Suggested Audio Jukebox ♫
 Kaiser Chiefs “I Predict A Riot”
 Ugly Duckling “Smack”
 Queen “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”
 D12 “Fight Music”
 De La Soul “Me Myself and I”
I’ve never been the violent type. Indeed, over the course of my entire life, I have only raised my hand in anger on a fistful of occasions. There are far better ways to settle your differences than with violence and I don’t condone it one iota. With that in mind, here is a list of ten faces I’d like to punch. I know right? Talk about hypocritical. Whatever happened to a stern warning or the good old-fashioned finger wag? Alas, certain crimes are too heinous for a severe dressing down and the following list names and shames these repeat offenders. You may not agree with my choices and, should that be the case, then I’ll punch you too. Just kidding, I’ll do no such thing. Truth be known, I probably couldn’t clench my fist at them either, but that doesn’t mean we cannot have a laugh at their expense. Fret not as every last one of them bar one is deserving of their place on this list, see if you can guess the red herring in advance. Tell you what, when you see this face…
…that’s your clue. So I guess we should get this fight underway then. Needless to say, I feel that we should get any pipsqueaks out-of-the-way first. Any guesses who that may be Grueheads?
Twenty-two years ago, a child was born. I’m sure he was a handsome baby, no doubt the apple of his parents’ eyes. Indeed, it was all going so well until puberty. For some reason, of which will never be clear, Justin Bieber was informed that he had some game. Usher is lucky he made the horrifyingly catchy Pop Ya Collar as he would have made this list too otherwise, just for encouraging young Justin to make something of himself. When he should have been working part-time at McDonald’s drive thru, this petulant little scamp was gathering millions of YouTube hits and becoming an overnight phenomenon. Ordinarily I’m not one to knock an aspiring artist for committing themselves to the cause but, in Bieber’s case, I just wish he’d got an XBox for his birthday as opposed to an ego. Suddenly he was Billy Big Bollocks and no corner of the earth was safe from his infectious blend of R&B and pop. I do hope you note the sarcasm in that last sentence. Anyhoots, Justin struggled to cope with the fame, getting himself in all kinds of hot water as he attempted to make the transition from boy to man. Bless him, he is still trying. While he may now think twice about upsetting the Polish, urinating in a mop bucket, flashing his junk at his grandmother, or comparing himself to Kurt Cobain, he still has a face that would look great on the end of my knuckles.
After such a shoo-in for a sound thrashing, I’m at a bit of a loss for our next thump dummy. I mean, can humans actually get any more brain bleedingly annoying than the Bieber? It’s a tough act to follow for sure but sanitarium director and general fall-guy Frederick Chilton from NBC’s Hannibal series certainly runs the little cunt close. To be fair, for all of his arrogance and less than vague air of superiority, it would make just as much sense adopting him as it would beating him to a bloody pulp and then doing so again so you can force him through a colander. You see, Chilton’s wonderful range of facial expressions alone make him strangely adorable and, given that the nicest thing that happens to him during the course of the show is to have a number of his “less vital organs” removed, it’s nigh-on impossible not to feel a twinge of sympathy for the poor fella. That being said, lock me in a room with Chilton for ten minutes straight and he’d exit in a doggie bag. Still, you just have to love him. Speaking of affection, Hannibal is hands-down the most compulsive and affecting piece of celluloid ever to grace our screens and I implore you all to do the legwork as you will not be regretting it. Just go easy on Chilton as let’s just say he doesn’t get an easy ride. And give him a kidney punch for Keeper. Sorry Frederick, sore subject?
