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Original art by the excellent J. Scott Campbell. Click here to visit his store

 

Suggested Audio Jukebox 🍭

[1] Engelbert Humperdinck The Overture

[2] Jacques Brel Les Bonbons

[3] Jethro Tull Witch’s Promise

[4] Ol’ Dirty Bastard feat. Joe Budden Danger Zone

[5] Martha Reeves Wild Night

[6] Thee Sixpence Incense & Peppermint

 

Once upon a time, there were two siblings – Hänsel and Gretel – and they were very much like any brother and sister, by all accounts. Days consisted mostly of skimming stones across the lake and scoffing themselves senseless on sugary confectionery. Then one afternoon in the fall, Hänsel and Gretel found themselves in the middle of a deep, dark forest that was supposed to be very haunted. The rest, as they say, is folklore. Their footage has never been found… until now.

“Father’s a real bastard, you know that?”

“Leave it Hänsel”

“No, I mean it. What kind of honest woodcutter leaves his own kids in the middle of a deep, dark forest that’s supposedly haunted?”

“The kind that is sick and tired of listening to you bitch and moan about needing to pee every five minutes”

“I can’t help it if I have a weak bladder”

“And I can’t help it if I press play on my Walkman to drown out your pathetic snivelling”

“I just want to know why papa would let something like that happen”

“Really? You haven’t figured it out yet?”

“Figured out what?”

“That his whore of a wife put him up to it”

“Can’t say I’m particularly surprised by that revelation. She is a whore, isn’t she”

“The very worst kind Hänsel. The scheming kind. The kind of whore who would think nothing of suggesting he ‘misplace’ us”

“What a lousy twat”

“Sticks and stones may make a tidy campfire brother, but they’re not going to stop us getting ripped limb from limb by wolves. I suggest we press on”

“Hold on”

“What now?”

“I gotta take a whiz”

“Of course you do. Fine, make it a short squirt and nothing more”

“Can you look away please. I can’t go with you watching”

“I don’t wish to see your acne-ridden pecker anyway”

“I told you already, they’re freckles”

“Okey dokey. Then why did I catch you squeezing one in the mirror last night, before bedtime?”

“I’m telling father”

“Yeah, good luck with that. Are you done yet or what?”

“Just shaking”

“Then shake it bloody quicker will you. I’m starting to freeze my tits off here”

“Alright. Alright. Honestly, everything always has to be about you doesn’t it?”

“Unless you haven’t noticed, we’re stranded in the middle of nowhere here and that daylight isn’t going to stick around forever you know”

“Then what do you suggest?”

“Did you remember the bread crumbs?”

“Got them right here”

“Good. Well, I’d suggest we sprinkle them wherever we go just in case we get lost out here and need to find our way back”

“Why does that have to be my job?”

“Because one of us has to keep an eye out for any potential predators and I believe myself to be better equipped”

“Well, look at Little Miss La-de-dah”

“And you can cut that shit out for starters. Do you have any idea of how long our odds are of survival in a place like this?”

“Just looks like a normal forest to me”

“Of course it does. That’s what it wants you to think”

“I’m sorry, are you suffering from some form of PTSD that you haven’t told me about?”

“Mock me if you wish but that won’t change the fact that we’re not welcome here”

“Whatever Gretel. Personally I think you’re just paranoid but far be it from me to have an opinion”

“Paranoid, huh?”

“Yup”

“Then what is that rustling over there behind the foliage?”

“I dunno. A squirrel”

“Got rather large eyes for a squirrel, don’t you think? And have you ever known a squirrel’s growl to be so guttural”

“Perhaps it suffers from chronic bronchitis”

“Then why are you quaking in your boots so, little brother?”

“I’m not”

“No offence but I can smell the shit in your breeches”

“None taken, and okay, perhaps it does have me mildly spooked”

“Finally. Now are we going to press on or what?”

