb? Does my butt look big in these? Is the Easter Bunny real? What are we going to do about these zombies? If I shoot their legs off will they keep coming? Does the Earth spin clockwise or counter-clockwise? How many in a baker’s dozen? Was O.J. Simpson guilty? What is the fourth wonder of the world? Do pharaohs party? Why have I got this intense nervous headache? And what’s wrong with my cat Tiddles?”
“Fuck off Chris”
That is it. I am officially off duty. I grab Cynthia and bundled her into my passenger seat, before burning rubber and leaving this pimple-faced jizz jockey to solve his own dilemmas. Jay-Z was right about those 99 problems but I only remember one line from that song. “And a bitch ain’t one”. Hear hear. All that’s left for me to do is raise a toast to Chris and wish him well on his future endeavors in his ongoing battle with the creeps, give Cynthia a rigorous examination, smoke a Cuban, then call Misty and tell her that her nephew is getting on famously before claiming my ultimate prize. She is none the wiser as I snatch his cell before I leave and place it on divert.
It’s no picnic being the Love Doctor. It may seem like it’s all unprotected sex and the exploitation of delicate minds but I’m almost out of bourbon, and that is no laughing matter. Next time you rush to the emergency room nursing a sliced off fingertip, spare a thought for the medical staff tasked with putting Humpty back together again. We have names too; feelings like the rest of you. If you’re male, then try to understand the lengthy wait but, should you be female, then the Love Doctor will see you now.
Truly, Really, Clearly, Sincerely,
Keeper of the Crimson Quill
Copyright: Crimson Quill: Savage Vault Enterprises 2015