Suggested Audio Jukebox ♬
 Black Oak Arkansas “Big Titties (I Want A Woman With)”
 The Black Eyed Peas “My Humps”
 Jorge Méndez “Cold”
 Shaun Bartlett “Shrink The City To A Light”
 AC/DC “Whole Lotta Rosie”
“I have the most tremendous breasts”
“I got it done. Finally put my money where my mouth is and went for it”
“I would but my tits are too heavy to carry that far”
“You actually did it?”
Uh huh. Last Wednesday. I’m now the proud owner of a pair of voluptuous bosoms”
“and so begins the back pain”
“You’re just jealous”
“I haven’t even seen them yet”
“They’re like a couple of prize-winning pumpkins. So, you coming over for a fondle or not?”
“Not I’m afraid”
“Look, I’m sure your new tits are marvelous and more power to you for actually getting them done. While I’m sure your thrilled to have upgraded from dachshund ears to fully loaded fun bags, I’ve got a ton of work to do as I’ve got a presentation at 7am”
“Use that time honey. Get acquainted with them, give them names, flash them at some passing traffic. But I have to get this done”
“We’re going clubbing this weekend Melissa. No excuses. And I want to borrow your red boob tube”
“Fine. Sounds like a plan. I’ll make sure I get my legs waxed”
“No excuses remember. I’ve just got the bandages off and they’re like zeppelins. I can’t wait to see guys’ faces when they cop a load of these babies. Honestly it was worth every last bit of pain”
“You sound happy and if you’re happy then I am too”
“Saturday then right?”
“Saturday. Give me a call Friday night and we’ll plan our outfits”
“One more thing before you go. I’ve got bigger tits than you now”
“That’s swell. But I like mine under my armpits when I sunbathe thanks. We’ll see how you feel after a month of carrying them around like medicine balls”
“I’ll still love them”
“You always were a sucker for punishment. I’m pleased for you, truly. Now I’d better drag my saggy breasts back to this presentation before I lose my job. Unlike you, a waitress gig at Hooters isn’t an option”
“Speak to you Friday”
Angela was beyond thrilled with her new acquisitions. She had never before been satisfied with her breasts; while all the other girls in her gym class were fast developing, she always looked like she was smuggling roadkill in her blouse. To add to her mortification, when a growth spurt finally decided to arrive, her left one grew a little more leaving her with a visibly lopsided rack. She was always reasonably attractive but the currency for teenage boys seemed to be tits and she couldn’t help feeling short-changed in that department. One moment stayed with her from an early sexual experience. Her then boyfriend had been coming on strong for weeks and was growing ever more irritable by her refusal to take the next step. He wore her down until which point as she decided to lower her guard and then, as he fumbled with her bra strap like an excitable toddler and finally managed to unfasten it, he made no attempt to mask his bemusement. This knocked her confidence massively, especially in light of the fact that he dumped her three days later and ended up dating Clarissa Johnson, the one girl Angela couldn’t stand most and proud owner of the largest breasts in school.
It had taken six months for her to save the necessary funds for surgery and she considered this the best $10k she had ever spent. They still felt tender to the touch and any scar tissue wouldn’t heal for some time yet but she had waited so long for this that she simply couldn’t wait to take them out on the town and show them off. This would make all the difference as far as she was concerned; they had caught up with the rest of her body and she had no complaints about that as she was comfortably size ten with legs to die for. Now she had matching bosoms.
The full-length mirror in her bedroom had always been woefully underused until now. Suddenly it had become her favorite pastime to stand before it, marveling at her new shape. The surgeon had come highly recommended despite the fact that he had been struck off the medical list years earlier and practiced without a license. Lack of funds ensured that she took this cut-price option and, to his credit, he had crafted them with perfect symmetry. Melissa had warned her against taking the budget option so she decided to keep it close to her chest when it came time for her procedure as she had no intention of being talked out of it. She still wasn’t entirely content; her ribs jutted out and her little toes were so insignificant that neither had any discernible nail to polish but these weren’t deal breakers in her mind. This was as close to body beautiful as she had come and she planned to work it.
“So come on then. Let’s see them”
Melissa had barely got her foot in the door before the demands started and this suited Angela just fine. With no need for arm-twisting, she hoisted up her sweater and revealed her shop-bought chest.
“Cop a load of these beauties”
“Holy shit Angela. Look at you!”
“You’re not kidding. They are spectacular. Let me have a feel”
“Be my guest”
Angela pushed out her chest and Melissa grabbed two appreciative handfuls and began to weigh them up.
“Careful, they’re still a little tender”
“I can see scarring around your nipples but that seems to be it”
“There’s a long one under each breast but they’re healing pretty well”
Melissa gently lifted them to take a further look at the surgeon’s handiwork.
