Title art by Rimel Neffati. Click image to visit her studio

 

 

 

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Tori Amos “Crucify”

 

 

 

 

… To begin

 

Life was never meant to be that easy
Not for me
I can see that which the many never ever see
Some might say it’s a dependency
For better or for worse
It’s my blessing
It’s my curse
In reverse
Of the ascendancy
Makes no sense to make pretend
Life was never ever meant to be that easy

 

Grew up faster than my classmates
Each disaster made the earth shake
Spent my entire adolescence
Learning someone else’s lessons
Maybe they were meant for me
Maybe I was never meant to be the carefree child I left behind when crucified relentlessly
Rusted nails through hands and feet and holy spear inside me

 

Heaven knew my misery
Had every cruel intention to confide in me
Decidedly inclined towards the sky fall
Ever spitefully
Someone up there seemed hell-bent on smiting me
Inviting me to die inside
Undignified response time

 

Life moves fast in transit
Idle hands they shake when making best laid plans fit
Would have thanked my lucky stars
Had it not been for the fucking scars

 

Appeared to be a martyr
Judging by my body’s tears which I had feared to be stigmata
Holy father not on-call
While skies above my head commenced their fall

 

Glaring angels wearing dirty faces
Showed no sign of grace amazing
Chasing all remaining faith away
As though it was a game to play
Some kind of wicked hazing
Dressed up to the nines as absolution

 

Inverted crucifixes all around me
And all I saw were sixes
Three of which particularly suited
Introduced to devils elocution

 

Had I not been clothed with moon
Then no doubt I would have come home way too soon
Running to a constellation placed strategically just out of reach a million miles away
I tried and tried to break away
But dying timed its fade away
Every time I cocked the trigger
All I heard was click

 

This joke at my expense was sick
For years and years
Had choked back tears
And now they chose to make it clear
They wouldn’t let me miss a trick
Guess someone had to take the hit
Guess someone had to pay for what they did to me
For principally, the kid was never meant to be

 

I bid him bittersweet adieu
Of course, he understood
That there was still a good amount of work afoot

 

Had to let it go
No more reason to hold on
No more seasons left to wander now the wanderer was gone
Had wondered all along
If this swan song was the wrong song
Just never thought I’d find my acapella

 

One wish to bank upon
To kiss the teller
Persist through eye of storm, enlisting bitter winds to orchestrate the weather
Anything had to be better than snatching blue umbrellas from those getting wetter than me

 

Evidently, I felt hesitantly
Curiosity then got the better of me
There’s no more composed a go-getter than me
Entering confessional
This widow then composed unspoken verse, did so professionally
Nothing left now to repent
Had to let it go
Eventually

 

I crucified myself
Never ever going back again
Have severed ties to tethered pain perpetuating lack of gain
The tears I shed are beautiful
Dutiful to moving on
Had wondered all along
If this swan song was the wrong song
And life was never ever meant to be that easy
Not for those inclined to see that which the many never ever dare to see

 

Some might say it’s a dependency
For better though, not worse
It’s my blessing
Not my curse
Unrehearsed
In the ascendancy

 

Makes sense to feel
Feels great not to pretend
Life after death can now begin again
Bouncing off of clouds again
Never ever look more beautiful than they do
After the rain

The end …