Suggested Audio Candy:
The Blapps Posse Bus’ It (Its Time To Get Bzy) (The Final Message)
Recently you may recall that I rustled up my very own superhero. Nothing to it really, you’d be amazed the spare parts you can track down online. All was going swimmingly as my caped crusader took to the skies and reported Bieber sightings fell by an astonishing 50% pretty much overnight. Unfortunately, this sorry little dick squirt still managed to show his face in some stubborn, hard to reach areas but 50% is still progress right? Anyhoots, the world became safe in no time and I had Impervious Man to thank for allowing the elderly to once again sleep easy at night. The problem is, the planet has become incredibly dull since any street urchins were swept away by our law enforcer. No incident or headlines should mean no headache but, sadly, this couldn’t have been farther from the truth. You see, with global security no longer of imminent priority, mankind started to grow complacent. Plummeting recycling rates offered my first clue that something was amiss as there was a worrying upsurge in indifference to the whole green debate. Now I wish to make this abundantly clear. At no point whatsoever did I suggest that my superhero could patch up the ozone layer. He may possess a pair of the much-revered Panties of Penetration but, would you believe, I never packed him a repair kit. Granted, crime rates are at their lowest since Batman’s last wardrobe malfunction, but there is no smoother a criminal than Mother Nature and she soon picks up on such slapdash endeavor.
Considering the whole global warming debate for a further moment, it suddenly became clear where we’re going wrong. Nobody gave a rat’s ass about saving the planet until they had themselves something tangible to rebel against. General consensus appears to be that no threat means no sweat and, only now, is the penny beginning to drop. Should we Homo sapiens continue not to heed warnings, then it will take more than Impervious Man to bail our species out and the repercussions could be cataclysmic. Unwittingly, I had made things worse to to the power of one do-gooding superhero, and there could be only one solution to this quandary. I had to fashion a nemesis fast before seven billion people died smiling and the next race to take up residency pointed their collective finger towards my workshop and screamed “It was him! Get him lads!” As you can see, I was left with precious little choice than to perform the old switcheroonie. How hard could it be? Simply switch the setting to ☠EVIL☠ and job’s a good ‘un or so I thought. You see, I provided my superhero with a ten-item checklist with which to save the world and would now be required to repeat this arduous process for his opposite number. Turns out that supervillains have needs too. This could all end in tears.
So this is where you join me now, back at the drawing board, and about to throw another all-nighter for the purpose of shoring up good and evil once again. My feelings are decidedly mixed as, in my experience, you’re damned if you do and also when you don’t. Whatever happens, I’m the bad guy, even though I’m essentially just following protocol. But I’d rather be that than the guy who stands around doing nothing while we wave goodbye to long hot summers and pack away those espadrilles. If ten items is what it takes to appease the higher forces then ten it shall be. This particular supervillain proposes to be one of the all singing and dancing variety, tooled up to the chrome with all manner of glorious techno gadgetry. Needless to say, this will entail great thought, and I’m banking on no thought whatsoever being deemed sufficient. I can’t just reel off two fistfuls of malevolent powers, then sit on them until the time comes to elucidate their functions. It has to be a more organic process than that as technology waits for no man and, before I know it, any hardware will have become defunct. Thus, to get the ball rolling, I’m going to shake things up some. My superhero was of masculine design and, with opposites attracting so marvellously, my supervillain will be of female origin.
Kool and the Gang Ladies Night
I know what you’re thinking feminists. You’re thinking there is some underlying subtext about all women being inherently evil and I would like to set those racing minds at ease with a matching pair of wisdom nuggets. Firstly, listen to the audio. I quote “This is your night tonight, everything’s gonna be alright” and point you towards the upbeat flavor as this is evidently not the music of surreptitiously suggestive sex crime. It’s disco baby. It’s just fucking disco. A couple of chasers later, we’ll all be out on the dance floor pretending we can dance and banking on our old friend inebriation to throw us a zero hour bone. Why not just get the groove train going now and save ourselves the bar tab later? Secondly, I have to source the blueprints for our supervillain and last time I was made privy to a full bouquet of vein-ridden testicles in full bloom as my superhero slipped on his costume. I’m not putting myself through that again. Who am I kidding? That shit never gets old. Here, try not to raise a grin and don’t even think of passing those smiles off as constipation either. This disco has a restroom remember.
Kid Creole & The Coconuts Don’t Take My Coconuts
You know what they say about simple minds don’t ‘cha? They find Superman’s shy coconuts amusing. Fret not as they tickle me too and, if nothing else, it proves that we’re tuned into the same frequency. Hopefully any nagging concerns have now been dispelled and we can get straight down to the fun part – building us a supervillain dagnabbit. I’m needlessly burning electricity down in my sub-basement workshop and, the whole time we’re upstairs shaking our coconuts, the end of the world is growing perilously nigh. No pressure on our supervillain’s name as we can tie up any loose ends upon completion. For now, let’s just get weird with science and construct this venomous vamp from her ovaries out shall we? Okay, perhaps not ovaries. Tell you what, I shall pick out a suitable prototype and we’ll go from there. I do hope you approve of my selection. Should you be expecting some ropy fishwife, then you really oughta know me better by now. I went top of the range you see. What good is money if you’re not prepared to splash out on your nearest and dearest?
