Four Funerals & A Wedding 

Suggested Audio Candy:


[1] Billy Idol “White Wedding”

[2] Billy Idol “Rebel Yell”



It was Billie Jo’s big day. Today she was royalty; no longer small order waitress at the local truck stop cafe, for a few exclusive hours she was the most important woman in Tennessee. Her marriage to Mike had not met everyone’s approval and her father had almost refused to give her away on account of him thinking Mike was little more than a sniveling bum but, other than that small detail, everything had gone pretty much without hitch. The couple delivered their own hand-written vows in front of a forty-strong crowd; both of them had preferred something intimate to some lavish affair as neither were particularly enthralled about sharing their day with a bunch of second cousins and vague acquaintances. It had been exactly the day they had both desired and the weather had even played its part.

Mike’s best friend Callum was on best man duties and, considering they’d known each other since elementary school, there seemed no more fitting a candidate. Right now was time for his speech and this made Mike a little nervous as he knew enough about him to really do a number on him. Callum had promised to keep things short and sweet, and not to embarrass him too much. After his public address, all that would be left was a short sit-down meal, first dance, and then Billy Jo and Mike would be required to make off for the airport for their honeymoon in Cancun. Callum and his partner Elise were travelling with the pair to the hotel for one night before the afternoon flight the next day and the group had planned to drink way into the night to celebrate the couple’s nuptials before they jetted off.


It was Callum’s turn to take the mic and deliver his speech and this had Mike on tenterhooks as he knew enough to bury him and wasn’t afraid to make an example of him on his one chance to gain the upper hand. As he took to his feet and prepared his toast, Mike cringed and held onto Billy Jo’s hand for dear life.

“Welcome everyone and thanks for coming along to share Billy Jo and Mike’s special day. I’ve been told to keep things short and sweet but taking orders never was my strong point”

Mike instantly shrank back into his seat.

“So here’s the part where I tell you all the embarrassing stuff that the groom would wish to keep secret. Unfortunately for Mike I have a long memory and he isn’t getting off the hook that easy”

“Go easy Callum”

Bad move saying that to a man brandishing a microphone.

“Did you hear that folks. Go easy he says. Shall I go easy on him?”

A resounding “no” rang out in unison and Mike knew that he had been well and truly stitched up.

“Sorry bud. The droves have spoken. So where do I start? Well, I have known Mike since we were both seven years old and I would have to say that it has been a distinct honor being his wingman over that time. I was the cool one you see, Mike suffered from terrible acne which meant that he didn’t have his first girlfriend until he was sixteen”

“It was dermatitis”

“He blames it on a skin condition but we both know that isn’t true don’t we Mike? Anyway, he didn’t let it affect him and thankfully, while I was sowing my seeds, he was learning and perfecting the art of masturbation. Honestly, I’ve never known a young lad wank as much as Mike”

“My nan’s here Callum”

“And I’m sure she knows why one of your forearms is larger than the other. That’s correct, Mike choked the chicken at every opportunity through high school, most embarrassingly so in the toilet cubicle during recess when he burst a blood vessel and ended up in the nurse’s office. Word travelled fast in our school and he fast assumed the nickname Left-Hand Mike for his troubles. Evidently he remained single right through our scholarship until, at sixteen, he finally got to pop his cherry with a girl he met at summer camp named Belinda”

“No. Not Belinda”

“Yes Mike. Belinda, you remember her well don’t you?”

“Cut me some slack”


“Belinda was vastly more experienced than Mike and made it her mercy mission to free him from his virginity. A bunch of us eavesdropped outside his tent and two things stick in my mind. Firstly, “You got them too large. There’s no way you’re gonna fit that” and, secondly, “Is that it?” approximately two and a half minutes later. Mike didn’t so much lose his virginity as misplace it in her vagina. I wondered then whether he would be destined to spend the rest of his life a bachelor but then Billy Jo came along during high school and changed all that. I remember thinking that she was far too pretty to go for him but the acne scars had begun to clear up and Mike had finally begun to grow into his skin by that point so she took pity on him. I’m glad she did. You see, Mike and Billy Jo stayed together right through college and proved all of us wrong. You would hardly see one without the other in tow and I remember feeling distinctly jealous at how he had lucked out with such a fox”

“Please go easy”

“This is the edited version buddy. Don’t worry, I’ve got this”

“That’s what bothers me”

“Can you hear this people? Our groom has got the sweats on. Should I go easy on him?”


