Goldilocks & The Three Bears: The Home Invasion


Suggested Audio Jukebox:


[1] A-Ha “Cry Wolf”

[2] Florence + The Machine “Howl”

[3] Joan Jett And The Blackhearts “Bad Reputation”

[4] Shakira “She Wolf”

[5] The Damned “Don’t Cry Wolf”

[6] Megadeth “She-Wolf”

[7] Barbra Streisand “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf”

[8] Stevie Nicks “Cry Wolf”



Once upon a time, there were three bears and these three bears lived in a house in the most secluded part of the woods. Don’t ask me how as I haven’t the faintest idea how they managed to procure this property but they did and had even managed to make it into a home. Given their remote location, incident was at a distinct premium, and their existence was pretty much stress free. So about these bears then – well there was one tiny baby bear, a medium-sized mommy bear, and a hulking great daddy bear. At first glance, hey appeared pretty much your ideal family unit and their immediate surroundings were no less than quaint. However, for as pastoral as this setting was, their lives together were about to be severely compromised. Unbeknownst to them, somebody had been casing the joint out for weeks now and waiting for the perfect moment to strike and rid them of their worldly possessions.


You see, they hadn’t counted on Goldilocks. Seemingly sweet and innocent, behind those adorable blonde ringlets was an absolute monster and the very last person you would entrust with your belongings while taking a leisurely stroll through the forest. This formerly straight-A student had careered spectacularly off the tracks after falling in with the wrong crowd in school. Pretty much overnight she changed from quietly spoken wallflower to out-and-out cock gobbler and there was barely a young boy in state who she hadn’t fellated. Moreover, she was excessively impudent, potty-mouthed, disrespectful to her elders, and had no respect whatsoever for authority. Indeed, she retaliated against it at every opportunity and, after being suspended three times in ninth grade, this eventually led to expulsion, much to her parents’ disgrace. Now that her educators had washed their hands of her, Goldilocks made the swift transition into a life of crime. There was nothing her parents could do to halt this slide and even the threat of a stint at the nearby House of Correction didn’t deter her from graduating into a fully fledged felon.


While it started out with mostly petty crimes and minor misdemeanor, it wasn’t long before she started to crave more perilous challenges. Five days before her sixteenth birthday, she engaged in her first spot of grand theft auto, and got a taste for more hazardous violations. One of her associates then introduced her to Methamphetamine and she started dealing it outside the school for that additional dash of fuck you. The thing is, she also bagged herself a drug dependency in the process and it proved to be an expensive habit. Burglary was the next logical step and she hit three houses in her street before the heat got too intense. It was suggested to her that she lay low for a while and this was shrewd advice. However, Goldilocks wasn’t about to accept becoming a model citizen, even if it was merely a ruse. There had to be ways to turn a quick buck and that is where the three bears came in.


Their happy home was far from civilization and the only prying eyes would likely belong to the wildlife, thus it appeared to be easy money. Careful not to slip up, she started staking the house out night after night, memorizing the bears’ patterns and ascertaining any potential hazards. Risk assessment had been the first thing Goldilocks had been taught and settling for mediocrity wasn’t a notion she was willing to entertain so she followed protocol to the letter. It was all about biding her time and she put in any necessary hours to ensure that absolutely nothing could possibly go wrong. Meanwhile, the bears were utterly oblivious to her threat, and carried on with their regular lives as normal. Daddy bear may have boasted the largest mass but it was mommy bear who kept this particular ship in shape. Indeed, her mood had become somewhat erratic of late as she had just begun her voyage into menopause and having a torrid time with the hot flushes. This had also coincided with baby bear coming down with a nasty case of colic and the strain was showing on daddy also.


Each evening after porridge, he would wander outside to walk off his meal and sneak away to roll himself a sly joint. If mommy bear cottoned on, there would be hell to pay as she had no tolerance for drugs. However, it was the only thing keeping daddy sane right now as sex had been off the agenda since the mood swings started and frequent masturbation kept him from going doolally. Being something of an exhibitionist, he would head to the nearest clearing, in full view of the surrounding hills, and tug that fur pugil ’til it wept. Occasionally he would feel extra frisky and insert a single digit into his rear to further ramp up the pleasure some and never once did he visualize mommy. Since the birth of baby bear, she had let herself go a little, and the stomach huggers started to come out of the drawer with startling regularity. Daddy had a thing for bear style but mommy no longer found this pleasurable and insisted on missionary only. In the last three weeks, Goldilocks had only witnessed them in the act once, and even then it had ended in an full-scale row. She almost felt sorry for the saps. Almost.