Oingo Boingo Weird Science
I know how this looks. A selfish gift. However, when you think about it, any female supervillain worth her own poisonous perfume range deserves a smattering of sex appeal. She may look frightfully exposed up there but I’ve just had a cunning plan and it involves her very first accessory. Impervious Man likely felt like the shit as he tucked his ball satchel into those Panties of Penetration but his sworn enemy now has hindsight at her disposal and knowledge is indeed power. Catch him with said panties at half mast (as appears to be commonplace) and he is effectively rendered impotent. This need not be the case with our supervillain as she’s built to last from the ground up.
The Oestrogen 500 Exoskeleton
Carl Carlton She’s A Bad Mama Jama
It makes perfect sense when you think about it. I mean, what could be worse than packing her off on primary detail when she’s quite clearly doubled over with cramps? A menstrual cycle waits for no woman and I’m sure she would soon grow weary of carrying around a clutch bag full of panty liners. The Oestrogen 500 Exoskeleton does away with all that woe as it does precisely what is stated on the tin. Should any undesirable testosterone breach her titanium-clad defenses, then her alloy catsuit of armor will release female hormones as a counter-measure, thus keeping her in swimsuits. The ultimate in girl power, this allows her to focus on the task at hand and not the queue for the restroom. There are numerous installable attachments and we shall get to each in turn but The Oestrogen 500 Exoskeleton supplies us one helluva formidable foundation to build upon and I do believe we’re off to a rolling start.
Pantyhose of Persuasion
It can get pretty chilly above the clouds and that never need be an issue for our supervillain thanks to the Pantyhose of Persuasion. At first glance they may appear similar to any other high-street hosiery and are just as effective at tackling unwanted chafing, should she be required to get her sweat on. However, what truly sets them apart from other lingerie on the market is their secondary function. Should an adversary be proving particularly troublesome then they emit tiny little brain waves from the gusset that are undiscernible to the naked eye and can coerce even the most stubborn nonconformist into doing precisely what the wearer wishes. Truly state of the art, the Pantyhose of Persuasion can control up to 100 minions simultaneously at any one time and recently surpassed the Fishnets of Enticement as the number one leading brand. They also tie in beautifully to our next gadget.
Danger is only ever a pussy fart away when bidding for global domination and this attachment can turn the tables in style before returning themselves to sender. Boasting a rangefinder of around 35 yards, the Garterang is ideal as a close-range enforcer and not just because of its aerodynamics either. While it may appear little more than a rather eye-catching narrow band of fabric, the elastic comes fully loaded with parasitic genital lice which are relinquished on impact. Infestation is instant and can prove devastating to pubic regions as these little bastards bite. Rows upon rows of regimented razor-sharp teeth can polish off even the most burly of Bratwurst in no time and are not known for their table manners. Moreover, the Garterang boasts an impressive seven second recharge rate when docked against the Pantyhose of Persuasion. Should you be looking to accessorize, then look no further.
Boom Bust Plunder Bra
Those 34DD’s need never again be a burden as the Boom Bust Plunder Bra eliminates all back pain. However, the benefits are far more than simply medicinal as it is also armed with armor-piercing areola pellets which explode on impact. Whatever the cup size, these battle-hardened boobie blasters should be the very first on your list of bare essentials. Regrettably, those fitted with implants should give the Boom Bust Plunder Bra a considerably wide berth as they have a tendency to self-detonate when exposed to silicone. You ever hear the story of Tits O’Reilly? This already full-bosomed former Playboy Bunny became so obsessed with breast augmentation that she underwent no less than seventeen procedures, by which time her around chest-over-nipple measurement was a staggering 69 inches, one shy of Guinness World Record holder Norma Stitz (I presume the S is silent). To put these whoppers into perspective, here’s Norma now with her prize pumpkins.
I know right? She could have done her hair. Anyhoots, O’Reilly was so incensed by her adversary’s headline stealing antics that she planned to have the bitch snuffed out. Alas, plastic surgery is a costly habit, and there were insufficient remaining funds to take a contract out on her sworn enemy. Thus she decided to take matters into her own hands, acquiring herself the far more economical Boom Bust Plunder Bra, and strapping herself in for combat. 97 New Yorkers died that day. Needless to say, Norma still holds the record. As for poor disillusioned Tits O’Reilly, her ashes scattered themselves.
