Castlevania: Alucard’s Quest


Suggested Audio:


[1] Michiru Yamane “Dracula’s Castle”

[2] Michiru Yamane “Alchemy Laboratory”

[3] Michiru Yamane “Dance of Pales”

[4] Michiru Yamane “The Clock Tower”

[5] Michiru Yamane “Crystal Teardrops”

[6] Michiru Yamane “Requiem of The Gods”

[7] Justin Bieber “Sorry”

[8] Michiru Yamane “Wandering Ghosts”

[9] Michiru Yamane “Bloodlines”

[10] The Smashing Pumpkins “The Everlasting Gaze”

[11] Justin Bieber “Sorry (Reprise)”



You ready for an epic journey Grueheads? Well, before we commence, let me take us back to the very start. If I were asked what my all-time favorite video game was then there would only ever be one answer. Castlevania: Symphony of The Night is, hands down, the finest piece of gaming plutonium ever to have been crafted in my opinion. Its architecture was so utterly peerless, the castle walls so chock-full of secrets, and the overall experience so inimitable, that no other could ever hope to displace it from its bejeweled throne. I spent countless hours leveling up, slaying all manner of respawning succubi and exploring a little deeper but sold myself short on one vital count. I never actually finished my expedition or, at least, not as it was intended. After doing battle with the Prince of Darkness and sending him back to hell; I unlocked an inverted castle which mirrored the one I had just spent the last 30+ hours investigating. No stone had been unturned in that time, every familiar located, and each demon slain multiple times over. But I never truly made it out alive as I didn’t think to traverse its symmetrical floor plan.


Sometimes life has an uncanny way of coming back and biting you on the ass but Castlevania only ever had designs on my neck. As I bedded down to slumber last night, unfinished business suddenly popped up on the agenda and I was promptly returned to the battlefield of some of my most famous victories. The symphony had reconvened but, this time, I wouldn’t simply be allowed to opt for the easy way out. I was to do battle once more and there were no short cuts or easy outs this time around if I was to awaken from this nightmare. It was time for me to dust off my Iron Cuirass and Steel Gauntlets and step into the fray for old time’s sake. If I was successful then eternal rest would be nice but, should I fail in my quest, then infinite suffering awaited me in the fiery pits of hell. No pressure then.


As I came to, a sudden gush of bitter wind greeted me full in the face and I knew I was no longer in my boudoir. A customary glance at my surroundings confirmed this to be true and the dense forest around me suggested that I had indeed warped into the outskirt’s of the Dark Prince’s palace. It was going to take a Herculean effort to reach the master and an even more colossal one to defeat him but, first, I had to make it into the castle entrance before the drawbridge closed. I summoned all of my might and dashed as fast as my legs could carry me, leaping across the moat in a last-ditch attempt at hurdling the wooden door before it slammed shut in my face. I made it, barely, but I made it. I was now inside the entrance with a row of hallways before me and would need my wits about me to make any advancement as the path ahead would be fraught with otherworldly obstacles and great peril. Good job Peril is my middle name, actually it’s Charles, but Peril was second choice.


There was only one path available at this point and that was forward, through the lightning-illuminated rooms and past all manner of impaled corpses and gargantuan wolves. I was clad only in rags and the sole weapon at my disposal was a rusted one-handed sword which appeared as though it would struggle to cut through an umbilical cord. I would be required to smash every urn, scout every darkened recess and battle a freaky ensemble of hellish freaks to have any chance of making it past these early exchanges. My symphony was underway and Alucard was no longer simply a character under my control. I had become a Belmont, one of a long line of vampire hunters who had previously pitted their wits against the main man upstairs. A simple sprig of garlic would not suffice here, it would take me proving my mettle and strengthening my resolve to stand a snowglobe’s chance in the kiln of making it out of this infernal palace intact.


