Suggested Audio Candy:
 Mozart “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik”
 Gipsy Kings “La Cucaracha”
I eat people. There I said it. My grandmother always taught me to start as you mean to go on and told me that a true friend will accept you no matter what so I’m taking her advice by trusting you with this right now. The truth is that vegetables leave me cold. I get that they offer vital nutrients but that doesn’t make them suck any less. I can’t think of anything less bland than a garden salad, relish or no relish, it just doesn’t appeal to me. However, give me a hunk of flesh to gnaw from the bone and I’ll definitely be back for seconds. In the past three weeks alone I have consumed enough red meat to pack out an obese man’s colon to capacity. But finding a meal has become troublesome.
I joined a dating site several months ago and this has provided me with all the meal tickets I have needed up until now. If there’s one thing you can guarantee about any potential suitors you find through this medium, then it is that nobody will be aware of their coordinates should they choose to arrange a meeting. I insist on such, come across as timid and lacking in confidence, and this is a sure-fire way to bag yourself a sexual predator. I’ve had seven first dates in the past two months but not one follow-up appointment. The reason for this has nothing to do with them losing interest; but it does have plenty to do with the fact that I store them in my basement and snack on them whenever I see fit.
Once you’ve cut away any gristle, there’s ordinarily enough meat left to feed a girl for weeks to come, but I have a rather insatiable appetite so it’s never too long before I go back to the drawing board again. Thankfully, there are never any shortage of desperate men in the world and I take a pretty good selfie so before too long they’re queueing up once again and I get the pick of the litter. Athletic types don’t really do it for me; they’re way too stringy and there just isn’t enough fat on the bones to get a decent meal out of them. Obese men may appear to offer the greatest bang for your buck but their blubber too is surprisingly unsound. It’s the average Joe that I traditionally opt for.
Speaking of Joes, I currently have one shackled up in my cellar. I’ve already had both his legs and they were particularly tender. I have been sure to cauterize both stumps as the moment he bleeds out the mutton will begin to spoil. There’s nothing worse than dead meat and, besides, I find it empowering chowing down on my victims while they have to watch. I don’t ever feel the pangs of guilt as the food chain is there with sound reasoning and I know the pecking order. For a long while, a good sirloin would suffice, but any eating order is a slippery road and steak just doesn’t cut it anymore. I already have other stokes in the fire so, when Joe is all finished up, I’ll simply bat my lashes and they’ll soon come running.
I’m guessing that you’ll all be wanting to meet Joe. I’m fine with that although be warned it can be quite a frustrating affair. I think he has gotten used to having no legs and after care is my specialty but he has been prone to outbursts on occasion. It’s all ultimately just foreplay of course. There’s a fine line between love and hate and good reason why angry coitus is such a popular pastime. He hasn’t really got the thrust anymore so I cut him some slack and take on jockey duties. It doesn’t matter how much he protests as his telltale tallywhacker always comes round to my way of thinking in the end. I can be a most persuasive creature. There’s little more sexually arousing than a carnivore don’t you think?
Tonight, if all goes to plan, I shall be eating wings. All his arms are good for is flailing and I’m growing weary of constantly needing to shackle them. Once they’re gone; I’ll get down to business. Then it becomes a race against time and my freezer compartment is already overloaded so Thursdays tend to be banquet nights. Last week I had Erik and what a delectable treat he proved to be. Sadly I’m dining alone by that point, but I do make sure that not a scrap goes to waste. My pig Carnívoro is always on hand to assist should I be stuffed and this little piggy is the reason I don’t need to go market to procure a dishwasher. Spare ribs never particularly appealed to me other than something to lick for a change of pace from time to time. Carnívoro makes short work of any surplus and never once moans about the quality of cut. He can break down an entire exoskeleton in a matter of minutes and that makes him the most inestimable pet I could possibly wish for.
Today is his birthday. I have been his entire universe since conception and selected the runt of the litter as I knew he would be loyal. Not once have I ever been required to raise my voice at him; he’s my best friend and I plan to honor this landmark occasion with a special supper. Joe really should be feeling venerated as it he who will be supplying to his demands. What an honor to mark the tenth birthday of such a fine beast. Some find hogs repulsive and believe them to be filthy, lazy creatures. I object to that; Carnívoro is both studious and well-kept. By midnight Joe’s online account will become inactive. This really will be his last supper. He’s a lucky man.