“Lead the way. Actually hold on, I just need to take a quick leak”

“Give me strength”

________

 

So Hänsel and Gretel ventured deeper into the mysterious forest, scattering bread crumbs for every tentative step they took, and only leaving one and another’s side for the obligatory five-minute bathroom breaks. It soon felt like days had passed and both their heads were beginning to drop. However, just as the will to continue was beginning to fade, a beautiful white bird appeared above head, as though some kind of mysterious sign. Before either could react, their winged tour guide began ushering them to a new location, the kind of place that had only ever existed in their wildest dreams. It was a large cottage built entirely of gingerbread, cakes, and candy canes and with window panes made from sugar. One look at this sickly shack would turn Willy Wonka diabetic but, to two children with sweet teeth like Hänsel and Gretel, it was a sight for the sorest of eyes.

“I’m calling dibs on the licorice drain pipe”

“Knock yourself out brother dear, I’m all about the toffee coated trellis”

“Do you think anyone actually lives here?”

“Who gives a shit! I’m well overdue a good sugar crash”

“Me too. Tell you what, whoever chucks up first has to wait until it’s cold and knock it back in one go”

“You repulse me”

“What’s wrong Gretel? Scared of a little regurgitated stomach acid?”

“Not scared. Grossed the fuck out. I’m starting to realize why our evil whore of a stepmother wanted rid of you”

“What makes you think it’s me she wanted rid of?”

“Any number of reasons I’d imagine. The fact that you still wet the bed linen, your grating voice, spotty face, puny body, lack of any real identity. Must I really go on?”

“At least I don’t suffer from smelly discharge”

“That was one time and I had a yeast infection, I’ll have you know”

“Whatever. You smelled like smoked kippers, that’s all I’m saying”

“You little piss ant”

“Sorry, you’ll have to speak up sis. I’m too busy fellating this marshmallow chimney stack”

“Thanks for the horrendous mental image but I’m quite content down here with the marzipan door knocker”

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you”

Why? I can handle my almonds”

“I’m not suggesting otherwise but you could wind up getting us rumbled”

“And that would be just terrible, wouldn’t it? I wonder how many grams of sugar I need to guzzle before it becomes grand larceny”

“Scoff as you may, I reckon you’re asking for trouble”

“Says the guy snorting lines of lemon sherbet along the canopy”

“This shit’s infused with popping candy. You should try rubbing some round your gums”

“I’ve got all the E numbers I need right here, thank you very much”

“Listen, I’ve got to drain the lizard”

“Again? Daddy really must get you that prostate exam”

“I’ll be two shakes. Keep your filthy paws off my patch and your eyes peeled”

“Who died and made you Gandhi?”

“I love you more than anything else in the world”

“Ah. Well I love you too, you silly sausage. Now go do your business, will you. I kid you not, you piss like a Russian stallion at the Kentucky Derby”

“Back in three squirts”

“Why not think smart and round it up to half-dozen. AND DON’T FORGET TO SHAKE!”

________

 

Gretel suddenly found herself very much alone and her brother’s words couldn’t help but take on far greater meaning. Everything they did, they did together and you’d nary spot one without the other close in tow. Sure, they quarreled like a pair of senile muppets, but neither meant any real harm or foul. It was just their chosen method of communication and Gretel was now becoming increasingly aware that the lines were down. Sheepishly, she relinquished her tongue from the door frame, carefully ferrying a little of its sweet sap back to her rosebud lips as a parting gesture, and began edging anxiously along the window frame, quietly gathering its decorative M&Ms in her pinafore as she did.

Every last candy-coated shell then scattered wide and far as the door handle to her right began to slowly rotate and Hänsel’s words of stark warning were brought into unappetizingly sharp focus. Something told her the old “Avon calling” trick was not going to cut the taffy here and that she’d likely end up washing dishes for six months to settle the extortionate bill they’d run up. However, lurking to the rear of her thoughts was a consideration far more displeasing. For every ten that come back, are there one or two who don’t? Could the legend of the Child Eater actually be true? Will I ever see my brother again? Is that a kiln I see burning through this rather scrumptious tasting sugar-frosted glass? And what the fucking hell is that gnarled monstrosity on the end of the landowner’s crooked hooter?

