Suggested Audio Jukebox ♫
 The Beatles “Magical Mystery Tour”
 Guns ‘N’ Roses “Welcome To The Jungle”
 The Prodigy “Out Of Space”
 Florence + The Machine “Dog Days Are Over”
I’ve been wondering, how would you feel about taking a little trip with me? Not sure where it’s headed yet but I need to get the hell out of reality for a while as life seems to be getting its sick kicks at my expense right now, and I’m desperate for a change of scenery. I’m not ordinarily one for speaking of hardships but here are two good reasons to pack my overnight bags and take flight after a 24-hour stretch that I would much rather forget than relive. First up I have now officially been swindled out of pretty much any limited funds I possessed after being had hook, line, and sinker by a local fraudster masquerading as a friend. Yesterday he finally showed his true colors and the thousands of pounds he embezzled out of me will never been seen again. However, for as much as that rattled my cage, my six-year-old boy being rushed into hospital with severe breathing problems just hours later soon put things in perspective. For the record, he has now arrived home and has a course of steroids and antibiotics to get him back on the road of recovery, but the mere thought of him suffering is too much for a proud father like me to contemplate and I didn’t catch a solitary wink last night through feeling positively nauseous with worry.
Now I know we’ve all got shit to deal with and don’t feel that my problems are any worse than yours for a second. However, that does make my proposition make sense some right? Everything will still be here on our return and normal business can resume as per normal the very moment we touch back down on home turf. All I’m asking is fifteen minutes max of your time and promise our little expedition will cover some ground. Considering reality has bitten so hard of late, I propose we head as far afield as our imaginations can carry us, soar to the outer limits and then keep on going just because we can. Thus the first article on our agenda is to retrieve a unicorn’s horn from the mystical kingdom of Zangrid. Fret not as my magic carpet has just been serviced and would appear to be in fine working order. This kind of journey would ordinarily take over 300 years but I’ve got GPS on this thing and reckon it will deliver us to our destination in little over the time it takes to commence my next stanza. You don’t believe me? Then close your eyes for just a solitary second and prepare to be soundly dazzled.
So what do you think of Zangrid then? Isn’t it an absolute picture? I would advise against wandering too far off the trail as the pixies here are thieving little bastards and will think nothing of relieving you of all your worldly possessions at dagger point. Just stay close to me and everything should be just dandy and, if you spot our unicorn friend, don’t forget to holler. These beasts are incredibly rare and have been known to be somewhat volatile too so leave any wrangling to the trained professional and we should get through this transaction without any unnecessary bloodshed or punctured respiratory organs. Tell you what, you start work on a daisy chain, and I’ll go check over there by that enchanted tree signposted UNICORNS 100 YARDS THIS WAY. I shall return in the time it takes Rocky Dennis to put on a swimming hat, perhaps even less. And when I do, I’ll be proud owner of one shiny new unicorn horn and any surrounding scalp tissue. You see? It really is that easy in your own imaginary province. I reckon this could catch on you know.
Fucking zombies! I’d love to know who invited those freeloading scum as it certainly wasn’t me. I don’t know, have they not already had their pound of flesh after pummeling our senses for the last decade with all manner of inane B-grade drivel? Not wishing to be a dick guys but unicorns aren’t regular horses you know and I’m pretty sure that was the only one in existence anywhere in the solar system. That said, I do have my magic carpet on hand and there’s nothing to stop us slipping through a wormhole into another dimension entirely now is there? Come on, where’s your sense of adventure? I’ve even got a planetoid in mind and hear that it is quite the idyllic location. I’d love to tell you its name but unfortunately nobody has ever returned from there alive and there is talk of a certain undesirable who has been known to get a little touchy-feely from time to time. I’m sure it’s nothing to go fretting our pretty little heads over. What do you mean mine ain’t pretty? It’s the side profile isn’t it? What can I say? My great-grandfather was a tortoise. Anyhoots, see if you can think of a name for our destination while I tap the intergalactic zip code into my sat nav and I’ll catch up with you on the other side.
Skomba. I like that, let’s toss some accents in there and make it all official shall we? Okay well now we’ve landed on Skömba, what do you think about nabbing us that unicorn horn and lifting off before the philandering one catches whiff of our arrival and gives us a sound space fisting? You’ve seen his chubby feelers right? Now imagine them clenched and pounding away at your prostate gland. If that’s not enough to have you expelling methane like Mongo after his third tin of beans in short succession then please allow me to introduce you to his significant other who happens to be the jealous type just in case you were wondering.