“Wassup? It’s half-past-twelve Goldie. Jesus why are you calling me now?”

“I’m gonna hit ’em tonight”

“Good for you. Now can I get back to sleep please? I was having a really pleasant dream until you called”

“Cry me a river Mike. You’re my co-pilot”

“And when was that decided?”

“Right now”

“Truly honored. Now how am I supposed to be any help whatsoever?”

“I just need you to keep communications open”

“Why me? It’s been a real shitty day Goldie and I’ve got to be up at eight to take Marcie to the chiropodist”

“Shut up and listen”

“I don’t want to listen. I want to sleep. That’s all I truly want”

“Remember I said I’d dress up like a nurse for you?”


“Well you’re about to flunk out Mike. Maybe I should just call Tim”

“Tim! TIM!”

“What’s wrong Mike? You’re not jealous are you?”

“I hate Tim. If he even touches you I swear to God…”

“Then get in the fucking game will you! Like it or not Mike, you’re the lucky guy who gets to cock his pecker in my roost. That means you’re obliged to tend to my every whim”

“You’re such a bitch on heat”


“And you love it Mike”

“Whatever. So what’s the plan?”

“Well I believe I will have myself a clean run in the next five minutes or so. She’s just prepared their evening porridge and had to change the kid just as it was coming to the boil so it’s piping hot. This happened last week and they took a ten-minute walk to allow it to cool off”

“That’s your timer, ten minutes?”

“Yup. In and out. Reckon I can do this one in six”

“Don’t get too cocky Goldie”

“I mean it. These guys are chump change and they leave all their valuables for the world to see. It’ll be a cake walk”

“Were you aware that he is an ex-navy seal?”

“You’re shitting me…him?”

“Uh huh. Trained in combat and highly decorated apparently”

“Dark horse”

“And she’s a black belt in Tae Kwon Do”

“What that fucking fishwife? Now I know you’re having me on”

“Serious as Mozart”

“Well I like me a challenge”

“Just be careful Goldie. Have you been on the ice today?”

“Couple of hits. Why?”

“Because you need to be on your game. We don’t want you tweaking”

“He loves me”

“Yeah. Yeah. Just take it easy alright?”

“I was born easy Mike”

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“You’re not wrong. So what’s the scoop?”

“They’re getting ready to leave. This is it Mike. Gonna get me some bear wares”

“Status report?”

“Pops at six o’clock. She’s just loading up the sprog. Fucking little turd don’t stop blubbing and shitting”

“And what’s your objective?”

“Well I thought that would be plainly obvious Michael”


“Bite me. How are you going to do this?”

“In the front door. They never lock it. Raid the slag’s jewellery box, nab their freeview box as mine’s on the blink, crack the old coot’s safe, code 1, 3, 5, 7, odd numbers, real inventive, take a dump in the bleeder’s Moses basket, then hit the porridge”

“May I suggest knocking the last two on the head?”

“You can but I won’t fucking listen. A true professional leaves their mark”

“By shitting in an infant’s swaddling? real classy”

“I’m a classy chick Mike. Didn’t you know?”

“That’s why I’m with you”

“No Mike. You’re with me ‘cos I was the only girl in the cheerleading squad who could kick behind her head and I took pity on you”

“That is a pretty cool trick”

“Well manage to keep me entertained for the next six minutes which is about your limit and when I get home I may just give you a bed bath”

“You’re on”

“Right. Head in the game. They’ve got their shit together and are just leaving now through the front door. They normally walk a complete circle of the grounds which takes about five minutes. She always has to take five halfway as her hormones are all out-of-whack. By that time I’ll be on my way back”

“I love you”

“Fuck off. I’m trying to get my head in the game here”

“Well do it then. They’re gone right?”

“Not quite. I can still see them. Another few seconds should do it”

“You got everything?”

“What do you mean did I pack some sandwiches? Jesus Mike. I’ve got my wits. That’s all I need”


“And a fair degree of luck”

“I make my own. Bingo. Ready for a spot of black ops?”


“On me. Making my way to the entry beacon now. Okay I’m there. Looks hush-hush. Placing charge”


“Humor me will you”

“Of course. Flash and breach yes?”

“Nah. Fuck it. I’m going in like Arnie”

“Do it soldier”


“What’s your status?”