As towering as the wolves appeared on first viewing, one strike from my corroded blade was all it took to cast them aside and the shuffling zombies ahead of them proved little more than a distraction. I smashed a suspect-looking wall and it revealed a freshly prepared pot roast for my troubles. All was going decidedly well at this point and then, just as I was starting to embrace my Belmont bloodline, a familiar and most unwelcoming face appeared. It was Death, Dracula’s head henchman and serial antagonizer. My first thought was that he was here to pilfer my pot roast as he looked like it had been centuries since his last hearty meal. As far as I was concerned, he could find his own carvery as there was no way on Earth or in Hell that he was getting his chapped lips around my Gammon. Status wasn’t important here, it mattered not whether he was the great Beelzebub himself, I wasn’t about to offer him my only meal ticket.


“Still befriending mortals after all this time Alucard”

If there’s one thing that snags my pubes it’s when somebody acts over-familiar with you when they don’t even know you.

“I’ve never seen you before in my life”

“You may not remember me Belmont, but I remember you”

I considered giving him a sound ventilation for his insolence but, considering he was surrounded by an impenetrable force field at this point, decided to bide my time.

“I shall deal with you later demon”

“You shall do no such thing. Suffering is all that you’re good for and I will make sure that is an agonizing ordeal for you. Make it through this place unscathed and you will find me lying in wait. When we meet again, there will be an eternity of torment forecast. I will lick the flesh from your marrow and shit out your skull then…eat it once more.”

Then, while he is suffering from stomach cramps, I shall force an anointed rod up his bony rectum and skewer his kidney.

“I’m not afraid of you Death”

“Foolish mortal”

With that, he disappeared in a flash of illumination.


I wasn’t about to be discouraged by an episode such as that and decided instead to forge a path onto the next leg of my expedition, the Alchemy Laboratory. I had heard about this place, this is where Dracula’s minions carried out their unholy experiments, as evidenced by a collection of deathly vials and arcane statues. Amongst the geometrically bizarre architecture was a small army of skeletal warriors, each intent on shortening my stay. I stocked up on healing potions and the like before advancing and equipped some body armor that I had stumbled onto back at the entrance, then negotiated the maze, leaving a trail of shattered bones in my wake. After exploring sufficiently, I made my way to the top of a vertical shaft and dropped into a larger room. However, I soon wished that I hadn’t.


Slogra and Gaibon resided here, the first bosses I would be required to face if advancement was to be an option. Thankfully I had prepared myself in advance of this skirmish and remained unfazed by their tactics. They gave it their best shot and managed to skim my health with a couple of well-placed fireballs and spear jabs before I worked out their rather predictable battle plan and turned them back to monster mulch. It was going to take more than a skeletal pterodactyl and his hovering gargoyle sidekick to stop me in my tracks. Upon my final strike I became engulfed in light and any injuries sustained quickly dissipated. That’s right, I had achieved my first level-up. No more the fool, I was now a fully fledged warrior and growing stronger with every passing moment.


Next up was the Marble Gallery, a massive ornate transition area which reportedly housed The Clock Room. It also played host to a number of ungracious adversaries, a real freak show. There were the Flea Men, tiny little bounding distractions which were no match for my scimitar and miniscule flaming ghosts that fared little better. This was proving to be something of a walk in the park but I had spoken too soon as these insignificant low-level creepers were soon replaced with a far less inviting cast of cretins. I’ve never before been set upon by a possessed Ouija table but can now strike that off my to-do-list. This, in itself, would be little more than mild headache but, behind these varnished hell benches were a melange of heinous foes. These ranged from vicious marionettes and man-eating flowers to the famed Diplocephalus, a nauseating beast which possessed not one, but two heads, the second of which had sprouted from a cavity in its back. Nice. Much as it had been my intention to dish death to every creature within these castle walls, this encounter left me badly injured and in dire need of some breathing space so I left them where they stood and made my way to the next area to lick my wounds. Multitudes of trivial enemies barked their discord around me and I knew I was heading in the right direction. Then, once I had dispatched these minor annoyances, I was greeted by a far more agreeable vision.


“I am Maria. And who, pray tell, are you weary traveler?”

She was slim and toned, clad in a dress short enough for me to discern the tufts of her sex and wearing over-the-knee pop socks and a particularly kinky pair of boots. In addition, her flaxen locks danced about her soft neckline and her luscious lips pouted as if to say “come on big boy, show me the shaft of your weapon”. This was the epitome of a sight for sore eyes.