I’m on shaky ground here as Mr. Slice is known to have something of a back-hander on him and I wouldn’t fancy running into him in a dark alley. That said, it only seems fair that he have a punch or two coming to him after all of the faces he’s pummelled over the years. He could have made a name for himself as an Isaac Hayes impersonator but, instead, he threw his weight around at every opportunity and inspired a whole nation of school yard ruffians in the process. There would be terms and conditions to me punching Kimbo in the face and the first would be that his hands were tied behind his back prior to engagement. I’m under no illusion that he would kick my raggedy white ass all over the block but, should he be suitably restrained, then I’m assured that I could come out top. Of course, I’d still have to watch out for the Kimbo Headbutt but I’d distribute my blow by way of drive-by. Tie him to a lamp-post on the Lower East Side and I shall plant on his chin at 30/MPH and he’ll never know what hit him. That is, unless you lot spill the beans. Nobody likes a bully Kimbo; sooner or later what goes around may just come back your way. Someone is going to tell me that he does heaps of charity work now and make me feel like an utter bastard.
Krishnan Guru Murthy
This cretin may not be terribly familiar with you so allow me to enlighten you as to why Krishnan is cruising for a bruising. He is an English journalist which immediately ruffles my feathers as we have some real rancid reporters in the U.K. and any number of them could have made this list. However, none have riled me quite as thoroughly as he. I get that it is his job to ask hardline questions and our politicians deserve every last bit of cross-sectioning as they’re all similarly lacking in scruples. What really yanked my crank was the approach he adopted when interviewing Quentin Tarantino for the upcoming U.K. release of Django Unchained. What was supposed to be all in the name of publicity, suddenly became something far darker, as Krishnan couldn’t resist going for the old cheap shot. I wonder how many times Tarantino has had to defend his decision to make his movies violent. Twenty-years ago that shit was relevent and he was only too happy to justify himself. Now it’s just played out and a conniving attempt at grabbing headlines which worked for all the wrong reasons. So what did Krishnan do recently? He interviewed Robert Downey Jr. and tried the same shit on him too. If you ask me, he got off lightly, as neither Tarantino or Downey Jr. gave him the satisfaction of filing a law suit against them. That said, I barely have two cents to rub together, so I’ll gladly do any dirty work on their behalf.
The Entire Houses of Parliament
I simply cannot single out any one U.K. politician as they are all as bad as one another. We are supposed to be aiming to make Great Britain an honorable and dignified nation and those responsible for running shit should be leading by example. So why is it that they spend most of their time name calling and attempting to make one another look ridiculous when they should be tackling the real issues facing us? If you have ever watched these charlatans in action during one of their heated debates, then you will be left feeling like you have returned to the school yard. They’re all shifty as assholes – privately educated, media trained gibbons who can sweet talk themselves out of any corner but will never once provide an honest answer to the real burning questions. Only one is exempt from this communal pounding and that is our Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, who is so utterly bonkers that you simply have to love him. Arnold Schwarzenegger thought he was a moron before he came to the U.K. and, ten minutes after primary introduction, they were riding bicycles together around our capital city, the very best of friends. As for the rest of them, prepare for a thorough pounding.
Professor Stephen Hawking CH, CBE, FRS, FRSA
I know what you’re thinking right now. I’ve clearly taken leave of my senses. After our last spoiled egg, how in the history of all things scientific could we possibly end up here? Remember that herring Grueheads and let me assure you that I have absolutely nothing but admiration for Professor Hawking and his contribution towards cosmology, quantum mechanics, and many other things I haven’t the vaguest clue about. Moreover, he has overcome so much, and is an inspiration to pretty much the entire world. Better yet, he has himself a sense of humor, and doesn’t take things too seriously, despite having every reason to do so. Ironically, Hawking would also make my list of 10 Hands I Would Love To Shake and is one of my favorite people on the planet. So why the blazes is he slumming it here with real irritants such as Bieber? Elementary my dear Watson. I would just get a kick out of hearing him say “Ouch!” Like I said, he’s great at seeing the funny side, and I’d buy him a milkshake with a crazy straw shaped like a shooting star directly afterwards.