Pro-Bieber Lip Gloss
A kiss may be just a kiss but, with Pro-Bieber Lip Gloss, the ramifications for puckering up can be tremendous. Any twenty-two-year-olds suffering from arrested sexual development are susceptible to this particular cosmetic and its embrace comes at a cost to global security too immense to even contemplate. We’re talking cloning technology. Currently only one Justin Bieber has been reported and that, in itself, is pushing it. Imagine, if you must, a five-piece R&B outfit named The Biebers. Now take that one step further and picture another scene. You are on a cross-country road trip and forgot to pack your sandwiches. Famished, you pull into the nearest service station and access the McDonald’s drive-thru to grab yourself a quick McRib. As the window slides open and you are greeted by the words “Can I take your Bieber please?”, it all gets real and fast. Impervious Man may come pre-tooled with Anti-Bieber Homing Gauntlets, but even he can’t be everywhere at once. Mark my words, of all our suppervillain’s upgrades, Pro-Bieber Lip Gloss is undoubtedly the most heinous.
The Veil of Volton
No mere exfoliant, this highly advanced mud visor allows our supervillain to camouflage at will. No backdrop is too intricate and invisibility makes for a most fearsome opponent. Unfortunately, side-effects have been reported, and excessive use can lead to bouts of involuntary flatulence. One’s position can be given away in an instant due to the betrayal of buttocks and vegetarians are ill-advised to sport the Veil of Volton. Supervillains are known for possessing one weakness, that being the aroma of their own rectal bouquet. One sniff too many and it’s involuntary redundency. However, when purchased with our next bolt-on, those tyrannical frowns can turn upside down.
Aviation Pro Shower Hat
Even the most fragrant of female supervillains need a good hose-down from time to time and there is nothing more frustrating than waiting around for one’s hair to dry before you can engage in a spot of skullduggery. The sky need never again be the limit as, not only is the Aviation Pro Shower Hat 97% water-resistant and comes in three individual colors, but it also fitted with twin jet boosters that can achieve altitudes of over 5000 ft and shift from 0-60 k/mph in an impressive 1.5 seconds. While this can result in heavy nose bleeds, it’s a great way to evade any rising fart clouds or other suchlike sneak attacks.
The Cloak of Channel Zero
Public Enemy She Watch Channel Zero
Even Impervious Man has his frailties and daytime chat shows happen to be that Kryptonite. This cape comes with a built-in 42″ LCD screen on its reverse and can transmit The Jerry Springer Show from any point around the globe. Should you hear the words “take care of yourself and each other” in your vicinity, then shit is about to go off in style. Once again there are drawbacks and continual use can result in labotomization and eventual paralysis. This can be given away by a blank stare and profuse saliva seepage, leaving its host wide open to incoming flurries. Fortunately this is tempered by the fact that males tend to wilt faster when faced with Sally Jessy Raphael. Used sparingly, the Cloak of Channel Zero is a considerably potent punisher.
Love Potion No.9
Don’t be fooled by the title Grueheads, this is one aphrodisiac that you don’t want to be taking lightly. By consuming said elixir the subject becomes completely irresistible to the opposite sex, making any alphas in the vicinity mere putty in her hands. I’m quite aware that you didn’t pay your money for a rom-com and there’s no time for fine romance in the world of heroes and villains. Thus here comes the kicker and this one is a real mule in season. You may recall as remark I made earlier about the Pro-Bieber Lip Gloss being undoubtedly the most heinous of all our suppervillain’s bolt-ons. Well I just remembered, it ain’t! You see, while Love Potion No. 9 alone is little more than an affable ice-breaker, our final device only has one setting and that is obliterate.
Cash Money & Marvelous Ugly People Be Quiet
So utterly menacing that it can only be written in bold block capitals and with an accompanying exclamation mark, THE MOTHERNATOR! positively bellows retreat as its effects are way beyond calamitous. One self-administered jab from this pocket-sized hypodermic needle and our buxom barbarian morphs into a creature so terrifying that it has been known to cause cardiac arrest in its victims on first sight alone. Gentlemen, have you ever wondered what your wives will look like when they grow older? That’s right, there can be no escaping genetics, and that’s a severe bummer in this case as my supervillain heralds from the planet Zong. My supervillain’s a real looker right? A real head-turner. Well mommy dearest is more adept at provoking stomach revolutions and happens to be the most hideous hag in the solar system. So ugly that even Jabba The Hut pulled out on the third stroke, this is one parental guardian whose many sides are each as bad as the last. The effects wear off after several minutes although that’s more than enough time to become your worst nightmare. Should the heady scent of Love Potion No.9 reel you in, then THE MOTHERNATOR! will soon seal those fates.
Okay, I believe my supervillain is ready to dabble in a spot of treachery. Hold on, I haven’t yet come up with a mantle worthy of such a death-dealing delinquent. Fiddlesticks. I’m all but spent after shopping for parts so inspiration is in decidedly short supply right now. Thus, I name thee Very Worst Nightmare Girl. Unimpressed? Well I’m sure it will grow on you over time. Of course, you know what this means don’t you? Having now catered for both good and evil, it would be downright rude not to chronicle their ultimate skirmish. Until that time comes, Impervious Man may wish to begin looking rather anxiously over his shoulder as he may not care for the bitch slaps coming his way. Let’s see how he is getting along with concocting his battle plan shall we?
Looks like we’re all fucked!
Truly, Really, Clearly, Sincerely,
Keeper of the Crimson Quill
Copyright: Crimson Quill: Savage Vault Enterprises 2016