Suggested Audio Jukebox ♬
 Midnight Juggernauts “Into The Galaxy”
 Fischerspooner “Cloud”
 Bis “Robotic”
 Ladytron “Melting Ice”
 Cut Copy “Far Away”
How do you ascertain whether or not the woman you love is actually an extraterrestrial? I know it’s an unorthodox question to open this correspondence on but I’ve had a funny feeling about my girlfriend ever since we first started dating and, if I can’t discuss it in my personal journal, then where else am I supposed to get this off my chest? I mean, last time I checked, crying alien was a surefire way to earn yourself a one-way ticket to the funny farm, and I’m pretty sure I’m not crazy. A dash neurotic perhaps, some medical experts may even go as far as diagnosing me with mild delirium later in life, but I’m certainly not gaga. That said, my sanity has been severely tested over the past seven months, which curiously coincides with the time I met Zooey. In the interest of scientific research, I shall reveal all manner of intimate details about our relationship, and leave you to come to your own conclusions about this green-eyed temptress. Be warned, this is no ordinary love story, and Zooey certainly isn’t your ordinary type of gal. Anyway, I guess the best place to start would be the evening of February 29th, 2016 (interestingly a date that only exists on leap years) as this was the first time I laid eyes on her.
I was taking my dog Cassie out for a walk in the fields round the back of my estate when the sky lit up and something flashed past me which appeared some kind of shooting star on first sighting. Whatever it was, it landed in the woods not too far from my position, and I was overcome with curiosity as I’d never seen anything so brilliant and luminous in all my twenty-six years. Cassie was a little weirded out so I tied her to the fence post and headed off to investigate this strange anomaly first-hand. When I arrived at the crash site, I didn’t know quite what to make of it. There was an impact crater which must have been almost 50 ft in diameter, and the earth around it was glowing fluorescent green. I dared not touch it in case it was toxic and, instead, found myself utterly mesmerized by its bizarre majesty. After around ten minutes or so, I decided that it would be a wise idea to report it, and was just about to do so when she appeared seemingly from thin air, and as naked as the day she was born/spawned/whatever.
This girl was breathtakingly beautiful, her skin flawless, eyes sparkling emeralds, and body the kind you would die for, before resurrecting yourself just to die for a second time. The chemistry was unmistakable and I was powerless to resist moving in for a closer look, a move that she instantly reciprocated. Before I knew it, I was barely inches from her face, and captivated to such a degree that I would have cut out my heart right then and there if she offered a solitary clue that she would hold it close to hers forever. She actually went one better and leaned in for what I thought at the time was a kiss. Instinctively I closed my eyes and puckered up; only to feel her tongue slide up my cheek in one steady motion. While not quite what I had prepared myself for, my sense of well-being accelerated instantly and I savored her bizarre embrace until which time as she seemed satisfied. It’s hard to know what to say after an episode quite so ethereal so I opted for silence and we remained face-to-face for a further fifteen minutes in mutual awe.
Eventually I couldn’t bear it any more and asked her name to which she had absolutely no reply. Instead, she took my hand in hers, grasped it tightly, and led me back through the thicket to my house as though she knew precisely where it was. Cassie didn’t appear at all comfortable with my new friend and growled her dissent whilst ensuring that she kept her distance. She can be a little temperamental with new people so I locked her outside for the night, while this beautiful stranger and I got better acquainted. And boy did we get better acquainted. I’ve had sex before and some of it borderline wild but nothing that even began to compare to this. It was a little awkward at first as she seemed unaware of how a transaction like this played out but, after six bouts of coitus in short succession that can only be described as otherworldly, it was like she had spent her entire life before me perfecting it. Yet still I knew nothing about her whatsoever, no name, no idea of where she came from or where she had been heading that night, and it didn’t feel like it could matter any less.
Over the next few days we barely moved from the bedroom and the ecstasy was as sustained as it was totally intoxicating. However, I had a job at the local diner that I couldn’t afford not to show my face for and, excruciating as it was, I simply had to come up for air. Everything remained unspoken between us and I assumed she would still be there when I returned from my eight-hour shift. Indeed she was although the transformation from salacious seductress to homemaker was staggering. I’d left the television on to keep her occupied during my absence and she had studied it intently, whilst cleaning the entire house from top to bottom in the process. Suddenly she possessed a vocabulary, albeit limited, and the words “how was your day darling?” couldn’t have been more musical to my ears. As I dashed enthusiastically to answer her question by way of a deep, passionate kiss, she finally told me her name. Zooey. No surname. Just Zooey. It’s funny as she actually looked like a Zooey. If that’s even possible.