“Looks like we’ve got some celebrating to do. I’ve got the tequila. Let’s get fucked up”
“Last chance of a grope before I put them these weapons of mass destruction back in their holster”
“Go on then. You’ve persuaded me”
Melissa gave them one more playful squeeze and the beam across Angela’s face ripened. For an attractive woman of twenty-four her longest relationship had been three months and she was convinced this was on account of her measly chest bags. Now that she felt as though the playing field had been evened up some, she was hell-bent on making up for lost time and bagging herself a keeper.
“You look like a new person”
“I feel like one. You of all people know how unconfident I was. It doesn’t matter what anybody says, men always look at your tits first”
“Mark’s more of an ass guy himself”
“That’s because he’s in denial. I’m telling you Melissa, his mannerisms are worrying”
“Nah he’s just comfortable in his skin”
“That may be but it’s the fact he’d be most comfortable in the skin of a Soho rent boy that concerns me”
“Look at you. A few days with fresh tits and you’re suddenly you’re the Dalai Lama”
“Sorry hun. But they’re just so awesome. I’ve never felt like this before. It’s like some kind of cruel curse has been lifted or something”
“Well I guess you’d better try this on for size”
Melissa handed Angela the boob tube.
“Don’t go stretching it”
“I can’t guarantee that sweetheart”
“It’s yours. I’ve got five more where that came from. Call it my boob-warming gift. So have you named them yet?”
“Have I fuck. The left one’s pinky and the right perky. Together they form the irrepressible tittie twins”
“Nice. I guess we’d better give them a night to remember”
“They’re so ready”
“Get that on and grab the shot glasses. I gotta pee”
Angela couldn’t resist one last affectionate glance in her mirror as she slid Pinky and Perky behind Lycra and tucked them in. By the time the toilet flushed and Melissa came to claim her drink, she still hadn’t given the shot glasses a second thought.
“They’ll still be there later you know”
“I Know. But just look at them”
“I have done twice already and I’m guessing I will have numerous more times before the night is out. But they’re just tits”
In Angela’s mind they were so much more than just tits. They were her passport to happiness, reason not to dim the lights during sex, and cause to never again wear a baggy sweater. They were everything.
As prophecized, the date rapists came flocking the very moment Angela’s tits fell under the fluorescent rays. In a classic pincer movement they began to lurk around the side of the dance floor with intent and Melissa couldn’t have been farther from their crosshairs. This represented a whole new dilemma for Angela who had paled into insignificance up until now on nights out. She was the end of the evening silage; the if all else fails chick. Not tonight. Tonight she was first port of call and she found herself with the pick of the crop. Melissa wasn’t fussed. Alright Melissa was a little perturbed. But she had Mark at home and knew how much it meant to her friend to feel wanted so played along.
“What about him?”
She pointed to a dashing suitor to Angela’s left, loitering in the shadows.
“He’s alright. Look at the brogues though”
“Oh shit. You’re right. They’re hideous. How did he even get in with those on?”
“No I’ve got my beady eye at twelve o’clock. Don’t make it obvious, he’s the guy directly behind you with the ugly friend”
“An ugly friend is always a bonus”
“This one has too many teeth for his face. Looks like a grand piano that has been dropped down a staircase”
Melissa snorted with laughter and discreetly repositioned herself to afford her vantage.
“Shit girl. You weren’t kidding”
“I know right? I almost feel bad for the poor sap. But in his defense he looks happy”
“I disagree wholeheartedly. Look again, it’s a grimace. He’s crying behind the eyes”
“We’re going straight to hell”
“You’re right about his friend though. I would tap that shit fo sho”
“Shall I give him a smile?”
“You go girl. I’ll even make small talk with gnashers for you. How’s that? The things I do for you”‘
Melissa was only too happy to take one for the team as she had never seen Angela so outwardly happy. Once eye contact was achieved and maintained, the two guys began to shuffle over and games commenced.
Things were going according to plan. The girls hadn’t been required to buy a single drink all evening and Gino and Herbert had gladly footed the bill. Herbert, whose name seemed almost cruel given the fact that his face resembled an overloaded suitcase, was still hopeful of a result on account of Melissa’s outrageous flirting; while handsome Italian-American Gino was attempting to play it cool and failing miserably. Every time Angela took a sip of her drink, she caught him gawking and this suited her down to the ground. Herbert and Melissa were currently queuing for the cloakroom and this bought them time alone to take things to the next level.
“My uncle is out-of-town on business at the moment and he’s left me the keys to his condo. He’s got a hot tub. You game?”
“Where is it?”
“No more than ten minutes from here. It’s heated”
This was Angela’s lucky evening. What better way to seal the deal than to show off her new prized assets in a skimpy bikini top?