Speaking of which, McDonald’s hooter is simply crying out for a bunch of fives. I am very aware that he is in’t actually a real person, thus the punch would be reserved for whomever stepped into his clown shoes on that particular day. However, I simply cannot overlook his fast food crimes. He looks like a jolly enough fellow right? Well so did John Wayne Gacy. The fact is, he can inflate all the balloon animals he likes, but the junk he peddles has a tendency of rotting you from the inside out. Why is it that I always end up with gut ache after a box of six McNuggets and large shake? I’ll tell you why. There is absolutely no nutritional value in anything on their wretched menu. Even a good old salad, widely considered as a vital component in our five-a-day, is packed with enough salt to give a buffalo a stroke. Ronald McDonald is nothing more than a smiling assassin and therefore fully deserving of one on the tip of his bright red honk ball. And as for the equally nefarious Colonel Sanders, you can count yourself lucky I’m feeling generous today as you’re a chicken wing away from joining him.
Once a gutter-press U.K. journalist culpable of pissing off everyone he possibly could, Piers inexplicably made a name for himself in the U.S. and made it his life’s work pissing everyone off Stateside too. He’s undeniably a smart cookie and quick-witted to boot, but there’s just something unplaceable about Morgan that makes me feel uneasy. In the history of shifty, few could claim to possess anything like his credentials, and he just strikes me as the kind of guy who would coerce you into spilling your innermost secrets, show compassion, wait until your back was turned, then plunge a serrated blade straight into your spleen. You can call this one a hunch as I have only that to go on when making this informed decision, but there is no smoke without fire and I can see a box of matches in his trouser pocket.
I simply cannot leave out my good friends, the Toons, as they have been an ever-present in my life since childhood. To be fair, this one is interchangeable with Tweety Pie, and may well have lost out had it not been for the fact that the little fella’s face simply isn’t large enough to punch. Thus, should I ever compile a list of 10 Faces I’d Like To Flick, Tweety Pie will be right at the summit alongside Jerry The Mouse. Here’s my reasoning for singling out this rocket-propelled ground cuckoo: I simply adore Wile E. Coyote. While fairly assured that he secretly loves the punishment, I spent my entire youth just begging for the tables to be turned and they never were. I always did root for the underdog which made cartoons such as this an incredibly frustrating affair. Wile E. Coyote shows so much ingenuity, works his paws to the bone attempting to come up with cunning new plans to bag himself the bird, and spends most of his time plummeting from cliff tops. Perhaps it is time to write A.C.M.E. a letter of grievance as I’m fairly assured that all of their products are defective. As for Road Runner, meep meep this motherfucker and I’ll see you at Thanksgiving bird brain.
That makes nine and this leaves me only one face left to punch. I’m still feeling positively wretched about Stephen Hawking but what’s done is done and, unless he comes up with a way to turn back time, I’ll just have to live with my decision. However, right now, there are more pressing concerns. Who could possibly be worthy of my final five-knuckled flurry? Glancing my eye over our list, it appears that all the chief irritants have been accounted for so, before I make my decision, let’s take a look at some also-rans. Sandra Bullock got off the hook for making Gravity and, to be fair, had no reason to find herself in such bogus company anyhoots. There is just something about her, the parts she takes, seldom is she in anything that interests me in the slightest. Should I ever meet Ms. Bullock, then I would have nothing mean to say, thus she has no place here. Similarly Steve Zahn is granted immunity. Despising him was all going so well until Rescue Dawn and, after watching him have his top box subtracted by katana, I felt a bona fide twinge of sadness. Your face is safe Steve, for the time being at least. Okay, I have made my decision. One more fist, one more face. And this one seems as poetic a parting shot as they come.
Me, Myself, I
Yes indeed. I would punch my own face and my reasoning is elementary. Never dish out what you are not prepared to receive yourself and always endeavor to lead by example. I have earned this black eye on account of compiling a list like this in the first place. I commenced our countdown by stating that I do not condone violence, in any shape or form. So what did I do? Land nine blows on those who have absolutely no form of retaliation. I therefore deserve whatever is coming to me and shall pucker up gladly. Have you ever punched yourself in the face? Tell you what, I’ll let you know how it feels. I just pray that I don’t piss myself off as the last thing I desire is to attempt to come between a good old-fashioned bar room brawl. I’m nothing if not committed to the cause, thus it is time to count myself down.
You punch like a sissy Keeper.
Richard Charles Stevens
Keeper of The Crimson Quill
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