Famous Last Words



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Tito & Tarantula “After Dark”




“Do you have any last words you wish to share with us before you depart?”

“Does “fuck you” count?”

“Only if you wish for your last address to be both vulgar and predictable”

“Okay then, how about “I hope you die gargling!” Does that suffice?”

“My my. You are an angry one aren’t you?”

“Maybe it has to do with the fact that you still haven’t told me what I’ve done to deserve this”

“All in good time”

“When I get out of this, I’m going to carve you wide open from asshole to appetite and play cat’s-cradle with your intestines”

“Are you now? Sounds like fun. And how do you propose you will free yourself?”

“Stick around and you’ll find out”

“I’m not going anywhere. This is far too much fun to pass up on. Watching you squirm is really rather an exquisite pastime”

“People are going to notice that I’m missing you know. They will come looking for me”

“When they do are they going to give me a piece of their minds? Isn’t that how it normally works?”

“Something like that yes. They’ll make sure that you pay a princely sum for the cruelty that you have inflicted on me”

“You will excuse me if I don’t quake in my boots”

“Your funeral”

“Is it though? I would argue that it is, in fact, your funeral”


“Of course. Sticks and stones. You can call me all the names that your limited intellect can muster but it won’t make dispatching you any less pleasurable”

“Then do it. Kill me now. Put me out of my misery if you think you’ve got what it takes”


“You’d love that wouldn’t you? The easy way out, praying for a swift demise. And what makes you think that I will grant you such elementary release?”

“Because you’re a coward”

“How so?”

“If that wasn’t true then you would untie me and take me on man-to-man”

“You must think I just departed the latest boat that docked in the harbor”

“See. You’re yellow to the belly”

“That’s just jaundice. I have an excessive amount of bilirubin in my blood”


“Who do you propose will hear your pathetic cries? Are the cavalry coming? Should I be getting worried? Oh whatever will I do?”

“They’re coming all right”

“Well I guess I had better set the table for extra guests then”

“No need. They won’t be staying”

“How positively uncouth. After all the effort I’ve gone to too. Your friends sound like a rather unsavory bunch”

“You have no idea”

“About the Grueheads? Well that is where you’re wrong. You see, I’ve done my homework”

“And what did you learn?”

“Nothing particularly memorable if I’m honest. Sounds like your average mindless lynch mob to me”

“That is where you’re sorely mistaken”

“Lots of talk but no action by all accounts. I have studied them closely and I have to say I’m not exactly sweating their retribution”

“Good. Then it will come as even more of a surprise when they tear your epidermis away from those hateful bones and use it to fashion a neck scarf from”

“Your words cannot save you now Keeper. The writing is already on the wall”

“Fuck your writing”

“I admit my spelling is atrocious. But that is no reason to be so ferocious”

“They’re on their way already”

“You really are like a modern-day Tarzan aren’t you? Call and your mindless minions will come running”

“That’s where you’re wrong again”

“But I’m expecting to see a Trojan Horse trundle over the hill at any given second”


“They’re not minions. Far from it”

“What are they then? Freedom fighters? Mercenaries? Some elite task force?”

“They are the most powerful group of individuals on the planet and they take great exception to one of their own being dealt injustice”

“Well I suggest that they bring it, these Grueheads of yours”

“They will and, when they do, they will extend you the same hospitality you’ve shown me”

“I’m tiring of this…and of you come to think of it”

“I’ve got you rattled haven’t I? No need to admit it, I can see it in your eyes”

“You’ve got me. I’m utterly terrified and midway through squeezing a jagged little fear nugget into my breeches as we speak”

“Nice try. But I can tell that you’re growing nervous. What if what I’m proposing is authentic? What if you’re about to suffer repeatedly for what you have done?”

“Then I guess I will have asked for it. If you have any spiritual interactions with your Grueheads, please inform them that I expect them to wipe their boots when they enter. It has taken days to get this place spick and span and I don’t much care for cleaning up after unruly house guests”

“I suggest you get a mop and bucket ready”

“I’m going to miss this you know”


“Bonding like this. I feel as though in different circumstances we could have become friends”

“I would say any chance of that evaporated the very moment you chloroformed me”

“How else was I supposed to snag myself a Keeper? You’re quite the elusive one you know”

“And you’re psychotic. Look, you’re beginning to bore me if I’m honest. Are you going to kill me or what?”