“Sounds like fun. You wouldn’t be taking advantage now would you? Two innocent girls, too much Tequila to measure, and a jacuzzi thrown in may well equate to gang bang to some guys but that’s not going to happen. Just saying”
“Are you shitting me? Have you seen Herbert? I ain’t letting those teeth within a ten-mile radius of my junk”
“I’m glad you’ve addressed the elephant in the room. What’s the story there anyway?”
“His braces broke, probably under such intense pressure, and he never got them replaced”
“Has he ever had a girlfriend?”
“There was this one girl. A blind chick named Sue. Things were going well until she learned braille”
“Got me all sussed out huh?”
“Not quite just yet but I like a dash of mystery in my men”
“I’m Sicilian so I can promise plenty of that”
“Consider yourself something of a thoroughbred stallion I’m guessing?”
“Play your cards right and you may just find out”
“Play your cards right and I’ll show you my double joints”
Angela would ordinarily never dream of being so forward-speaking but she suspected Gino’s mama to be some busty Italian cannelloni queen with enough loose skin hanging beneath her arms to fashion a patchwork quilt and most probably sporting a mustache to rival Mario. He likely breast-fed until adolescence; titties were clearly his numero uno as he made no secret of. It felt fantastic to shoot from the hip rather than being fixated with guiding attention away from her push-up bra and its chicken fillet filling. The difference now was that Angela had two bargaining tools and all-over confidence was proving so deliciously moreish.
“Look at your friend’s body language. You think she could get any less interested”
“Poor Herbert. Who’s going to break it to him?”
“He knows. Don’t worry about Herbert. He’s just glad of the conversation”
“But she’s not even looking at him when she answers his questions. I feel awful for him”
“The real irony is that he has a big dick”
“Of course he does. God couldn’t be so heartless”
“Seems a bit harsh to me. What’s the point of owning a shiny new Cadillac if nobody’s ever going to test drive it?”
“Well Melissa likes a man with endowment so maybe the hot tub will turn things in his favor”
“Listen to us. We sound so shallow”
“Angela. Let’s be honest. We live in a world where the perfect body is uppermost right?”
“Yeah we do. Don’t I know it”
“I’m not going to lie. There are certain criteria when selecting a potential mate. It’s all about ticks and crosses. That’s not chauvinism before you say anything. It’s the same for girls too”
“I wholly agree”
Angela couldn’t help but feel a little smug as Gino wasn’t even making any attempt to conceal his fervor for her admirable rack and she knew she had her bases covered there.
“Here they come. Shall we?”
“To the hot tub sir”
“To the hot tub”
Angela was relieved for the wake-up call as she hadn’t been up before midday all week and had just had a rather unnerving dream whereby her new breasts exploded in a speeding elevator. After wiping both eyes and letting out a vague stretch; she answered the phone by her bedside, and settled back in beneath the sheets.
“What happened? It’s been almost a week and I haven’t heard a peep from you. Spill”
“I slept with him if that’s what you’re getting at”
“Well praise the lord. Things are finally looking up. He was put together by the Gods. I have to come clean, I couldn’t resist a look when he climbed in and you bagged yourself an Adonis girl. Speaking of surprises, did you see Herbert’s speedos? They looked like they were going to ping off at any given moment. You think he had a gym sock down there?”
“Shame. That’s some waste. I just couldn’t. That first kiss would be like pouting at a trash compactor. Big cock or no big cock, the negatives outweighed the positives there. So…Gino?”
“So Gino what? He said he would call on Sunday and didn’t. It’s now Thursday and I’m pretty sure I’ve been had”
“No way. But he was all over you”
“Guess I didn’t fit his criteria”
“Well I think he needs his head read. Fuck Gino and fuck Mr Rossi too for his overpriced cornets. Come to think of it, fuck Pavarotti and fuck Italian pizza too. Fuck it, Fuck the whole country…apart from Chihualy. He’s admittedly a genius”
“For what. Cheering you up? Pfft. That’s how I roll. You should know that by now. Listen to me very carefully. With those tits you could stop world hunger. There will be a thousand other Ginos”
“Actually that isn’t all that encouraging”
“You just need to find someone who likes you for you. Perfectly spherical breasts will help you no doubt but ultimately you have to be yourself and that will be enough for the right person”
“I just thought I would have met someone by now. You’re alright, you’ve been with Mark since high school”
“Honey, Mark ain’t no picnic. Five days ago I was considering infidelity with a man with more teeth than face”
“I don’t know. I’m just a bit deflated”
“Then get your sorry ass out of bed and come meet me at Rosellini’s for lunch. Don’t give that loser a second thought. He’s the one missing out not you. Dime a dozen”
“You got me. Thanks for the pep talk”
“Again. That’s how I roll”
Angela replaced the receiver and promptly deleted Gino from her cell. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of having won, as far as she was concerned, he was yesterday’s news now. She was disgusted at herself for wallowing in self-pity all week and ready to chalk it down to experience and turn the wheel of fortune once more.