“Hello dear”

“Erm… it’s not how it looks”

“I’m sorry, I struggle to hear you with your mouth full”

“Okay so it is how it looks, but I can explain this”

“Why the devil would you feel the need to bother?”

“You haven’t seen the roof yet lady”

“I’ve been meaning to get that re-thatched anyway”

“So we’re off the hook then?”

“Were you ever on it?”

“I dunno. You tell me”

“Consider yourself pardoned dear”

“Well, that’s awfully decent of you. Thank you. Name’s Gretel, by the way”

“Don’t mention it Gretel. Of course, there is the iddy-biddy matter of a tiny little something you could do for me in return”

“Here we go”

“It really is dreadfully teensy-weensy. Microscopic in fact”

“I’ll be the judge of that. Go on then, hit me”

“Well…”

“Spit it out Ethel. There’s a Cadbury Creme Egg melting in my knickers”

“I was wondering if you’d see your way clear to joining me for a little exercise, so to speak”

“You need a Zumba buddy?”

“Not quite, but what I had in mind is similarly athletic and offers a rather spiffing cardiovascular workout, I might add”

“I’m not going down on you. Just so we’re clear”

“Heavens no, I wouldn’t dream of… hold on, is that no as in absolutely not under any circumstances or no I’d rather not but I could be persuaded if you throw in some pink lemonade mouthwash?”

“No as in it’s not fucking happening. Capiche?”

“Fine”

“Anyway, my brother will be back in a minute and I leave dirty little jobs like that to him”

“Brother you say?”

“Yeah, Hänsel. He’s currently answering the call of nature although I’m starting to think he’s got roped into working the switchboard”

“Is he identical?”

“Well he’s got a willy, if that answers your question”

“A… willy?”

“Yeah, you know. Fat Albert. El Presidente. Richard and the twins”

“Are these punk bands you’re reeling off? Only I’m really not up on contemporary music at all, you know”

“You don’t get out much, do you?”

“Not a great deal, no. Anyway, tell me more about this sibling of yours”

“There’s not much to tell, to be honest”

“Is he plump?”

“Not especially. But he did just polish off your chimney stack”

“Then invite him in. The more the merrier dear. Tell you what, I’ll make myself scarce while you fill him in on my little proposal”

“I’m still not entirely sure what that is”

“Let’s call it dinner with a twist, shall we?”

“Okay, I’ll fill him in but no promises”

“Excellent. Just let yourself in when you’re ready”

“Whatever”

________

 

Gretel was growing increasingly suspicious and there was something about the way this hobbled hag said “excellent” that didn’t sit at all well with her. Nevertheless, they had to eat and, while filling their faces with every confectionery their hearts desired had been rather delightful, it was no substitute for getting a nice warm meal inside them. Granted, there was something ever so slightly iniquitous about the old crone, but something inside smelled delicious and father had always said beggars have absolutely no right to be choosy. At any rate, Hänsel would be back any minute now and, though his vote wouldn’t be the casting one, it would certainly be taken into consideration.

“Jesus Christ Hänsel. You move slower than snot along sandpaper”

“I took your advice and took two pees”

“That should see us good for ten minutes or so then. Listen, we need to talk brother”

“Sounds ominous. What’s got your tits in a twist?”

“Sounds ominous. What’s got your tits in a twist? Hey, you didn’t start on the letterbox without me, did you?”

“Stop thinking with your gut for one second and activate the other thing”

“I just zipped that back in, for fuck sake”

“Are you sure we’re related?”

“You really need to learn how to lighten up sis”

“It was you rattling on about keeping my eyes peeled, remember?”

“I can’t help it I’m conscious of the fact that we’re eating someone’s property”

“Turns out you needn’t have worried”

“Why’s that?”

“Because while you were away doing your thing, I had a nice little conversation with the land owner”

“You’re shitting me? Where is she now? Not calling the cops, I hope?”

“Not at all. As a matter of fact, she was only too happy for us to nibble her wares. Speaking of which…”

“Oh no. Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like this?”

