Talking Head

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Talking Heads “Road To Nowhere”

 

 

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“Keeper?”

“What now? Didn’t I already cut you off an hour ago?”

“I would appreciate it if you lost the attitude”

“I apologize unreservedly. How the devil are you?”

“Not over-enamored with your sarcasm”

“No flies on you are there?”

“Not yet but give it time”

“I see somebody has missed out on their daily minerals”

“Funny that. I took my supplements but they dropped straight out of my bloody neck stump”

“You’re still sore about that then?”

“No. I’m thrilled for the ventilation”

“Now who’s being sardonic?”

“I may not be in possession of all my faculties but the mind is the last thing to cease operations don’t you know?”

“And here I was thinking it was the dick”

“I tell you what. If I could headbutt you right now then I would take the opportunity gladly”

“I don’t see what I have done that is so godawful”

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“You cut my head off”

“Aside from that. Have I not given you pride of place on my mantle? You should consider yourself fortunate for being gifted the best seat in the house”

“I’m beside myself”

“Pun intended?”

“Fuck you Keeper. And get me a drink will you”

“What would madam like? I have elderflower, lime cordial or Dr. Pepper”

“It doesn’t matter. My throat has been severed”

“I’ll grab you a beer”

“You really do have no idea do you?”

“Of what? Your favorite refreshment? I’m trying my best here if you haven’t noticed”

“Of what you have done to me”

“So I decapitated you. Big fucking whoop. Your head didn’t fit your body right anyway. It must’ve gotten tiresome being so top-heavy. I just solved your biggest problem love. You should be kissing my furry beanbag right now”

“Come over here and say that to my face”

“Okay I shall. You… should… be… kissing… my… furry… beanbag”

“You callous bastard. I hope you rot in hell”

“Decomposition isn’t a concern at this juncture. I moisturize daily”

“Moisturize this you cretin”

“Careful. You may topple over”

“I hate you”

“That’s such a strong word. Hate. I’m sure if you just got to know me you would find me most agreeable”

“Just pass me that beer would you?”

“There you go”

“Is this some kind of a sick joke or something?”

“What now? Fuck you’re demanding”

“How am I supposed to drink this?”

“I don’t know. Use your head”

“You’re really beginning to grind my gears. At least grab me a crazy straw”

“Not a chance. Tell you what, I’ll pour it in. Open up”

“Urg. It’s warm”

“Shouldn’t be. It’s been in the fridge for an hour”

“You’re a real shitty host. Has anyone ever told you that?”

“Cry me a river. If you ask me, you should feel privileged”

“By what? The beheading? Stoked, can’t you see?”

“I could have tossed you in the garbage. Instead I invite you into my personal quarters, make you drinks, listen to you rattle on, and for what? Abuse. Okay, I’m truly sorry if we got off on the wrong foot. Oopsie, did I just say that out loud?”

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“Regular comedian”

“What good is life if you can’t enjoy a decent belly laugh?”

“I hope you get dysentery”

“Why don’t we just agree to let bygones be bygones?”

“After what you did I will do nothing of the sort”

“Well then. There’s always storage”

“Don’t you dare”

“Too late head. I’ve listened to you rattle on for long enough. Every word out of your mouth has been vitriolic and I’ve got far better things to do than be abused by you”

“I didn’t set out to be a shit head”

“Ha ha ha ha… ahem … sorry. Continue”

“I was in a stellar mood before you decided to intervene. Now my future is bleak, isn’t it natural that I would be somewhat perturbed?”

“Would it help if I were to apologize again?”

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“Depends. Would you mean it?”

“Probably not. Alright, maybe a tad”

“Then no. It wouldn’t help”

“So what can I do to make it up to you? I’ve said I’m sorry. What else do you want from me?”

“I want you to cut off your own head”

“Like fuck will I. How’s that a fair deal?”

“You de-ca-pi-ta-ted me”

“So now I have to suffer?”

“I think my conditions are more than fair”

“Tell you what. How about we compromise? I’ll go retrieve your carcass from the dumpster and sew you back on. How does that sound?”

“You’d do that?”

“Ordinarily no. But for you I shall make an exception”

“Thanks. I appreciate it”

“Give me one minute. It’s a lot of dead weight you understand”

“It ain’t like I’m going anywhere is it?”

“Have you never heard the term heads will roll?”

“Your floor is marble and I just got my teeth whitened. So no, heads won’t be rolling”

“Alright. Keep yourself occupied. Back in two shakes”

“Keep yourself occupied he says. I suppose this is giving you all plenty of amusement isn’t it? Let’s all laugh at the head. It’s not like she can do a damned thing about it. You’re no better than he is. Part of me wishes I had perished with the rest of my carcass. At least then I wouldn’t be stuck here being ogled by you morons”

“I hope you have been playing nice while I’ve been gone”

“Just been getting to know the Grueheads a little better”

“I’m really glad you’re bonding. You see, there’s hope for you yet. All is not lost my friend”

“Fuck you”

“Oh I see. You don’t want your body back then?”

“I didn’t mean it. I suffer from Tourette’s. Gimme”

“No actually I think I need to have a little chat to the Grueheads. Find out whether you’ve been running off at the mouth while I’ve been outside”

“They’ve got it in for me”

“Is that right Grueheads? Oh dear. How deeply unpleasant. It would appear that you have been doing quite the opposite to making friends and influencing people. That puts a whole different complexion on things. And to think I was going to return your body to you. What was I thinking?”

“No. Now you’re just being cruel. You can’t make a promise then go back on your word. That isn’t how it works”

“I can do precisely what I want. Ain’t nothing you can do about it. If I really desired, I could drop kick you into the bramble bush by the front gate. In fact, that sounds like a glorious idea. Let me grab my shit kickers”

“I don’t bounce well”

“Too late screwhead. You had your chance”

“But… but… I love you”

“Cheap shot. But I don’t much care for your sugar anymore baby”

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I’m so sorry that you had to endure such slander Grueheads. You witnessed the whole thing, do you think I acted out of turn? Me neither. I gave her plentiful chances to redeem herself but she chose bitterness over kindliness and that just grinds my gonads. I won’t leave her out there all night, just long enough to rue her actions. I don’t know what is wrong with some people. I mean, I chopped all of your heads off and do I see any of you complaining? Now then, I have some chilled beverages at the back of the fridge. Who fancies trying out my crazy straw?

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GREY KEEPER FRAME

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