“Shit this place stinks like the dark ages. I think they burn the brat’s diapers you know”


“Objective one is the jewellery yes”

“That’s done and dusted. I’m quick Mike. Just unplugging the freeview box now. Christ, it’s like a spaghetti junction behind here. Fuck it, I’m swiping the XBox One too. We’re going Blu-Ray bitch”

“Nice. You done yet?”

“Almost. Yup. Objective two down and I’m showing one-minute-forty on the clock. Could beat my record here you know”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself. Still gotta crack that safe”

“Just cranking out the last digit as we speak. Et voila”

“Damn you’re good. What’s in there?”

“Couple of hundred bucks and change. No great game changer”

“Well it’s better than nothing. So you’re done now then?”

“Not even close. Think I need to take that crap now”

“You weren’t kidding then?”

“Been topping up on my fibre all week”

“And I suppose I’m going to get a blow-by-blow account?”

“Nope. I’ll be too busy wearing my concentration face. You just keep talking as I go better when I’ve got a distraction”

“Never been asked to play master of ceremonies for a bowel movement before”

“First time for everything Mike”


“Alright, I’m in position”

“So what do you want me to talk about?”

“Tell me a story”

“Okay well once upon a time there was this chick named Goldilocks. She was ambidextrous and could do things with her joints that defied the laws of gravity. Most of the guys in state had hard ons for her but didn’t dare do anything about it. You see, she was known as being something of a bad girl”



“It’s working Mike. Carry on”

“Anyway there was this one dude called Mike and he was the only person brave enough to tame this beast. More critically, he was the only one with the hardware to satisfy her quim’s desires”


“Absolutely. You see, Mike had enormous girth and knew precisely what to do with it too”

“I see you’ve opted for deluded fantasy”

“Please don’t break my flow”

“Sorry daddy”



“So one day Goldilocks got lucky and Mike decided to reveal his burly crusader to her. At first she had no idea what to do with something so thick and had no funds to pay for any reconstructive surgery should the inevitable occur. However, this particular bad girl loved a challenge. At first he only fed her the very tip just to ease her in a little. To his great astonishment, she gobbled it up like a randy turkey, and wasn’t at all fazed by the challenge. Even Mike was afraid of his humongous Kraken but she didn’t seem in the slightest bit fearful, even though it had claimed many victims previously. Then one day he decided it was time for her to take the entire length and do you know what happened?”

“Doesn’t matter now. I’m already wiping”

“I was just getting into that”

“Yeah you can really spin a yarn Mike. Humongous kraken. Keep dreaming. Looks more like a quail egg”

“You know men are very sensitive about their penis size”

“That’s why I’m with you. Sensitivity gets me wet”

“You’re a sick puppy Goldie”

“Tell me something I don’t know. Right then, time to grab me some protein. What time are we showing”

“Just shy of four minutes”

“Perfect. Then I’ve still got time”

“Don’t want to be a killjoy but remember the military training”

“Yeah. Yeah. I can take him and his wife”

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“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that”

“You know what? This slop is actually pretty good”

“Just wrap it up will you. I’ve got a bad feeling about this”

“Credit where it’s due. She may be a nagging bitch but her cookery skills are certainly solid. If you’re lucky, I may just bring you back a doggy bag”

“I don’t like porridge”

“More for me then”

“Just hurry it up”

“I’m already on my third bowl. Need all the slow-release energy I can get for the hike back”

“You’re running things fine Goldie”

“You worry too much. I’ve got loads of time”

“Five minutes”

“See? Tell me I’m not the most efficient burglar you know”

“You’ve definitely got the biggest death wish”


“Hold on. Did you hear that?”

“Hear what? All I can hear is your lousy table manners”

“Quiet a minute”

“Don’t keep me in suspense. What’s happening”

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“Fuck it. I think we have a problem here”

“Don’t wanna tell you I told you so but I told you so”

“I’m not kidding Mike. Think they’ve had a blazing row or something”

“And how does this effect you?”

“Well they’re currently about ten yards from the front door and neither of them look happy”

“Shit Goldie. What’s the plan?”

“Got it covered”

“Don’t do anything stupid”

“I won’t. Hiding in the closet”

“Well you’d better start thinking of a plan B”

“I’ll just wait for them to go to bed and sneak out”

“And you don’t think they’ll be a tad suspicious by the fecal matter in their little boy’s cot?”

“If you knew how much that kid shits, you wouldn’t worry”

“News flash Goldie. A child’s stool tends to differ from that of a full-grown adult”

“You got any better ideas?”