Things carried on in much the same manner for the next few weeks and we split our time between making love beneath the stars and watching old fifties science-fiction B-movies huddled up together on the couch. Her favorite was Attack of the 50 Foot Woman and it soon became mine too as I adored seeing her laugh. Her whole face lit up when she did and I knew I had found the one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Sounds pretty idyllic right? And so it was but eventually even the best things have to come to an end and April 1st ironically happened to be that day. You see, while Zooey and I had been getting on way beyond famously, Cassie still wasn’t the slightest bit convinced about the company I was keeping and I just put it down to her being territorial. After all, she had never before been required to play second fiddle for my affections. I’d had her since birth so it seemed only natural that she would feel a little threatened but there was something more than jealousy informing her detachment and I couldn’t fathom out what that could possibly be.
On this particular Friday, the stand-off managed to resolve itself. You’d think I’d be relieved wouldn’t you? Glad that the two special ladies in my life had finally settled their differences. The thing is, settled isn’t really the operative word here, as Cassie was nowhere to be found when I returned home from the diner. I waited until nightfall, left a bowl of her favorite food on the porch, and even went out searching with Zooey who appeared a lot more accepting of her sudden disappearance than I. Yet she never showed. After a week or so, I grew frantic, and posted missing dog flyers all around the village offering a $50 reward if anyone could offer any information that could lead me back to her. Another week passed. Then two. And by the beginning of May I started to fear the worst. I loved that dog and she had been with me through some pretty testing times in my life, never once straying from my side for a second. Indeed my only consolation was that I had Zooey now and she made a point of telling me every single day that she would never leave my side.
The long hot summer was one that I will never forget for as long as I live and we continued to grow closer which helped me forget about the whole Cassie mystery. That was until one Saturday in late August when I turned up late for work for the fifth time in so many days after losing track of time thanks to our customary earth shattering wake-up sex. Mr. Finnegan had always thought of me as a second son and had even spoke about handing the diner over to me when he eventually retired. So I was not expecting to be relieved of my position effective immediately and informed that he was done with me. To be fair, my productivity had suffered considerably since my life had span on a sixpence, but I had never seen this bombshell coming and felt numb as I sheepishly returned home to give Zooey the bad news. She took it surprisingly well and assured me that we would get through this together and that she had an idea how to make things right with Mr. Finnegan. “Leave it to me” she said and I had never been supplied with a reason not to trust her so went along with it.
Her baking skills had become phenomenal over the past few months so I figured she’d just take him a pie to butter him up. However, when I woke up in the middle of the night to discover Zooey wasn’t there and Mr. Finnegan failed to open the diner the next day, something felt decidedly amiss. I had no idea when she arrived home as I was so exhausted from the day’s exertions that I fell into a twelve-hour voluntary coma. When I awoke at 2pm the following afternoon and trotted downstairs to prepare myself a coffee, she was full of the joys of spring and in an even more chipper mood than normal. Word travels fast in a small village like ours so, when the diner remained closed for the third day in succession, it quickly became the main topic of discussion. Meanwhile, Zooey’s behavior had begun to grow increasingly erratic, and I started to witness a side of her that I never knew even existed.
It wasn’t that she was any less loving, on the contrary, she showered me with affection at every given opportunity. However, something had her unsettled, and I couldn’t place what it was that was making her so fidgety. Every now and then I would catch her staring from the window longingly and it almost felt as though her mind was somewhere else entirely. Considering we’d been together for over half a year, it seemed insane that I still knew nothing of her past, her family, her hometown and I started to realize just how little I knew about her period. Here was a woman who I shared a bed with every night, my life with every day, and still I felt at a complete loss as to what really went on in that pretty little head of hers. Everytime I attempted to raise it in conversation, she changed the subject and, for the first time since our courtship began, I began to harbor doubts about her sincerity.
The last thing I wanted to do was start snooping around behind her back and chances were few and far between as we effectively lived in one another’s pockets. However, once a day like clockwork, she would go for a stroll on her own into the woods behind the house and insisted that I didn’t join her. I have no idea what she got up to day after day but she was only ever gone for around thirty minutes so it had always felt fairly innocuous to me. This was my only opportunity to investigate further so, as she headed out last Sunday afternoon, I pounced on the opportunity to engage in a spot of harmless digging. What I discovered turned the life that I had come to know and trust upside down and also raised some fairly hefty question marks over her true identity. She’d never had any reason to be secretive as I’ve never been the jealous type so there were no locks to pick or codes to enter, simply a brief forage into her closet space and I was presented with some reasonably damning evidence.
