Suggested Audio Jukebox

[1] No Doubt “Spiderwebs”

[2] System of a Down “Spiders”

[3] Cage The Elephant “Black Widow”

 

Sodding curds and whey. I’m sick of this rancid sludge. Just once I’d like mother to prepare me a nice greasy quarter pounder and fries but she is insistent on me eating this gloop instead. Says it’ll go to my straight hips and no man will want to go near me. Well I’ve got news for you mom, I’m twenty-five and still a virgin so I’m not altogether convinced your approach is working. It’s alright for her, she took a vow of celibacy after pops left, and I wouldn’t be surprised if her vagina sealed itself back up years ago. But I hear that women reach the peak of their sexual prowess at twenty-six and the suitors aren’t exactly lining up to shatter my hymen. Indeed, the closest I have come to having my cherry popped is some philandering arachnid who tried to put the moves on me last spring. Now call me pedantic, but his legs were too hairy for my liking. I know I’m hardly in a position to be choosy but even I have my limits. Besides, I didn’t like the way he was running his twelve eyes over me. Had I caved in to his request, then he likely would have tainted the whole sexual experience for me indefinitely. Thus I scarpered before he could spin me a yarn.

However, in hindsight, perhaps I was a tad hasty in my retreat. Granted, he wasn’t quite the dashing prince I have dreamed about since childhood, but he did show a genuine interest. At first I thought it was the curds and whey he was after but, when I returned to my tuffet the next morning, he hadn’t so much as touched them. I previously wanted my first time to be special but gave up with that quest a long time ago. Right now, I’d take whatever I could cram between my thighs. While it may have been hard to envisage any future between us, he may have been a gentle lover. Chances like that have been few and far between for me and I guess I’ll never know one way or another now. What I’d give to travel back in time and do things differently. I think that is what niggles me most, insufficient closure. It could have been a disaster waiting to happen but at least I could move on with my life. Instead, I find myself fantasizing over him each night when I lay down to sleep. It’s funny how we can regret something that seemed like such a shrewd decision at the time. If he were here now, I’d have my panties at half mast before he could sit down beside me. I guess some things just aren’t meant to be.

Eventually I had enough of moping around all forlorn and decided it was time to get pro-active. Dating sites had never much interested me beforehand and I’d heard all sorts of horror stories about first dates gone awry so felt reluctant to sign up at first. However, living out in the countryside miles away from anywhere isn’t the best way to find yourself a significant other and I figured I had nothing to lose from giving it a shot. Creating a profile was easy enough and I chose a photo that highlighted my best assets and played down all others. You see, I have been graced with ample bosom, and I hear that men love nothing more than a dash of cleavage to get their motors running. I read once that it is all about how you sell yourself and, should that entail pimping my plump breasts out to the highest bidder, then so be it. It all appeared to be going swimmingly at the start and soon I had a list as long as my arm of potential love interests. However, there was one in particular that stood out from the crowd and I had a good feeling about him. We engaged in any necessary small talk and things appeared to be developing into something far more serious than simple flirtation. It even went as far as arranging a meeting and, after my last romantic escapade, I accepted his invitation willingly.

Of course, I was fully aware of the pitfalls of this kind of endeavor so opted for a busy restaurant in a particularly well-populated part of town for our chosen rendezvous. For two whole weeks prior to our date, I was floating on air, and could barely contain my excitement any longer by the time April 1st finally arrived. I even got mother to do my hair in ringlets and purchased a brand new pinafore especially for the big occasion. Considering he was travelling over 300 miles to meet up, it didn’t particularly needle me that was running fashionably late. However, closing time was pushing it I felt. Four hours I waited there patiently and that equates to 240 minutes of looking like an absolute bag of spanners. Actually I’m reasonably assured that my bust turned a fair few heads but, fool that I am, I stuck to my guns and trusted that my knight in shining armor would come bounding in and whisk me straight off of my feet. He didn’t. I returned home utterly crestfallen and logged in to my account to check for any correspondence but there was nothing, not so much as a single apology. Worse still, he blocked my account the very next day and I never heard from him again. Three weeks later I terminated my membership and resigned myself to the fact that I was destined to become a lonely old spinster. It just didn’t seem worth all the heartache.