“Running would be a start. They got a back door?”

“Too late for that now. Hush up will you. Need to get my eavesdrop on”



“It’s always about you isn’t it?”

“Actually no Roger. It’s never about me”

“Well I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells here”

“I’m just sick of you taking me for granted”

“I’ll have you know I work damn hard putting food on the table”

“And when was the last time you helped out around here?”

“I change Jeffery’s diapers”

“Once a week maybe. You have any idea how much he craps?”

“Let’s see you go out and earn a living”

“Oh no you didn’t”

“Let’s just take five”

“No Roger. I want you to explain that last statement”

“Well it’s just an observation but you seem to spend most of your time feeling sorry for yourself”

“You did. You’re actually going there”

“I’m just sick of your moodiness. You’ve not been the easiest bear to get on with recently you know”

“Maybe that has something to do with the fact that I found your weed stash the other day”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. You think I don’t know what you do when you go out for your little walks?”

“You’re paranoid”

“I’ve got a snout Roger and I don’t condone you bringing drugs into our family home”

“So what if I like a smoke. Can a bear not have just one pleasure?”

“Yes but that is supposed to be his wife of seven years, not some mind-bending psychotropic”


“It’s not acid for fuck’s sake”

“All the same in my book. Little more than a gateway drug. Soon you’ll be snorting lines from Jeffery’s high chair”

“It’s always black and white with you”

“I’ve done my homework. That shit wipes out your productivity and leads to psychological issues in later life. How do you think our little boy’s going to feel when his father can’t string a sentence together at his wedding? Have you thought of that?”

“It just takes the edge off”

“Takes the edge off? I’m sorry, I didn’t know we were such a constant source of stress to you”

“You never give me a break. Nothing I can ever do is good enough. All you do is bitch and moan about your cramps. And we rarely ever have sex anymore”

“Well maybe if you complimented me once in a while”

“Maybe if you didn’t dress like a geriatric”

“That hurt Roger. You know I put on weight after Jeffery was born”

“It’s not the weight, it’s the lingerie. Hardly arousing”

“And your beer gut is?”

“I’ve got a slow metabolism”

“Don’t give me that. It’s all that junk you eat. I know all about the munchies Roger”

“Well have you ever thought that I might be growing sick of porridge night after night?”

“I slaved for an hour making that. If you don’t like it, you try preparing a meal while cleaning up after two babies, one of whom should know better”

“I wish you could hear yourself right now”

“I just want you to notice me Roger. You never once compliment me on my appearance. Even on our anniversary I had to drop hints just to get you to pull your finger out of your ass. And you know how I feel about drugs”

“So why do you stay with me then?”

“I don’t know. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that you’re the only bear I’ve ever been with. Or maybe it’s the vows we took”

“I’ve been a good husband. I don’t beat you”

“And I should feel privileged? My husband is neglectful and emotionally frigid, but it’s okay because he doesn’t beat me. I really found my fairytale prince”

“I’m just saying, there are far worse grizzlies out there than me”


“What now?”

“My jewellery has gone”

“You probably moved it”

“I didn’t. Someone has robbed us”


“You’ve just got baby brain”

“I’m telling you, some bastard has broken in”

“Don’t jump to assumptions. JESUS CHRIST, WHERE’S MY XBOX?”

“Call the police Roger”

“No. Whoever it was is probably still here. We were only gone for a few minutes”

“Even more reason to call 911”

“Why bother? It’s been too long since I vented a little rage”


“You’ve got fluid on your knees Roger. Besides, you don’t know how many of them there are. Please don’t be a hero”

“I don’t know who you are. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you”

“I bet they’re quaking in their boots. Now are you calling this in or do I have to do that too? OH GOD!”


“Whoever it is defecated in Jeffery’s Moses basket”

“We both know how much that kid shits”

“I know what his crap looks like. This isn’t his. It’s got peanuts in it”

“Did you open the safe?”


“The gas bill money has been lifted. Fucker!”

“Yes. Police please. Sure I’ll hold”

“Hang up”

“I’ll do no such thing. We’re the victims of crime”

“Not feeling like playing the victim right now. Besides, someone’s been eating my porridge, and I think I just sussed out where they’re hiding”



“Grab my baseball bat will you”

“Be careful Roger. Here”

“Whoever you are, you seem to forget that us bears have a keen sense of smell. I’m gonna give you to the count of three to show yourself and then I’m coming in. One…two…THREE!”

