Suggested Audio Jukebox ♫
 Jackie Wilson “(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher”
 The Supremes “You Can’t Hurry Love”
 The Marvelettes “The Hunter Gets Captured by the Game”
 Martha & The Vandellas “Nowhere To Run”
Are we alone? More importantly, can I trust you? You certainly appear the virtuous type but then what are you doing lurking around my boudoir at the dead of night? I have half a mind to dial 911 and let them work out what to do with you but, on this occasion, shall give you the benefit of the doubt and do no such thing. As long as you keep your hands where I can see them at all times and don’t try any funny stuff, then we should become the very best of friends in no time. However, one wrong move, and this place will be riddled with cops so fast that it’ll have your head spinning. The choice is yours to make and all I’m saying is that you should do so wisely. And will you please cease staring at my breasts as it’s beginning to make me feel a little uncomfortable. Why do I get the feeling that I’m about to regret this decision?
You see, I’ve been up all night working on my memoirs and have barely got the energy right now to fight off your lecherous advances. Not that I’m suggesting you’d do that, when your erection is doing such a bang-up job of elucidating your intentions. Perhaps I am a tad under-dressed but would say I’m well within my rights to prance about in a see-through negligee on my home turf, behind closed doors. Naturally your mind is likely going ten to the gallon right now, attempting to fathom whether I’m giving so much as the vaguest come on, but just keep it out the gutter, that’s all I’m saying. Can you do that for me? Pretty please with frosted sugar-coating and a plumpened cherry on top. What’s that? Only if I jiggle them? Jeez you’re pushy. Well okay then but only because it will aid their circulation.
What were you expecting? Both of them? Filthy little deviant. I’ll have you know that I’m considered a lady of high regard in these parts and have no intention of stooping so low for the first frisky sperm donor that comes shuffling up my trellis at twelve past midnight. It’d be different if we had been courting for some time now and perhaps, just perhaps, I’d perform a brief sexy dance for your benefit if I knew a little more about you. But I can see by your current state of paralysis that I’m going to be the one required to do all the talking here so let’s just get this over with shall we? That way I can get back to petting my cockatiel Errol as he gets mighty twitchy at this time of night and I’ve never been one to say no to a spot of pecker.
Innuendo you say? You’re hazardously close to offending me you know and I take great exception to such outrageous suggestion. It’s not my fault if you search for the jizz in a harmless custard. Believe what you want but, I’m telling you, my patience is wearing decidedly thin now and that was your second strike buddy boy. One more allegation like that and I’ll have no other choice but to punish you severely. Fret not as there’s still hope for you if you tow the line from hereon in. Tell you what, to extend the olive branch so to speak, how about I go grab you a cold one? Perhaps that’ll settle those trembling knees some. I must warn you, it’s a big one. May need a hand getting this top off.
What do you think you’re doing buster? If that thing so much as pings, I’m reaching for my rape whistle. You’re getting Errol flummoxed and he’s a rather shrewd judge of character so I’d say you’re this close to feeling my recently pedicured big toe as it nestles between your test plums at warp speed. Don’t tell me you’re one of those foot fetishists too? What are we going to do with you? Admittedly my toes are rather well proportioned and only saw a fresh lick of varnish ten minutes ago. And I suppose I do need a volunteer to blow them dry. But keep your distance as I get very squeamish when anyone touches them in a manner at all lingering. Yes you may kiss them if you really must but don’t go sliding your tongue between them, that’s all I’m saying.
Happy now? Well someone definitely is. Do you feed that thing? No I don’t wish to see it thank you very much. If your hand so much as glances across your belt buckle, you’re mince meat mister. I’m not going to tell you again. Indeed, all this mischief has got me well and truly wound up, and I suspect that the only way to relieve my annoyance is to go catch some rays down by the pool. Yes I do know it’s 2am. What can I say? I like to get an early start. Play your cards right and I may just allow you to rub in my sun lotion. Now please do the honors and prepare me a lounger will you? It’s too stiff for me and I’d hate to break a nail erecting it.