Now look what has happened. I’ve been so wrapped up in the woe is me routine that my curds and whey have gone stone cold. Nothing angers mother more than when her cooking goes to waste and I dare not go back inside until every last drop has been polished off. Part of me just wants to dispose of this tasteless grunge in the nearby primrose bush but she has eyes like a hawk that one and makes a habit of spying on me from the kitchen window. The last thing I need right now is a lecture as I’m already feeling wretched enough without that old gas-bag rattling on incessantly about how ungrateful I am. I guess the best thing to do would be to chow down before it begins to look any less appealing. What I’d give for a Doner kebab with trimmings right now. Who cares if I put on a ton of weight? Nobody would give a solitary hoot if I died right here on my tuffet. I can see the inscription on my tombstone now – HERE LIES LITTLE MISS MUFFET IN CASE YOU WERE EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTED! I’d give anything and more besides to be noticed just once.

“Alright gorgeous”

Was that just me? Am I hearing things? Tell me I’m not losing the plot here. Could that have actually been…interaction?

“So I’ll just talk to myself then yeah, that how it works?”

You heard that right? Looks like my prayers have been answered after all. There is a God. Play it cool Muffet, don’t turn around just yet. The last thing you want to do is come across needy.

“Great. A fucking mime artist”

“Hello”

“She speaks. Will miracles never cease?”

“I didn’t mean to appear rude”

“Whatever”

“No. Really. I’m just a little shy is all”

“Well you know what they say about the shy ones don’t ‘cha?”

“No. I don’t believe I’ve heard that”

“Gagging for it”

“I beg your pardon”

“What, am I talking fucking Hebrew? Secretly they all love the cock”

“You’ll have to excuse me, I’m not over-familiar with urban slang. Cock you say? You mean cockerel right or am I way off base here?”

“Of course I do. Shy girls are rather partial to roosters. That’s exactly what I was driving at. Christ, it’s a good job you have a half tidy rack on you”

“You’ve lost me I’m afraid”

“Never mind. The moment has passed now”

“Have I said something to upset you?”

“Never been happier love”

“Can we start again?”

“More importantly, are you gonna put out or am I pissing in the wind here?”

“Put out?”

“Forget it. I think I’ll head on back to the web and have a wank instead”

“Web you say?”

“Yeah web. Do I look like I could afford the mortgage on a quaint little two bedroom rural cottage?”

I wouldn’t know as I’ve been too cowardly to show my face yet. However, unless I’m mistaken, it sounds decidedly like he may be a spider. Could it really be him? Last time he never uttered a solitary word so I have precious little to go on. I’m a little perturbed by how rough and ready he appears; I may be desperate to find love but is it too much to ask for a girl to be swept off her feet just once in a lifetime? If it is him then I’ll finally have been granted my wish. Mother always says not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I guess that extends to a particularly filthy one too.

“Gone again. Wank it is then”

“No wait”

“Sweet cheeks, were you aware that a spider such as I has an average life expectancy of two years? That means I’ve been here for nearly two hours already in spider minutes and I haven’t even been granted a hand job”

“So you are a spider then?”

“You cotton on fast. What gave me away? Was it the fact that I’M A FUCKING SPIDER?! Perhaps if you weren’t such an ignorant bitch, you’d have sussed that one out by now and I’d be smashing your back door in”

“Please don’t. Mother just painted it”

“Give me strength”

“If I turn around, will you promise to be a little more civil?”

“You’re absolutely right. I’ve acted out of turn and can but offer my most humble apologies”

“You mean that?”

“Yeah. Yeah. So how’s about it then?”

“I think I’m ready”

[UNDER BREATH] “Ready for me to blast your asshole wide open”

“Excuse me?”

“Just thinking out loud”

“Okay. Here goes”

“Praise the lord”

I’ve never felt as nervous as I do right now. This could be my one chance of finding true love and I pray that my hunch is correct. Who cares if he’s a little on the brash side, it’s nothing a few elocution lessons couldn’t fix. The main thing is that he appears interested in taking this to the next level and that’s one level further than I’ve ever been before. Perhaps he’ll soften up a little after intercourse. Please let this be the one.

