Crimson Quill’s Appraisal #574
Number of Views: Two
Release Date: February 8, 2016 (Le Grand Rex), February 12, 2016 (United States)
Sub Genre: Sci-Fi/Satire/Love Story
Country of Origin: United States
Running Time: 108 minutes
Director: Tim Miller
Producers: Simon Kinberg, Ryan Reynolds, Lauren Shuler Donner
Screenplay: Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick
Based on Deadpool by Fabian Nicieza & Rob Liefeld
Special Effects: Alex Burdett, Céline Godeau, Christopher Allen Nelson, Geoff Redknap
Visual Effects: Atomic Fiction, BOT VFX, Blur Studio, Digital Domain, Furious FX, Image Engine Design, Luma Pictures, Ollin VFX, Rodeo FX, Weta Digital
Cinematography: Ken Seng
Score: Tom Holkenborg
Editing: Julian Clarke
Studios: 20th Century Fox, Marvel Entertainment, Kinberg Genre, The Donners’ Company, TSG Entertainment
Distributor: 20th Century Fox
Stars: Ryan Reynolds, Morena Baccarin, Ed Skrein, T. J. Miller, Brianna Hildebrand, Stefan Kapičić, Gina Carano, Hugh Scott, Leslie Uggams, Karan Soni, Michael Benyaer, Kyle Cassie, Taylor Hickson, Stan Lee
Suggested Audio Jukebox ♫
 Junkie XL Maximum Effort
 Juice Newton Angel of the Morning
 DMX X Gon’ Give It To Ya
 Teamheadkick Deadpool Rap
I think I’ve got it you know. The tagline…I think I’ve got the tagline. “Are you ready for a film that sucks you in, shines you up, and spits you out 108 minutes later a fucking diamond?” [This is the part where you all say “Uh huh!” and throw in “daddy” if you wish] “Well Deadpool is that movie.” Bear with me, it’s a work in progress. Ryan, school some of that knowledge will you brother.
“From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… me! Deadpool.”
That’s what I was saying. Hold on, what was I saying? Oh yeah that’s right, bad guys! It’s got those too. Come to think of it, Deadpool has a lotta tools in his locker. I guess we should take it from the beginning right? I’m just winging it here folks, they had me booked as the warm-up act, and I had a spot in my calendar so whatcha gonna do? Money don’t make itself right? Last time I checked, you had to put in some legwork around here. Speaking of which, please excuse me a moment.
“You’re probably thinking “This is a superhero movie, but that guy in the suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kebab.” Surprise, this is a different kind of superhero story”
You’re getting our gist now aren’t ‘cha? This is how we rollin’. BLAM! BLAM! MUDDAHFUKKAS!!! Nah, I’m just kidding ‘ya. Focus, eyes on prizes yield the finest surprises remember. So as I was saying before we were rudely interrupted. WHAT NOW? Ryan won’t you please just let me…I got this alright. Go flex those abs or something. You make me sick. Sick enough to lick. Look what you got me saying now. Get out of my head space Deadpool or so help me God.
“Time to make the chimi-fucking-changas!”
Okay, time to level with you. It may not have gone unnoticed that this particular appraisal is perched rather a long way from traditional. Call it the definitive Deadpool experience, if you like, but don’t tell Tim Miller as he may get all possessive. You see, to truly suck the flavor from a gift-wrapped optical candy such as this, you have to toss it about in your cheeks some. Bear with me one moment, bad guys approaching.
“Okay guys, I only have twelve bullets, so you’re all going to have to share!”
I guess I should tell the story from the start right? I know it sucks and we all want to get back to the chop shop but rules are rules aren’t they Ryan? Ryan? I just heard back from Mr. Reynolds and he wanted me to pass on this message. “Look at my shiny baubles!” No that’s not it. “There’s more to me than just an extraordinarily firm derriere”. His words, not mine.
“I’ve played a lot of roles, damsel in distress ain’t one of them”
Now we’ve gone and woken up the missus. Don’t mind her, that’s Vanessa. She’s mine so keep your hands where I can’t see them and we’ll all enjoy the tea party. So about that love stuff huh? Sneaks up on the best of us. If you were thinking we were just passing through, please allow me to recalculate our destination. You see, we can hardly not invite her can we? I mean, look at her.
And yes I have forgiven the whole Woman’s day saga. Have you ever had your prostate examined? Allow me to rephrase. Have you ever had your prostate examined by Morena Baccarin? Here, let me show you what that feels like.
“I didn’t ask to be super, and I’m no hero. But when you find out your worst enemy is after your best girl, the time has come to be a fucking superhero”
I know right? Duty calls and all that. So it turns out that we’re in love, who would’ve thunk it? Long story short, cancer strikes, life flashes before eyes, and this is what I get for all that bleeding heart fluff. Now, cancer is a bitch and its auntie. And not the nice kind that bakes macaroons with smiley faces on them either. The bearded one with breath like anthrax and tits like…well you get the idea.
“Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible… and completely unfuckable”
If you’re gonna rebuild me guys, then please don’t make me have to deliver that line and mean it. Slide on the suit and I’m Al fucking Jarreau. Slip it off and I’m nothing but a jive-talking hemorrhoid. Only the best jive mind. That reminds me, I’m getting that urge again. What does daddy have to do in such scenarios to blow off some steam?