“She invited us in for dinner. Said I’d run it past you first”

“I do hope you told her to do one”

“Actually, I was thinking it might not be such a terrible idea”

“What part? The bit where she poisons our food so she can have her evil way with us? Have you read Flowers in The Attic?”

“Chill out Hänsel. She’s like three-hundred-years old or something ridiculous”

“Even more reason not to trust a solitary word she says”

“What have we got to lose?”

“You really want me to answer that? I dunno, how about the beating heart in our chests or the flesh from our bones, for starters?”

“We could take her”

“I don’t like the sound of this one little bit”

“Then how about you look at things this way. If we don’t eat something soon that isn’t candy-coated, then I reckon we’re done for”

“What’s she cooking?”

“Not sure but it smells divine”

“And there’s no catch?”

“She did mention something about party games or some such diversion. Guess she doesn’t get many visitors out here”

“And there’s nothing you’re not telling me?”

“Nope. Just a free meal ticket and perhaps a little ice-breaker, just to get us in the mood”

“Fine. But if something ain’t right, I’m bailing and will expect you to do the same. No questions”

“Goes without saying”

“Lemme go take a quick sprinkle and think it over”

“You’re kidding right? You just returned from one, for Christ’s sake”

“I can’t help it. All this cloak and dagger business makes my bladder bloat”

“A thimble of tap water would make your bladder bloat. Just go and do what you’ve got to do and make it quick this time, will you?”

“I’ll be back before my piss hits the leaves”

“Move it, fuck nose”

________

 

Unbeknownst to them, Hänsel and Gretel were about to walk into way more trouble than they were equipped for. You see, there was a bloody good reason why this wicked witch of a woman didn’t receive much in the way of visitation and it entailed her reputation for snatching away unsuspecting children before frying their giblets in her giant wok. Had either of them not led such a sheltered existence, then perhaps they wouldn’t be about to stumble blindly into the devious trap of a known servant of twilight. But two parts hunger and one curiosity is all it takes for the young to be foolish and that’s precisely what Hänsel and Gretel sucked least at. Well, Gretel did give a more than adequate hand job, but reckless endangerment was right up there.

Just as Gretel feared, Hänsel’s latest disappearing act lasted far longer than appeared feasible, but eventually he returned refreshed and a lot more receptive of his sister’s suggestion than previously. Had he been aware that he’d be required to perform cunnilingus on a larvae-spewing vagina that potentially pre-dated the Black Plague, then perhaps he wouldn’t have been licking his lips so enthusiastically. But hunger pangs are no laughing matter and the sound of encroaching wolves was starting to freak him the hell out a little. Considering it was Gretel who had made primary contact, they decided to leave any mandatory small talk to her, for the time being. Holding hands tightly, they ventured inside the curious cottage and were greeted by the same wonky smile that hoodwinked so many before them.

“Goody gum drops. You decided to come back. And this must be the delightful Hänsel I’ve heard so much about. I’m so thrilled you brought him along too”

“Whetever lady, so what’s for dinner?”

“Now that would be telling, wouldn’t it?”

“Better not be stew. I hate stew”

“It’s just a little dish I threw together on the quick. Alas, it will be a little while yet before it’s ready to be served”

“Can’t you just knock us up a quick omelette?”

“Omelette? For such distinguished company? I’ll do nothing of the sort. What sort of host would I be if I didn’t fatten my guests up good?”

“The kind that I don’t tell to go fuck herself”

“Relax Gretel. You’re a pugnacious little pussy willow, aren’t you?”

“Don’t even know what that means and you’d do well to keep my pussy out of this”

“Means you need to take a chill pill honey”

“I’m not your honey”

“Yes, it appears we’ve established that. Now what do you say we lose the attitude and remember our manners? They cost nothing, you know”

“Respect is something you earn lady. We’re not there yet”

“Then what do you say we leave this simmering and adjourn to the lounge for some harmless fun and games?”

“You got any scotch?”

“Not sure but I did go to the trouble of preparing you both a tot of brandy. Bottoms up”

“Why is it cloudy?”