My sincere apologies, I see you’ve already become acquainted. Don’t let me muscle in on your affairs or perhaps that’s a tap-out you’re attempting, can’t be entirely sure. Too many flailing tendrils for you? But I only count seven. Hold on, there’s the elusive number eight, it was just playing hide and seek with the emphasis on the latter. I would suggest that you don’t clench those groin muscles as that will only make her more furious. Too late. Okay, I’d say you’re pretty much fucked in all senses of the word. Of course, I do have this super powerful photon laser which can cut through reinforced titanium as though it were lard, but I have to warn you that I’ve never fired this thing before and my aim has been known to get a little shaky when I’m under intense pressure. You just say the word and I’ll take my shot. Was that AAARGH! PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP for me? Rightio, let me just check it isn’t set to stun. I don’t suppose you’d mind if I come out with a witty one-liner as I blast this undesirable into oblivion would you? Thank you ever so kindly. I promise I’ll come up with something suitably ironic to mark the occasion, something that has never been used before that would fit across a T-shirt so I can live off the royalties.
“Unhand her you wretch!”
What do you mean someone already came up with that one? And I’m frightfully sorry for my appalling accuracy. Tell you what, grab that leg and we’ll soon have it stitched back on once I’ve dealt with this stubborn fishwife. We’ll just call that one a warning shot. Don’t dismay as I have no intention of making the same error twice and reckon I may have just gotten the hang of this thing. You may wish to refrain from kicking frantically as this beast has some recoil on it let me tell you. On the plus side, I’ve just conjured up a doozy of a line. Wanna hear it?
“Stay away from her you bitch!”
There’s really no pleasing you is there? Well if my offerings are so uninspired then you come up with something on the spot next time. You know…next time. The old best out of five. It’s not as though it’s going to cost you an arm and a leg now is it? Just the arm should suffice. Anyhoots, I suspect that we have her rattled, and half the battle is won in the mind I hear. One more zap should do this and, this time, I went to the trouble of googling my chosen taunt beforehand and it would appear that we’re quids in when we return to earth’s atmosphere. On the count of three. 1…2…3. Oh fiddlesticks, it’s jammed. No it’s not, ignore me, I think I just sussed out where the safety is on this thing. As I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted – 1…2…just to be clear, am I going on three or after it? Bang on huh? Bang on it is then. Your wish is my command. Where were we again? One or two? Best just start from the top I guess. 1…2…hold on, it just came back to me. We were on two. Here goes then. 2…3!
“Suck on my hot and spicy space balls you slimy slag!”
Told you it was a designer original. I also recall informing you that I would save your skin and, true to form, I do believe we are an alien down and what a shot it was. Did you see the way her head split wide open like a cantaloupe? I kid you not, that one may just make the scrapbook. Anyhoots, enough of my narcissistic blathering, how are you feeling? Missing those legs a little I see. Fret not as we’ll have you stitched up and right as rain in no time and, as a matter of fact, shall transport you straight to the surgeon post-haste. He’s not strictly what you would call licensed but that’s not to say that he doesn’t take his work very seriously indeed. It’s either that or I get out my sewing kit and perform the procedure myself and those needles are a bastard to thread after so much excitement. See I knew you’d come round. One more tiny little thing, whatever you do don’t say fetch.
Good as new right? And the kicker is that he accepts all major credit cards and also Kibbles ‘N’ Bits. Alternatively you could just rub his tummy but I’d advise you watch out for that lipstick as I believe it’s a deeper shade of red than your own. I’ll just hang out here in the waiting room while you two thrash out any terms and plan the final leg of our expedition. After all these dramatics, I’m thinking something a little less full-on would be preferable and have just the hotspot in mind. Not altogether sure how to best describe this place but they do have a rather wonderful chiropractor who can no doubt assist you with any lingering spinal injuries for a nominal fee. His methods may be ever so vaguely unorthodox but the results speak for themselves and, what’s more, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him without a smile on his face. Prepare to feel astonished and violated at the very same time.
Well, did it work? I knew it! You see, nine times out of ten I’ll never ever steer you wrong. What’s that, one you say? I’ll meet you at five, how’s that? The most important factor is that your back complaint is now a thing of the past and we can return to reality only mildly traumatized. Granted, there may have been the odd hiccup along the way, but nothing a little shock therapy won’t sort out in 6-8 sessions dependant on voltage. Moreover, I do believe we just engaged in some good old-fashioned escapism, and I’m feeling far more chipper than I did on commencement. We really should hang out like this more often you know. And as for any upheaval you may have been subjected to, well next time I’ll let you select our coordinates if my hosting skills are really that abysmal. Now I’d suggest we get a wriggle on as that one-eyed sea urchin washing in on your blind side doesn’t look particularly hospitable and my grandmother always taught me never to trust a serpent with a tongue for an eyebrow.