“Dicks don’t pull themselves you know”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You must think badly of me”

“Nah. I’ve got plenty of time to burn”

I believe he is becoming disgruntled. It would be just typical if he scurried away before we get to consummate our relationship. I guess it would serve me right for leaving him hanging last time. No more stalling. It is now or it is never. I hope mother isn’t watching. She would likely disapprove of my selection as she is petrified of arachnids. I have to say, they’re not usually my bag either but, if memory serves, there was something about this particular spider that seemed different. Okay. On three. One…two…three.

“It is you”

“The one and only. Sorry, have we met before?”

“Yes we have. Don’t you remember? I certainly remember you”

“I’m getting nothing. Were you that chick in Two Girls, One Cup?”

“I’m not following you”

“Why do I even bother? So are we all done with the catching up then?”

“Actually I feel that an apology is in order”

“I’m not all that hot on sorries”

“Not you silly. Me. You see, this time last year you sat down beside me and caught me a little off-guard so it frightened me away”

“Hold on a second. That was you?”

“You do remember then?”

“Vaguely. I remember some fragrant prick tease leading me on before running off to mommy”

“I told you I’m shy. Not that I’m excusing my behavior”

“Listen, I forgive you, or at least I will if you put down that putrid porridge and bend over the tuffet”

“It’s curds and whey actually”

“Whatever. Just sling that slop and open your legs”

“Mother wouldn’t approve. She hates it when I waste food”

“That’s it. I’ve had it”

“Please don’t go Mr. Spider. At least without telling me your name”

“Yeah right. So you can chase me up for alimony payments. Do I look like a sucker for punishment?”

“I’ll go first if it helps. My name is Mathilda Magdalene Muffet but mother calls me Little Miss. Your turn”

“John Doe”

“That’s funny. You don’t look like a John”

“How can I not look like a John for fuck’s sake? Know many Johns do you?”

“Well there’s John the baker’s son who delivers our weekly loaf”

“Why do I bother? Okay, if it’s going to speed up this agonizing ordeal, then the name is Incy”

“That seems far more plausible”

“Of course it does”

“Incy who?”

“Jesus, do you want my social security number too? Incy Wincy. Satisfied now?”

“No middle name?”

“Yeah. Hurry the fuck up and spread ’em slag”

“Do you mind if I call you Incy?”

“Listen, you can call me Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi if you do so while tossing my salad”

“Okay Incy. So where do we go from here then?”

“Duh! Haven’t I made that blatantly obvious already?”

“You want to make love don’t you?”

“Well I wouldn’t have put it like that but if the slipper fits”

“How would you put it?”

“I’d be ever so grateful if you’d allow me to pound that pussy ’til it rasps”

“Is it too much to ask for you to be just a touch more romantic?”

“Perhaps we have our wires crossed here. You do wanna get laid right?”

“I want to be swept off my feet. I want to be treated like a princess. I want to feel special. I want, more than anything in this world, to be loved Incy”

“I can do that”

“Really? You’re ready to embark on our new life together. Forsake all others and commit yourself eternally to our relationship?”

“Sure thing. Now whip ’em down and make it sexy”

“You’re not just telling me what I want to hear are you?”

“Me? No! Whatever gave you that idea?”

“You just seem in such a rush to sleep with me and I wanted my first time to mean something”

“You’re a virgin?”

“Pure as a lily is white”

“Get the fuck out of here. With those tits?”

“Have never found the right person”

“Well I wish you would have divulged that information at the start”

“Why? Does it bother you?”

“Bother me? How old are you?”

“Twenty-five”

“And you’re still a virgin? You masturbate regularly though I take it?”

“Never tried it. Mother says it is immoral”

“This just gets better and better”

“How so?”

“Have you ever heard the term gusher?”

“Can’t say I have. What does it mean?”

“Look it up later. For now, let’s see the wares”

“You want me to strip for you?”

“Bingo!”

“I’m not sure. I’m a little body conscious”

“Would it help if I said that you could have a beard and a beer gut right now and I’d still be up for feeding you my length?”

“You first”

“Erm. News flash. I’m a spider. Bit short on the old linen front”

“So it’s all on me then?”

“Uh huh”

Heavens above. I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this and in full view of the cottage no less. Mother is going to be so ashamed of me but, bizarrely enough, I’m starting to feel a stirring deep inside at the prospect of being caught in the act. A quarter of a century of pent-up sexual frustration will wreak havoc with a girl’s lady like decorum. The truth is, despite Incy’s lack of tact or anything even distantly resembling etiquette, I have never felt so utterly invigorated. Perhaps I have a secret thing for bad boys. There’s plenty of time for romance to blossom but, right now, I’d take a hot sweaty screw on this very tuffet. I can’t actually believe I just said that. Could it be that I’m actually a freak?