Isn’t that better? You see, now I’m feeling relaxed and you’re very welcome to ask me anything your heart desires. I know you’re curious about the journal I was holding when you tumbled into my chamber like a clusterfuck. Feel free to penetrate further, a little gentle probing never hurt anyone after all. Dip into my font if you wish and I’ll gladly accommodate in any way I can. I like a man with spunk. And don’t you go jumping to conclusions as I’m talking about courage and determination. You’ll need it momentarily as it’s almost feeding time for the boys, Joe and Blake, and they’ve been known to be slippery customers once the shrews dry up. I do hope you don’t suffer from ophidiophobia as that could prove a deal-breaker given my fascination for snakes. Here, give them a stroke, and you’ll see that they ain’t that bad.
Well would you look at that? You’ve only gone and overcome your phobia and I really couldn’t be more bursting with pride right now. Just one thing, your attention appears to be veering away from our subjects, and your incessant kneading of my bosoms is dangerously close to being considered groping. Okay that’s quite far enough, you’ll find nothing reptilian down there I assure you. Besides, do you really think I’d fall for such a fragrant attempt at friendly molestation? There’s a strategically placed mouse trap just millimeters from your cuticles at this very moment and I reckon it’s a faster draw than you gunslinger. As a matter of fact, you’re approximately five seconds away from finding out what this bitch is truly made of. Consider this your final warning and don’t try saying you weren’t adequately pre-warned as I couldn’t have been clearer on this point.
A wise choice. Honestly, you do like to push your luck perilously close to shove don’t you? That reminds me, I may have been blowing bubbles in your blow-hole earlier with the whole 911 threat. Truth is, I’d never dream of informing the authorities about your haughty behavior as I have my own methods for dealing with undesirables and you’d better pray you never get to find out what they might be. For now however, I guess neither harm or foul has been committed, so what do you say we get back to the real reason you’ve come her tonight? I’m speaking of the red leather-bound journal I was holding earlier. Don’t tell me you’re not itching to learn of its contents as it’s written all over your face. I can see the suspense is killing you so make yourself comfortable and I’d be only too glad to reveal all.
You ever keep a little black book? Don’t play it innocent, I know your type, and would even hedge a bet that there’s one on your personage at this very moment. For all your best efforts to convince me that it plays host to numerous tree etchings and pressed rhododendrons, I think we both know it’s riddled with details on any of your past conquests, in chronological order no doubt. Indeed, I wouldn’t put it past you if this particular travel companion even included a glossary and have had you down as the anal type since you first intruded my boudoir. Well how does snap sound to you? Mine may not be bound in black leather, but it also contains the names of any recent acquisitions. Turns out that we’ve got something in common after all; although that is where any similarities end I’m afraid. You see, I’m not quite the defenceless little belle you’ve had me pegged as. Not…even…close.
Are you sure you wish me to continue? It’s not too late to back out you know and I won’t think badly of you if you scurry away with your tail tucked between your legs and go crying for mommy. We could just chalk this whole unfortunate episode down to experience and you can be back in your shower, with one hand pressed up against the frosted glass, wanking yourself senseless in minutes if you decide to call it a day. I’ll give you this, you’re a resilient little bugger for sure, either that or just plain gormless. You do realize that I have made you privy to rather sensitive information and you’d now classify as an accessory right? That makes you an accessory to multiple murder and in this right up to your unwashed neck. Did I stutter? Yes murder and in the first no less. Too late now to start edging away as I couldn’t possibly allow you to compromise this whole operation could I?
So here’s where it starts to get interesting. The way I see it, you have two choices currently at your disposal. Either you stop attempting to hump my leg every time my back is turned like a libidinous labrador and lend a hand disposing some of the bodies currently stanking up my basement; or you pay the ultimate penance for your philandering ways. The decision is yours to make and yours alone, but I’d do so wisely if I were you as there will be no doubling back once that ship has sailed and I’ll not bat an eyelid over forcing you to walk the plank at the very first whiff of mutiny. Tell you what, you mull it over for a bit, while I go and slip into something a little more comfortable. How does that sound? Be back in two shakes of a stiff cock and, before you go milking your own prostate, that’s a common turn of phrase in my neighborhood and, in no way whatsoever, an invitation.