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Goldilocks had been caught red-handed and, for all her prior bravado, wasn’t feeling quite as self-assured any longer. She tried to run but daddy bear was too fast and grabbed her by the scruffy blonde ringlets before she could facilitate any last-ditch evacuation. Despite her struggles, he was just too strong, and there was nothing genteel about the way he dragged her kicking and screaming into the nursery and pressed her face down into her own feces.

“You think it’s kosher to shit in an infant’s crib?”

“That wasn’t me. Stop it. You’re hurting me”

“Should have thought of that before you emptied your colon on Jeffery’s favorite blanket. Have you heard of diphtheria?”

“I’m sorry. Please, I’ll clean it up”

“Too late. Time for you to find out what happens when you fuck with the wrong bear”


With that, daddy bear flung Goldilocks into the corner like a rag doll and towered over her as he prepared to land his next blow. Frantically she cast her eyes around for something to defend herself with and the only thing on hand was a family photo taken one hour after Jeffery’s birth. It was the last time Ann-Marie and Roger actually looked happy. After smashing it against the wall and retrieving a large shard of jagged glass from its frame, she was ready to take on this imposing titan.

“You’re only digging yourself deeper”

“I’ve got rights you know”

“Rights? RIGHTS? I’d say that any rights you had went south the moment you tried to make away with my games console”

“You can have it. I’ll leave quietly. There’s no need for this to get ugly mister”

“That’s where you’re wrong. I think there is every need for this to get ugly”

“I’m not afraid to use this you know”

“Little girl, I’ve fought and defeated far more fearsome opponents than you”

“Fuck it. Make your move old-timer”


This was all the encouragement that Roger needed and he promptly launched his attack. However, while Goldilocks may have possessed less than a third of his body mass, this also had its advantages. Spotting a tiny window of opportunity as he lunged in rather clumsily for a supposed ex-Navy Seal, she drove the sharp object into his phalange and this took him straight off-balance as he clutched his breached foot in agony. Sensing the upper hand, she didn’t waste it for a second and wrenched the glass free from his weeping cavity, only to relocate it in a more decisive spot. One vicious jab to his larynx was sufficient to rupture several of his carotid arteries and the match was effectively over. Ann-Marie was beside herself after witnessing the whole sickening act from the doorway. She placed the sobbing infant down gently on the side, wiped the tears from her cheeks, and assumed combat position.


“I see you know Tae Kwon Do. Well I know street fighting and you’re about to get and truly served”

“How dare you come into my home, steal our belongings, eat our porridge, take a dump in our Jeffery’s crib, kill the only bear I ever loved, then assume you can beat me in a one-to-one”

“Look at you. You’re pathetic. Honey, you might have been some hot-shot in a ring a long time ago but I’d say that your heyday has long since passed”

“Why don’t you come here and say that to my face?”

Goldilocks had never once shirked a challenge in her life and wasn’t about to change the habit of a lifetime now. As requested, she shuffled directly into the incensed bear’s personal space, pressing her nose up against her snout with unflinching eye contact.

“Close enough? Now whatcha gonna do?”

Ann-Marie was only too aware that she had come off a particularly feeble second in this sike out as, the truth was, she knew damn well that she was past her prime and something in Goldilocks’ piercing glare suggested she meant absolutely nothing but business. However, midlife crisis has its benefits, one of which being spending every last day teetering on the brink of loco. Hell hath no fury like a menopausal bear scorned and it no longer mattered that she had forgotten her training as a random flurry appeared her best defence right now and she launched one immediately. Before even one of her blows could land, Goldilocks plunged the makeshift blade three inches deep into her left bosom and gave it a diabolical twist. This time there was no great urgency for a second attack as it punctured her heart, which speedily became inundated with its own coarse fluids.


Within five seconds, Ann-Marie started to go limp and Goldilocks released her grip, watching with great sense of accomplishment as she clattered to the floor convulsing wildly. Double homicide hadn’t been part of her mission but, seeing as she was here, seemed no harm in upgrading that to triple. It was bad enough that she was tweaking for meth at present but a screaming one-year-old was one tweak too many. Conscience was an affliction that Goldilocks had never once been blighted with and nothing was of more importance than her objective. She had also been taught that a good criminal leaves absolutely no loose ends. Right now, Jeffery was the only remaining strand and therefore termination was fully justified in her mind.

“Mike. You still there?”

“Worried sick but yeah I’m still here. Are you okay?”