“Growing old here. Just saying”

“Okay. Get ready to have your mind blown”

“Blown you say? Now you’re talking my language”

“Incy, I’m about to rock your world”

“Now you’ve got my undivided interest. Tell me what you’re going to do you frisky little Fräulein you”

“Well first I’m going to unbutton my pinafore like this and remove this horribly restrictive corset”

“There is a God”

“You like what you see?”

“They’ll do. Now let’s see the muff Muffet”

“That’s Little Miss Muffet to you, you filthy little spider”

“You dark horse”

“The darkest. I want you to beg. Get down on your knees and plead for that pussy”

“About those knees”

“Enough of your insolence you vacuous little vagabond. I’m in charge now and I happen to think you’d look good over my knee”

“Whatever you say mistress. Panties down time? Just a suggestion”

“You’re desperate aren’t you?”

“Yes mistress. Totally beside myself”

“Fair enough. If it’s pussy you crave, then the least I can do is to show you how my garden grows”

“Ten bucks on full bush”

“Wrong. Are you planning to pay by cash or cheque?”

“Well shiver me timbers. Smooth as a nectarine”

“And twice as succulent I assure you”

“Please mistress, may I take a closer inspection?”

“Not until I’m good and ready you won’t. I’m in control here, you’re just a filthy little creep with precious little in the way of decorum”

“I am indeed mistress”

“Silence you cretin. You’ll speak when you’re spoken to and not before”

“Sorry”

“You will be sorry. Now I want you to bend over the tuffet”

“Come again”

“You heard me. Spread ’em spider”

“There appears to be a little confusion over how this works”

“How very dare you question me!”

“May I address you mistress?”

“Make it snappy”

“You appear to be lacking the correct hardware for such a transaction”

“So you’d think”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean take a look at this bad boy”

[GULP] “Where did you get that?”

“Mother’s closet. Tell you what, I’ll dip it in this curds and whey to grease it up prior to entry”

“You’re not seriously thinking of…”

“What? Smashing your back door in as you so eloquently put it?”

“Erm. Yeah that”

“For starters yes”

“Starters?”

“You know what they say about shy girls don’t you Incy?”

“They need a good head doctor?”

“We’re positively gagging for it”

“So I suppose missionary is out of the question?”

“Fuck missionary. I’m going to rock your little world Incy Wincy”

“Curses. I’ve only gone and bagged myself a live one”

“You really should be careful what you wish for”

“I’m starting to understand that now. Call it a lesson learned. Crumbs, is that the time?”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing mistress. Honestly”

“You’re backing away aren’t you?”

“Wouldn’t dream of it mistress”

“Don’t lie to me. You’re all talk spider. When it comes to the crunch, you bottle it”

“I’m just keeping the circulation flowing”

“No you’re not. You’re defying me”

“Look over there. That has to be the largest squirrel I’ve ever seen”

“Huh?”

“Six o’clock. Over by the willow tree”

What is he blathering on about? I see no squirrel. There’s nothing there but…hold on a cotton picking minute. Wretched swine. Can’t believe I fell for the oldest trick in the book. I must have mug written all over my face.

“Incy? INCY? You get back here or I swear to God”

Well that is just fucking fantastic. Finally it looks like some action is on the cards and he runs to the hills the moment I produce a strap-on. Perhaps I came on a tad strong but that still doesn’t excuse his behavior. That’s it. I’ve had it with spiders. Never again will I fall into such a web of lies. Now what do I do? The curds and whey seems to have solidified and I’m left here once again looking like a moron. It’s a real shame as I really fancied trying on that strap-on. One moment. Who is that I spot sniffing around my tuffet? A caterpillar no less. Well beggars can’t be choosers I guess.

“Hello there little fellow”

“Don’t mind me. I’m just passing through”

“I’ll be the judge of that”

[GULP] “Is that what I think it is?”

“What’s wrong? You shy?”

“Erm. A touch timid yes”

“Perfect. We should get along famously then”

“Look over there. That has to be the largest squirrel I’ve ever seen”

 

Click here to read An Evening With Frogger