Don’t suppose I could trouble you to help me with the zipper could I sweet cheeks? Damn thing has a tendency to become stuck around my sternum and will need a fair old tug to secure these babies in their scaffold. Needless to say, wandering hands are a distinct no-no, and I hasten to remind you that one more ill-informed slip of the palm would prove catastrophic at this point. To make things easier I shall breathe in while you tackle this teaser and blow gently into your ear to assist in keeping that hand steady. Try not to be startled if I slide my tongue into your earlobe; it’s all just part of my relaxation technique and shouldn’t be misread as flirtation. And I don’t appreciate you digging that thing of yours into my ribcage, just to be clear. Insist on acting like a clown and I may just reveal my own inner harlequin. Make of that last comment what you will.
So utterly and embarrassingly disillusioned. After the heart-to-heart we just shared, you still see me as little more than a benign prankster. You really do have absolutely no idea who you’re dealing with here do you? Well that’s all about to change in a heartbeat and I’d make the most of your last few thumps as, when I’ve finished with your raggedy ass, death rattles are all you’ll have to look forward to and they’re nothing more than a flash in the pan. Up until now you’ve viewed me as little more than an item to objectify, mere eye candy, and it’s high time I give you a wake up call. You see, too much candy can rot your teeth little boy and it ain’t always quite as sweet as it first appears. You’ve been provided with numerous opportunities to curb your enthusiasm and foolishly disregarded every last one of them. Now you’re about to become just another statistic for my little red book and can’t say I didn’t provide you with ample warning.
First things first, get down on your fucking knees you pathetic excuse for a buck and feel free to commence begging for your pitiful excuse for a life. Alternatively you could elect to call my bluff and I actually double dare you to do so as you’ll soon realize that this particular “piece of tail” doesn’t deal in pretence. I’m as serious as cancer son and, if you’re still sitting on the fence, then give it a moment or two and you should come round to my side of the divide. By the way, do you recall feeling a faint twinge when attempting to pull up my zipper? Oopsie. The thing about lethal injections is that they don’t necessarily need to be fatal if administered in a modest enough dose. That said, moving a solitary muscle could prove troublesome and, by my estimations, I’d say that involuntary shutdown should be kicking in around about…now. Can you feel it coursing through your ventricles as we speak? Splendid because soon you’ll feel nothing whatsoever other than beaten.
I had considered making you suck up every last pang but decided instead that being an impotent spectator to your own demise could prove just as agonizing a denouncement. Had I mentioned that I trained to become a surgeon before it was politely requested that I drop the course by the powers that be? It seems that I didn’t possess the correct temperament for such delicate procedures and I actually make them right as I tend to get over-excitable at the critical point of entry. Scalpels are all well and good if you’re planning to make a tidy incision but, should amputation be essential, then I much prefer something with some teeth. Just to clarify, which of your hands is more beneficial when pleasuring yourself? Oh I’m sorry, you can’t relay that information currently. I’d hate cut off the wrong one so it looks like I’d better remove both of them, just to be absolutely certain. Ain’t I just a doll?
There, that’s better right? Doesn’t it feel good to get a load off after all that exhaustive philandering? No need to thank me as I’d do the same for any man who lavished me with the same kind of attention. It was the least I could do and I have no intention of stopping there either so it must be your lucky day. Those feet will have to go too; just to shore things up you understand. We can’t have you looking all out of proportion can we? What kind of a hostess would I be if I didn’t complete the procedure? Think of the money you’ll save on sneakers and athlete’s foot lotion come to think of it. You really should take more care of yourself. Why else do you think we agree to you keeping your socks on in bed? Reckon that’s sexy do you? We’ll have them off in no time, don’t you worry.
Alas, it would appear that our time together is now drawing to a premature close. Seems I may have severed some fairly crucial arteries when relieving you of your odds and ends and I’m not best pleased about the mess you’ve made of my carpet as a result. Never mind, with a little spit and polish, I’ll have it gleaming again in no time I’m sure. Don’t you lift a solitary finger. Sore point? What I mean is, feel free to take the weight off your feet while I get this place ship-shape. Oh fiddlesticks, I did it again didn’t I? Hell, just die gargling you festering fuck and, if you manage to hold out until which time as I bundle your sorry carcass in my trunk, then you have a nice night out on the town to look forward to. If you ask me, I think I’ve been most generous given your unruly behavior and the spot I have chosen boasts a breathtaking view of the ocean so don’t say I don’t do nothing for you. Honestly, I suspect I may be too nice for my own good sometimes.