“I am Alucard and I am here to destroy this castle…and get laid ahem”

She smiled and those ruby lips parted to reveal a tongue which wouldn’t look out-of-place lapping up my creamy off-shoots or tickling the entrance of my urethra.

“It looks like we are here with the same purpose then”

It was clearly on, the chemistry was palpable and I prepared to give her a length of an altogether fleshier weapon. She reached inside her dress, touching her sticky center and producing three moist fingers which she pressed against my nose.

“Looks like I will be seeing you again”

No sooner had she made this remark than she vanished into thin air. What a cock tease, she had left me high and dry, testicles groaning and anointed rod glistening with intent to plunder. However, sitting on my hand for nigh-on two minutes would be the nearest I would come right now to the relief I craved from another. Somewhat crushed, I pressed on.


After negotiating the outer wall, a vertical structure to the far right of the castle, I proceeded to the Long Library. It is there that the Master Librarian resided, should the grape vine whisperings have been correct. It had also been suggested that he would help me, for a price of course, by offering exclusive items and tactics for the journey ahead. To reach this helpful soul I would be required to traverse more corridors and these would be lined with enchanted spell books that would attack ad hoc and rows of headless swordsmen wielding rapiers. Thankfully, I managed to obtain one of these fallen warriors’ weapons and this made short work of any advancing enemies. My health was still hazardously depleted so I decided it was time to tuck into my pot roast. Rejuvenated, I stepped up to the bearded prophet and demanded his assistance.


“It’s been a long time old one”

I commenced the banter, even though I had never seen this sorry sack of dicks before in my life.

“Master Alucard. What do you need? You know I simply cannot aid one who opposes the Master”

He certainly seemed to know me and wasn’t about to help me without first having his pockets lined.

“I need your help and am prepared to pay you handsomely for your trouble”

“Well, why didn’t you just say that? Tell me Master Alucard, what is it you need?”

While tempted to request a quick blow job, his beard would have likely have aggravated my dick skin so I perused his wares instead and restocked on potions, in exchange for a few useless trinkets and gem stones I had accrued thus far. I was now fully prepared for the journey ahead, Dracula was about to meet his match and that Maria chick was in line for a sound fisting for giving me the brush-off earlier. Moreover, I would free myself from these demonic shackles once and for all.


I ventured on and next up was a large, open space with an eerie view of mountains and swaying clouds. While this offered a welcome breather, it wasn’t long before I was back in tight confines. The Clock Tower was far less spacious and riddled with house gears, vicious spikes, and a new enemy that I had been dreading running into. I was all too familiar with the Harpy from my time perusing Greek literature and knew of the threat that it presented to those of weak will. You see mythology states that, while harpies look rather agreeable, at least from the neck upwards, they are not to be trusted under any circumstances and can make short work of the more easily led.


I’ve always been a sucker for a pretty face and had never before been serenaded so found the song of the siren rather agreeable and started to feel my resistance slacken. However, while these harpies bore an uncanny resemblance to Mila Kunis facially, I didn’t relish the prospect of going down on them and coming away with a mouthful of feathers so I slayed them where they hovered and pressed on. Maria was one thing but sex with a bird just didn’t appeal and, besides, I had a job to do, and something told me that I was getting close to the castle’s innermost sanctum and my proposed date with old evil eye himself.


Before I could arrive at my goal, I would be required to traverse a sprawling network of Underground Caverns and this place was far less than welcoming. Comprising icy walls and murky waters, it was decorated with all manner of perilous looking stalactites and stalagmites, all looking like they could drop on my head at any given moment. The personnel down here were far less easy on the eye than those cock-teasing harpies and I had never particularly desired receiving a hand job from anything with webbed fingers so my long sword remained sheathed as I began to navigate this subterranean cess pool. Fishheads and toads proved little obstruction, while the greatest threat posed appeared to be the mythical Syclla and her accompanying wyrms. To her credit, she got a fair few hits in before being slain, but I had more than enough pharmaceuticals left over from my transaction with the Librarian to patch myself up and no intention of making this squalid chamber my resting place.

