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Tina Turner We Don’t Need Another Hero
I’ve put myself under considerable pressure with that title. You see, there are over seven billion people on our planet and likely over five billion of those devote more time to superheroes than I. The statistics make for shameful reading and, of all the Marvel extravaganzas to have surfaced over the past decade, I’ve watched barely a leper’s handful. It’s not that I have anything against our caped crusaders, simply that their timing was all off-kilter. You see, when Superman was flying high above our great city, I was snorkeling the channel reef in search of the elusive Jaws. I discovered horror at around the same time and Leatherface seemed far cooler as, not only did he sport a face made entirely of human flesh, but he knew where to wear his underwear. They were doomed from the start as I was way too far gone to give a hoot and a holler about their “special powers”. So this is where I find myself between a rock and a hard place. If I hope to construct the ultimate superhero as I have claimed then it’s about time I start swatting up…and fast! Actually, I shall do no such thing, as it doesn’t take a lifetime of field experience to have an idea how to kit out my champion. Just a wildly over-active imagination and it just so happens that I have me one of those babies.
The last thing I desire is to infringe any copyright as I hear the boys at Marvel have all kinds of penetrating mind lasers on hand for anyone who dares to ride on their cape-tails. However, some of the abilities I have selected for my ultimate superhero may be more than familiar already. I apologize in advance for any lack of originality but, then again, how could my defender possibly not have X-Ray vision in his armory? This would be a ludicrous omission, thus it is one of the very first powers I wish to bestow upon him. I haven’t thought up a name for my hero yet but have a feeling one will come to me in due course. For now, let us call him Anonymous Man. Imagine him in just a pair of claret panties for starters. I know what you’re thinking right now? Claret? Why claret? Either that or why the frig is he dressed like a broad. Well allow me to elucidate my choice. You see, these is no ordinarily lingerie I am speaking of. With great panties comes great responsibility and this particular pair were lovingly crafted on the planet Borg. They retail at around 29.95 but, before you start sniffing about Amazon, that is in Borg dollars. Incidently one Borgian buck translates to around $50,000. Good job they do interest free credit.
The Panties of Penetration
Queen Flash Gordon
Ladies and gentlemen, The Panties of Penetration may appear fairly unspectacular to the untrained eye but the key to their eminence is in the fine detail. We all know Spider Sense right? Well their primary function is reasonably similar. Should danger be imminent, then a small burst of voltage is administered to my hero’s Johnson. Nothing hairy, just enough to get its attention. However, their secondary power is far more invaluable as they wash themselves. You heard me, no need for those spin cycles, as they represent the world’s first and only self-fulfilling laundry. Think about it logically, you’re running against the clock, when you hear that some nefarious criminal mastermind is planning on launching a subterranean rocket to the earth’s core. As a superhero, time is of the essence, and it is mighty unfortunate that the news arrives (courtesy of Pantie Sense no less), just as you are embarking on your daily bowel movement. All in a fluster, you forget to wipe thoroughly, and disaster strikes before you can take to the skies. Enter The Panties of Penetration as they will automatically assume responsibility for any unforeseen spoilage and even throw in a dash of fabric softener while they’re at it. Now you can see their importance. Without The Panties of Penetration bailing them out, superheroes leave themselves open to ridicule and that is hardly the way to start your career as the world’s savior is it? Anyhoots, men are more comfortable with their sexuality nowadays. As a matter of fact, I’m wearing my great auntie’s bloomers as we speak.
The X-Ray Chest Wig
Now I get that women often prefer their men to be more on the fuzz-free side and it’s the whole reason we alphas shave our testicles. This is no easy task as there are few pains quite as all-encompassing as that of snagging a slither of sack in your Gillette Mach 3. Mercifully, I’ve never been particularly hairy, so once every two months leaves my plumage positively peachy. However, superheroes often reach the height of puberty by as little as seven-years-old and hairy backs is a common ailment. The X-Ray Chest Wig does precisely what it states on the tin and also looks delightful protruding from a silk shirt with accompanying gold medallion. Should a purse snatcher have been reported in a local nightclub, then they get to see all the female revelers naked and, time permitting, catch him sneaking through the rear exit and bag themselves a bad guy in the process. Alas, the crime rate in retirement villages may well escalate as every blessing conceals a curse. But high school girls’ locker rooms will be the safest they have been in decades and those rampant rabbits will never again be in jeopardy.
