Suggested Audio Candy:

 

[1] Louis Prima “I Wan’Na Be Like You”

[2] Mickie Yoshino “Monkey Magic”

 

Monkeys are the absolute shit! Let’s just get that out in the open from the offset shall we? I wish it to be stated that, of all God’s little creatures, it is this particular primate which fascinates me most. My reasons for this choice are multiple and I wish to share with you fine people what it is about monkeys which give them such an exclusive place in my heart. As humans we often regard ourselves as the most advanced of all mammals and this way well be the case but we are only one link away on the evolutionary scale from our good friend, the monkey. Some of us even go as far as to resemble them. Over the years I have been exposed to many a gibbon and, without exception, they have always impressed me. Thus I have decided to elaborate further and explain in a little more depth what the monkey means to me.

Those you know me well often remark on me being something of a little monkey. I frequently engage in their business and have even been known to swing from time to time so I’m proud to display a number of their characteristics. I learned these from a tender age and it all started with The Jungle Book. When little Mowgli first woke up surrounded by doting wildlife; it could so easily have all turned awry. In different circumstances he may well have been air-lifted off by a kestrel and picked apart limb from limb for its offspring back at the nest. However, no harm fell upon the infant whatsoever and instead he was reared by nature’s finest as one of their own. While bears taught him all he needed to know about wiping his ass on a tree; it was Louie who donated the most priceless advice. How to dance; Mowgli would never get far in life without first being able to shake a tail feather and it was the self-crowned king of the swingers who proved his standing as the jungle VIP. He also found time to enlighten the boy on the art of moving from bough to bough swiftly and efficiently. Consequently our little fledgling monkey in-training led a full and contented existence.

For every Platoon there’s a Full Metal Jacket and it wasn’t long before Mowgli’s lifestyle choice lured another young buck into the undergrowth. Tarzan just couldn’t help himself; the allure of being his own boss was too majestic to deny and he too decided to rough it with the animals. Puberty came and passed and, before he knew it, Tarzan was a fully fledged and tooled young adult with time on his hands. Enter Jane and I’m assured this would’ve been his first consideration when presented with such a delicious hot-pot to stir his sauce into. She wasn’t interested in other men in her party as they all seemed little more than date rapists and would invariably end up trading her in for a younger model when they’d had their fill. Not Tarzan; he knew exactly what he wanted and, moreover, was aware of how to get it. Everyone listened to him when he had a point to make and he commanded respect from his peers. From sky-soaring birds of prey to lowly pond scum; they all marched to his beat. Ultimately, mankind learned a valuable lesson. You can take a monkey man from the jungle but you can’t take the jungle from the monkey man. Any attempt to rationalize Tarzan ended up in tears and he was last seen bashing Jane’s paddock doors in against the tallest oak in the wood. Let’s not forget the bears as she too now knows how to wipe her ass. Other than that; it’s monkeys all the way for Jane.

Before much time had passed; folk began to cotton on to the inimitable power of the monkey and they bagged themselves their very own planet. Here they could build an empire free of all the hangers-on they’d shared a branch with in the jungle. Mankind had had its chance by this point and soundly squandered it; leaving apes to pick up the pieces. They did and they would’ve got away with it too had it not been for Charlton Heston. You didn’t see snakes stepping up to the mark when Earth was faltering; how could they without any discernible vertebrae? If they had attempted such then the economy would have seen a downturn and the population become culpable of spending every day on their bellies hissing at one another. Could they ride thoroughbred stallions and wield spears? Negative. Fuck snakes; at best they could run a colony without major hitch but not an entire planet.

In the middle east; people started to wise up to the exclusive benefits of being gibbons. Monkey Magic at least showed willing. In truth, the Monkey of the title, was little more than a disillusioned man with lamb chops who traveled from A to B on a second-rate vapor cloud. But while women found Piggsy repugnant and weren’t sure of Sandy’s orientation, they all wanted a piece of what Monkey was packing behind his battle cloth. He showed his commitment to the cause by ushering Buddha around and keeping harm’s way at arm’s reach. Even Buddha hadn’t been enlightened as to whether a man or a woman but it didn’t matter to Monkey; he did what he did for a simple hand job and no questions asked. Buddha wins; Monkey wins; everybody wins. Sandy likes to watch and for Piggsy it’s all about sloppy seconds.