Eventually and after accruing enough sludge and slime to ensure that a visit to the laundromat was necessitated once Dracula had been defeated, I arrived at my next location and the Royal Chapel was a far more serene set of coordinates, offering a welcome breather after all my exertions thus far. There would be a degree of legwork involved in traversing these holy grounds and the only way appeared to be up as I reached a tower full of huge bells and nothing other than dead ends as alternatives. At the summit, I entered the Chapel proper and it was nothing if not ornate. Row upon row of pews and meticulously designed stained glass windows surrounded me but there was only one thing here of interest and it was situated at the far side. A confessional booth – it had been years since my last confession and I decided that, should I wish to rid this castle of its infernal curse, then I would be required to relinquish any emotional baggage first. I couldn’t hope to defeat evil with all that cumbersome guilt weighing me down so I pulled the curtain, took my seat, and prepared to wash some dirty linen.


“Bless me father for I have sinned. It has been thirty years since my last confession”

Nothing. Call me deluded but I was pretty sure that this was supposed to be a two-way deal.


Was this thing on? How could I possibly be forgiven for my numerous discrepancies if no bastard was prepared to listen?

“Why did you miss Mass?”

Finally. You can’t get the staff these days.

“I’ve had a bout of flu”


Okay, perhaps this would have been easier as a solo exercise.

“It was man flu”

“That explains it. Please, proceed my son”

“Right then, where do I begin? I guess masturbation is a sin right?”

“A partially heinous one yes. Our father frowns upon such acts of self-defillation”

“I thought as much. Does frequency matter?”

“Dear lord. How many times?”

“Only once”

“That’s forgivable I suppose”

“Once since I have been in this confessional booth”

“Excuse me”

“Don’t worry, I mopped it up”

“Say five Our Fathers for your penance”

“That’s not all. While I’m here right?”

“Carry on”

“I have been having some impure thoughts about this chick called Maria I ran into earlier”

“You must resist temptation. It is the devil’s work”

“But she has delightful tits and I’m pretty sure she would give a mean blow job”

“I see”

“Listen, I’m going to level with you Priest. If I see her on my path ahead, she’s going to get it, wrath of God or no wrath of God. I have needs you know”

“Filthy, wretched little needs”

“Granted, they aren’t the most holy”

“Then why tell me if you have no intention of fighting these urges?”

“I figured you would give me a few Hail Marys and we’d be quits”

“Regrettably, that isn’t how it works here”

“I’ve seen enough confession in my time. I admit my imperfections and you grant me absolution right?”

“Not in this particular booth”

“What do you mean?”

“Your punishment here is far more severe”

“Can we start over?”

“Too late Alucard”

Hold up a minute. I never told him my name.

“I’m afraid you must pay with your life”

“Isn’t that a touch harsh? I thought our father was the forgiving type”

“He is. But, in case you haven’t noticed, you’re in Dracula’s castle and God has absolutely no place here”

“Then you’re not a registered member of the clergy?”

“You cotton on quick”

Holy shit burgers. I’d been stymied. This was no regular confessional booth and, moreover, whoever was perched at the other side of the grate was clearly an imposter. I leapt to my feet, exited the booth, and opened the adjacent curtain to find out what the hell was going on.

“It’s you!”


Just as I thought. It was Death. Dracula’s right hand man had managed to pull the wool over my eyes and I had fallen for the oldest trick in the book.

“Indeed it is me and now you shall die peasant”

Not on my watch I wouldn’t. I already knew how I would meet my end and it didn’t involve this bony cretin.

“Have at you Death”

I drew my long sword and plunged it deep into his rib-cage. To my bemusement, this proved anything but decisive.

“You foolish mortal. You think I will succumb to such a painfully predictable attack? I am Death you moron”

Time for a swift rethink. On the plus side, the fact that our paths had crossed again suggested that I was getting close to my hard target. However, how does one banish a demon who has long since breathed his last breath?

“Time for your pilgrimage to draw to a close Alucard. I would love to say that it has been fun but, in truth, I’m sick of the sight of you. Besides, I’ve got my own plans for Maria and a special bone that I plan to introduce to her once I’ve dealt with you. You ready to suffer eternally?”