“Does a bear shit in the woods? Course. I’m Goldilocks remember”

“You’re a loose cannon”

“That’s funny. I’m actually feeling rather limber right now. Navy seal my snatch”

“What’s the status report?”

“Two threats neutralized”

“Hold on. What do you mean neutralized?”

“What do you think I mean? Duh!”

“You killed them?”

“You should have seen it. Like taking candy from a baby. Speaking of which…”


“Uh uh. You ain’t doing that”

“Since when did you get to tell me what I can and can’t do?”

“You’re not seriously entertaining killing a baby are you?”

“It’s name is Jeffery. I’m doing it a favor in the long run”

“It’ll be a long run when you’re banged up on a lifer. I want no part in this”

“Suit yourself”

“So you’re not going to do it?”

“Already have”

“Jesus Goldie. Your ill in the head, you know that?”

“Nothing a little bed rest wouldn’t fix”

“If you think I’m coming near you after what you’ve done, then you’re barking up the wrong tree missy”

“Fine. I’ll call Tim then. Maybe he won’t be such a fucking pussy willow”

“You hang up and we’re over”

“See ya Mike. By the way, it doesn’t happen to every guy and I faked every orgasm”

“You bit…”

Mike never got to finish his expletive as, in typical Goldilocks fashion, she was one step ahead and pressing speed dial before he could fumble the insult.



“Is that Goldie? What time is it?”

“Doesn’t matter. How do you feel about a little role-play?”


“But you’re with Mike”

“Not any more. Kicked that chump to the curb. I need a real man you see. One who isn’t such a killjoy”

“I’m all ears”

Well I’ve been a naughty girl”

“I like the sound of this. What have you done?”

“Triple homicide”

“You’re shitting me”

“Nope. I’m at the crime scene as we speak. Messy. Real messy. Want a selfie?”

“You’re a wrong ‘un. What do you think?”

“I think your cock is getting hard right now. I think you’re rubbing it as I speak. I think I know where it should go”

“You gonna send it then or what?”

“Already sent. Check your inbox”


“That’s savage”

“And would you expect any less from me?”

“No you’re tough to the marrow. I like it. Plus I used to watch you in cheerleader practice and you seem to have yourself a skill or two there that we could exploit”

“Timmy dear, you have no idea of the skill set”

She loved the chase more than anything else and knew she had Tim right where she wanted. In the palm of her hand. She was currently flirting on auto-pilot as she thumbed through Ann-Marie’s gowns in her walk-in wardrobe to stave off indifference. While mostly the linen of peasants, one garment caught her eye, and she held it up with devilish intent dancing on her twisted features. It was a nurse’s outfit, moreover, a decidedly sexy one with accompanying white stockings.


“Timmy, did you know that you’re a very sick little man?”

“My parole officer tells me all the time”

“Well I think I have the remedy here”

“Go on”

“I think a home visit is in order”

“I’m game. You gonna make me all better?”

“Heavens forbid. I’m no Florence Nightingale. Check your inbox again”

“Holy fuck boosters, I’m real ill nurse. Gonna take more than a course of antibiotics to clear up what I’ve got”

“Then I think a full and thorough examination is in order. have you ever had your prostate milked Timmy?”

“Well there was this one time in Rio”

“Not like this you haven’t. You see, I’m of Swedish origin and grew up on a farm. We had goats Timmy”

“How fast can you get here?”

“Well it’s thirty minutes to your house and I already broke my personal best once tonight so I reckon I can be there in twenty-five”


Goldilocks rested her phone against her shoulder as she began to gather all her new belongings. Not bad for an evening’s work in her opinion. Freeview, XBox One, some admittedly naff costume jewellery, loose pocket change, one vacant colon, three dead bears, and a new victim to rectally pillage. However, she was sure there was something she had excluded and couldn’t for the life of her think what that may be. Alas, irony then played its cruel hand, as Jeffery had donated a parting gift upon his denouement, consisting mostly of loose gloop. Some of his excrement had made its way to the floorboard beneath her feet and she had unwittingly snagged a couple of lengths of XBox cable on the doorknob as she stockpiled her bounty. As she slid through the mire and pirouetted through the air towards the dining table, she ran out of slack and the cable, which was coiled around her neck, promptly tightened. The shunt alone was sufficient to sever all seven of her cervical vertebrae and Goldilocks was ready to be bagged and tagged by the time her hanging gear slackened and she landed face down in Jeffery’s porridge bowl. In the history of quick-fire demises, hers had to be a record.

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