The Muppet Dead

Suggested Audio Candy

 [1] Erik Markman “Jazz Traditional – Charleston”

[2] Jason Segel, Peter Linz & Amy Adams “Life’s A Happy Song (Instrumental)”

The name’s Ash. You may know me from the housewares department at S-Mart. You know. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. That’s me in the advertisement, handsome little bugger ain’t I? What can I say? Don’t let my dashing good looks fool you, I’m a one man killing machine. This gnarly piece of hardware by my side is my boomstick. Sporting goods, aisle six. Be careful, it’s got some kick to it. Twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington, the best on the market. It comes with a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair-trigger. Goes blam, I like to refer to it as my boomstick. Retails for about two hundred and fifteen, ninety-five. Used to weigh in at under two hundred bucks but times are hard you understand?

I bet you’re wondering what happened to my right hand. I cut it off didn’t I. You see, my life changed the moment I took my girlfriend Linda to that old cabin in the woods. At first I thought she was PMS’ing or something but I ain’t ever seen menstrual cramps like these before. I was left with no choice but to bury her in the old plot outside the shack and that weren’t no picnic. That’s when they really got pissed off, the Deadites I mean. These festering screw heads made my life a living hell and even my own body began to betray me. I kinda liked that hand, used it to unfasten Linda’s bra and it did so in record time. Of course, it had to go. There was an old chainsaw in the tool shed outside, fully fueled, with teeth like an alloy piranha. It only took a minute.

Sounds like a bad day in the office right? You could say that, I prefer to say that it sucked ass. However, my mama didn’t raise me to be no quitter. Got a strong chin you see, know how to take a hit and not cry like a pussy. I evened the score with those miserable undead grunts, showed ’em who’s boss, then cut ’em down to size with my wrist mounted chainsaw. Persistent little braggarts, I’ll give them that. Of course, you don’t win employee of the month six times in succession without learning a thing or two about customer satisfaction. Turns out they’re not always right and I taught those ugly Deadites a good lesson. If the chainsaw didn’t cut it then one well-aimed blast from my boomstick and they were crying for mommy. The rest is history, your grandkids will learn about it someday. Until then, here’s your legend right here. Hail to the king baby!

So by now you’re probably wondering what brings me back to this infernal place? I like to call it unfinished business. I always said that I wouldn’t rest until I’d sent every last one of those sorry bastards back to hell and I’m a man of my words. I’m here for Necronomiconexmortis: The Book of the Dead, an ancient tome which contains incantations of evil so wretched that it deserves no place in my jurisdiction or anyone’s come to think of it. Not what I would call a light read. It appeared as though the battle was won but the war was far from over. That book holds the key to mankind’s continuation and I ain’t about to turn a blind eye while my brothers are dying on the battlefield. This ends tonight, under the full moon, and in the presence of all you fine people, I shall overcome.

I’ve heard about you lot you know. Grueheads. Nice name, real snappy. Apparently you guys like to watch, well tonight I’ll give you a show you won’t forget. Right now, inside that seemingly deserted cabin, foul work is afoot. The word on the street has it that a group of fun-loving freaks have taken up residency there for the weekend. Instead of simply keeping themselves to themselves they couldn’t resist poking around in places that didn’t concern them. Now all hell has broken loose and who do you call when the shit’s about to hit the fan? The one and only. It’s time for me to introduce them to my little friend and I plan on making it messy. Stick around Grueheads, you may just learn something.

Nice digs. I remember this place but I have to say I’m not so sure on the new drapes. Other than that, this place is pretty much as I left it. I had some good memories here with Linda and my best pal Scotty before the evil awakened. Now all that’s left is pain, well, pain and about a dozen shady looking puppets who seem less than charmed by my arrival. Now I’m not ordinarily the kind of cat who judges a book by its cover but reading ain’t my thing anymore since the evil awakened. These imbeciles haven’t the faintest idea what they’ve got themselves into. It’s a good thing Uncle Ash is around to pick up the pieces. I guess it’s time to introduce myself, find their ringleader and inform them that there’s a new Jack in the shack. They all look pretty gormless to me, I know, I’ll ask the shady frog. He looks like he knows something.

“Hi. Kermit The Frog here”

“What’s up Doc?”

“Can I help you friend? You appear lost”

“I’m not lost”

“Okay well make yourself at home and if you need anything don’t be afraid to ask”

“Fear’s not something I’m familiar with frog”

“I’m sorry. Have I said something to upset you?”

“You’re all in mortal peril”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You’re all gonna die, that is, unless you listen to what I’m about to say very carefully”

“Well that’s cast rather a dark cloud over the evening”

“I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but there’s evil in these woods”

“Evil?”

“What…do I stutter? Yeah, evil. The real nasty kind”

“I’d better call Jim”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You won’t get a line out here. The only way you can save your stuffing is to leave with me now and even then I can’t guarantee your safety”

“I…I don’t know what to say”

“What’s that?”

“What’s what? You’ll have to excuse me, I’m a little stunned by all this”

“That smell”

“I can’t smell anything. Have you seen my nostrils?”

“Smells like…”

“Like what?”

“Let me smell your fingers”

“Okay. If you really have to. Here”

“I knew it!”

“I’m confused”

“I smell bacon”

“Erm”

“Who else you got here?”

