Suggested Audio Jukebox ♬
 Johnny “Guitar” Watson “A Real Mother For Ya”
 Lynn Anderson “Rose Garden”
 Sepultura “Ratamahatta”
 Tiny Tim “Tiptoe Through The Tulips”
I knew there was a good reason for skipping breakfast and there she is. Mimsy is about to pay the ultimate price for those ten green fingers and not keeping an eye on how her garden grows. Just a few squirts of weedkiller and this could have all been prevented but, instead, she’s about to pay the ultimate price for those green fingers of hers. Part of me actually feels kind of bad for her, after all, she watched me grow from a tiny little seed into the mean green mutha you see now. But I can’t allow myself to get melancholic as life goes on and there are still so many things I want to achieve. You think that just because I’m vegetation means that I don’t have dreams and aspirations? Well shame on you as beneath these snapping jaws and groping offshoots lies a very ambitious young shrub with grand designs on outgrowing this particular plot and making a big noise on Broadway. I’m under no illusion that the primrose path to prosperity will prove long and arduous as there is not a lot of work out there for late bloomers such as myself. All the key roles are reserved for those who need no sunlight or water to flourish. It’s the way of the world I’m afraid, some of us grow, while others are only too happy to show.
And to think I almost landed that role too. Robbed I tell you. The casting director was greatly impressed with my range and said I possessed no end of natural ability but I’m guessing that winning smile tipped the scales in her favor. Am I bitter? Perhaps a little but disappointment is all part of the process I hear and makes those breakthroughs all the more monumental once they eventually arrive. I’m sure I’ll look back at this in years to come with a wry smile and fond recollection; my first tentative steps towards stardom has a rather quaint ring to it don’t you think? However, right now, I have to suss out a way of making it to Tinseltown without causing too much of a disturbance. Folk tend to judge a book by its cover and will no doubt assume that I’m not approachable when, in fact, I pride myself on my congeniality and keen listening skills. Ask anyone in the garden and they’ll corroborate I’m sure. Well apart from the flower fairies but those prissy princesses have it in for me I swear blind.
Okay so there may have been one or two minor incidents to rally their resentment but I can’t help it if I’m touchy-feely and square meals are decidedly sparse out here in the rose garden. I’m quite aware that Flora was vice-president of the treasury and, if it’s any consolation, she repeated on me something terrible and I damn near wilted attempting to break that stubborn slag down into digestible mulch. News travels fast in the backyard, particularly when flower fairies spend most of their free time gossiping, but I wasn’t about to be turfed out of my own plot just because of a few petulant pixies. One of the advantages of being vegetation is that we cannot help but stand our ground in a crisis and I remained rooted to my beliefs and refused to let this one moment of weakness define me. Within no time, I began making friends, and it turns out that there’s no shortage of colorful characters out here in the great outdoors.
If I’m being honest, most of them were passers-by, and our association proved somewhat fleeting. Ordinarily it would consist of “look Randy, a venus fly trap” followed by HA! CHOMP! and there simply wasn’t opportunity to get on a first name basis and become besties. I apologize profusely if you find my actions at all mean-spirited or, dare I say, inhospitable but I can assure you that it was never pre-meditated and absolutely nothing personal towards any of them. Furthermore, they unwittingly helped me blossom into what I am now so it’s not like their lives lacked purpose. The thing is, while I undoubtedly fed well, not all pangs come as a result of hunger, and it just felt so dang meaningless without someone to share my downtime with. Secretly I craved nothing more than companionship and cried myself to sleep night after night as romance simply didn’t appear on the cards for me. However, that all changed in a pulse when I met the delectable Eva.
Easy on those peepers ain’t she? Well leaves off as Eva only ever had eyes for me and would never have dreamed of so much as entertaining being unfaithful. The foundations of our relationship were built on understanding, her perceiving that I was never going to be able to give her the children she’d dreamed of since childhood, and me appreciating that I was forbidden to consume her. Naturally, we had to contend with some quizzical looks from onlookers as they couldn’t grasp the concept of two young lovers entering into such an improbable courtship without inhibition. People can be so cruel and regrettably this extended to her parents, who were none too pleased with the choice of suitor and did everything in their power to come between us. Did their intervention work? Why don’t you pitch that poser to my best pal Norris? I’m sure he’d be more than willing to enlighten you.
In case you were wondering, we made seventy bucks pawning Mr. Forsyth’s wedding ring, although they weren’t interested in his wife’s costume jewellery so I offered it to Norris as a token gesture for services rendered. He declined and said that he didn’t do it for material gain, he did it because that’s what friends do when called upon. Like me, he’d suffered all manner of indignity on account of being vermin and not exactly your domestic kind either. The result of abnormal cross breeding, Norris was always destined to struggle finding acceptance and this proved to be the case right up until the time we first got to conversing. Barely five minutes in and we’d already ascertained that we shared an affection for old Jane Russell movies and things grew organically from there I guess. Alas, Eva never could quite come to agreeable terms with our fellowship, and soon became green with envy. You want to know what hell hath no fury like? Come across many scorned women on your travels have you? And how did that work out for you?
Precisely, she became nigh-on unreasonable and began a spiteful smear campaign against Norris which ultimately led to our parting of ways. Granted, he devoured both her parents, but only because I slipped him a twenty. Besides, you didn’t see her complaining when I spent the proceeds on a diamante ankle bracelet. However, she just had to meddle in affairs that didn’t concern her, and I just knew the rat poison was her idea. With Norris now out of the picture, it may have appeared to her that the course of true love would return to its smooth setting as per prior to this unsavoury incident. I let her think that, reassured her that there were no hard feelings and even commended her on the industrious nature in which she went about her skullduggery, leaned in for a passionate kiss of resolution and…HA! CHOMP!