“My audience has spoken. Okay so where was I? That’s right, Mike and Billy Jo. They made a pretty sweet couple if truth be known. Sure, they were sickening to watch and slobbered over one another publicly at every given opportunity but they were definitely in love and that sickened us all. To make matters worse, they stayed together after we graduated and my best friend became the guy I play poker with on bi-weekly Tuesday evenings. I remember feeling embittered, as though this bitch…no offence”

“None taken”

“As though this bitch had stolen him away from me. What right did she have to limit our interactions to every second week I thought. Finally I decided that enough was enough and planned a night out in Vegas for a few of our close friends. You remember that one Mike don’t you?”

“Please let me forget. Forgive me Billy Jo”

“Vegas. What a trip that was. We fared pretty well at the roulette table and decided to give Mike a present he would never forget so we ordered him a brass”

Billy Jo was now looking decidedly perplexed and had slackened her grip on Mike’s hand.

“Candy her name was. She was a real munter; teeth like a row of tombstones and walked like John Wayne after dismount. She’d clearly seen some cock, this one”


“Enough Callum”

“Trust me Mike. So Candy took Mike away to Room 512 for further training and, judging by the fact that Billy Jo had a constant look of dissatisfaction on her face, we considered it a vital part of his sexual development. Considering we had funded the expedition, we thought it only fair that we follow them to the suite and listen in from the doorway. Billy Jo will be pleased to hear that Mike couldn’t go through with it. He ended up using their alloted half hour whining about how much he loved his girlfriend and Candy turned out to be a keen listener. I guess it didn’t matter to her as she was being remunerated for her time. I think it was then that I realized Mike and Billy Jo were the real deal. It doesn’t matter what shit storms get thrown their way, and there have been many, they always keep up a united front and I’ve seen the way they look at one another when nobody else is around”

Both Mike and Billy Jo began to relax at this point and waited for the sweet conclusion to Callum’s speech. They obviously didn’t know him as well as they thought.

“It’s a look of “help I’m trapped.” Rabbit in headlamps. Both of them have gotten themselves into something which neither of them have the faintest idea how to get out of. It’s quite sad when you think of it. A wedding takes a couple of years to plan and it is easy to get caught up in details and forget why you’re doing it in the first place. They’re at that place; dazed, confused and about to wake up Mr & Mrs Bradbury for the very first time. You’re done for now kids”

“Callum. Enough”

“Yeah, wrap it up. You’re out of line”

“I haven’t even got to the good part yet. Bear with me”



It was now Billy Jo who appeared the more disenchanted and, as Callum continued, all the color drained out of her rosy cheeks.

“Three weeks ago while Callum was away with work I popped over to see Billy Jo and check on her well-being. I figured she may need a little cheering up and a friendly face but I got a surprise when I got there. She opened up to me, must have been nerves over the big day looming or something, but when she told me that they hadn’t had sex in seven months I was deeply saddened. Seemingly, Mike had used up all his semen in high school and, according to Billy Jo, he couldn’t get it up without a finger in his asshole anymore”

Mike slipped his hand from Billy Jo’s.

“So how can a friend help? Here she was pouring out her heart and I felt like I needed to do something to help her situation and get the young love-birds back on track”

“No Callum. Please”

“The lady doth protest. Funny, she didn’t seem to protest when I fucked her three times and made her squirt on the third”

The entire congregation fell silent at that point.



“Is this thing on? That’s right, three times, and I taught Billy Jo that missionary need not be a pre-requisite while I was at it. Doggy style the first, up against the shower wall the second, and if memory serves she plucked up the courage to take the reins for the third fuck and rode me like Greyhound”

Billy Jo’s father Harris was now out of his seat and attempting to relieve Callum of his microphone but the best man wasn’t finished yet. Meanwhile, Elise was also looking veritably shocked by his revelation.

“It seems that my time will be up soon so let me get to the meat and potatoes. We decided that we had made something of an error of judgement and pledged to let our dirty little secret die right there but it doesn’t seem right to begin a long lifetime vow together without first cleaning all the skeletons out of your closet does it Billy Jo? You’re man and wife now so here starts the understanding part”

“You fucking asshole Callum”

While Billy Jo ground her teeth and wished for a hole to open up and swallow her whole, Callum’s own girlfriend had heard enough and planted her palm across his face before furiously exiting through the marquis entrance in floods of tears.

“Looks like the cat’s out of the bag now so fuck it”

“Give me that microphone young man or I swear to God…”

“Sit down you old weasel. You’ve had your turn”

Callum shoved Harris in his body and the old man fell back into his seat, clutching his chest. He was in visible pain and appeared to be suffering some kind of panic-attack, so the master of ceremonies carried on while the going was still good.

“Long story short. Mike is too good for this tramp. I apologize for leaving it until after the nuptials before enlightening you to her whore-like behavior but I was curious to see whether they’d actually go through with it you see. Will someone get this man a glass of water? Jesus, the catering team leave a lot to be desired. Have you seen the entrée people? I’m pretty sure my soup had a pubic hair in it. Come to think of it, it was probably one of Billy Jo’s still lodged in my teeth. Good to see that seventies bush is making such a triumphant return”

This was no mere hyperventilation; Harris was suffering from a full-blown coronary.