“Well the guy on the piano in the corner is Rowlf”

“Hey Rowlf”

“Wassup?”

“That’s my good friend Fozzie”

“Waka waka waka”

“Over there is Gonzo, Sam The Eagle, and Rizzo the Rat”

“Don’t like rats. What about the dude with the cleaver?”

“Oh that’s…well I don’t know his name actually but he’s a chef from Sweden. Came over in the seventies as an exchange student and never went back. I wouldn’t get too close if I we’re you”

“Hergy bergy flocken durk. Here chicky chicky”

“I’ve got no idea what he just said but that weapon could come in handy. Who’s the dick without ears?”

“Oh don’t mind him. That’s just Beaker. He’s harmless as long as you keep him away from toasters and plug sockets”

“Meep”

“And that guy?”

“That’s Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. He keeps Beaker out of trouble”

“Well I must say it’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance”

“Whatever. What’s the point of his glasses? He doesn’t have any eyes. And why are those two old vultures on the balcony giving me the beady pip?”

“I was wondering when you’d ask about them. Statler and Waldorf are our resident critics”

“I hate critics even more than rats”

“What’s he saying down there Waldorf?”

“Dunno. But whatever it is it’s terrible”

[Rapturous applause and canned laughter]

“Oh dear it appears we’ve woken Animal”

“Animal?”

“He gets a little testy if he doesn’t get his eight hours. Well, I think that’s the whole team covered. Now tell me a little more about you mister…”

“Name’s not important frog. Why do I get the feeling you’re holding out on me?”

“I don’t understand”

“As well as the smell of bacon, you should wash your hands by the way, I can also smell perfume. Real fancy smelling. Coming from the bedroom”

“Of course, how silly of me. That’s Miss Piggy. We’re kind of an item. Excuse me friend, you…you can’t go in there without knocking. Friend?”

“Hey sweet cheeks”

“Excuse me. Can I ask what gives you the right to just barge on in here?”

“I’m here to save your bacon”

“I can save myself thank you very much. Now would you mind telling me who you are at once?!”

“My name is Ash. Housewares. And yes they are my real biceps”

“Cocky aren’t you?”

“Not cocky. That musty scent you discern is confidence babe. You see, I’m the real deal”

“Well you are rather dashing. But that doesn’t make me a sure thing you know. I have class”

“And I have crabs. Don’t fight the desire little piggy. You won’t win”

“Well I guess it wouldn’t hurt to get a little closer. Here Ash, come sit alongside me on the bed. Do you have protection?”

“Does this answer your question?”

“My. That’s big. What is it?”

“Call it my boomstick”

“I like that. You’re making me pant”

“Time to meet the other stick”

“Excuse me one moment Ash. WHAT!!!”

“Just checking you’re okay in there Miss Piggy”

“I’m fine. Now leave me be, I have unfinished business to attend to”

“Oh…okay…love you”

“I love you too Kermy. Sorry Ash. Where were we?”

“I think we were at the point where I ask you to slip out of that silk negligee. Time to give it up pig”

“Well okay. But you have to promise not to peek”

“Scout’s honor”

I have to say that I like the way she’s put together. Now I finally know why baby swine are partial to suckling. Linda was a bit flat-chested if truth be known but these blimps are things of great marvel and topped off with nummy little chunks of chorizo. I like chorizo. Time to give Miss Piggy a few drips of my sweet honey. Hold on…something isn’t right here. My spider sense is tingling.

[more canned laughter]

“What did he say Waldorf?”

“Some kind of in-joke”

“More like a non-joke if you ask me”

[Silence…apart from a few crickets]

Suddenly I’m off of bacon. Come to think of it, I think I’m sworn off it for life. This is most off-putting. It’s time to make my apologies and get outta dodge, grab the Necronomicon on my way to the quickest exit, and leave this snorting hell bitch to get herself off. Judging by Kermit’s dismay, I’m sure he’d offer her a hand. It’s time to light the lights.

“We’re going to get you. We’re going to get you. Not another peep. Time to go to sleep”

Why does that sound familiar?

“No you foul wench. I’ll do no such thing”

“Join us”

“Look, I’ve tried to be nice. Hell, for a minute there you almost got some sugar. But you got real ugly”

“You’ll be dead by dawn”

“I’ll take my chances swine. Now allow me to reintroduce you to my boomstick”

[BLAM]

Do I regret my actions? Only a weak man lives with regret. I am Ash. Housewares. Not a pig herder. And certainly no fan of The Muppets. Except for Beaker…he’s actually kind of funny. Not once did I ever receive an invite onto their show despite saving the world from evil, not once, or even twice, but three times already. Elton John was good enough. But did they think of getting me on? Not once. Fuck you Muppets. I don’t ordinarily drop the F-bomb but you lousy punks really yank my chain so, on this occasion, I shall make an exception. Fuck Rowlf, fuck Rizzo and Sam, fuck Animal, fuck the Swedish Chef with his hergy-bergies, fuck Bunsen, fuck Beaker too, find someone else to put up with your meeping, double fuck Statler and Waldorf, cynical old bastards, and fuck Kermit for good measure. But do you know what most of all? Fuck you Miss Piggy. You came pretty close to a spit-roasting back there but I think I’m gonna stay single for now thank you. I’m Ash. Housewares. Some call me the king. Stick around Grueheads, you may just learn something groovy.