So you see, there really is precious little keeping me here now and it was always inevitable that one day I would outgrow this place and need to start planning for my future. There have been some wonderful memories made right here in this very plot and I’m grateful for every solar ray and drop of morning dew that have aided my cultivation as it wouldn’t have been possible without mother nature casting a watchful eye over my development and chipping in where necessary. So many perish before reaching full blossom and, for whatever reason, I was never intended to droop as the world has grand designs with my name written all over them. Chesty Morgan may believe she owns the monopoly on bankable assets and admittedly her measurements are somewhat impressive, but I’d pay top dollar to see her recite Ernest Hemingway and make it sincere. I’m certain that such unrefined talent will see me good eventually and, when it’s my name up there in lights, I’ll spare a thought for her appalling back pains and even shell out for additional underwiring. Can’t say fairer than that right?
That said, while I believe wholeheartedly in my abilities, I’m not injudicious enough to presume that there aren’t a few rotten eggs out there just willing me on to fail miserably. It’s no less than I would expect, given the competitiveness of my chosen field and I’ve heard numerous horror stories of those for whom fame turned out to be fleeting. More often than not, this is the direct result of betrayal from none other than their own entourage. Fake smiles are commonplace in Hollywood and the trick is to weed out any creeping ivy before it can compromise the integrity of your foundations. Ergo I have done my homework beforehand, advertised the role on Craigslist and sifted through a stack of applications to find the ideal match. After much deliberation, I opted for a twelve-string cortège, aptly named Gums For Thumbs. This rabble may appear somewhat rowdy but they should have my back in a fix, so long as they continue to brush twice daily and stay away from unlicensed popcorn vendors during premieres.
They will need to have their wits about them at all times as, while those pestilent flower fairies still provide a constant thorn in my side to this very day, I’d rather them grinding their miniscule hate hatchets than a single-minded sworn enemy and that’s precisely what I’ve gone and snagged myself, a real humdinger no less. Before I introduce you to my nemesis, please allow me to take this opportunity to fill you in on how we came to become such fierce adversaries. There exists a decidedly thin line between love and hate, one which the foe in question had no problem with crossing once I failed to reciprocate her repeated advances. I’ll come clean, all this interest was flattering at first and, should this indecent proposal have arrived at the tail end of a hard night on the fertilizer, then perhaps I would have surrendered to her questionable charms. However, after the whole Eve debacle, I wasn’t about to rush in to a physical relationship with one so inexcusably prickly.
I’m aware that most of it is likely a front to prevent her heart being broken and, if the overhead grapevine is to be trusted, then her fellatio truly is second to none. But I’d had my leaves pruned once already for laying myself out there and didn’t relish navigating her thorny exterior each time I leaned in for an affectionate grope. Needless to say, Jade took this polite knock back hard and vowed to spend the rest of her cultivation period plotting the cruelest of harvests in my honor. Once she catches wind of my decision to pursue those pipe dreams (a matter of seconds if the flower fairies stick their oars in), there’ll be hell to pay and the debt will be passed on to yours truly. This wouldn’t particularly bother me if it weren’t for the company she tends to keep and these shitheels spell two times the trouble to an aspiring novice thespian such as myself.
I’m fully mindful that they’re likely taking notes as we speak, preparing to launch the first of many bitter attacks, and cancelling my auditions just to commence the planned demoralization. There’s a name for that kind of outrageous behavior where I come from and no great surprises that it’s called bullying. Traditionally this plays out in the school halls and entails having your underwear fed to your small intestine by way of involuntary hoisting or the relinquishing of one’s milk money. However, similar rules exist in the garden, and this pair of interloping ignoramuses are every bit as downright despicable as any human paraquat named Brutus or Biff that I’ve ever fled screaming. If they think they have me intimidated, then they’re 100% right as they’re pretty much the floral equivalent of the twins from The Shining. However, a friend of mine owes me a favor and it just so happens he is also the not altogether careful owner of one fully fueled lawnmower. Take it away Lionel baby and fuck up that Sumatran rat-monkey while you’re at it. He’s been looking at me funny all summer.
Seems like it might be time for these jostling jokers to start quaking in their flowerpots don’t you agree? Regardless, I’ve got more pressing mail in my in-tray currently and of utmost priority is sweet little Mimsy who you may recall was last spotted on pruning duties, blissfully unaware of the blueprint I’d drawn out on her succulent little hiney. I’m actually a little torn here as, while her rectal bouquet comprises a heady scent of Chanel Coco and trapped wind that is flat-out impossible to ignore, she has been attentive enough to water me twice daily and takes almost as much pride in my appearance as I do. It’s a toss-up no question but, regrettably for poor defenseless unsuspecting Mimsy, I happen to possess a particularly acute sense of smell and will need a good hearty nosh up before setting off on the perilous road trip ahead. Young lady it’s been a distinct privilege growing in your garden and I promise to be gentle as I break you down into tomorrow’s compost but I think we all know what’s coming next and I’ve been working on an affectionate ode especially for the occasion. Fancy a short rendition?
You’re kind and you’re pretty, both charming and witty,
But I cannot ignore those bright lights or big city,
The timing may suck, I’m aware that you’re swamped,
So it is with regret that I bid you…HA! CHOMP!