Suggested Audio Jukebox ♫
 Genesis “Home By The Sea”
 The Presets “Girl and The Sea”
 Enya “Orinoco Flow (Sail Away)”
 Bobby Darin “Beyond the Sea”
I won’t come quietly you know. You can do your worst tentacles and it appears that is very much the article on your agenda right now but you’ll never take me alive. You may ladder my stockings, tear open my blouse, pin me down and have your disgusting way with me, but I’ll still come up fighting. Is this any way to treat a lady? What happened to wining and dining me, making me feel special, whispering sweet nothings into my ear? Did we skip that part? Of course we did and do you know why that is? Huh? It’s because it never fucking happened, that’s why. You just presumed that it was okay to throw your weight around and I’m here to tell you it most certainly isn’t okay.
Actually, tentacle number three can keep doing what it’s doing as it’s just found my secret spot, but the others can bugger off whence they came as they’re bringing absolutely nothing to the table and I refuse to accommodate their slathering. Okay just a quick lick and tickle but make it snappy and I’ll be most put out if you attempt to impregnate me. Do I look like Suzy Homemaker? At what point did I offer up the impression that my breasts are for feeding? You’ll find no lactose in these teats but you may find a HP pencil rammed into your eyeball if you carry on the way you’re going. Go and torment Muffy instead. I hear she’s up for a sea monster.
Thanks Carly Jane, love you too honey. Look, I don’t know what that bitch told you but I’m not interested. There has clearly been some confusion here as I already have a boyfriend and he’s actually on his way over as we speak. He’s 6″2 by the way and captain of the state Lacrosse team so it might be time for you to start getting all jittery. So you caught me in the act of undressing, big whoop, that doesn’t mean anything. My nipples were hard before you showed up so don’t go thinking you’re special ‘cos you’re not. Granted, I am kind of digging on tentacle number three, but the rest of you haven’t got a clue how to get my pistons firing. I suggest you unhand me and go find another sucker to philander as you’re barking up the wrong tree I’m afraid. Hell, I don’t know, why don’t you go see if Beatrice is about. I hear she finishes work around this time and she’s definitely got a thing for sea monsters. Her last boyfriend was a squid you know. They were together for three years and only split up because he upgraded to octopus. You’re clearly neither so it should present a fresh challenge for her.
Me and you are gonna have some stern words Muffy the very second I get out of this choke hold. Firstly, I don’t appreciate you divulging details of my personal life and, secondly, he was a calamari you pinheaded bitch. Thanks to you and your inaccuracy, I’m stuck here with this randy groper, and don’t much care for his wooing method. I tell you one thing sister, you were right about that third tentacle, dang that thing has some serious suction. But that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook by any means and I object to being placed on house arrest when I have to be back at work in an hour. Do you have any idea how hard it is holding down two jobs just to make ends meet? Of course you don’t, you’re a sea monster. Well let me tell you it ain’t easy. Now I would suggest you unlock this thing and let me go goddamnit before I make you pay my next utility bill. Fuck it, if you really must get your feelers wet, then head upstairs as my flat-mate Lauren is running a shower as we speak and she’s positively gagging for it. Filthy little slut she is.
Why hello there big boy, what brings you to this neck of the woods? A spot of philandering eh, well that sounds dreadfully enticing. Do me a favor will you and give me a little more of that third tentacle. That’s the spot, just keep doing what you’re doing, and I’ll return the favor when we’re done. You may have to show me what to do as I’ve never actually done this before. Sure I’ve sucked a cock or two, and that’s just since lunchtime, but have never met a guy quite so “hands-on” as you. The funny thing is that I think I’m getting dirtier you know.
I think this may be the least productive scrub down that I’ve ever taken, not that I’m complaining mind. I just hope you call me afterwards as I’d hate to think you’re one of those “in and out” kind of sea monsters. That would be heartbreaking as I don’t put out like this for every waif and stray that sneaks into my cubicle you know. Okay that’s a blatant lie but it doesn’t mean you should consider me an easy conquest. If you don’t believe me, then head on over to my friend Jacqueline’s place as she’ll give you a run for your money and may give you a little perspective on just what a catch I am.
Come in all tentacles but number three as your time is up. That’s right bucko, you messed with the wrong chick this time. I eat boys like you for breakfast and you ain’t got nothing I haven’t seen and slain many times before. You may have thought you could just have your wicked way with me like the other girls but that’s where you’re very much mistaken. I’m hip to your game and have had my beady eye on you ever since you attempted to put the moves on Carly Jane. The way I see it, you have two options right now: either you find those water wings and wriggle off before I introduce your ass to the plankton or I introduce your ass to the plankton. It’s your choice and make it wisely as I’m a bitch when I’m not menstrual and a cunt when I am. And guess what? I’m currently on the blob. Anyway, I don’t know why you haven’t tried Missy Malone yet. She has her very own vessel don’t ‘cha know and I hear she’s looking to recruit some deck hands to assist with any light duties. Not altogether sure you fit the criteria but I may I propose using tentacle number three as your bargaining tool as it has done enough in the last thirty seconds alone to make me forget what is port and what starboard. Now fuck off before I spear your blow hole.