“All in good time. I feel like you need to suffer some more before I decide to snuff you out”

“Hasn’t this been punishment enough?”

“But I haven’t laid a finger on you yet”


“Pain can be inflicted in many different ways. I’d say I’ve suffered ample just listening to your monotone voice droning on for the past ten minutes”

“As you wish”


“Now if only I knew what weapon to use”

“Is that axe blunt?”

“Yes a little”

“Then use that. It will give you a greater sense of achievement when you finally manage to dismember each of my limbs in turn”

“Really? You wouldn’t prefer the sickle? One swift slice and it’ll all be over”

“Too fleeting. You want me to die screaming don’t you?”

“Yes. That would provide a considerable bonus”

“There you go then, It’s a no-brainer if you ask me”


“Don’t mention it”

“Can I ask something?”


“What is your actual motive for wanting me dead?”

“You want the truth?”


“Your name annoys me”

“Is that it?”

“Pretty much yes. Keeper of The Crimson Quill. Sounds like you need to be taken down a peg or two”

“That’s your reason? My name annoys you”

“It just sounds so self-important”

“My real name is Richard. Keeper is just a pseudonym you know”

“Richard you say? I have to admit, that’s far less despicable”

“Yup. Plain old Rich. I’m a pretty regular guy by all accounts”

“I wish you’d told me that from the start”

“You chloroformed me”

“I mean when you woke up”

“Didn’t realize it was of any great bearing”

“Well it is. You see, now I’m having second thoughts about gutting you like a swine”

“Don’t let that deter you. Do what you feel you need to”

“That’s just it Richard. Suddenly I despise you a little less”

“I see your predicament. Look, I understand you know”


“How could you possibly understand after what I have done?”

“Mine is not to pass judgement”

“God damn it”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m actually growing rather fond of you”

“You don’t want to waste all this preparation. Here, pass me the hatchet. I’ll do the first few chops myself”

“I just don’t feel all that angry anymore”

“You’ll feel better once you get started”

“No. No, I’m sorry for all of the confusion. But I think I may spare you after all”

“There’s always space for another Gruehead you know. We’re always recruiting”

“Really. You would do that? Accept me into the flock after all that I have done?”

“Sure why not? None of us are perfect. We’ve all got our demons”

“I’ve made a terrible error in judgement”

“Happens to the best of us”

“Well I guess I should cut you loose”

“That shows great character. See, you’re not so nefarious”

“I’m often dreadfully misunderstood”

“I get that. Really I do. Had a lifetime of being taken for granted”

“Then what do you suggest?”

“Well, I guess we should start with a title”

“Please nothing too long-winded. Just something simple”

“How about The Expurgator?”

“I actually quite like that”

“Then that is how you shall be known from hereon in”



“Thank you. After what I have put you through, I would forgive you for wanting me dead. Instead you have been most kind”

“Don’t mention it. We all make mistakes”


“Here. Allow me to cut you loose from your shackles. I do hope they haven’t been too binding”

“They’ve been alright”

“But look at the bruises on your wrists. I’m truly sorry. What a frightful host I’ve been”

“Really. It’s not an issue”

“Needless to say you’re free to leave”

“I appreciate it. Takes a lot to do what you’ve done you know”

“Consider me rehabilitated”

“Remember if you need anything just holler. I’m never far away”

“Take the back door out and follow the trail for about two miles. You should be back in familiar territory in no time”

“I’m grateful. Well, this looks like goodbye then”

“Indeed. Safe travels Keeper of The Crimson Quill”

“You too my friend. See you around”


“What a delightful fellow”

[Forceful knock at the front door]


“Bear with me one moment please”

“This is Peter Kidder of the First Reich of The Grueheads. We have come for your blood this day and to punish you for your heinous crimes “

“Oh fiddlesticks. Give me a second will you Peter?”

“Tell you what, I’ll give you five. Then we’re coming in you heathen and painting the walls with your brain matter”

“Gotcha. Back in a jiffy”

“Keeper…are you still there old pal? I may be needing you to call off your troops. Keeper?..Rich?”


Click here to read Bridge Over Bubbling Cauldron






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