“Erm…”

“Never mind. I’m parched. Salut”

“And what about you Hänsel dear? Aren’t you going to drink up?”

“I’m good thanks”

“No, really. I insist”

“First things first. You have a crapper in this dump?”

“You must mean the little boy’s room. Yes, it’s second on the left but the flush is a little temperamental”

“That’s your problem not mine love”

“Take your time my little apppetizer. While you’re gone, we girls can get better acquainted. Isn’t that right Gretel?”

“Bite me”

“You see. We’ll be fine. Run along now”

Hänsel had a bad feeling in his water and it certainly wasn’t a urinary infection. Something wasn’t kosher and he had no intention of knocking back that murky brandy on his return. Gretel, on the other hand, was suddenly beginning to loosen up a little. Perhaps that had something to do with the hit of “X” that had been slipped into her cognac prior to hand over. Or maybe all the sugar in her belly had just turned to alcohol. Whatever the reason for her heightened levels of flightiness, she was no longer feeling quite so argumentative. It’s tough being crotchety through slur.

“You know lady, maybe you’re not as dog rough as I thought you were”

“Charmed, I’m sure”

“No I’m serious. Another glass or… [HIC]… two of the good stuff and who knows what I’d be up for [BELCH]”

“I’m sure that can be arranged. That frock is filthy, by the way. You know, it wouldn’t take a minute for me to give it a hand wash. I’d hang it on the washing line but you kind of ate that already”

“What can I say? I’m a sucker for strawberry laces”

“Evidently. Then you’ll be pleased to hear I have a whole lot more in my pantry”

“I bet you bloody do”

“Are you flirting with me young lady?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know”

“Oh goody, it’s kicking in. I mean, slip out of that soiled linen and let’s see what we can see, shall we?”

“I thought you’d never ask”

It would probably be a good time to mention that Gretel was past the age of consent and had sucked more cock than a randy male contortionist. Giving head was like an art form to her, largely thanks to the fact that she could dislocate her jaw on command and guzzle a meat loaf right down to the dumplings, whilst reciting Hungarian literature at the same time I might add. In her current state of inebriation and mild euphoria, a little sexy strip just seemed like the done thing to Gretel and her appreciative audience certainly wasn’t going to break her flow.

“My, my. Whatever am I going to do with all this unnecessary clothing?”

“Take it off. Please”

“Off you say?”

“Uh-huh”

“Well that leaves me with a tiny little conundrum. Do I lose this tight little corset or these soggy cotton white knickers of mine I wonder”

“Both”

“Well, aren’t you the impatient one. Tell you what, I think I’ll start by getting a little air to my lungs”

“Do it”

“Maybe I will. Let me just reach back and unfasten the lace”

“Just rip it off… erm… please and thank you”

“There. That feels nice after a long day packed in tight. Tell me Ethel, do you like my ruby red touchstones?”

“The name’s Edna actually but yes I find them incandescent”

“Then what say you reach out and grab yourself two handfuls of something precious”

“Really? You won’t scream for help?”

“Honey, when I choose to scream, you’ll be the very first to know about it”

“You’re a slutty little tease aren’t you?”

“Who? Little old me? A tease you say? Let me just wriggle these pulpy panties down to my knees and I’ll ponder that further”

“Don’t let me stop you”

“Freshly pruned and meadow fresh”

” Actually, I’m fairly sure I can smell smoked kippers for some unknown reason”

“Fuck sake you old bag. Stay in character, will you. I’m losing my hard-on here”

“What a gloriously fragrant aroma. Smells like lavender, with just the faintest whiff of violet” [MILD RETCH]

“Wanna touch it? I have a piercing you know but it’s not where you can see it”

“Okay, should I moisturize my hands first? Cooking over a hot stove does take its toll you know”

“No need. You see, I’m ever so moist already”

“Indeed you are”

“Guess what?”

“What’s that dear?”

“You can slip your finger in, if you wanna that is”

“Up to the knuckle?”