“Not while there is breath in my body”

“Then, for the Master, I’ll feast on your soul this night!”

It was on. Death hovered menacingly before me and wasted no time in revealing his weapon. The Reaper’s scythe was a fearful tool and, with my long sword proving ineffectual, the odds were heavily stacked against me. Quick thinking would be the key here and a fair share of fleetness of foot to evade his punishing swipes. True to form, he lunged with his elongated blade and made contact with my cuirass, slicing it clean in two and leaving me fretfully exposed.

“This won’t take long. I’ll be pounding Maria’s ovaries in no time”

“Like hell you will”

I reciprocated with an attack of my own and produced my holy musket from my cape of healing, firing three sacred rounds straight into his midriff.

“Your bullets cannot harm me. My wings are like a shield of steel”

“You stole that line from Batfink”

“It’s in the public domain”

“You really are a bastard aren’t you?”

“You wanna see bastard?”

“Do your worst”

Another scythe swipe and this time my health took a significant hit. One more like that and my quest would be over. Moreover, he would likely impregnate my beloved Maria with his pitiful progeny and I couldn’t let that happen on my watch. If there was to be any impregnation tonight, then it would be anointed rod doing the pillaging.

“This is too easy Alucard. Tell you what, I’ll turn my back and give you a free hit, just to show that I’m not all bad”

Now he was simply mocking me and my pride was all I had left now so I wasn’t about to let him get away with that. With his back turned, I frantically rifled through my inventory and there appeared no weapon capable of breaching his resistance. I was surely doomed. Then it happened. A brain wave. There was one item that I hadn’t yet considered and, while not guaranteed to work, other options were at a premium. You see, I had picked up a Justin Bieber album in the forest clearing before the drawbridge, presumably discarded by the last warrior who perished within the castle’s walls.

My initial consideration had been to shatter it into a thousand pieces but, with the drawbridge closing, I figured I would leave that pleasure until a later point. Moreover, next to the Chapel’s organ was a conveniently placed CD player and accompanying sub woofer. It was a long shot for sure, but just ludicrous enough that it might work so I dashed over, covered my ears, and pressed play.


“What the…”

To my astonishment, it worked. Death may have been impervious to traditional attacks but he had no defense against Justin.

“Bieber? Noooooo!”

“You want me to turn it up for you?”

“Please don’t. I plead that you don’t”

“Too bad bonehead. I’m not feeling all that charitable you see”

I raised the volume by another couple of notches and adjusted the Graphic Equalizer for that additional bass boost.

“Argh! This can’t be”

“Not a Belieber then?”

“I hate the little punk”

“Well Death. You may be my sworn enemy but it appears that we have found some common ground. Who knows, under different circumstances, we could have been friends”

“I beg of you, please turn it off”

“No dice Death. Watch out, here comes the chorus”

With that, my once formidable foe was slain and all that was left was a pile of dusty bones and an imploded skull-cap. Feeling utterly jubilant, I promptly pressed pause before Bieber could claim another victim and departed the Chapel with an additional spring in my stride. My health was perilously low so I guzzled any remaining potions and took a well-earned breather while I pondered my next move. Dracula was close, I could smell his unholy halitosis and I still had unfinished business with Maria to attend to now that my main adversary to her affections had been dealt with. When you consider how much I had been through thus far, it seemed only right that she surrender the fanny. I wasn’t averse to a sympathy fuck at this point as it had to be better than fending off the legions of the damned at every turn.


My next port of call was the Colosseum and it was here that Dracula came for his entertainment. At its hub was a gladiatorial ring, with his throne in the center and a myriad of other seats for spectators to cheer on the festivities. This had to be the place. All signs pointed to a final battle and, having sent Death packing, I was as ready as I would ever be to gain myself some closure. However, it was way too quiet for my liking and I had a niggling feeling that this was to be the calm before the storm. So where were the enemies? Surely he would have a welcome party planned. They had to be hiding somewhere, preparing for their sneak attack.

