Suggested Audio Candy:
 Enya “Boadicea”
 The Cure “The Love Cats”
I’m starting to wonder whether moving here was such a good idea in the first place. It’s never easy uprooting from everything you have come to know for the past twelve months but that is exactly what has been necessitated. Just as I’m beginning to settle, we’re off again; never sticking to one spot for more than a few weeks at a time. It’s exhausting, but mom says there is no other way so I tow the line just to keep her content. You see, recently she has fallen foul of ill-health and it is becoming increasingly hard for her to complete even the simplest task without coming over all unnecessary. As her only beloved son, it is my responsibility to make sure mother is comfortable and stress-free but it is increasingly hard when I know such precious little about whether I’m coming or going. It distracts me from my studies; I’m twenty freaking eight and still in tenth grade if you need any further clues as to how disruptive this wanderlust is proving. I’ve even heard cruel jibes about me only flunking to stay close to all the known virgins in our school so I go home after third period and bang mom senseless, just to prove them all wrong.
I apologize if I am coming across as somewhat lacking in scruples; I can assure you that I’m not some kind of deranged reprobate. Far from it; I merely respect my mother’s wishes. She aches you see; sometimes the pain is unbearable and the only thing that I can do to alleviate her discomfort is to give her a gentle all-over rub with baby oil. I’m as thorough as she requests, after all, if her own son can’t help de-stress her then you else will? We barely stop anywhere long enough for her to get on first-name basis with folk and she spends her days at home with only a few stray cats from the neighborhood as company. Norman Bates would understand; three days away from home and his poor mother’s hair would become woefully knotted. When you are the man of the house it is time to step up to the mark and supply your own flesh and blood’s demands. I do my best; she deserves as much after suffering childbirth just to give me oxygen. We stick together; it’s what our kind do.
I guess, since we’re having this tête-à-tête about my private affairs, that I should elaborate a little further on what “our kind” actually means. We’re a little offbeat for sure; not what I would call your average American citizens. You see, we possess certain quirks that set us apart from the Joneses; the only way in which we can continue cohabiting the Earth is by draining the lifeforce from young supple female virgins. Once that hymen has been obliterated, so have our chances of receiving the nutrients we so desperately need to continue. As mom spends most of her time laid out on her back, stop that sniggering, it’s left to me to keep reeling in the little fishes. If I should throw a hissy fit and refuse point-blank, then we starve for the day. It’s that simple. Every place we move the same shit happens; just as it’s starting to feel like home, people pass judgement and we’re back on the road before I can stop my head from spinning. God, it’s tiresome. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could be like any other twenty-eight year old teenager.
Mom’s chronic fatigue has gotten worse the past couple of days and it’s starting to worry me. She constantly looks weather-beaten and, today, hasn’t so much as moved from the couch other than to shoo away a couple of glaring moggies. I see the way they look at us; it’s all “we know your secret y’know.” Well I have news for you impertinent pussies, you ain’t muscling us out of this place. I’ve started to settle and met a delightful young lady by the name of Tanya; so the last thing I need is judgmental disdain from the local alley cats. Guess what? That dish of milk I leave on the porch before bedtime every night is laced with a not-so-mild laxative; while you’re outside in the cold night shitting through the eye of a needle, I’m in the warm giving mom that gentle foot rub she asked for earlier. She even lets me use my groin so as to free my hands up for doing my homework assignments. Everyone wins as she gets her feet moisturized in the process.
No girl has a chance of measuring up. Tanya is as cute as a button and has a smile like a refreshing glass of freshly squeezed lemonade on a hot summer’s day, but she’s deluded if she thinks she can come between mother and son, especially when we need her lifeforce to remain in existence. Sure, we seem to have a lot in common, and I would be lying if I said that kissing her wasn’t rather high-up on my to-do-list, but ultimately she’ll just end up like all the others. Thank you for taking my virginity, it’s been burdening me for years. Now I’m off to find someone packing a little more heft in their gym shorts as practice makes perfect. Ta-ta. Mom’s warned me about girls like that; she calls them smiling sirens and I’m inclined to agree. Admittedly she does get a little jealous from time to time but she knows the reality; if I don’t do this then our rations will deplete and it’s back on the road again. I’m taking it for the team.
