Suggested Audio Jukebox ♫
 Duran Duran “Planet Earth”
 Parliament “Mothership Connection”
 Blondie “Rapture”
 Does It Offend You, Yeah? “Attack of the 60 ft Lesbian Octopus”
How do you do? My name is Zög and, just to clear up any initial confusion, I am indeed an alien. What gave me away? Was it the flailing tendrils? The one eye? The twenty-four-pack abs? Or the multiple testicles? And there was me thinking I was doing a bang up job of fitting in. You don’t see Sally Jane complaining and, believe it or not Ripley, but it was actually her that approached me. I was just minding my own business, attempting not to appear conspicuous, and secretly reporting my findings back to my brothers-in-arms so we could begin to strategize our upcoming earth invasion. Then out of the blue, Sally Jane taps me on the whatever it is, pulls me close, looks me dead in the eye, and mouths the words “you’re coming home with me big boy” to which I had absolutely no pre-loaded response. Naturally I was flattered by her offer and, while not exactly the kind of girl next door I’d take back to meet the mother brain, I’ve always had a thing for red thigh-high PVC boots and she seemed only too willing to share out her smokes. We haven’t quite gotten to the sex part yet but I’m hoping she isn’t freaked out by the manner in which we extraterrestrials copulate on our planet.
Slightly unorthodox I know but the human way just seems so unsanitary. I mean, actual body contact, really? No wonder influenza is so rampant on planet earth. Back on Qüozag, there is no disease to speak of, other than the dreaded space lergy and that’s nothing a little cream won’t fix up in a day or two. Since I was posted here two weeks ago I’ve come down with the mumps, measles, chicken pox, small pox, and suffered an unsightly outbreak of athlete’s foot after making the critical error of not wearing flip-flops in the shower. Indeed, I’m starting to wonder if I should’ve opted to conquer Pluto as rumor has it the mood there is currently pretty lousy after having their planetary status revoked and I could’ve had the whole thing sewn up by lunchtime. Instead, I’m stuck here, being forced to blend in with the most despicable race I have ever encountered in all my 732 years, and about to engage in the least hygienic coitus imaginable with a young lady who seems to be having rather a lot of trouble working out which of my two sex organs to pollute with her rancid saliva. I think it’s time to close my eye and recall happier times until the moment passes. Please wake me up when it’s over.
Those were the days. You never forget the day you hatch and everything seemed so much easier back then. If I’d have known I’d end up here, I may just have remained in my ovium, but I’ve been assured that my stay is almost over and a six-year vacation on my return to the mother ship does admittedly sound rather delightful. That said, I’ve still got the small matter of Sally Jane to take care of, and it would appear I may have impregnated her so that’s another alimony payment I’ll no doubt get saddled with. Foolish human has dashed out to grab herself a morning after pill and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that full term lasts around sixteen minutes and no epidural in the world is likely to take the edge off childbirth. As for working out which color to paint the nursery, well that may be jumping the gun a little sweetheart. You see, I’m not altogether sure how our offspring is going to fare being cooped up in a germ-infested cot. I suppose that depends on whose gene is dominant and, considering I’ve got two phalluses compared to her single vulva, I reckon we may have our answer.
At any rate, I have a job to do, and little to no time to waste playing daddy day care so I think I’ll make a quick exit before she gets me changing diapers. My instructions are strict, to liaise with the rest of my landing party, compare notes, then wait for evac. First on my list is Vëp and he shouldn’t be too hard to track down as he has a tendency to stand out in the crowd. We met back at Alien Academy over 400 years ago and have remained close friends ever since. Vëp isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and some find him a little too intense to spend any real length of time with as he cannot help but stare whenever he comes across something that interests him even vaguely. I believe I have a photo knocking about here somewhere but it’s not the best as I believe it was taken at a time when he was feeling distinctly indifferent.
Don’t tell him I showed you that or he’ll never forgive me. Vëp loathes the human race even more than I do and doesn’t need an excuse to promptly vaporize anyone who so much as smiles at him in the street, no questions asked. That said, he’s actually rather sweet and considerate behind closed doors, and he’s the first one to have your back in a fix. We aliens are used to being misunderstood and regrettably it appears to come with the territory. If only people got to know him better, then they’d see that he really isn’t all that formidable. Okay so perhaps he is that formidable but ony if you rub him up the wrong way. You just have to know how to take him and, should you see that brain starting to pulsate uncontrollably, then there’s your opening to make a hasty exit. It takes around three minutes from first throb before he is ready to activate his heat-seeking peeper lasers and, as long as you bear in mind that they can pass through titanium as though it were rice paper and flee in a zig-zag fashion, then there’s no need to view Vëp as an imminent threat. Just pray you don’t run into The Görax on your travels as these guys will really mess up your day before requesting you thank them when it’s over.