“Show yourself Dracula. I am ready”

Perhaps he was sleeping. Or maybe he had seen what I did to his main henchman and thought better of trifling with me. The silence was deafening and I felt more vulnerable than ever, waiting for the inevitable sucker punch to land. However, when I eventually spotted a figure approaching from the shadows, it was far too shapely to belong to the Count.

“Hello Alucard”


Maria. Well call me Mavis and I’ll knit you a sweater and pair of matching mittens. What a sight for sore loins.

“Why hello there madam. I have to say, I wasn’t expecting to see your child-bearing hips any time soon”

“I saw what you did to Death”

“Yes. He simply had to go”

“Thank you. I’ve been trying to get rid of him for months now. Won’t take no for an answer that one”

“You’re telling me. He informed me of his plans to plunder your fortress”

“Such a deluded ghoul. I wouldn’t sleep with him if he was the last skeleton on earth. Besides, I’ve been saving myself for a real man”

“Pray tell”

“You know. Someone who was prepared to fight for my honor. A man with scruples, integrity and a ten-inch cock”

Well two out of three wasn’t bad.

“Alas, I can only offer six but it is rather thick”

“Well I guess that will have to do then won’t it?”


This was my cue. Once again, those ruby lips parted and it appeared there was only one thing left to do. I had earned my right to a kiss from this fair maiden and Dracula could wait for six-and-a-half minutes give or take while I embarked on an altogether more pleasurable pilgrimage to the center of her yoghurt mound.

“I take it you have protection Alucard?”

Fiddlesticks. I consulted my inventory and it appeared that there was one thing I hadn’t packed prior to my expedition. Fucking condoms, the bane of my existence.

“Erm…I could pull out?”

“That simply won’t do I’m afraid. You have traversed the Underground Caverns on your travels yes?”

Lie Alucard. Lie.

“I may have passed through there briefly”

Curse my wretched honesty. I never was very good at lying.

“There are all manner of diseases knocking about down there. I’m afraid I just cannot chance it”

“Give me a break Maria. I’m clean as a whistle, promise”

“Chlamydia isn’t easy to spot you know”

“Just a quickie. I’ll be in and out before you know it”

“Sorry Alucard. Tell you what, as you have been so courageous up until now, and ridded me of that petulant Death fellow, I’ll grant you a hand job. How’s that for compromise?”

I considered my options and the idea of engaging in battle with the burden of all unspent semen weighing me down was not particularly becoming.

“You’ve got yourself a deal”

Fuck it. It was better than a slap in the face with a haddock right? Coitus was clearly no longer on the menu so the next best thing would have to do. I unzipped my fly and she came good on her oath, massaging my member until which time as the inevitable knee trembles came a knocking and the dam burst.

“There you go Alucard. I’m a woman of my word. I trust this has been everything you hoped for”

“Well. Not quite everything but thanks very much anyhoots”

With that, Maria was gone and I was back staring at the thankless task at hand. Count Dracula had to be around here somewhere and I was now ready to do what I came here to do. The only place left to explore was the Castle Keep and it was here that I would locate his throne room and surely old evil eye himself. I procrastinated not in entering the final leg of my pilgrimage and, when a daunting crescent moon made an appearance in a dark purple sky full of blazing clouds, I knew I was on the right path. Surrounded by animalistic statues and the like, I had finally arrived at my destination and my host wasted no time in making his presence known.

“You have done well in making it this far”


“Count Dracula”

“Very perceptive Alucard. Indeed, it is I. Am I everything you hoped?”

“Funny. Maria just asked me a similar question”

“Yes, I witnessed that little episode. What a cock tease”

“I know right? I didn’t want to say anything but she could have put out after all that foreplay”

“Women. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them”

“You know, you’re not so bad Dracula. Perhaps I have been a tad hasty after all”

“Let’s not get it twisted. I’m your worst fucking nightmare and you are about to pay a sum most princely for trespassing in my inner sanctum this night”

“I see. It’s like that is it?”

“Yes Alucard it is. You didn’t really believe we would become the best of friends did you?”

“I guess not. I was just hoping that you might reconsider”

“Foolish child. I have only one desire and that is to drain every last drop of lifeforce from your pitiful shell. Anything less just wouldn’t be Dracula now would it?”