Those felines are really beginning to irk my chain. It makes me wonder whether they have homes to go to as all they do is slink about the back garden with smug looks on their faces. If they think they can throw a spanner in the works then they’re sorely mistaken; it’s gonna take a lot more than Top Cat and chums throwing daggers around the front yard to turf us out before we have done what we came here to do. Tanya is coming over tonight to meet mother and I want everything to be perfect. I know they’ll hit it off when they get to looking through the family album; the PG-13 version of course, not ready to break that one to my new girlfriend just yet. Come to think of it; they actually share a number of similarities. What is it they say? You invariably end up marrying your mother. It was actually crucial in my selection process as, despite her shortcomings, my mom is a wonderful lady. Folk just see one side of her; they’re all “Ugh she just sucked out my daughter’s soul and feasted upon it” and I’m like “Whatever! You don’t see how attentive she is behind close doors.”
I’m a little perplexed by the constant visitation of local law enforcement officers. I have been keeping a look out for Tanya’s arrival and there’s two marked vehicles loitering with intent over by the maple tree. It seems there has been a little shit-talking going on and certain residents feel threatened by our even being here. Mom has some delightful corn on the cob which she prepared for my big night so maybe I’ll take some over just to let them know that I know that they know. I’m not fazed by their badges; hell I’ve already had to deal with one authoritarian punk throwing his weight around today in the guise of my college professor and I taught him in no uncertain terms to keep his meddling hands out of our business. Ultimately that’s what it boils down to; this is OUR business. I don’t see any of these deputies coming in here and offering to be my step dad; they’re all talk if you ask me. How very dare they form judgements on our character when they hardly know how to fire up their sirens? Just speaking about it got me all riled up and I have begun to sweat profusely from my brow. Thankfully mom is on-hand to lick it off. Bizarrely enough she seems to sweat more between her legs. Now be honest, do I have any milk on my top lip? Don’t want to put out a bad first impression.
There she is now; ten minutes late as is customary. I hear mother tutting, “this just won’t do Charles” she rants but I know she will fall in love with Tanya the moment she walks in. I’ve got it all planned; we shall sit down for a nice family dinner, make small talk, wash up the dishes, then retire to my bed quarters for a little alone time. I’ll be gentle and attentive until which time as I can visibly see cotton white panties at half mast. Then it will become business as usual. I try not to get too attached as it’s the same outcome every time; but it can become hard when you get to know the girls a little better. She’s sweet, innocent, and smells like blooming elderberries so it’s only natural for me to become a little infatuated. It won’t dissuade me from siphoning her soul through a crazy straw but it does make for something of a bittersweet affair. Right, the last dish is now back in the cupboard; it’s time to do the deed. Don’t worry; I like folk watching. You can stay right here.
“I like you Tanya”
“Aw. I like you too Charles. You’re so sweet”
“Sweet? I can assure you it’s not all sweetness. Beneath my mild-mannered exterior lays a ravenous beast you know”
“Really? Me too”
“Yeah I may look innocent but, since my last boyfriend Rory taught me how to suck cock I’ve just been rampant. Think I may be a nymphomaniac you know”
“You mean…you’re not…a virgin?”
“Well that depends”
“On whether in the ass counts”
Abort. Abort. I didn’t know what else to do; I couldn’t just kill her for the sake of it and she just won’t do, being spoiled goods and all. Thus, I took it upon myself to allow the bird to fly free; she climbed down the trellis with her panties at her knees as it seemed like a waste of a perfectly good erection. Problem is… mom. What am I going to tell her? She’s looking more withered by the day and this may be the thing that sends her over the edge. Looks like it’s time to pack that suitcase again; damn I hope that soon we get to settle in one place for a change. I blame those shitty cats you know. And Rory; I’m off to find that dickweed right now and give him a pounding he won’t forget in a hurry. Coming mom! I’ve got to go; she gets really cranky if I waste her bath water.