“On second thoughts, better make it two”

“My, my. You’re getting me all hot under the collar”

“The hotter the better”

“Then what say we move this into the kitchen?”

“What’s in the kitchen?”

“Oh you know. Pots, pans, crockery, cutlery, kiln. The usual clutter”

“Lead the way”

“Would you mind terribly giving me my thumb back first? Actually scrap that, just try and keep up as I forgot to cut my nails this year”

Gretel was in danger most grave and totally oblivious to the grisly fate that awaited her in the hot room. All those sugary treats, tampered tipples and Class A drugs had gone fried her circuitry and the only slither of hollow consolation was that she wouldn’t have to deal with a hangover. By the time Hänsel finished what was now quite clearly his first dump of the day and returned to his blighted brandy, his sister would be medium rare and right about ready to stick a fork into. It wasn’t his fault he had a deep-rooted fear of toilet seats and insisted on placing sheets all around it before taking the throne but it was his folly as Gretel was now stood the merest of kitten stubble from imminent incineration.

“That’s right. Fan those flames baby. Momma’s gonna cum real soon”

“This intense heat is driving me wild. I can feel the flames on my back and it’s making me all hot and sweaty”

“You could always climb inside. Just a suggestion”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“It would kind of save me the trouble”

“And how about I take this crab stick and use it bring myself to climax?”

“Fuck the crab stick. Get in my oven you little slag”

“Well that was totally uncalled for”

“I’m fucking starving here”

“I’m not sure I approve of your tone”

“And I’m not sure I approve of the funk of smoked kippers making my eyes water but you don’t see me not climbing in the sodding kiln do you?”

“Yes I do actually. Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is and climb in with me? That would be super hot”

“Is that what it’s going to take?”

“Uh-huh”

“Fine. Budge over will you. Not all of us are rakes, you know. So how are we doing this? On three?”

“Shall we?”

“I suppose I’m counting”

“You suppose right”

“Okay then. One… two…”

“Go on. Say the word. I double dare you”

“Just to be clear. We’re both leaping into this blazing furnace. Is that the deal?”

“I wanna see if you’ve got the plums”

“The plums”

“They hang beneath the willy”

“Willy. Plums. I really do need to get into town more”

“So have you?”

“Excuse me”

“Got the plums”

“Not technically no. But fuck it, when am I gonna be in this position again? I’ll do it. But I’m getting out the moment my flesh starts to blister”

“Like Thelma and Louise”

“I was thinking more Dumb and Dumber but hey, whatever crimps your flan”

“Are we doing this or what?”

“Okay. One…two…THREE!”

Gretel felt an immense sense of swollen pride as she embraced the flames, but it was soon to be tempered with disenchantment as the large metal door slammed shut behind her and she realized she’d been soundly duped. The old battleaxe clearly had no intention of accompanying her on this one-way expedition and, let’s be honest, can we really blame her? I mean, what kind of stupid twat vaults into a raging fire just to prove a point, for crying out loud? Honestly, what was the bitch thinking?

________

 

To be frank, your humble narrator may have toyed with the idea of providing them their Thelma & Louise moment, but then, it would end up being one of those lame pornos that doesn’t come good on its cum faces. Besides, there was still the small matter of Hänsel to contend with before the wicked witch could enjoy her pot-roast and she had some rather heinous plans for him too. To set these in motion, she’d need to distract Hänsel long enough for him to sip from his elixir without noticing Gretel’s absence. Elementary enough, right?

“Hänsel dear. I take it that little visit was of the number two variety. Hope you found the amenities to your liking. Chin chin”

“Where’s my sister?”

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“Sister you crooked clunge. Where’s my motherfucking sister?”

“You mean Gretel?”

“No I mean Whoopi Goldberg. Yes Gretel”

“She… erm… popped out for milk?”

“What are you asking me or telling me?”

“Asking you?”

“You’re weird. Hold on, where the bloody hell is she expecting to find a two-pinter in the middle of a deep, dark forest that’s supposed to be very haunted?”

“I’ve got a nanny goat tied up in the shed”

“Shed huh?”