“So what are you waiting for then? I’m right here, do your very worst you blood sucking freak”

“Sticks and stones. How tiresome. And don’t even think of pulling that Justin Bieber shit as I happen to be something of a Belieber myself”

“Curses. What about Miley Cyrus?”

“Wrecking Ball was such a catchy number”

“Okay then, brawn it is”

Castlevania .Symphony.of.the.Night.full.1196882

No more small talk. This was only ever going to end in skirmish and I think I already knew that deep down. You cannot reason with evil as it knows no remorse and Count Dracula was evidently bad to the very bone. Conventional weapons would likely prove ineffectual here and I would need my wits about me if I were to stand any chance of emerging victorious from this particular scuffle.

“Dracula. Die now, and leave this world! You’ll never belong here!”

“Oh, but this world invited me. Your own kind called me forth with praise and tribute”

“Tribute? You’re a thief. You steal men’s souls, their freedom…”

“Freedom is always sacrificed to faith, good hunter. Or are you truly here by choice?”

“All I’m here for is you. To hell with your heresy! You’re nothing but a blight on mankind”

“Ha! Mankind. A cesspit of hatred and lies. Fight for them, then, and die for their sins!”

The first blow belonged to Dracula and knocked the wind straight from my sails as I struggled to remain vertical.

“Is that all you’ve got?”

“Plucky one aren’t you? Let’s see how you cope with my next attack”

“Do your worst”

“As you wish”

I had forgotten that Dracula could shape shift at will and it is not an easy endeavor punching mist so I was forced to re-evaluate quick smart.

“You are no match for me. I am more powerful than you could ever imagine”

“Is that so? Then show yourself and stop playing these childish games. I wish to fight you man to man”

“But you haven’t seen my bat form yet. I promise, it’s a doozy”

“Bat schmat. Show yourself you coward”

“Excuse me”

“You heard me. What’s wrong, are you yellow?”

“How dare you speak to me like that. Who do you think you are?”

“I am Alucard Belmont. Son of Richter and the last face you’ll see before being sent back to hell”

“Enough of this blasphemy. For your insolence, I shall make your end particularly agonizing”


Now I’d done it. This time, Dracula transformed into something far less benign. A twelve-foot hell fiend with snapping jaws and talons that could tear a grown man to shreds with a simple side swipe. However, what my adversary had failed to consider was that I had come tooled up for this particular showdown and was about to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat thanks to my Holy Glasses. These bifocals were far more than your simple prescription shades and afforded me with exclusive sight that revealed his sole weakness. A tiny orb, floating to his left, was his Achilles Heel and any attacks performed would need to be concentrated on this alone. Body blows would bear no fruit but a single strike to said orb would turn the tide in my favor.

My long sword would have insufficient reach to make it past his burly frame and I was all out of suiroken too but there was one item left in my inventory that could still save the day and, while Dracula was immune to the wretched crooning of Justin Bieber, his CD made for a rather delightful throwing weapon. I lobbed it at the orb and, to my considerable relief, hit the target dead center.



“This cannot be”

“In the words of Bieber, I’m sorry. However, this is where your story ends Dracula”


With a sudden flash of overwhelming light, the orb shattered into a thousand pieces and victory was, indeed, mine. Against all conceivable odds, I had emerged triumphant and the ordeal was finally over. All that was left of my once formidable foe was a sorry pile of ash and the world was now free of his curse once and for all. Of course, I still had to find my way out of this infernal place and didn’t relish retracing my steps after so much blood, sweat and tears. However, as I reached into my pocket for the obligatory celebratory chewing gum, my hand glanced across something that perked me up no end. A packet of three Trojan condoms, ribbed for extra pleasure, and still in their seal. Granted, they were out of date by a good three months or so, but I was more than prepared for that to be my little secret. What better way to wind down after such a colossal battle than with some good old-fashioned doggy style coitus with a certain dame who was clearly gagging for it?

“Maria? Oh Maria. I’ve got a little something for you. I shall give you a clue, it’s six-inches long, has one eye, and is about to provide you with six-and-a-half minutes of pleasure you will never forget”


Click here to read 8 Bits of Terror: The Pixel Massacre





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