Malice in Wonderland




 Title art by Richard Biffle. Click image to visit his studio.



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Chris Vrenna, Jason Tai, and Marshall Crutcher “Alice: Madness Returns”





Off with his head!

Barked disgruntled Red Queen
Her meanness was chronic
Her logic obscene
Her chamber fell silent as all within gasped
This wouldn’t be first and would neither be last
For these executions had seen resolution and keen elocution made cute each decree that she passed
To which degree predictably depended on the victory
For she would not extend a plea to those who chose to quip with she
This wonky smile hung upside down
With jury out to lunch
All donkey work beneath her
Every time she ominously grew that hunch


Off with his head!

Better that than donkey punch instead

Said The Mad Hatter as the tea party he’d parted with no longer mattered half of quite so much
Maybe she was just off-color
On her time of month
Either way, procedure stated time was going crunch
If only the Hare had declared he was late
Then maybe, just maybe he’d know to persuade her the jam tarts he’d traded were faded when baked
More the color of pink lemonade than scarlet fever
Eager was the beaver playing meager wide receiver
When these moreish little bleeders were prepared


Off with his head!

It was then The Mad Hatter shared platter of facts that he actually needn’t have shared

I fear that some wind just departed my arse
Would you mind terribly if I pass on the axe
Took a laxative at one and I may well come undone
In event of any imminent subtraction
Besides, I lied to Alice of the leaves in her tea
And they should be kicking in around a quarter to three
Hope to court some madness as I’m practically off rocker
Now please, her majesty
Need you proceed to be cock blocker


The Cheshire Cat grinned
For he knew well implications
Had bailed the Hatter out last time he chose to break probation
Granted, Alice was a little sluttier than most
But only one side feels the glide when buttering one’s toast
Playing host to STDs was down to Tweedles Dum and Dee
For everyone in Wonderland had plundered their menageries


Off with his head!

It appeared he’d made things worse
For, if one thing made the Red Queen scream
Then that would be unforeseen outbursts
No matter how keenly the Hatter had made his address
The fact of the matter was fiction and not one thing less
Granted, Alice was a little sluttier than most
But jam tarts don’t just eat themselves
At least, that is, unless Red Queen herself butters the toast
So to speak


Things looked bleak for the Hatter
As both breakfast and brunch promptly scattered in his pants
Without the vaguest hint of romance, it has to be said
Last time he had checked
He held in his possession just a solitary head upon the scarf around the neck
With X to mark the spot
He just seemed destined for the chop
Although the bellhop had been scheduled in for ten to four o’clock
It was then that his pocket watch stopped ticking
Which was a little frustrating as the mystery tea leaves were feverishly getting set to kick in
Could it be the Red Queen had proceeded to lose interest
Invest her rage into the Knave and pray on him instead
On another day perhaps
When menstrual cramps weren’t amplified by overkeen desire to be exceedingly mean and bloody spiteful
In a tone no less than frightful
The Queen then saw red
And, in a curdled scream declared

Off with his head!






Richard Charles Stevens


Keeper of The Crimson Quill




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