“Daddy? Will someone get help please. Daddy?”

“Think I’d better wrap up about here. Anyways, chin chin. Enjoy the festivities and I’m also available for Bar Mitzvahs”

Callum placed the microphone back on the top table and gulped hard as he realized that Billy Jo’s father’s condition was far more grave than he’d initially realized. The fifty-six year old was currently an off-grey and his cardiac arrest was getting the better of him in no uncertain terms. After a labored final breath, he fell silent and Billy Jo let out an inhuman yelp of epic proportions.

“Oh shit. Is there anything I can do?”

This proved to be Billy Jo’s trigger and she glared over at the best man before clutching her steak knife and lunging across the table at him in demented fashion. Mike, always the pacifier in such situations, attempted to restrain her and she lashed out at him with the blade, unaware that she performed an unlicenced tracheostomy on the groom in the process. She had one goal and that was Callum. Nothing whatsoever would halt her in making that vengeful milestone. Callum put one hand in front of his face in defense and she stabbed right through to the other side, an inch away from his bulging eye.

“You fucking bitch”

With his other free hand he struck the unhinged bride with sufficient force to knock her sideways. However, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and she shirked off any pain and made headway a second time, cornering Callum as she circled him like a predator would its quarry, knife clutched tight with intent to both maim and kill for obliterating her big day.

“I’m sorry”

“You’re sorry. For what? Killing my father?”

“That wasn’t me. Billy Jo I didn’t mean for it to get so out-of-hand”

Half of the congregation were out of their seats although none dared to intervene at this point, on account of the fact that Mike was losing blood fast through his exposed larynx. Outside in the street, the other former revellers were in a similar state of disarray as, in her mortified state, Elise had run straight out in front of a passing eighteen wheeler and been annihilated on impact. The top half of her torso was situated about the trucker’s grill, while her twitching legs were a full ten yards away on the sidewalk. The impact had torn her clean in half.

“Out-of-hand? You’ve ruined my life”

“Mike will forgive you. He’s a stand-up guy”

“And what about my pops?”

“He was admittedly getting on”

So began Callum’s lesson in exercising restraint and choosing his moments to activate mouth before brain. Billy Jo’s second lunge was far more decisive and ended in three inches of steel burrowing into the best man’s well-creased brow. She drove it deeper still, sufficiently so to cause both his eyes to overspill with blood and fell astride his convulsing body.


“Looks like I’m on top again Callum”

She removed the blade from its freshly formed cavity, dislodging a sickening spray of crimson which felt warm to the taste as it hit her gullet. Billy Jo licked her lips before plunging the knife in once again, this time just shy of his heart. She had no intention of this blow killing him outright and instead wished him to drown in his own fluid and have a moment of quiet reflection over what he had done. He spluttered as his throat began to fill and the life slowly began to ebb away until which point as he relinquished any control of both bladder and bowel in unison. Nonchalantly, Billy Jo rose to her feet and discarded the blade the moment she glanced back at her beloved Mike sprawled across the table, giving up his own battle for continuation. She bolted to his aid but there was barely enough time left to deliver her four words.

“For better for worse”

Mike appeared to be attempting to vocalize so she leaned in while emergency services showed up at the scene and the remaining crowds dissipated leaving just the two of them for their final moment.

“I…I want…a divorce”

Mike died at 5.02pm leaving Billy Jo widowed and heading for an disenchanting lengthy stint in the state penitentiary. As officials led her away, before a crowd of horrified onlookers, she just repeated those same four words.


“For better for worse”

Twelve years have passed since the infamous Tennessee wedding day massacre and Billy Jo Bradbury’s parole has finally been granted. It can be tough securing work when you’re an ex-con and she isn’t expecting it to be easy by a long chalk. In time, she will be able to put this whole sorry mess behind her and her sole ambition is to settle down once again and remarry. She still believes wholeheartedly in true love and takes her vows most seriously after seeing her last marriage through both sickness and health. Obviously there is a certain stigma attached to one who slaughtered a man in cold blood so she switched locations, changed her name to Tess, and became a blonde as apparently they have more fun. She managed to get a job as a waitress at the local greasy spoon café and there she met Nigel. They’ve been together for three years now and he is fully supportive of her pursuits and totally besotted with her, although certain events from her past seemed best left buried understandably. Recently, he popped the question, and Tess procrastinated not in accepting his offer of marriage. She did, however, have one condition and that was that they do so with an absolute minimum of fuss and elope.


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