“Daddy needs to express some rage”
If you behave yourselves I might even let you sniff my fingers. So the world is turning to shit, my only friends are some giant mechanical lunk who I’m pretty sure is pure CGI by the way. It’s crazy the shit they can do nowadays. And there’s someone else. Negasonic Teenage Warhead I think her name is.
Actually, she’s nitroglycerin with a cervix and no man shall put that shit asunder. Love that chick. Not in a “I want to ride her into the sunset like Seabiscuit” kind of way. You know, brother sister shit. Legit and shit.
“I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn’t having it. They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he’s just a bad parent.”
If I get sidetracked, then feel free to write me a letter. Which reminds me, have I told you about the big kiss yet? A touch off topic but, when I’m doing all my dashing superhero business, I may ask you to pucker up on occasion. I’ve checked with Vanessa and she’s okay with it. Just a little one-liner, something for your retirement fund. Nothing fancy. Okay, you got me, it is pretty fucking fancy. We’ll zoom in, slow things down, assume focus, then whatever pops into my head plants one directly on your kisser.
“I’m gonna do to your face what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s!”
Are you getting the idea yet? You thought this was gonna be another all singing and dancing Marvel number didn’t you? Have you not been paying attention? Am I speaking in Polish? Maybe all that baby batter has got to your brain. Deadpool doesn’t roll like that. Look at me, even I wanna kiss myself right now. I’m calling dibs by the way.
“Wow, this is such a big house, but I only ever see the two of you here. It’s like the studio didn’t have enough money for any more X-Men… “
So Tim wanted to do something different right? We got a couple of goons in to slap something together on the quick and it turned out to be worth a shot in the dark. No pansy shit. There had to be blood…and suffering…plenty of suffering. But that wasn’t all. If you’re gonna make an omelette right? No shortage of eggs to crack here. Plus we have the chick. Had I mentioned the bartender dude? You’ll love him, may have odds on me croaking but he’s always got my back.
Are you starting to fall in yet? Deadpool has the lot. I think that’s gonna be my tagline you know. “Watch this film as it has the lot.” A little too fast food perhaps? Leave it with me, all that lovey dovey stuff has gone fried my circuitry. Honestly though, how much whipped cream is too much?
It makes being ugly seem acceptable don’t it? Not that I’m okay with being frazzled for some joker’s sick science project mind. Listen, we gotta wrap things up soon. Got three-quarter of a billion dollars to blow on wedding invites. That’s right, I didn’t stutter. You didn’t think I was gonna place my life in jeopardy, be made to resemble a blood blister, put doggy sex on the back burner for 108 minutes, and come away empty-handed did you? Am I Deadpool? No seriously. AM I FUCKING DEADPOOL?
“Shit, did I leave the stove on?”
Anyhoots, enough of me shooting off my mouth. Here’s that other bozo with some parting thoughts. Humor him as he’ll probably try and come across all melancholic and impart some gormless wisdom. Means no harm, just let him rattle on or we’ll never get away.
Thanks Ryan. Fuck it, all that build up and I haven’t got squat. Okay, here goes. Tim Miller’s Deadpool is the cinematic equivalent of having a mule snort coke from your nuts. That is to say it’s rather bloody good. All that rocket-propelled testosterone has to amount to something right? Long as you know where to aim your weapon, you’re good. And don’t forget to take off the safety. I was gonna give it eight out of ten but, then I remembered, eight out of ten is for pussies. Eight out of ten is for guys who aren’t comfortable in their skin. Ironic I know when his junk weeps for all the wrong reasons but whatcha gonna do?
“I’ll take a footlong, fully loaded!”
You see, it takes a real man to accept the role of damsel in distress on occasion. Moreover, he encourages that shit. Equal rights and all that. Granted, he looks the balls…I mean really…tell me he doesn’t look the balls. Here, snapshot time.
“There’s the money shot, baby.”
See? B-A-L-L-S. So allow me to leave you with this little nugget. If it looks like the balls and it smells like the balls then best be treating it like the balls too. Nine out of ten it is then, and I assure you, Ryan hasn’t offered me a courtesy hand job. That’s what sequels are for right?
Crimson Quill’s Judgement: 9/10
Grue Factor: 4/5
For the Grue-Guzzlers & Pelt-Nuzzlers: Me again. Guess what? PG-13 can suck my winter’s bone. I’m Deadpool and that’s how we choosing to roll. What can I say? Kids grow up so fast these days. You think I’m gonna stick around while some other superhero has all the fun? Course not, I’m gonna shake the soda and open up some arteries. And before you say anything, yes Morena Baccarin does flash her cans for us. Call it keeping the troops’ spirits up. However, when I’ve wiped up all these spilt entrails, I’m gonna let her open her real Christmas present and y’all aren’t invited. Okay, maybe the kid with the fire can watch. But that’s it.
“You’re still here? It’s over. Go home! Oh, you’re expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don’t have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go. Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it’s a bit of a secret. In the sequel, we’re gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we’re gonna cast yet but it could be anybody. We just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she’s got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret, ssshhhh. Oh and don’t leave your garbage all lying around. It’s a total dick move. Go. Chicka-chickahhhh”
Keeper of the Crimson Quill
Copyright: Crimson Quill: Savage Vault Enterprises 2016