“Herbert the great. What you up to?”
“I’ve done it”
“I’ve had my teeth straightened”
“Were they wonky? I hadn’t noticed”
“Fuck you and don’t you dare make me laugh as they had to break my jaw and it still smarts. So what about you and that Angela chick?”
“I nailed it”
“Of course you did. You seemed to be getting on famously”
“I know that meh. You’ve lost interest already haven’t you?”
“You know me. I’m looking for the perfect woman and one day I will find her”
“So what was wrong with this one then? She was drop dead sexy and seemed like a lot of fun”
“She was. We actually really hit it off”
“I could see. So?”
“So there were a couple of things which unsweetened the deal”
“Sounds ominous. Go on”
“Under the right light she was fucking knockout. But she insisted on having them on and this revealed a couple of glaring inconsistencies”
“She had a dick?”
“No dick. But her ribs stuck out and she had no nails on her small toes. Just a pair of crusty nubs”
“Oh shit. That’s the deal-breaker right there”
“I will say one thing however”
Herbert grimaced immediately as the pain shot up both sides of his face due to excessive laughter. Meanwhile, Gino reached for his cell with happy tears welling in his eyes and deleted Angela’s number from his database.
How very inquisitive you are. Just had to keep scrolling didn’t you? It’s okay, without extensive exploration James T. Kirk never would have found Spock after Khan had had his wrath and Aladdin would still be paying off his diamante waistcoat. Here at the Rivers of Grue we encourage a little extra burrowing as much of the gold bullion within isn’t signposted. You can blame a childhood reading Where’s Wally; I believe you should be rewarded for showing a little initiative. Thus, I have arranged a closing gallery of tits from around the globe to nibble upon.
Let me tell you where I stand in the great boob debate. My only proviso is that they are real; not an absolute pre-requisite but personal preference. So many of us are unhappy with the hand we have been dealt and often it is considered imperative to go under the knife to achieve the perfect voluptuous bosom. I’ve been exposed to all types and it matters not whether they are big or small to me. Every single pair is different from the last and, considering how many billion women there are in this world, that is quite an achievement. For men it’s all about measuring up in the denims; Meat just has a kinder ring to it than Pee Wee. A late night skinny dip in sub-zero conditions can be a terrifying proposition for us; once jack frost comes nipping, our once proud bratwurst can be reduced to a lucky rabbit’s foot in seconds and no amount of thigh-slapping will revive its flagging fortunes.
Breasts are women’s’ crosses to bear and bear them they do. I’ve heard the term “more than a handful is a waste” and I strongly disagree. More than a handful is just fine thanks but, do you know what, less than one is too. They’re all beautiful in my eyes regardless of heft. The real kicker is that they come in pairs so, even if fondling one grows tiresome, there’s always another to grope. Good things generally come in twos; it’s the whole reason Noah’s ark floated off into the sunset whilst all the single file mammals perished. I never heard of a successful rap artist called OnePac, Phil Collins surely wouldn’t have scored a hit with One Heart, and many believe The Godfather Part II to be superior to the original. You ask Cookie Monster whether one cookie will suffice and he’ll likely knock you unconscious and steal the spare one in your pocket to munch on too. If you ask me I think it’s cruel that he doesn’t have a throat.
Anyhoots, in true Keeper fashion, here are a melange of mammalia painstakingly prepared for your delectation. Be you male or female; they’re glorious creations which should be embraced and not shunned. I often wonder where we would be without them; likely some war-ravaged dystopian landscape bereft of joy. I for one will never tire of boobs. So, without further ado, let’s roll out the titties. Have a sort through, see what you think. I like them all but that’s just me. True beauty is on the inside see; I’ve met women with stunningly architecture and their breasts have shriveled up like sun-dried raisins the moment something unkind leaves their mouth. If the heart inside is true then I believe bosoms to act as lighthouses as such; not to ward stray fisherman away from dashing rocks, but instead to give them something glorious to drool over at as they count their daily herring.
During quiet moments I have been known to guzzle estrogen to assist me in harvesting my own pair. That would be a dream come true to me; waking up each morning just to give them a gentle squeeze and milk a little extra creamer into my morning latte. I’d likely get my ass cited for flashing them at passing motorists but it would be worth every caution in my book. One day, if my writing takes off, I plan to buy myself a pair. Nothing fancy, just something for a rainy day. Until then, I tip my hat to breasts. Big ones, small ones, sagging ones, uneven ones, black ones, white ones, hairy ones (actually scrap that)… you get my gist anyway. Let us all celebrate the humps, please bow your heads.
Titties are pretty
Titties are grand
Titties leave imprints
when burrowed in sand
Titties make waves
Titties bring glee
Whether under your armpits
or perched on your knee
Titties don’t bite
Titties can’t lie
Titties bring something
which money can’t buy
All titties unite
what a marvelous sight