The G.S.O.H. Ankle Bracelet
Not every superhero need be as morose as Batman. Take Deadpool for example, not only does he catch the villains, but he even has time to throw in a one-liner while snagging himself a snapshot. A good sense of humor is imperative in winning over the wider community and The G.S.O.H. Ankle Bracelet has been lovingly crafted from beads of Rodney Dangerfield’s perspiration, bottled way back in the eighties when he couldn’t get no respect. Should it all be going off and the odds be looking overwhelming, then said trinket activates and suddenly it all feels far less serious. Have you ever watched The Last Boy Scout? Remember when Bruce Willis made his enemy laugh so hard that he dropped his guard and afforded Bruce a free sucker punch? Had he been sombre (as Bruce has pretty much down to pat), then a bullet to the dome would have been his ony reward for this particular tête-à-tête. Think of The G.S.O.H. Ankle Bracelet as the ultimate bail out in times like these. Had I mentioned that it comes pre-loaded with 1000 taunts, 5000 quips, and 50 pre-recorded quotes from Eddie Murphy’s Delirious? I dare any super villain to keep up their poker face with “and G.I. Joe is in the water” on perpetual loop.
The Glass Jaw of Jomalia
At first sight, this may appear to represent the kink in my superhero’s armor and, admittedly, one blow to the face will result in cataclysm. That said, The Glass Jaw of Jomalia does have its exclusive benefits. Firstly, it acts as a crystal decanter of sorts, filled with every kind of liquor you could snatch from your father’s drink cabinet. Being inebriated is considered to slow one’s reflexes but, while alcohol is indeed the great inhibitor, there’s a damn good reason why the term “one for the road” was ever dreamt up. The Jaw will always ensure that its subject is below the legal flying limit and looks pretty darn swanky too. Meanwhile, women lurve The Glass Jaw of Jomalia as it imparts the aroma of sexual whiskey on their undercarriage during any bouts of cunnilingus. As for battle damage, there is no great threat of shattering due to the glass in question originating from The Snow Dunes of Jomalia. It would take some Kimbo Slice haymaker to compromise its integrity and, even if it cracks, a shot of fireball works wonders as a numbing agent.
G.P.S. Shoulder Pads by Stevie Wayne
I’ve never been convinced with satellite navigation to be honest. Granted, it has bailed me out of many a fix, but I still haven’t found the ideal voice to seduce me into listening to a blind thing they’re saying. Thankfully, Stevie Wayne has gotten these bad boys patented and, should your next objective be 3000 miles from your coordinates, then what better dulcet tones than Stevie’s to inform us that we need to take the next left in 500 yards? Being in such a rush can leave your superhero feeling wrung out and unprepared. Not with G.P.S. Shoulder Pads by Stevie Wayne lighting the path. Relaxation is a given and they even have a flirt outrageously button that allows Ms. Wayne a little more off the leash, shall we say. How’s about this one for starters? “Hey big boy, I think you should just slide on over and give that glass jaw a workout on these babies”. I don’t know about you but a kestrel could defecate on my winning lotto ticket from a great height right now and, at that point, I’d still be grinning like a moron. Well superheroes too enjoy grinning like morons from time to time so cut us all some slack.
Anti-Bieber Homing Gauntlets
Superheroes have many places to be on all corners of the planet so Los Angeles doesn’t get a lot of visitation. However, Justin has a tendency to go on tour, and you never know when he’s gonna show up in Reykjavík unannounced. Should this unlikely event occur, then those Anti-Bieber Rocket Gauntlets will soon have the threat extinguished. Each gauntlet comes packed to the wrists with highly explosive Cobain Shells and one of these alone would be sufficient to obliterate, not only Bieber, but his entire entourage also, along with a fair few of his fans, should you be feeling particularly vengeful. Better yet, as it hurtles towards his cranium, bleeping “you’re a goose Justin” repeatedly as it travels, it will then grind to a halt mere inches from his gormless head blanket and give him a playful swipe across the cheek. Before he can say “but I’m misunderstood” it’s…KABOOM! One less gauntlet indeed but one less Bieber softens the blow some. Also available in Anti-Trump variety but this time the slap is replaced by an eye poke and five angry knuckles.
