Suggested Audio Candy:

 

Berlioz “Dream Of A Witches Sabbath”

 

 

“Hello dear”

“Hi. I was wondering whether I could come inside. Seem to have gotten a little lost”

“You’re not a Jehovah’s witness are you?”

“No”

“Then by all means, come on in. Mi casa es su casa. Make yourself at home weary traveler”

“Thank you”

“Don’t mention it dear. It’s so rare that I have visitors nowadays and your timing really couldn’t have been any better”

“Really?”

“Freshly baked and straight from the kiln”

“Gingerbread men. I love gingerbread”

“Then you’ve come to the right place young man. Sorry, I didn’t catch your name”

“Richard. But my friends call me Keeper”

“Then from this point forward you shall be Keeper. It’s been so long since I’ve had a friend”

Don’t stare at the wart on her nose. Don’t stare at the wart on her nose.

“Can’t imagine why”

“Men used to come flocking when I was a girl. I was quite the catch you know”

“I bet”

“Yes. Alas, men seemed to be intimidated by my natural beauty. Do you think I’m pretty?”

“A bona fide stunner”

Don’t hitch up your stockings. Don’t hitch up your stockings.

“My dear, flattery will get you everywhere”

“Shit”

I’m sorry dear”

“I said sweet”

“You’ll have to excuse me. I’m a little deaf in one ear you see. Keep meaning to get them syringed. Look at the build up of ear wax”

“Do I have to?”

“If you don’t wish to disappoint me”

“Okay”

Don’t let on that you just threw up a little in your throat. Don’t let on that you just threw up a little in your throat.

“Ear drops should do the trick”

“I would try them but I haven’t left this place for a very long time”

“I have some at home. Can go and get them now if you’d like. Back in two shakes”

“You’ll do no such thing. Muhahaha…I mean…please dear, stay for a bit. It gets so desperately lonely out here all alone”

“I suppose another gingerbread man wouldn’t hurt”

“That’s the spirit. I’m starting to like you. Has anyone ever told you that you have the most dazzling blue eyes?”

“Erm, my girlfriend does”

“Lucky girl. Not tonight however. Her loss is my gain. If you play your cards right you may just be able to take advantage of me you know”

Don’t be holding a straight flush. Don’t be holding a straight flush.

 

 

Fuck it, a royal flush. Balls.

“But you’ve already been far too hospitable. I really shouldn’t encroach any further”

“No encroachment dear. I was just putting the finishing touches on a homemade broth. There’ll be far too much for one and I do dislike dining alone”

“Broth huh. Not really feeling the broth if I’m honest”

“You haven’t even heard the ingredients yet. Hand picked. The finest in the forest”

“Venison?”

“Amongst other things yes. Eye of newt, wing of bat, a handful of slugs and snails, ten puppy dog’s tails, a sprig of Parsley, and I’ve been missing that all important missing ingredient”

“Sounds delightful. But I’ve already eaten heartily today”

“That’s good dear. Can’t have you wasting away and growing all stringy on us can we? That most certainly wouldn’t do”

“How long until suppertime?”

“That depends”

“On what?”

“On how long it takes you to take off all your clothes”

“I’ll do nothing of the sort”

“Fret not dear, nothing sinister. You just look like you could do with a bath is all. You’re filthy”

She’s got me there. Currently I’m considering requesting a hand job.

“Actually, it has been a bit nippy out. Could be nice to warm up”

“That’s the spirit. Hop on in. It’s at just the right temperature. Perfect for the simmer”

 

 

“There?”

“Yes. Please ignore the vegetables, I’ve heard they work as an excellent exfoliant”

“Exfoliate this bitch. I ain’t climbing in there. It’s a goddamn cauldron”

“Cauldron, bath. Whatever. Beggars can’t be choosers. Now in you get”

“Absolutely not. I flat refuse”

“Plucky aren’t we? Keeper, meet frying pan”

Dodge left. No! Dodge right. Fuck it.

Bonk

________

 

“Welcome back my pretty”

“Let me go. Untie me you wench. I want to go home”

“Boo hoo. Getting homesick are we? I tried my darndest to be a most congenial host but you simply threw it back in my face. Now my feelings are hurt. And when I get upset, I get hungry. Comfort eating you see. Helps me to feel better about myself”

“I won’t taste good. I don’t digest well”

“That’s okay. I fully plan on holding you in my cheeks for a while and slowly sucking all the flavor out”

“I have head lice. Real bad ones”

“Silly boy. You don’t think I would eat you whole do you? I’ll hold onto your scalp. Almost out of dusters anyway”

“My family knows I’m here”

“You really expect me to believe such a tall tale? Do I look like a simpleton?”

Resist answering that poser. Resist answering that poser.

“I would never suggest such a thing”

“You’re fast hurting my feelings you know. I only wanted to make friends. It’s been so long since anybody agreed to come over for dinner. I’ve taken to picking up waifs and strays like you”

“There’s no need to settle. Tell you what, slacken these ropes and I shall take you for a slap-up meal you won’t forget”

“But I had my heart set on broth”

“Do you drive?”

“Alas, no. Just the broomstick. It’s faster as the crow flies however”

“Come on. We can still make it for happy hour”

“I shall regretfully have to decline on this occasion Keeper dear. You see, you may not be much to look at, but you do let off a rather delightful aroma”

Why can you never fart when you need to? Fart dagnabbit. Fart!

“Another five minutes should do you. You seem to be coming to the boil just lovely”

I’ve had it. Done for. Royally screwed. Crying out for the pointed dunce hat. Trust me to knock on this crusty old hag’s rickety door. I guess this is where our paths separate once-and-for-all Grueheads. It’s sure been grand knowing you all; thanks for all the glorious memories. Whatever you do, don’t follow the trail of breadcrumbs. Five whole minutes? Need to find something to do to divert my attention away from the infernal anguish.

“Excuse me”

“Yes dear”

“Don’t guess I could trouble you for a hand job could I?”

 

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