Cassie’s collar was there and I know for a fact that she had been wearing it the very day of her disappearance but there was surely some kind of logical explanation for how this ended up tucked away in her personal effects. What was far less easy to rationalize were Mr. Finnegan’s shop keys and wedding ring and naturally my mind began jumping to all manner of outlandish conclusions. Was I shacking up with a serial killer? Were their bodies buried in the back yard? After all, neither had ever been found so it would make sense if she was some kind of sociopathic mastermind that she would keep any evidence close. I even considered blackmail but, while Mr. Finnegan may have been easily exploited, it’s hard to tell a golden retriever that they have until sundown to leave state or the lid will be blown off the crockery they smashed while their owner was at work. Canines have a tendency not to sweat over such trivial pursuits and a faithful friend like Cassie wouldn’t have accepted defeat that easily, especially for one she made no secret of her contempt for.
When Zooey returned from her walk, I thought better of confronting her, and needed more time to process this dispiriting data. So I bottled it up until which time as I felt that explosion was imminent and that happened to be this very afternoon. Right on cue, she left for her ramble, only this time with a surreptitious spectator in distant tow. I ensured that I remained far enough back in her slipstream to not blow my cover, while never once letting her out of my sight. After a while it started to occur to me that the route she was taking felt familiar and, as she arrived at the very clearing where we had met for the very first time and stopped in her tracks, I wasn’t at all sure that I wished to learn any more of what evidently played out here day after day unbeknownst to me. Ignorance had been blissful to this point but that curiosity is a son-of-a-bitch and it felt like I had come way too far not to scratch this itch. So I assumed crouched position and spied from my unseen vantage.
One thing is for sure, any ignorance chosen was a thing of the past the very moment she stepped into the crater and slid out of her epidermis as though it was little more than an evening gown. Remember I said how breathtakingly beautiful she was in all her glory? Well it turns out that it wasn’t quite all of her glory. Luminous green and as smooth as the finest satin, it was the fluid that she secreted from every last pore that turned out to be something of a passion killer. It almost appeared to be feeding something within the crater but I dared not get any closer as I was already placing myself in jeopardy just by playing unlicensed detective this far. I will say this, while I stated at the beginning of this journal entry (ironically the first since she ghosted into my life from a lime mist) that I suspected Zooey to be an alien, there really is no question after quite such an open exhibition. Needless to say, by the time she returned home, I was already busily preparing dinner and acting as though I hadn’t just witnessed her shed her skin so effortlessly and embrace her true identity.
So this is where I find myself between a rock and a hard place. We always retire to our room together but tonight I suggested she go ahead without me so I could scour the local papers for any part-time positions. Now I’m terrified about joining her in our bed and have started to question whether she may have spotted me at the scene when I made my hasty exit. Can an alien really love truly? Or could I be about to end up like Cassie and Mr. Finnegan, just another keepsake for her collection. And what about the whole feeding debacle. Could it be that I’d been harboring a threat to global security? Are other Zooeys about to pop up all over the show and start whittling down the population one by one and dog by dog? I asked “can an alien really love truly?” but I guess the more appropriate question would be “can I really love an alien truly?” and the jury has been out on that one since my earlier enlightenment. It’s no cinch weighing up the woman who you were convinced was the great love of your life in one hand and the whole of mankind in the other. Talk about an unthinkable decision.
However, after much deliberation, I have now arrived at my decision. I know this may sound crazy and will undoubtedly reek of selfishness, given the risk to global security, but I love her. She may not be quite as squeaky clean as I fooled myself into swearing blind that she was and there’s always the fact that she vaporized my dog and that nice Mr. Finnegan, but I don’t want to live in a world where this feeling doesn’t exist. Without Zooey it has no meaning, no purpose, no direction whatsoever. Therefore, I’m concluding this entry now and going to bed to hold the one true love of my life close in my arms and, if there is no further correspondence and you’re reading this now, then I guess I will have finally had my answer. Just remember as you huddle up to your soul mates, how well do you really know them when all is said and done? Do you have pets and, if so, do they seem a little over possessive? And where do your significant others go on their walks? Alternatively you could be like me between February 29th and September 20th, 2016 as I never knew that such otherworldly bliss could exist in such sweet ignorance.