The Cape of A Thousand Cheetahs
While it’s all fun and games firing projectiles at young R&B artists desperate to be taken seriously, our hero also has to be on his guard due to the constant threat of incoming missiles. The Cape of A Thousand Cheetahs is wired directly to The Panties of Penetration and, the very picosecond that a disturbance to the peace is flagged, four thousand furry legs pick up pace in unison and deliver my crusader to a secure location until the danger subsides. Imagine this if you will, in a rush you forgot to suit up your Anti-Bieber Homing Gauntlets and the little jizz streak shows up for an encore. Activate cape and crisis is duly averted in the time it takes him to comb his solitary chest hair in the morning. If that isn’t all the convincing you need then, for a limited time only, they also come bundled with our next gadget for half the recommended retail.
Chromatic Gosling Abs Ver. 0.02
Although never officially endorsed by Ryan, The Chromatic Gosling Abs Ver. 0.01 were a huge success and 87.4% glitch free to boot. However, they’ve had an upgrade. Heavy-duty in the extreme, they can withstand significant damage and happen to look rather purty also. One of the major issues with the previous model was resulting flatulence and that is no longer a concern here. Do you think Lois Lane would have found Superman quite so alluring if he had suffered from rancid gas? I guess it depends which way the wind was blowing but it is certainly not ideal for those looking to appear in control. How could you possibly be expected to save the planet from the threat of evil domination, when you don’t even have your colon under your jurisdiction. The Chromatic Gosling Abs Ver. 0.02 dispel that concern and, should you order two pairs, those wonderful folk at GosTech will even throw in a signed copy of The Notebook for no extra cost.
The Mask of Fletch
One of the chief complaints for superheroes in a 2015 poll was that bad guys tend to see them coming. It is hard remaining conspicuous when dressed like a circus act and this has resulted in the deaths of some of our most illustrious crusaders over the past twelve months alone. Most documented was the untimely demise of Merrick Man who was shot out of the sky as he entered Haiti airspace on a routine training mission. The Mask of Fletch is fully pre-programmed and will automatically transform into whatever disguise best suits the situation at hand. In addition, it also emits a deep pore cleanser at regular intervals, making acne a thing of the past. Again, I use Superman as an example, as Lois may well have been able to forgive his gas, but she is known to be far less forgiving of facial boils.
The Colt .45 Peacemaker
Let’s be honest. It doesn’t matter how many special powers you have at your disposal, sometimes every superhero just wants to go old skool. This über-powerful single action revolver can take a head clean off at thirty yards and is ideal at settling long-running feuds. Endorsed by none other than Dirty Harry himself, The Colt .45 Peacemaker is an absolute must have for anyone looking to enter into this particular profession. Moreover, should you have invested in The G.S.O.H. Ankle Bracelet, then you have a 1/1000 chance of “do you feel lucky punk?…well do ya?” popping up on the taunt roster and, this alone, will strike fear into the hearts of many petty thugs. Only one potential downside and that is the potential to jam at inopportune moments, resulting in back fire. Other than that, The Colt .45 Peacemaker is a day just waiting to be made.
Måns Zelmerlöw Heroes
I do believe that my superhero is all made up now and ready to take to the mean streets and equalize some punks. However, I still haven’t come up with the all-important name. This is a critical part of the process as it needs to be both catchy and suitably edgy. I have been toying with numerous titles and one, in particular, appears to be a winner. Thus, I bring you…Clive Buckingham. Not quite edgy enough huh? Okay, well I’ll have to settle for my second choice then. Impervious Man. It’s just a working title so any bright ideas will be gratefully accepted but the most important thing is that the streets are about to become safe once more. So the next time you have your milk money stolen by some back street rogue ladies and are left feeling dreadfully exposed and vulnerable, fret not, as Impervious Man will come to your aid the very moment he stops fiddling with his X-Ray Chest Wig.
Truly, Really, Clearly, Sincerely,
Richard Charles Stevens
Keeper of the Crimson Quill
Copyright: Crimson Quill: Savage Vault Enterprises 2016