“Yes it’s a frightful mess. Next time you’re over I’ll get it presentable”

“No I think I might just take a gander right now, that is unless you have an objection”

“Objection? Me? Just to clarify, if I was to have an objection, then we’d be skipping the shed visit. Am I in the right ball park?”

“Not even close. You see, you’re coming with me whether you like it or not. I don’t trust you as far as I could piss you”

“At least do me the common courtesy of finishing the refreshment I prepared for you. That’s a very fine Cognac you’re not drinking”

“You must think I came in on the last trail of breadcrumbs love”

“The thought never once entered my mind and I’m not sure I like what you’re insinuating young man”

“What’s wrong? Guilty conscience? Worried I might find Gretel tied up in your shed?”

“Not particularly, no”

“And riddle me this. Why can I smell burnt kippers?”

“Entrée?”

The wicked witch knew the very moment she delivered her half-hearted response that he had her bang to rights and this was instantly confirmed by the widening of Hänsel’s eyes and flaring of his nostrils. He was already advancing, hands outstretched as though searching for a scrawny neck to wring. Such a strapping young lad would prove nigh-on impossible to overcome and she knew that only too well. All that was left to do was to close her eyes and think of happier times back at the coven, while awaiting her swift and savage denouement. Needless to say, Hänsel’s next statement came as something of a bolt from the blue.

“You have no idea how hot that smell makes me”

“Close family huh?”

“You have no fucking idea”

“Wish you’d seen fit to mention that five minutes back”

“I just figured you two wouldn’t be into it”

“She’s close isn’t she? Her scent is unmistakable”

“Yes Hänsel, she’s close. Now what say you unbutton those tight denims and release whatever it is digging into my ribcage”

“You mean my big stiff willy?”

“Precisely… and feel free to bring your plums along too”

“Oh, they’re coming too”

“Splendid. Whip it out then big boy”

“Get a load of THIS BEAUTY!”

“Well strike me down with a wiener dog. I don’t quite know what to say. Can I just ask – is that whitehead on your urethra at all painful? Looks rather angry to me”

“Never mind that, get your tonsils round this”

“I think we may have gotten our wires a little crossed Hänsel”

“Suck it you manky slut”

“Can I take a rain check? It’s just that I’ve had this maddening throat infection for weeks now and…”

“For fuck’s sake. Grip it with your hand then”

“Now that I’m okay with. Wherever did I leave my oven glove? A girl can’t be too careful, you know”

“Hurry up will you, it’s going floppy”

“How silly of me. There it is, right next to the stove. Care to reconvene by the naked flame?”

“Whatever”

“A little more to the left. Good. Now take a half step back. That’s just perfect. You’re ready?”

“Duh!”

“I’ll take that as a yes. Any last words Hänsel?”

“Yeah, I’ve got some last words. Hurry the fuck up will you. I need to take a slash”

“As you wish dear”

Hänsel had never been broiled before so his reaction to being shoved into a blazing furnace comprised less excitement and more in the way of mortification. The wicked witch, on the other hand, was far too busy seasoning the vegetables to hear his desperate screams and just relieved that the whole ordeal was over. After slow roasting the siblings for just long enough that the meat fell effortlessly from their bones, she sat down at the table alone as she did every night, and enjoyed a quiet meal in their honor. Of course, the story may have changed a smidgen over the generations, and I may have massaged certain facts for dramatic effect. But somewhere in the middle of that deep, dark supposedly haunted forest, this foul wench still lurks; luring unsuspecting prey into her grasp with all manner of candy-coated confectioneries. Should you venture into her territory, then please ensure that your wits are about you at all times, and it might be wise to give the lemon sherbet a wide berth too, come to think of it. Alas, all good things have to come to an end. My tale is done, now I’m off to smoke me a kipper.

 

Click here to read…

 

Truly, Really, Clearly, Sincerely,

Richard Charles Stevens

aka

Keeper of the Crimson Quill

#CreatorsUnite
Copyright: Grueheads Films 2017

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