Did you hear that? The moment my stomach begins to growl, I know I’ve been rattling on for too long. I am also culpable of such when I am excited and I’ve spent all day making everything absolutely perfect. One has to create an ambiance for a feast such as this; thus I have selected my finest cutlery and crockery for the occasion. There is an art to fine dining and preparation is of utmost importance. Audio can also lend itself to creating a relaxed atmosphere and Carnívoro just so happens to be a fan of the Gypsy Kings so La Cucaracha will be this evening’s mood piece. Whether or not rumba flamenca is your thing I would suggest just letting it slide for tonight as this soirée is for his benefit. I think I’m ready now; everything appears to be in order. How do I look? Thank you, you are most kind. I’m glad I extended the invite your way you know. Shall we depart to the cellar?
“Good evening Joseph”
“I hate you”
“Please, before we go any further, I must remind you that we have company”
“You sick bastards. Get me out of here!”
“Come now Joe. That’s not the way to make friends is it? Name calling is so impolite. Do you really expect them to help you now?”
“Please help me”
“These are my guests Joe. They’re not here for your convenience I’m afraid. But it must feel pretty good to have an audience”
“They know that already silly. Look at them, take a long hard look. You see, they’re all crazy too. We’re one big chorus line of crazy”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“I get that one a lot Joe. Well that really is the most delightful profile picture on your account. A touch misleading perhaps but I have to say that your thighs were almost à La Carte standard and I’m excited to chow down on some brisket. I guess it’s ultimately your fault for being such a succulent morsel. What can I say, we live in a blame culture and I’m a product of my environment…kinda. Anyways, it isn’t about who did what right now, tonight is a very special occasion”
“Let me go”
“I can’t set you free into the big bad world without a leg to stand on can I? That would make me a despicable host. Carnívoro has been waiting a long time for tonight. You should feel privileged being selected for guest at such a prestigious event”
“Keep that fucking boar away from me or…”
“Or what Joe? Your hands are tied are they not? I hardly think you’re in the position for idle threats now do you?”
“They’re not idle”
“Speak up Joe so our friends can hear”
“I said I’m going to rip your fucking spleen out and floss with it”
“That would be quite the act of contortion Joe”
“What are you getting out of this?”
“I would say that was obvious wouldn’t you?”
“I hope I give you the runs”
“Such a tired cliché. I regret to inform you that I have consumed rather a lot of red meat over the past couple of years and never once have I suffered from dysentery. You’ll slide down marvelous with a nice glass of Merlot. Now I think we’ve had more than enough small talk for the time being. We don’t want our guests growing restless do we?”
“They can go to hell”
“Excuse Joe will you? He’s not ordinarily this belligerent. Tell you what, shall I prepare our entrée? I’ll let you decide which wing to use first although I would suggest his right arm as his bicep is a little larger. Wasted youth eh Joe?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well I just can’t make my mind up. It’s a girl’s prerogative you know. Bone saw should work best. That shoulder-blade is going to take some severing”
“I must insist that you stop wriggling Joe. How do you expect me to make a clean-cut when you won’t stay still for a second?”
“Fret not. A little more elbow grease and this should come free in a jiffy…there we go. Et voilà. Starters”
“Jesus no. Just kill me, I don’t want to live”
“Isn’t Joe depressing? You would think he’d be relieved right now to be ambidextrous but still nothing seems to be good enough. Ever wonder why you find it hard meeting girls Joe?”
“I’m going to get out of this and when I do I’ll kill you”
“I’d pay to see that and I suspect this lot would too. I don’t think so Joe. I have it all planned out to the letter you see. Tell you what, as this is such a special occasion, I promise not to cut off your other arm how’s that?
“You’re letting me go?”
“Did I say that? No Joe, I’m not letting you go. It’s time for you to meet Carnívoro is what I mean”
“He’s my dear friend and our distinguished guest of honor. Ravenous rascal he is. It’ll all be over before you know it. You did say that you wanted to die and I am nothing if not hospitable. Carnívoro? Come on down sweetness”
“Oh my God”
“Don’t mention his gut. He is rather sensitive. Carnívoro, come and have a sniff of dinner”
“Keep that away from me”
“He likes you…see?”
“I suggest that we give Carnívoro and Joe a little time to become better acquainted. Tell you what, you can help me decide between Harold and Dennis. I’m veering towards Dennis right now if I’m honest. His favorite film is Babette’s Feast and I do love that movie. Carnívoro should have this all sewn up within minutes and, although there will likely be slim pickings once he’s had his fill, I did get his pitching arm. I would suggest that we leave the boys to it as food does like to repeat on Carnívoro and he has been known to get flustered by too much attention. Many happy returns my sweet little piggy and bon appétit.