And So It Begins... An Introduction to Lucie's Angels

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Rob Dougan “Chateau”

Angels may be pushing it some
Indeed, I’ve never before seen three dirtier faces
And needless to say, I have been to some pretty dingy damn places
The trio in question are way less than hospitable
Have no time for airs or for graces
If you’re looking for trouble on the double then how about taking a tipple on triple
As these angels will bat not an eyelid as they make it

Heaven wouldn’t take them
Turned them briskly away and sent them straight to the snake pit
And that is where I came into play
You see, it just so happens I was recruiting that day
And knew they’d do great with hell raising
While the acoustics down here are bloody amazing
There appeared a better place to put these three fallen angels through their paces

Excuse my appalling manners
Haven’t even told you my name yet
It’s Lucifer
But my friends call me Lucie
And I’m the little devil overseeing this operation

No orders being barked
Ain’t nobody got time for all that lark
No harsh ultimatums or decadent death threats
I simply offer my suggestions through their single ear headsets
And if they like what’s being said
Well then I’m guessing you can pretty much guess what comes next

Bloodshed is commonplace and they dominate the marketplace
None slay with such panache
Are in and out in such a flash
Finding fresh and uncommon ways to flay skin from bone
No pissing and moaning or speaking in bitter tones
For the rules of engagement are as clear as they’re bold
And they are proud to undertake such explicit goals

At any rate
What sort of two-bit host would I be
If I passed up the opportunity to introduce each angel formally
Thus I cordially invite you to make up your own minds
and would advise you approach with due caution
As you do not wish to see them disorderly

Up first we have Grey and she is far and away the most vicious young lady you’re ever likely to meet
Better pray she doesn’t see fit to cut this brief encounter short
As she will do so with bare minimum of first or second thought
Would fry in the chair if she ever got caught
But she will never ever get caught

Now Grey has a weapon of choice
Which may seem a somewhat unconventional choice
But she happens to be a somewhat unconventional lady
And you just do not learn her kind of elegance and poise

Hence the eight-pointed antlers of a very special buck bring her luck when some other punk’s fortunes dry up
She will watch you intently as her eyes burn straight through you
May well decide to get off before she sticks it to you
No end to her invention as there are a wealth of undignified ends not yet invented that will be once she’s through with you

Next up is Irene and I really must come clean
This Nordic berserker is no less obscene
She and Grey have a great deal of history together as tends to be the case for a pair separated at the tether way back at birth
No papers to support this as the infirmary burned down to the ground long before such could be requested
But the thing about twins is that they’re always connected
And side by side you may be wise to provide these two a decidedly wide berth

Don’t be fooled by her fondness for unicorns either
As she will give you the horn and then twist it inside you
A single alicorn from this mythical creature
Is all she requires to convert your gaping wide throat into a water feature
And while you gargle your last
She’ll make sure it’s your last
By speed reversing over your face with her scooter

Don’t even think of asking for the lowdown on showdown assassin Freckles
As she may be part crippled but her needs ain’t that special
Did I just say that out loud?
I really am a devil
But then, that happens to be the thing about our third angel Freckles

You see, she welcomes the heckles as she don’t give two rat craps
Besides, we’ve got ramps down in hell and her fury red chariot is like a motorized death trap
Powered by an industrial lawnmower blade
Her steel wheels can shift some I tell you

And as for preferred armory
Well she is spoiled for choice here as she makes her selection based on whatever she spots that’s most gnarly
I once watched her prune a baboon with hedge cutters and that one was quite some finale
But don’t think for a second that she is comic relief
As she will make a pearl white necklace from your teeth

Now that we’ve all become better acquainted
What say we tag along while Lucie’s Angels get creative?
This triage of terror have some tricks up their sleeves
And just so we’re crystalline clear
Not a solitary one of them is even halfway saintly
I predict a riot on the nearby horizon
What with three sets of eyes on the most ghastly of prizes
So what do you say my little seraphs?
Shall we go get some?