King Kong endured a torrid time as once again mankind attempted to throw a spanner in the works and prevent the course of true love. He only had eyes for Ann and what’s more she reciprocated his advances after he melted her heart with his softly approach. Their love was true and unbreakable but also somewhat tragic. Any attempt at coitus would likely end up with cataclysmic repercussions thus consummating their relationship was never on the table but this mattered not as Kong just liked having his knuckle spooned. While love’s young dream was building its head of steam; the national guard were called and the affectionate ape chastised for being a tad clumsy when shopping for an engagement ring downtown. Things escalated and, before too long, a widow was born. She never remarried and, after an ill-advised stint as a call girl in Brooklyn, died an old spinster in a dilapidated shack on the outskirts of Buffalo. True love is not something to be trifled with. Monkeys were taking notes at this point.

They were stiffed again in Project X and, wouldn’t you know it, humans had a hand in their shameful treatment. Matthew Broderick and Helen Hunt were skeptical about their proposed first space expedition but Bluebeard was just grateful for the opportunity. He may not have been so trusting had he been aware of what Jeff Goldblum was up to at that precise moment downtown. He was of the opinion that one must break a few eggs when preparing a wholesome omelet and volunteered his gibbon for primary testing of relocation pod number one. Brundle deserved everything he had coming if you ask me and Bluebeard’s denouement was even more heartbreaking. Instead of being churned into ape silage he was simply frozen by malignant rays while seated at the controls of his authentic space cruiser. Those fucking kids at Space Camp got all the laughs while the primate’s glazed eyes told a very different story. Why? They simply pleaded why? I wish I could have given a definitive answer.

Monkeys were up in arms about being shafted on so many levels and negotiated a deal with the wicked witch of the west to wipe out the residents of the amusingly named Winkie country. These winged henchmonkeys were carefree for the most part but also somewhat mischievous. When push came to shove the sinful sorceress let her lovelies fly and she may well have done Dorothy a favor in the process. You see, Dorothy was young and impressionable and, moreover, travelling with a tin man without a heart. Should he short-circuit then the cowardly lion would likely run away screaming while you can never trust a scarecrow as they are little more than voyeurs. It would have ended in teenage pregnancy had it not been for those flying monkeys whisking her away. As per usual; everyone jumped to conclusions and monkeys once again landed themselves in the dock. However, the revolution had now been televised and apes started to take the power back.

Clint Eastwood shared top billing with Clyde and, while he was busy polishing his Smith & Wesson, the orangutan was throwing his weight around and showing who was really boss. Meanwhile, in Monkey Shines, Ella made life a living hell for her quadriplegic owner and it was no less than he deserved if you ask me. Ella fetch my slippers. This coffee isn’t sugared Ella. I just soiled myself, Ella would you be a dear? Grip it with both hands Ella, don’t just tickle it. Enough was enough and the tide was about to turn. Gorillas were no longer content with lurking in the mist and, when the Sumatran Rat-Monkey from Skull Island spread its foul disease in Dead Alive and turned an entire community into ravenous sex-starved zombies, that monkey from Outbreak started rubbing his hands together in impish glee.

As a civilization we brought this on ourselves. Through constantly treating them with contempt and generally belittling them, we have portrayed ourselves in a rather bad light. We are one link of the chain away and share much of their DNA. Unleash the flying monkeys; let those lovelies spread their wings and devolve with Keeper. If I visit a zoo do I stand transfixed before the snake’s enclosure? No, I’m with the monkeys every time. Now Jane, why don’t you wiggle those child-bearing hips over here and come spank my monkey before I get Clyde to give you a wet slap.

Click here to read Richard vs. The Chimp