I’m struggling to think of a satisfactory way to describe The Görax and the best I can come up with is to refer to them as the interstellar equivalent of The Baldwins. However, that is where the similarity ends as these bad-tempered cranks make Vëp look like me and me look like E.T. which I guess would make E.T. look like Dakota Fanning. The bottom line is that The Görax take absolutely no prisoners and most definitely haven’t come in peace. Now I’m all for levelling this vapid planetoid and all its inhabitants but only from a distance of 10,000,000 light years from its orbit. They’d rather duke it out the moment they find somewhere public enough to knock up their tally and rumor has it they’re heading over to the Mardi Gras Festival as we speak so that plans to be an absolute free-for-all. I’ve tried reasoning with them but all this power seems to have gone straight to their heads. Mercifully, they do seem to listen to Lëkkë. Hell, everyone listens to Lëkkë.
This fellow is as close as we have to a voice of reason and won’t allow The Görax to run riot if it means potentially compromising the whole mission. Lëkkë Bandü, to use his official title, is our illustrious team leader and will not tolerate mutiny in his ranks for a solitary yoctosecond. Look at this cat and tell me he doesn’t look like he’d mess your shit up just for not calling him sire. So it may surprise you to learn that Lëkkë is actually probably the most placid alien I know. Sure he doesn’t suffer fools gladly, but neither has he ever once started a fight that couldn’t be resolved with a simple talking to. Very little yanks his chain and I can only recall observing him losing his cool on one occasion and that was when we accidentally tuned into an old Bugs Bunny cartoon and it just so happened to guest star Marvin The Martian. Lëkkë despises Marvin The Martian and says “he’s not an accurate representation of our species”. I just let him have his rant and he was right as rain a couple of minutes later. If only there were a few humans like Lëkkë then we wouldn’t be here now, planning to decimate this squalid sphere. We could all do with taking a leaf or two from his book. Anyway, there’s only one member left and, to all the negligible alpha males out there, this one’s for you fellas.
I know right? Tell me you wouldn’t slam that like Magic Johnson and I’ll show you a face-hugger with philematophobia. That’s an illogical fear of kissing in case you were wondering and Zööey certainly doesn’t suffer from that affliction. This one is a die-hard romantic and really does fall in love way too easily if you ask me. I do hope she doesn’t get her heart broken as it’s always me who ends up picking up the pieces after yet another relationship dashes on the rocks. I’m going to let you in on a little secret here but only because you’ll all be atomized in less than 48 hours. You see, I’ve had a bit of a thing for Zööey for little over 300 years now and have been trying to pluck up the courage to let her know my true feelings for 200 of those. It never seems to be the right time, something invariably always ends up getting in the way, and I hear she’s been some way less than impressed with my amorous behavior of late. I shouldn’t be penalized for playing the field, after all, we aliens have needs too you know, and I can’t be expected to wait around another 300 years for her to realize that we’re actually made for one another. For a start, I possess two sexual organs, and she too is dual-endowed by way of vagina. Secondly, we both have three totally independent pulses. I’m clutching at straws here but swear blind we’d mesh well as a couple if only she’d give me the time of day. I mean, it’s not my fault earth girls are easy.
That’s by the bye now as there are far more pressing matters at hand and I think I can hear Sally Jane fumbling for her keys outside on the front porch. The last thing I need right now is a screaming baby spluttering its germs all over me when my mission directive clearly states DESTROY ALL HUMANS! and mentions nothing at all about burping infants. Thus I shall round-up the troops, swap stories, and head off back to Qüozag for debrief and solar muffins, while my forefathers press the big red button curiously labelled DESTROY ALL HUMANS! Sorry guys, it really has been something of a blast kicking back and shooting the shit but yours is just one of seven trillion asteroids we’ve been tasked with plundering and time waits for no alien. Please don’t take it personally as it’s nothing more than business with perhaps just a vague shot of pleasure. Am I really that transparent? Alright, it is a little personal. Do you really want to get into this now when you should be saying those last words? Okay then, let’s do this. I’m going to leave now but not before showing you a photograph taken just last week on the planet Xöd. I feel obliged to warn you in advance, it’s fairly damning evidence. You ready?
Don’t even try and worm your way out of it. You humans bring it on yourselves you know. So frightfully superior aren’t you? How do you think poor little Hüz felt when he realized he was about to get liquified? For the record, his big brother Grüz tore said astronaut limb from limb mere moments after the shot was taken. But the fact remains, that’s just plain bullying. You useless cretins deserve everything you get in my opinion and I, for one, will not be shedding a tear when your whole sorry planet dissolves into dust particles. Therefore I have decided to wash my hands of the lot of you and, if you wish to lodge a formal complaint or waste your time pleading for your pitiful lives when it really won’t do any good whatsoever, then you can take it up with The Görax. And one more thing, we don’t come in peace.