Ahoy there me hearty and what brings you to such choppy waters? Philandering you say? Well I’m not altogether sure that you’re what I’m looking for. Indeed, men have walked the plank for far less. I run a tight ship you see and, if you’re looking to fit in around here, then I’d suggest you start scrubbing the deck pronto. Shouldn’t be a stretch with all those tentacles although I must insist on number three dropping anchor just where it is as it has itself some game and has helped me forget the bout of scurvy going around. Okay now it’s beginning to chafe a little. Tell you what, over there by the mast is a young lady named Janice and she has been a constant thorn in my side the whole expedition. Seems she has a problem with accepting me as master and commander and I’m sick to the back teeth of her constant mutiny. Take her out and perhaps we can talk about a rolling contract but, until then, I’ve got nothing for you pal.
Listen, this doesn’t have to play out this way you know. Whatever that soiled slag told you is bullshit, I’ve been made a scapegoat of and you’re about to make a monumental mistake if you drag me to the sea bed as per her instruction. Let’s team up and show her a thing or two about seafaring shall we? She may think she’s high and mighty but the rest of the crew have been restless for weeks now and I’m the only one with the lady balls to stand up to her. Mull it over for a few moments while I borrow this third tentacle of yours to console myself over the fact that the oxygen is quickly shutting off to my brain. What’s that? You’re in? Just to be clear, you’re talking about our devilish plan right? Never mind, just keep doing what you’re doing. For the record, after you’ve had your way with me, my sister Noreen is about to celebrate her 21st birthday and has no idea what has been planned in her honor. It would take up very little of your time and I’m sure she’d appreciate the visit.
Okay, I really haven’t got a clue what you’ve got in mind, but the suspense is killing me. Is it a party? I love parties and, as a matter of fact, it just so happens I turned 21 today. If it is a party then I’m a little concerned about the fishy smell I can discern as Janice knows full well that I loathe seafood and I’m guessing she put you up to this. How many tentacles did you say you had again? One of them has certainly made itself known but the others appear to be serving little purpose and I’m finding them a little constrictive if I’m honest. Please tell me what you’re up to. I promise I’ll look all surprised and will even cut you an extra-large slice of cake if you stick around while I blow out my candles. Anyway, I guess we’ve arrived at the big reveal now, so what say you let me in on this big secret you’re harboring? You will? Oh goody, this is going to be the best birthday ever.
This is officially the worst birthday ever. You do realize you’ve just made me an accessory right? Begad man, how many people have you slaughtered? It’s hard to tell as they’re all lumped together in one humongous human fish cake. Well if you think I’m taking part in your treachery then you’re sorely mistaken as I’m a practising wiccan witch and know precisely how to deal with unsavories like you. You heard me right pal, I’m all about casting hexes, and have one lined up for you as we speak. I’ve been pondering what would piss off a sea monster the greatest and plumped for being transformed into a crustacean. It’s no secret that your kind and crabs don’t get along and that is precisely why you’re about to be turned into one. Let’s see what kind of mischief you can get into when you can’t even walk a straight line shall we? I reckon you’ll be on a seafood platter by early evening, getting eyed up by langoustines. And do you know what? You can’t say you didn’t have it coming after your despicable behavior. By the way, if you pass the beach on your travels, be sure to pay Patricia a visit as she’s needed a bit of cheering up since her boyfriend Chet dumped her.
Chet, is that you honey? What the hell? Would you mind telling me what you think you’re doing? I’m awfully sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, but my heart already belongs to another, not that he has bothered even checking up on me to see if I’m alright for three days now. It’s not that I’m not flattered by the attention but you’re not really my type I’m afraid. Had you been a lobster then perhaps we could enter into negotiations but I’ve never made it with a crab and neither am I looking to break that particular duck any time soon. That said, as a member of the recently heartbroken, I understand your dilemma and do know a young lady not too far from our current coordinates who happens to be a particularly heavy sleeper. Her name is Katrina and she’s just over there beneath the pokadot parasol if you’re interested. Katrina once slept through an earthquake that measured seven on the Richter scale and I reckon you’d be quids in there if you keep things on the down low. Now’s your chance, Godspeed my cheeky little misfit, and I’ll never forget you.
This really is the strangest dream I ever did have. Indeed, I’d be more than happy if I never woke up. They say that every dream has a meaning and I’d be curious to find out what having your breasts fondled by a randy crab translates to. Whatever it means, I’ve never been more receptive to the old pincer movement and would love to know where you learned all your moves. What’s that you say? The bikini bottoms have to go? Well okay then but only because I’m dreaming this whole seduction. Heavens above, you’re a frisky little customer aren’t you? I have to say, this really is the most marvellous way to catch up on my eight hours. And in answer to your question: no I haven’t a solitary objection to taking this a little closer to the shoreline. Crashing waves just make me all the hotter.
So that is how Katrina fell in love with a sea-monster. I’m thrilled to report that they have now been together for six months and currently have plans to buy their very first place together, a quaint little beach house down by the sea where they can watch the tide come in together every single day. She was even willing to forgive any past discrepancies as we all make mistakes and deserve that second chance. I truly hope it works out for them you know as there’s nothing that stokes my fire more than a good old-fashioned happy ending.
There is one thing that concerns me a tad and that’s Katrina’s kid sister Tawny as she happens to be rather partial to sea food herself and takes great pleasure from taking what’s not rightfully hers just to get one up. Don’t fall for her charms as she’s a wrong ‘un that Tawny and loses interest the very moment sabotage has been achieved. Fine, if you absolutely must, but just don’t say I didn’t warn you. Don’t want you getting all crabby. Sorry, I just couldn’t resist that one. Now how about letting me sniff those pincers?